Dear Nidhi,
When you left, a lot of things changed for me too. You would understand this – it was quite similar to your description of how you felt when I told you about that kiss. My entire world-view shifted.
Like you, I also shared my everything with you. I told you everything about myself, opened myself up to you completely, put my faith in you. And one day, you decided you didn’t want to be with me anymore. You left, without giving me a reason. I wondered, for weeks and months, I thought through everything I have ever done, everything I’d said to you, every second I spent with you, trying to pinpoint where things went wrong, why you left me.
I was completely blindsided. I never saw it coming. Even after you drove away, right in front of my eyes, it took me a while to realize what had happened. The one person I put before everyone else, including myself, suddenly didn’t want anything to do with me. You disappeared. No explanation. Not even so much as a text message.
You would understand how, after that, it’s really hard to trust you, or anyone.
Everything changed around me. At home, outside with friends or at work, everywhere I went, people would look at me with pity. I was given preferential treatment. I resented that. I stopped talking to people, just to avoid having to answer how I was doing.
I was not doing well, Nidhi. I thought about you all the time. There wasn’t a minute that went by without me thinking about you. I didn’t know where you were, what you were doing. I didn’t know why you’d left, or if you were coming back. I didn’t know if you were okay, if you needed me.
I missed you so much. I was looking forward to spending a lifetime with you. And then you were just gone. I don’t know where, or why. You just threw everything away and left me.
Days went by really slowly. Sometimes I would hear from someone about you leaving or coming back, or something one of your relatives said. I didn’t know what to believe and what not to believe. I couldn’t trust anything.
I called you every day. Every single day, for weeks. I must’ve left a hundred messages. I didn’t get a word back from you. Do you have any idea how that feels? Having the door shut on your face like that?
These letters you speak of … where are they? You say that you’ve been thinking about me, but to me, from where I stand, you walked away and never looked back. For ten months. You were completely okay. You never missed me, never even asked me how I was doing. So, when you speak about us being miles away, that’s exactly how I feel too. I never got a hint that you were still thinking about me. I never stopped loving you. I desperately wanted to be with you, but you were … fine.
You were okay. With your new job and positive outlook on life … rationalizing everything, finding reason, setting your path and following it. It seemed like you knew exactly what you wanted. Even when we met back in March and talked things over, not once did you express any kind of interest in our relationship. No remorse. You didn’t miss me at all, or wished things were different. It was already in the past for you. You had already moved on.
After that, finally getting some answers, and seeing for myself that your resolve was final, that was when I decided that it was time for me to move on too. I couldn’t be hung up on you forever. I had to stop waiting and hoping for things to go back to what I used to think was normal. I had to let you go, because you had already left me.
I started to take more interest in my work, distracting myself with it. I never stopped thinking about you, and I didn’t try. I knew when I first fell in love with you that if it ever ended, it would break me. I knew you were trouble. I knew I would be left heartbroken. I knew what I was getting into from the word go.
I wanted to think that it was getting better each day, but that’s not what it felt like. I had good days and bad. Sometimes I would go an entire week without missing you. Some days it took all my energy just to get out of the bed in the morning.
When I met Simran, I felt something. For the first time in months, I felt as if my life wasn’t over. That I might have a shot at finding something meaningful again. You probably don’t want to hear this, but I have to be honest with you. I tried really, really hard with her. In the light of recent events, it’s clear that I wasn’t doing a good job at it, but I gave it all I had. I just didn’t have enough to give her.
I consciously told myself to not let my past direct my present, and so, when I met her, I tried to trust her. I tried to give her whatever I had, but it was never enough. No matter how much I tried, it wouldn’t make a difference. She was always dissatisfied with me, and it wasn’t her fault. She deserved much, much more than I had to give to her. A full person would have been much more open, more loving and caring. He would’ve paid her more attention, been more available.
No matter what I did, it was never enough. And that’s a slippery slope. I hated making her feel like she wasn’t good enough. Or that she was doing something wrong, and if she would change something about herself, she could fix things. That’s a terrible place to be. I didn’t want her to feel like that. She wasn’t doing anything wrong. She was great, honestly. She cared about me, she was always sweet and kind, which is why it killed me to see what I was doing to her.
This reminds me of that thing you used to say about guys calling their exes crazy. Maybe it’s the guys who make their exes kind of crazy? When there’s an imbalance in the amount of love two people have for each other, the person who loves more always suffers. Because they give their all to the other person, but never get the same amount in return. Which makes them wonder if they’re doing something wrong, and the harder they try, the worse it gets. Situations like this can spiral out of control.
When I saw what I was doing to Simran, I had to end it. My inadequacies were affecting her, turning her into this insecure person… She wasn’t happy, and it was all my doing. When I realized that, I knew that we couldn’t be together anymore, which is why I initiated the breakup.
You’re right in assuming that you had something to do with it. You were part of the reason. You were in her head, and mine, and you were very much present in our lives and relationship. But even without you, I would still not be with her, because she deserves much more. I felt inadequate, and I made her feel inadequate.
Also, because I was still in love with you. I am still in love with you. I don’t know how to not love you; I don’t think I’m capable of doing that.
When you talk about giving us another chance, I want to forget every bad thing that happened and run to you. I’ve dreamed about holding you again, kissing you. I never thought we would get another chance. But then I remember … how easily you left me and what it did to me. If you did it once, how can I be sure you won’t do it again?
Nidhi, I’m really sorry for all the terrible things I put you through. If I could go back and take it back, I would. You know that. I hope you know that. It meant nothing to me, that kiss was nothing. You have to believe me. You say you can’t trust me anymore, and that you think that everything I’ve said to you is a lie, but if you’d just give me another chance, I will show you that I mean all of it.
The kiss was a mistake. I regret it deeply. I wish it hadn’t happened, I wish I had stopped it. I wish I hadn’t hurt you so badly, I wish I hadn’t broken your trust. When you tell me about your loss of faith in people, your constant scepticism, your nightmares … it kills me. I would do anything to make it better for you. I will spend the rest of my life earning your trust.
I can’t undo the past, but if you let me, I will prove to you how much I love you and care about you. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you.
But Nidhi, just as you lost faith in me after the kiss, I lost faith in you too … when you threw away our entire relationship and left me. You’re right in saying that maybe we never faced a real problem in our relationship before this, but I had always thought that when the problems did come, we would be able to recover from anything, together.
That we would fix it. We wouldn’t throw it away.
But you did. You discarded everything we had and left. So, while every cell in my body wants to run to you and hold you and never let you go again, I’m also certain that if you left me again, I won’t recover. If I trust you again, and fall deeper in love with you, and you leave me again…
We are worth fighting for. When we come to that, I will always choose fight. But if I choose fight, you cannot choose flight. You cannot run away. You cannot leave me again. So, when you say you want me back, when you make promises to me again, please make sure you only do that if you intend to keep them. You can’t play with me. You can’t be in this half-heartedly. If you’re not sure, don’t give me false hope.
This time, it has to be forever. Any problems that come our way, big or small, you have to promise to let me in. You have to let me help you. It’s okay to take your time doing that, just as long as you give me a chance before making a drastic, life-changing decision for the both of us.
I will do anything for you. I’m not just saying that, Nidhi. Anything. To make you happy, to keep you happy. But I will also make mistakes. I’m human, I don’t claim to be perfect. I will mess up, repeatedly. It’s just who I am. No matter how hard I try, I know things will not always go as planned. There will be obstacles, I will be an idiot, I will do stupid things. But when I mess up, all you have to do is tell me to stop being a jerk, and I will. All you have to do is ask. I’ll do anything.
Please, no more secrets. No more living in solitude and suffering in silence. I can’t bear the thought of you going through what you did for months, while I was right there, oblivious to it all. I can’t even imagine what it must’ve been like for you. I hate that I wasn’t there to help you when you needed me the most. You have to let me in.
I promise not to make irreversible mistakes. I promise never to break your trust again, never to do anything that would make you question the faith you put in me. Every single day, I will wake up to prove to you that I love you, and I care about you more than anything else in the world, and that you can trust me. I promise to be yours forever, if you promise to be mine.
A lifetime. This time, it’s for a lifetime.
So, if you’re still unsure, if there’s even a small grain of doubt in your mind about us, please, I beg you, please don’t come back to me.
If you do come back to me, the only way we can move on from the past is by forgetting the cheating and abandoning. (Too soon? I thought it was funny, sorry.) We have to forgive each other for our betrayals and trust each other again, with everything we have. Without an ounce of doubt. It may sound unreasonable, probably even impossible, but just try. Just try to let go. It feels good, to not carry all of that on your shoulders anymore. All that stuff that slows us down, makes us sceptical about everything … it feels good to get rid of that.
Most importantly, I want to tell you that I love you. I never stopped loving you, not for one second. Every single day, in everything I did, there was you. You never left me. You were in my heart, and I know that’s one place you’ll always be, no matter what happens in the rest of the world.
I want to wake up next to you. I want to bury my face in your hair, I want to kiss your neck. I want to get used to the twitch of your lips. I want to hold you, and never let you go again.
Please, let me be yours, for the rest of our lives. Please put your faith in me again. I want to build a life with you, I want to be by your side and have you by my side, ready to face whatever comes our way. Quite honestly, none of this is worth it, without you to share it with. No matter what I do, there’s no meaning to any of it, not without you.
You are my everything. Please come back to me. Put your faith in us. We’ll make it this time.
I love you.
Abhay