I hope things are okay with Simran and you. I feel bad for the way we left things after Jaipur. So unnecessary, after everything was going so well. She seems like a sweet, genuine person, and she’s clearly in love with you.
You seemed happy too, at least till the night of the wedding. Ever since then, I don’t know. I don’t know where you are and what you are and aren’t thinking. For all I know, you could be exactly where I am, or miles and miles apart. I have no way to tell, and I’ve been trying not to assume anything.
Let me explain. The other night, when you were asking me all those questions about how I felt about your emotional availability when we were together, I didn’t ask you why you needed to know. I can only assume. If she thinks you’re closed off and unavailable, then there’s certainly something different about your relationship with her. Because when we were together, never, not once did I think that you were shutting me out. I never craved more closeness, and hoped you would give me more.
Yes, I wanted to be with you all the time, and missed you when we weren’t together, but I never wondered if you were thinking about me or not. I never wished I could get to know you better. We were happy, comfortable. I knew who you were as a person, the little things and the big ones. I never thought of you as a closed book. I never felt left out, or wondered what was going on in your head.
You felt the same way about me. Our desire to be with each other came from our love for each other, not our need to control. And we didn’t need to control each other, because we were sure in the fact that in a way, we already had control over the other person. It’s called love.
We loved each other like crazy. Everything we did, together or alone, we always knew that we were loved unconditionally. There were no questions or doubts. We knew each other inside-out and loved every bit about the other person. Until…
Anyway, I thought of all of this when you told me how Simran feels. You’re not emotionally unavailable, so if she’s feeling that you are, it’s probably something you did. (Maybe you are emotionally unavailable to her). Unless it’s some sort of baggage she’s carrying from before. But in my experience, I’ve seen that girls have a sort of intuition about these things. If you’re making her feel like this, like she’s not enough, or if you can’t give her all of you, or all she wants, you probably shouldn’t string her along. It’s unfair to the both of you, especially to her.
When I say that maybe you’re emotionally unavailable to her, I don’t mean you’re trying to be that way. Maybe you don’t even see it. But she does. If she feels that way, maybe it’s true. Maybe you should think about what you’re doing that’s making her feel like that.
Of course, I can say none of this to you. The ex-girlfriend telling you to how to treat your new girlfriend … that’s not okay. Besides, this is just me trying to string random pieces together. I could be miles away from reality.
Just like you could’ve been miles away from where I was that night on the rooftop. I can’t get it out of my head. That look in your eyes … it’s driving me crazy. But it could’ve just been me, building parallel realities in my head, while in the literal reality, you felt something for a brief second, possibly out of habit, and moved on in the very next second, never thought about it again.
Or you’re exactly where I am. Thinking about it every single night since that night, unable to shake the feeling that we’ve made a terrible mistake. That we’re going down the wrong path. This is not how our story is supposed to end…
But again, all speculations. You could be miles away. None of this matters anyway. We’ve all moved on, haven’t we? I have to stop being the loser who can’t stop living in the past. It’s getting quite pathetic now. I don’t like myself anymore. I can’t remember the last time I liked myself, or felt like my existence was adding positive value to the world around me. But I don’t want to think about it; that’s a rabbit hole I can’t get in right now.
Let’s change the topic. I have some good news! I got a job interview with this NGO based in Delhi, that works to raise funds to put underprivileged kids back in school. It’s a new organization, but with a sensible business model. It being owned by Rajeev Kapoor helps with funding and branding; having a Bollywood A-lister makes everything easier. If I get the job, I would be doing mostly branding – working with the digital marketing team to do research, raise awareness, put the organization on the map.
I’m trying not to get too excited about this job, because I’m not sure they like me there. The day of the interview … was a strange one. I had woken up from a restless sleep. The stress for the interview, teamed with the haphazard research I had done to prepare for it resulted in these … colourful images in my dreams. It was a mixture of pictures I saw in the articles I’d read the night before, the disturbing data, and my own constant state of panic about wasting my life when I could be doing more, something to make a real difference.
By the time I reached their offices – with bags under my eyes, my lips chapped, almost bloody with worry, my palms sweaty – I felt as if the battle was already half lost. I did my best, but instead of taking charge and showing them everything I can do for them, I was more … grappling to find things from my portfolio that best reflected my skills and my default tone was please-hire-me-I’ll-do-anything.
Sometimes I feel like I can do anything I set my mind to. Yes, I know that’s super cheesy, but if I’m working on something I love and truly believe in, even if I don’t have all the skills and experience necessary to finish a job, I can learn. I’m excited to think up innovative marketing ideas, and then do whatever needs to be done to arrive at the result. All I need is for someone to take a chance. Give me a shot and I’ll prove myself. I just want them to give me a chance.
I don’t think they’re going to call me back. But at least from this experience, I now know what not to do the next time I go to an interview. I started on the wrong foot, and kept slipping. Next time, I’ll prepare more. I’ve always sucked at interviews.
Do you remember the interview you drove me to, one of the first ones I got, right after graduation? In the car, you kept telling me to calm down, while I aggressively jumped from article to article, trying to find out everything I could about the company and the work they did. I was looking up their competitors and their work, when you finally put your foot down.
‘Okay, I have to take this away from you now,’ you said, snatching my phone.
I reflexively lunged to get it back, but you wouldn’t let me have it. I was exasperated. ‘Are you serious right now? I have an interview in twenty-two minutes!’
‘Are you serious right now?’ you repeated without flinching. ‘You have an interview in twenty-two minutes.’
‘What’s your point?’
‘You have got to chill. You can’t go in there like this.’
‘What is that supposed to mean?’ I asked heatedly, wiping my sweaty palms on my pleated trousers.
You motioned towards all of me, and said, smiling, ‘This. You look like a cartoon character. With your knitted eyebrows, pink cheeks and beads of sweat on your forehead. And while I find this funny, people who are meeting you for the first time and are potentially going to pay you money to work for them might not see you as a candidate to invest in.’
‘You’re saying I’m not good enough!’ I yelled.
‘What do you think? In all the time that you’ve known me … please answer this question for yourself. Do you think I think you’re not good enough?’
I glared at you, puffing angrily. After a moment, I muttered, ‘The answer better be no.’
‘Of course it is! You deserve this, and so much more. I know that, you know that, but they don’t. You have to show them. And they won’t be able to see the best of you if you present this … mess to them. No offence, but I wouldn’t hire this girl either.’
‘My God. Do you have a point here, or are you just trying to kick me when I’m down?’
‘I’m not trying to kick you. I’m trying to question why you’re down in the first place. You are in the top ten per cent, wherever you go, whatever you do. You’ll be amongst the people in the room that are doing it the best. You’re organized, you are attentive to details, you think things through, no one can beat your planning and reasoning skills – you have all the raw materials. Your OCD is one of your biggest strengths, when it comes to this job role. The only problem I see here is this crippling lack of confidence that seems to have come out of nowhere and overtaken everything.’
I thought about that for a second. ‘First of all, thank you for making fun of my OCD. And it’s not unreasonable to be nervous before an interview. I really need this job. I can’t mess it up!’
‘Do you?’ You turned towards me and raised your eyebrow in question.
‘Want this job? Yes! Why do you think I’m panicking?!’
‘I’ve been trying to figure that out. Okay, tell me why you want this job.’
‘Because it’s everything I want to do with my life!’ I said angrily, getting more frustrated than ever. ‘Why do we have to do this now? The interview is thirteen minutes away.’
‘We don’t have to do this now, but please let me finish. I promise I won’t say anything that’s not helpful.’ You grabbed my hand and placed in on the gear stick, under yours.
I took quick breaths, trying to calm myself. I felt like I was going to break down crying. It’s only been a few months since we graduated, but there was so much pressure on me to find what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. I clearly wasn’t handling it too well. ‘Okay,’ I whispered.
‘This sounds like a good job. It definitely wouldn’t hurt to have an offer from them; always good to have options. But I’ve known you for years, ever since you started to actively think about what you want to be doing with your life … and babe, this isn’t it. That doesn’t mean that this couldn’t be a great first job, something to have to bring you confidence, money, stability, shut up the neighbours … whatever else is the immediate need. But at best, this is something you do while you chase your dreams. This is not the dream,’ you said, squeezing the hand you held under yours. ‘It’s not your dream.’
I thought about that for a minute. You knew me so well … even better than I knew myself. I finally voiced my insecurities. ‘What if … I never achieve my dreams? What if this is the best I can do?’ I said quietly, even as my body relaxed and my breathing began to return to normal, because you were there – touching me, listening to me, calming me down.
You laughed. ‘Seriously? I know you tend to exaggerate and it’s one of the things that I love about you, but this is ridiculous, even for you. You finished college three months ago. There’s all the time in the world. All we have to do is start somewhere and we’ll build on it till we get to the dream part. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and all that. They were right. But also, look at this job objectively. It’s not your dream. You’re good at lists – make lists of things this job offers and what you really, really want. Compare the overlap. There’s very little.’
‘How do you know this?’ I asked, genuinely confused.
‘Because I know you,’ you said simply.
I thought about it. Sitting next to you in the car, in the last few minutes before we reached the office, I thought about what the job offered and what I wanted, and how it didn’t really align with my plan at all. ‘I got so caught up with finding a job, any job, that I stopped thinking about what I wanted. That was moved to the bottom of my list of priorities.’
‘Of course you have a list of priorities.’ You chuckled.
I snatched my hand back and pushed your arm lightly. ‘So, what do we do about this interview?’ I asked.
‘We go in and blow their minds. Ask yourself what they have to offer you, not only all the things you can do for them. This isn’t life or death. This is great practice for the real jobs. If you get an offer, we can think about our next steps then. Nothing to lose.’
‘Nothing to lose,’ I repeated.
That had become my mantra for every job I applied for after that interview. I never got an offer for that job though, but it didn’t bother me as much as it would’ve without your inputs.
But this job … this is the one I really want. It’s the perfect balance of everything I want to do and learn. It hits the most points on my checklist. I’m worried that I blew the interview, but we’ll find out soon. I wished you were there to calm me down before I walked into that interview. I don’t know how that had become your job. But I liked how you took it on without complaints. You were my anchor in the little storms I seem to face constantly in my life. You grounded me when I was all over the place…
I wish you were here.