A warm breeze flows through the window, causing my hair to whip around my face. My eyes squint from the sunlight as the music blares through the speakers, helping to drown out all my plaguing thoughts. Pressing down on the gas pedal, my eyes avoid the rearview mirror as I put miles between me and my problems.
I still remember the day I learned my parents were getting a divorce. Maybe my mom was just blind or clueless, but it came as a surprise to her, too. The day after my seventeenth birthday, my mom was served divorce papers. I guess my dad was tired of living a double life.
The life where two towns over he had another family with two children.
Somewhere along the way, things had changed. When you’re busy focusing on your career and how the world views you, I guess it’s easy to miss how the foundation of your life is crumbling beneath you.
I still hear the wails coming from my mother as she begged my father not to leave her. My heart still aches for the broken woman who was willing to turn a blind eye and share the man she loved than not have him at all.
I vowed never to become so dependent on another person that I lost myself.
Spending a week at home during spring break was at the bottom of my list of fun things to do. Nothing about the place I grew up feels like home anymore. Until my trip home, I hadn’t seen or spoken to my dad since Christmas. I’m not surprised at how clueless he still seems, oblivious to the fact I want nothing to do with him anymore.
He called me the day before I left for Chicago, asking if I wanted to meet for lunch. I remember how my hand clenched my cell phone when he offered for me to come by his house. For a second I considered disconnecting the call, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it.
Instead, I told him I wasn’t ready, and it’s the truth.
I’m not ready to see the family he chose over ours. I wasn’t prepared to meet his other kids. I can’t bring myself to accept what he’s done to my mother or forgive him for the years of lies.
I’m still just not ready.
So, I keep driving with my foot heavy on the pedal, leaving everything I’m not ready to face behind me.
The soft vibration on my lap diverts me from my thoughts.
“Mase.” I smile as I click the button on my steering wheel connecting the call. It’s been almost a week since I’ve heard his voice. We’ve exchanged a few texts while I’ve been gone but texting is different.
Mason is my best friend. Along with my roommate, Lissa, he is one of the few people who knows about the drama with my parents. They are also the only two people I trust.
“Hey,” he sighs. With just one word, I can sense something is off.
“How’s the drive going?”
“Good. I’m about forty minutes or so out.”
Running my hand through my hair, I perch my arm on the side of the door, holding the strands away from my face.
“How did the visit home go?”
Only Mason understands and knows how hard it is for me to go back. How every day I’m there sucks a little bit more out of me. While I know he is curious how I’m doing. I can tell he’s hiding something bothering him, too. That’s Mason for you. He’s always more willing to be there for everyone else, but he doesn’t focus on himself.
“As good as I expected it to be,” I say, putting it as nicely as possible.
“That good, huh?”
“Yeah,” I sigh. “Is everything okay? You sound like you’re upset?”
“I’m alright. You want to stop by when you get home?” Mason asks.
I hesitate for a minute, thinking how I will be able to explain this to Kaleb. I haven’t seen my boyfriend, Kaleb, since I went home to Cleveland. He doesn’t exactly accept our friendship, but I know he knows how important Mason is to me.
“Uh, yeah, I can,” I say, swallowing the guilt I feel. Mason needs me more right now, and I know if I called him, he’d come running to be here for me.
“Never mind,” he mutters, picking up on the strain in my voice.
“No, don’t,” I say, hoping to reassure him. “It’s okay. I just need to call Kaleb and let him know I’ll be by a little later. Okay? I’ll swing by as soon as I get in town.”
We both say our goodbyes. I press my head against the headrest, thinking through how to tell Kaleb about the change in plans.
Sliding into my seat in the lecture hall, I leaned forward to retrieve my notebook and textbook. Waking up late, I barely had enough time to brush my teeth much less get ready for class. I was fresh-faced and dressed down in yoga pants and a t-shirt.
I couldn’t help feeling like I was starting the year off on a bad foot.
Leaning back into my seat, I immediately recognized my mistake as I let out a string of curse words that would rival the mouth of a drunken sailor.
“Everything okay?” a smooth voice asked. I couldn’t help the sudden inhale of breath when my eyes met the deep green irises staring at me. The dimple gracing his cheek would make my knees weak if I wasn’t already sitting.
“I’m sorry?” I asked, forgetting what was said while letting my eyes roam over his face and chest.
“I couldn’t help but overhear you. You seemed a little upset.”
“I brought the wrong notebook and textbook,” I said, holding up my integrated science book for him to see.
Running my hand across my forehead, I brushed away a few errant curls framing my face. I didn’t have enough time to get ready, so I opted to toss my hair into a messy bun. My natural curly hair would never look good if I left it loose and untamed.
“Here,” he said, flashing me his perfect smile as he handed me his. The dimple was back in full effect. Wrapping my hand around the edge of the textbook, I muttered out a thank you just as someone slipped in next to me bumping my shoulder.
“Good morning, beautiful.”
Turning my head, I found Mason sitting next to me wearing his signature smirk. I felt my cheeks warm at the embarrassment. I was guessing he heard me talking to dimples and he was trying to ward him off.
“Knock it off and pay attention,” I said, turning my head, trying to focus my attention as the professor started class.
“What, you’re not going to tell me I look handsome?” He feigned hurt, pressing his hand against his chest. I couldn’t help but roll my eyes.
“Like you didn’t already tell yourself before you walked out of the house this morning.” I wanted to laugh at my joke, but the chuckle sounding from next to me told me dimples heard it too.
“I always like to hear it from you,” he whispered loud enough for those around us to hear, as he leaned in close to my neck. “I’m hurt.” This time, for my ears only.
After class that day, Kaleb worked up the courage to ask me to dinner with Mason standing right there. Despite how many times I’ve told him Mason’s antics that day was us joking, I know he doesn’t believe it.
Even after I told him how much trust in a relationship means to me, after baring myself and sharing about my parents’ divorce, he still throws our friendship in my face. I can’t say I don’t understand where he’s coming from. My insecurities often get the best of me. I’m scared I could end up like my mom, giving my heart to someone only to have them crush it.
Kaleb has never given me any reason not to trust him, and I’ve worked hard to prove to him there is nothing to worry about where Mason is concerned.
Approaching my exit, I hit the turn signal as I veer my car toward the off ramp. Deciding it’s time to bite the bullet, I reach for my cell just as it vibrates in my hand. Kaleb’s name appears on the screen, and I smile as I swipe to accept the call.
“Hey, babe! I’m almost back. I am just pulling onto Washington Street now.”
“Sounds good, baby. I can’t wait to see you. I thought we could go grab dinner together.”
“I miss you, too,” I sigh. My heart warms as it hits me just how much. “I need to make a quick stop at Mason’s house. He didn’t say much, but I could tell something is going on. I’ll call you when I’m leaving his place.”
The line goes silent, and I hold the phone in front of me to check whether the call has disconnected.
“Are you there?” I mumble, already feeling terrible.
“Yup,” he retorts. “Is it always going to be like this, Brea? Will I always come in second place?”
I blink back the tears filling the brim of my eyes.
“It’s not like that, Kaleb, and you know it. Mason’s my best friend, and he needs me right now.”
“Yeah, well, I’ve spent the last week away from you and right now I need you, too. What about me, huh?”
I can’t hold it in anymore. Tears fill my eyes making it hard to see as I maneuver my car onto the side of the road.
“I’m sorry,” I choke. I don’t know how to get Kaleb to believe me when I know I still struggle to trust him, too.
“Yeah, baby, I am, too.” I hear the hoarse sound of his voice before the line clicks, disconnecting the call. I know he has every right to be upset with me. We had made these plans before I ever left town, knowing it would be a long week away from each other.
Looking in the rearview mirror, I run my fingers under my eyes wiping away the mascara streaking down my face. My hair is windblown and wild. Running my fingers through the strands, I attempt to calm the madness.
Checking the time on the dashboard, it’s a little after five o’clock. I decide to try and keep the visit quick. There is still time for us to grab dinner. Letting out a deep breath, I pick up my phone and type out a message.
Me: I promise I’ll make it up to you. I love you. I’ll call you as soon as I leave and we can meet for dinner.
Scrolling through my Spotify playlist, I click on Salt-N-Pepa before tossing my phone on the empty seat beside me. Adjusting the rearview mirror, I pull onto the road leaving my problems behind me for the second time today.