Chapter 19

Marek

The light coming out from under Gracen’s bedroom door tells me she’s probably still awake. I had come upstairs with no other agenda than to check on Lilly. My parents dropped her off after watching her all day and she’s been asleep for a few hours, but I still love opening the door and looking in on her. Her face is so different when she’s asleep. So utterly relaxed and peaceful. I could stare at it for hours.

I had not intended to disturb Gracen. She’s been withdrawn all day following that run-in with Owen, and she’s not exactly happy with me that I called her parents and forced a confrontation.

But I’m glad I did. Now I know the truth of what’s going on, and more important, Gracen can let go of that unnecessary burden she’s been carrying around.

Christ, I can’t believe she’d ever let herself get into that situation with Owen. But I also understand it. Gracen’s the type who would run into a burning building to save a kitten, so it’s no surprise she’d sacrifice herself to save her parents’ house.

It was stupid, but she feels foolish enough about it that she doesn’t need me or anyone else reiterating it to her. After we put Lilly down, she escaped into her room and shut the door behind her without another word to me. I went back down to my room and got packed up for our first preseason game, which will be New York. I have to be out of here in the morning before the sun comes up, but that took about five minutes, and then I was twiddling my thumbs.

Thinking of Gracen and that shit she got herself embroiled in.

Mostly thinking of last night, though, and the fact that we had sex.

Four times before the sun came up.

If you count oral, and I most certainly do.

So fucking stupid, yet I don’t have an ounce of regret. It was better than I ever remembered, and that’s saying something, since Gracen was the best I’ve ever had. I know that has to do with the depth of feelings I had for her back when we were together, and I’m wondering what it means that it feels better now, when love isn’t even involved anymore.

But something’s involved. Maybe it’s that she gave birth to my daughter, or maybe it’s because I’ve matured.

Who knows?

My knuckles are rapping on her door softly before I can even talk myself out of it, and I don’t wait for her to invite me in. I want to make sure she’s okay.

I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that I also want to gauge whether there’s any of that chemical spark remaining between us, or if it was truly purged from our systems last night.

Correction, if it was purged from her system last night. I know without a doubt that I want her tonight, and the night after, and the night after that.

When I step in, I find her sitting on her bed cross-legged and bent over a magazine she has opened on the mattress before her. Her head raises and she looks at me warily.

“You need to let it go,” I tell her as I step in and close the door behind me.

Gracen blinks in surprise that I’m calling her on the carpet, and her cheeks turn a cute shade of pink.

“I know you,” I remind her as I come to sit on the edge of the bed. “I know how that brain of yours is working. But it’s over and done. All is well. So let it go.”

Her eyes flit back and forth between mine, perhaps trying to discern if there’s some lie in what I just said. I just hold her gaze until she finally lets out a huge breath of frustration.

She falls back onto the pillows propped up against the headboard with misery coating her face. “I feel so stupid. So very fucking stupid. If I’d just talked to my parents rather than trying to handle it all on my own.”

I chuckle and shrug. “Hindsight’s twenty-twenty. But your heart was in the right place, Gracen. That’s all that matters.”

She stretches out and crosses one bare leg over another. I try to ignore it, but her shorts are, well, really short. I remember too well how those legs felt wrapped around me last night.

Lacing her fingers together and resting them on her belly, she says, “You’re right. And thanks for saying that. I just talked to my parents again not long ago and they laid it on a little thick, giving me hell and all.”

I smile and nod. While I know Sheryl and Tim were appalled over the lengths to which Gracen felt she had to go, I know they’d try to bring some humor into the situation. Tim especially. I bet he ribbed her mercilessly.

There’s one other serious thing I want to talk about, and after we have that discussion, I’m going to kiss her and see what happens. My hand slides into my pocket and I finger the condom I slipped in a bit ago.

“Listen,” I say as I turn slightly to face her on the bed. I place a palm on the mattress and lean toward her. “Last night…”

She tilts her head slightly, curiously waiting for whatever I want to say.

“We didn’t use protection.” My voice is gentle but blunt. We should have talked about this before, and that’s my fault. I was too eager to have her. “I just wanted you to know…I don’t go around having unprotected sex. You’re safe. But I have to know, Gracie…with Owen. I mean, he was a whore in high school…”

“He still is,” she says calmly with a disgusted shake of her head. My stomach drops not only for what that might mean for me, but for what it meant for her feelings. Did she feel betrayed? Did he break her heart?

“But you don’t have to worry about it,” she goes on to say. “Owen and I never had sex.”

Relief and shock overwhelm me for a moment as I try to process what she just said. “Come again?”

“We never went there,” she says with her chin raised a bit. “I kept putting him off. Telling him we’d wait for our wedding night, and well…he didn’t care. He had his piece on the side.”

“I’m sorry,” I tell her, although I’m not. I’m fucking overjoyed she didn’t have sex with him. I’m not a fool to think she was celibate the years we were apart, but fuck if I want the image of her and Owen together in my mind.

“Don’t be,” she says with a shrug. “And you’ve got absolutely nothing to worry about with me. I’ve always been safe.”

Fuck, I want to kiss her.

My fingertip slides over the smooth foil wrapper. If she tells me she’s on the pill, I’m tossing this fucker into the garbage. “Um…what about pregnancy? We already know my swimmers like your eggs.”

I expect her to laugh at my attempt to lighten the mood, but the normal shine in her eyes goes flat as she frowns. Her gaze drops to her hands, which I notice tighten to the point her knuckles are white.

My stomach clenches.

“Gracen?” I ask, feeling completely uneasy over what she might tell me, and I’m thinking a potential pregnancy isn’t the worst of it.

She sucks in a breath, and when she looks back to me, she has a forced smile. Her voice is overly bright. “You don’t have to worry about that either.”

That’s an answer, but I can tell it’s not the full answer based on her demeanor.

“You’re on the pill?” I press her.

Her expression looks like a deer in the headlights. Her lips part, but she doesn’t say a word.

I’m filled with dread and my voice is way too tight. “Why don’t we have to worry about pregnancy?”

My stomach cramps viciously when Gracen’s face goes hard and flat. She lifts her chin, but can’t hide the tremble in her voice. “Because I can’t have any more children.”

“What?” I ask in disbelief, but my words come out so softly I barely hear them.

“I had a placental abruption about a week before Lilly’s due date. They had to take her by emergency C-section. When they couldn’t get the bleeding under control, they had to do a hysterectomy to save my life.”

I’m going to hurl. Vomit my guts up right here on her bed. My hand slides out of my pocket, the condom seeming like the worst idea I’ve ever had.

“I don’t understand what that means.” My hand curls into a fist and I want to slam it into a wall. “You told my mom you went into labor when you were in class.”

“No, I didn’t say I went into labor. She asked how the delivery was and I said it was fine. But I was in class when I started bleeding, so that started everything…”

“I don’t understand. What’s a placental abruption? Why does it happen?”

“No clue why it happens,” she says as she picks at the hem of her frayed shorts. “But it’s where the placenta detaches from the uterine lining. This disrupts the flow of oxygen to the baby. It’s very dangerous. Luckily, an ambulance got me to the nearby hospital and they were able to get Lilly out in time. She’s perfectly fine, if you’re worried about that. She was close enough to the due date that her lungs were developed well enough.”

I shake my head hard, opening my fist and closing it again. “I know Lilly’s fine. I just…I can’t believe you didn’t tell me that. I mean, fuck…you went through all that by yourself?”

Another shrug as she lifts her gaze to me. “Why would I tell you? It has nothing to do with you.”

That shouldn’t hurt, but it does. She’s right. It’s none of my business, but damn it, it should have been my business.

And fuck.

Just fuck.

She had a hysterectomy. She can’t have any more children. Lilly is it for her unless she adopts, and she can’t ever get pregnant again by me.

I shake my head hard and push up off the bed so fast Gracen lets out a little gasp. Why in the fuck I’m even thinking about getting her pregnant is beyond me, but I need to shut that shit down fast.

Taking a breath, I wipe my hand over my face. Gracen looks at me guardedly.

I have no clue what to fucking say. I feel wretched that Gracen went through that, and that she did so alone. For perhaps the first time, I feel true guilt for breaking up with her and for the way in which I did it. For telling her that I wanted my freedom and didn’t want the responsibility. I created a situation where Gracen had to face that pregnancy alone, and she and Lilly almost died from it.

“I’m sorry,” I manage to croak out. “I’m sorry you went through that alone and that you can’t have any more kids.”

Gracen’s expression softens and she looks at me with empathy.

At me with empathy.

Me.

Fuck. I don’t need that to make me feel worse than I already do.

“Marek…it’s fine,” she says quietly. “I’ve made my peace with it and I have Lilly. I’m blessed.”

So easy for her to say that. She’s had years to process it, but I just had my guts metaphorically torn out of me two minutes ago.

“I, um…I gotta go get packed for my flight tomorrow,” I say lamely as I move to the door. All thoughts of kissing that beautiful face and sinking into that gorgeous pussy are long forgotten. I turn to face her just before I step out of her room. “We good about last night, though?”

Understanding dawns on her face as she immediately gets what I’m saying. Last night was truly a one-time-only thing. There’s no way I can continue that shit with Gracen.

Not when she provokes the most amazing—and also the worst—feelings within me. I can’t ever let my heart get tied back up with her like that again, as I’m finding out that it fucking hurts when the person you care about hurts.