‘This is so good.’ He was curled up on my bed with his phone, where I’d made him download an app so he could read one of my damn stories.

‘Shut up.’ I didn’t so much as turn to look at him, just kept scrolling on Facebook.

My real Facebook this time, to see what people I knew were up to. It wasn’t much. Sarah was active on Facebook, posting about her awesome new student life in Trondheim, but Andreas, Peter, and Alex hardly ever updated theirs.

What Andreas and Peter did have were new profile pictures of themselves in uniform. They looked good in them. And to think that that should’ve been me too if I hadn’t been too messed up in the head.

‘It’s true, Glenn. Give me more gay erotica, please. Who knew reading could be so much fun!’ He waved the phone in my direction. ‘One more. Please. I’ll give you another blowjob.’

I snorted.

‘You going to keep offering blowjobs for books? I think your jaw’s not going to like that after a while.’

He seemed dubious.

‘How many books have you published?’

I logged out of Facebook and swung around on the chair to face him.

‘I think I’ve got over a hundred erotica shorts published altogether by now.’

That surprised him.

‘How long have you been writing?’

‘Years.’ I slouched in the chair. ‘Been publishing for a year and a half, roughly, though.’

His gaze darted down to my crotch, but my baggy joggers hid whatever he looked for from sight.

‘Wow, Glenn. The things I’m learning about you.’ He smiled. ‘Am I the only one who knows about, well, everything?’

‘Pretty much, yeah.’ Why I felt comfortable telling him when I didn’t want to tell anyone else was beyond me.

Nik wasn’t… well, he was all right. I never would’ve thought that before. Before he was just the flamboyant, effeminate gay kid that I wouldn’t have wanted to get within radius of.

Now he was… something else. Something more. Much more. It was disconcerting.

He was in front of me before I could blink, standing in-between my legs. As I looked up into his face, he bent down and hugged me.

I froze, unsure what to do, but by the time my brain figured maybe I should hug him back, he’d straightened back up. And now he ruffled my hair—which honestly, it was pretty ruffled, to begin with because it hadn’t seen a brush in days.

‘To think I always thought you were a dick. A fit one, yeah, but still such an arsehole.’

He’d been spot on, considering I had been just that.

‘And what do you think now?’

His smile got a teasing edge to it.

‘Now I think there’s a lot more to you than the tough face you show to the world.’

‘Oh yeah?’ I didn’t like talking about feelings or being put on the spot. There was a reason I hadn’t gone to therapy outside of when I was sectioned—and then only because I hadn’t had any other choice.

His hands settled on my shoulders and he bent forwards towards me.

‘And I like what I’m seeing.’ With that, his lips were on mine and he straddled my lap.

I grabbed his arse to keep him settled and melted into the kiss.

Shit, I love kissing him.

The realisation came like lightning from a clear sky and it was… it was good and it was scary and it was huge.

Knock, knock, knock!

‘Glenn?’

Shit!

I pulled back from Nik, panic rising from the bottom of my gut.

Don’t open the door, don’t fucking open the door!

‘Y-yeah?’ I forced out through the big ball of anxiety constricting my chest.

‘Dinner’s ready,’ Mum said—and to my huge relief, the doorknob didn’t move. ‘It’s a little early today because I’m meeting some friends later. Do you want to come eat with us? Or should I bring a plate down for you?’

Nik’s face was close to me, but while I kept glancing at the doorknob, still panicky, he regarded me closely.

‘I—I’ll—’

Fuck.

If I went upstairs to have dinner with them, that meant leaving Nik and I didn’t want to stop kissing him. But if Mum came downstairs with dinner for me, she’d see Nik and I so wasn’t ready for that. He was so obvious he couldn’t pass for a friend. Even if Mum believed he was a friend, he was so very obviously a gay friend and just no—I couldn’t.

‘I’m going to go talk to Ben,’ Nik whispered in my ear before he climbed off my lap.

‘You have to eat, Glenn,’ Mum said from the other side of the door. She’d taken my silence to mean I didn’t want food. It wasn’t particularly on my mind at the moment, to be honest, but I wasn’t at the point anymore where the simple thought of food made me nauseated.

‘I-I’m coming up. Give me five.’ If Nik was leaving anyway, there was no point in staying in my room.

‘Okay then.’ The stairs creaked as Mum walked back up them and I could finally relax again.

Nik was already at the window, shoes and jacket on.

‘Bye, Glenn.’

‘I—Are you—’ He couldn’t just leave with that. ‘Are you coming back?’ I needed him to come back.

He smiled slightly.

‘Do you want me to come back?’

I nodded. It was true. I wanted to kiss him again, wanted to curl up in bed with him again, and most of all I wanted to finally attempt that blow job.

‘Then I’ll come back. When depends on if Ben wants to see me or not though.’ He opened the window and climbed out.

‘Window’s open, so just—yeah, just come whenever you want.’

He winked at me—and left.

I closed the window but didn’t lock it so he could easily push it open again when he returned. Whenever that was.

Let him be quick.

Why I wanted that, I had no idea.

Nik wasn’t my type.

I’d slept with him one-time last year, and a couple times now in just as many days. That wasn’t long enough to get attached or to get any other sort of feelings.

It couldn’t be… right?

I trudged upstairs to face my family. Mum, who tried her best too late, Dad who was uncomfortable with it all, and Marcus who didn’t give a shit.

Speaking of Marcus… his hand looked the same as it had at breakfast. Raw and sore. He must’ve hit Ben hard for those kinds of injuries. I wasn’t sure I even wanted to see how Ben looked.

‘There you are.’ Mum smiled as she sat the boiled potatoes on the table. ‘It’s all ready. Dig in.’

I took the smallest potato, some meat and sauce, and mashed it all together.

‘Vegetables?’ Dad asked, holding the plate with the steaming vegetables out to me.

I shook my head and he passed it on to Marcus.

For once I ate quickly, wanting to get back to my room. I could get some words in while I waited for Nik to return.

Once I’d swallowed the last piece, I rinsed the plate and put it in the dishwasher, then headed straight for the door. No one said anything, so I figured they didn’t mind. Or maybe they wanted to be rid of me; I wasn’t good company, after all.

My room was empty when I came back downstairs, but I hadn’t expected him to be back yet.

I grabbed my laptop from the desk and brought it with me over to the bed. I put my pillows up so I could lean against them, crossed my legs, and opened the screen. The laptop instantly woke to life.

It took a few seconds to connect to the WiFi, but once it did, I logged out of my personal Facebook and into the one I used for my writing pen name. I had thirteen notifications and one new message.

I skipped the notification and instead clicked on the message.

I checked out the notification as I waited for him to answer. Twenty-seven minutes since he’d been online. He might be busy. England was an hour behind, so maybe he was out and about, or—

Facebook pinged.

When he didn’t answer right away, I started chewing my bottom lip nervously. Maybe I’d been too much of a dick now.

Knock, knock, knock!

I started so badly at the three rapid knocks that the laptop slid off my lap.

‘Yeah?’

‘Can I come in?’ Mum asked from the other side of the door.

I glanced at the laptop, where I was in the middle of a conversation. Then at the window, where Nik could come back through any moment.

‘What is it?’

‘I want to talk to you for a bit. Just you and me.’

My heart beat faster than normal and a ball of anxiety had stuck permanently to the inside of my chest. ‘Y-yeah. Okay.’

As the doorknob moved, I grabbed the laptop again to shoot off a quick message. I hated to leave a conversation hanging without an excuse.

I watched Mum with trepidation as she came into the room. She looked around, almost as if to check everything was in order, then she took my desk chair.

‘What’s up?’ I tried to sound normal, nonchalant but didn’t manage it by a long shot.

The fact that Mum had come down here to talk, and that she’d been here cleaning the other day—and found my bloody sex toys… that must tell her everything. Straight guys didn’t have dildos and butt plugs and anal beads in a box under their bed.

‘I’m worried about you.’ She seemed calm, gaze resting patiently on me.

‘Worried? What’s to be worried about?’ I was fine. Lots better than I’d been last year.

‘What’s not to be worried about?’ She motioned around the room, which was in pristine condition now compared to when she’d been down here cleaning it. ‘You hardly go out, Glenn. You stay in here. I have no idea what you do all day, every day. I’m worried that it’s going to make you worse. That not getting out in public once in a while, not having anything to do will make you worse.’

I frowned at her.

She sighed.

‘How about a job? Just part-time. At least you’ll get out a little.’

‘No, I—’ I couldn’t do some stupid part-time job. I couldn’t stock shelves or man the till in the supermarket. Just no.

‘You’ll earn some money.’

‘I’m already making more money now than I would in a fucking grocery shop.’

It was her turn to frown.

‘What’re you making money on?’ She drew in a breath and her hands clenched. ‘Don’t tell me Marcus got you into any of his shit? If it’s drugs or—’

‘No, no, no!’ I stopped her before she could make any other scenarios for herself. ‘It’s not drugs. It’s got nothing to do with Marcus. He doesn’t know what I do.’

‘What is it you do then?’ Her expression told me loud and clear she dreaded my answer.

Hah, if only you knew, Mum! It’s nothing dangerous at all. So very far from it.

‘I write. Books. And sell them online.’

She sat up straighter, the trepidation gone and replaced by surprise. I’d even go so far as to categorise it as shock.

‘You write books?’

‘Yeah.’ The most boring profession ever. Hazards: overweight, from spending all day in a chair with hardly any physical activity.

‘Oh, wow, I—’

I’d officially stunned her. And that was hard to do. As a lawyer, she was extremely good at words and always had something to say.

And then my worst nightmare happened.

The window opened, bringing with it a cold wind, some snow… and Nik, who dropped lightly onto the floor.

Mum stared at him.

‘Good, you’re here—’ Nik saw Mum—and he stared back. ‘Oh.’

Well, shit.

The cat’s out of the bag now.

It had to be, with him coming in my window, what she’d found under my bed and his general looks.

‘I’m sorry, I can go—’ Nik motioned back to the window.

‘No, that’s okay.’ Mum stood, smiling slightly at the both of us. ‘We’ll talk more later, okay?’ With that, she left.

All air left me and I fell back on the bed.

‘You all right?’ Nik approached slowly. ‘Should I have texted before I came in? I didn’t mean to—’

‘No, it’s okay.’

I hope so, anyway.

‘Has she mentioned anything about—?’ He motioned towards the floor under the bed.

‘No.’ Thank fuck. ‘Nothing.’

‘She hasn’t asked about it at all?’ He sat down tentatively next to me.

‘Not about that.’ I couldn’t even say it out loud. ‘She’s worried. She probably thinks I’m going to try and off myself again because I spend all my time in here. So, I told her what I do. That I write.’

‘Did you tell her what you write?’

‘No. Didn’t get to that part. You arrived.’ Thank fuck for that too, now I came to think about it. ‘Even if you hadn’t, I wouldn’t have told her what exactly what it is I write. That would only lead to a conversation about…’

Now it was my turn to motioned towards that damn box. Maybe I should just get rid of it all. It wasn’t like I used it much anymore, anyway. Solo sex wasn’t any fun.

‘She didn’t seem weird. I mean, if she did see your sex toys stash and she wasn’t okay with it, she wouldn’t be acting like all’s fine right?’

‘I don’t know.’ Mum had always been a little passive-aggressive. I wasn’t sure if she was now though.

Nik stretched out next to me, elbow braced on the bed and head resting in his palm as he gazed down at me.

‘Want me to cheer you up?’

‘How do you figure you’re going to do that?’

‘Getting naked would be a good start.’ He slipped his hand under my jumper, fingers travelling down my treasure trail and under the waistband of my joggers.

I liked the sound of that. I really did, but… there was one thing we still hadn’t got around to. Me sucking him off. I wanted to do it, I wanted to try, but I was too much of a coward to suggest it.

When he shimmied down my body and wrapped his lips around me, I gasped. Then closed my eyes and just enjoyed his expert mouth. It didn’t take long. If he wasn’t so fucking good at this, I might’ve been embarrassed by coming so quickly, but as it was, he had such an amazing mouth.

‘Liked that, did you?’ He brushed his lips against mine.

Of course I did.

I grabbed his neck and pulled him against me, deepening the kiss. That he’d just sucked me off didn’t matter at all.

‘Stay here tonight?’ I asked once we broke apart, but we were still close enough for me to nip playfully at his lower lip.

‘Mmm.’ He straddled my hips, my naked hips because he hadn’t pulled my joggers up to cover my junk after he blew me. ‘On one condition.’

‘What condition?’ Was this going to be something good or something bad?

‘That you come out with me tonight.’ He wiggled his jeans-covered arse against my crotch.

I hissed because it was really sensitive down there right after an orgasm.

‘Out where?’

‘Out on the town. It’s Long Friday, there’s going to be so many people about.’ He pulled his shirt off, baring his toned, tanned torso for me to ogle. ‘Come out with me and I’ll shag you all day and all night.’

‘Sure, I’ll go out with you. If you go home with me.’ I ran my hands up his thighs. I wished he’d take his jeans off too.

He chuckled.

‘Deal, Glenn.’

I grabbed him and flipped us over. He relaxed into the sheets, arms locking loosely around my shoulders and legs wrapping around my hips.

‘Get these bloody jeans off.’ I wanted him naked against me.

He laughed and pushed against my shoulder.

‘You got to get off me then.’

I did roll over on my back, but only so he could get out of those skinny jeans—and so I could be rid of my own clothes. Once we were both naked I was back in-between his legs, naked skin rubbing against naked skin, and our lips locked in one hot and heavy kiss. A kiss that never ended. A kiss I didn’t want to end.

He said we’d shag all day and night, but fuck it, I could kiss him all day and night. Not that I’d ever say no to a fuck, but still.

After a while, he pushed on my shoulders again.

‘It’s cold in here.’ He shuddered. ‘I forgot to close the window properly.’

‘For fuck’s sake.’ I groaned as I pushed up off him. I walked over the floor to close the window bare arse naked.

Nik laughed where he still lay on his back.

‘Don’t let your dick shrivel up in the cold. I’m going to need it.’

‘Shut up.’ But I smiled as I said it.

He only laughed harder.

‘Get lube and condoms, would you?’

‘You’re so bossy.’ That didn’t stop me from stooping down to drag the box out from under the bed though. Nor from getting exactly what he asked for.

‘Make that more than one condom. Like, three at least.’

I grabbed a handful, straightened up, and dropped them all on top of him.

‘That enough?’

He ripped one open.

‘Should be. Just barely.’

‘Cheeky.’

‘You like it.’ He said it matter-of-factly—and it was. Because I did like it. I liked him. Way too much.

He sat up to roll the rubber on me and lube it all up, before flopping back down and spreading his legs.

Well, I didn’t need more invitation than that.

The club was crowded, the atmosphere heavy but good. People milled about, many danced, most were gathered around the bar or the tables spread around. It should be great, but… it wasn’t.

A big part of it was because Nik was wearing one of those outrageous shirts of his—and tonight’s said I LOVE COCK. It had a picture of the damn animal under it, but everyone who saw the shirt and who looked at him as a whole knew perfectly well it wasn’t about a bloody chicken.

I didn’t particularly want to be seen with him, but at the same time, I couldn’t keep my eyes off him. He was outrageous and out-there, but he had this confidence about him I envied. And he was handsome. I just wanted to go back home, drag him with me, and bury into bed again. Fuck under the sheets like we did earlier.

We’d spent all evening in bed together—and all had been well. Until now.

‘Rum and Coke?’ Nik yelled into my ear.

I nodded, and he leant over the bar to give our orders to the bartender. She whipped the drinks up in no time and I drank half mine in one gulp.

‘Whoa, take it easy there.’ Nik leant against my side, all happy and smiling.

I felt so fucking guilty for being uncomfortable around him in public.

‘I’m not dragging your arse home if you get pissed,’ he warned playfully.

‘Don’t worry,’ I promised, leaning slightly against him too. ‘You won’t have to.’ But I still drained the rest of my drink in one go.

‘Yeah, right,’ Nik said—I could barely hear it over the thumping music.

I motioned for the bartender to get me another one and she nodded she understood. I handed over a hundred, got the change back, and immediately tipped the drink to my lips.

Nik’s arm slid across my shoulders and his lips brushed my ear.

‘You all right?’

I nodded quickly. Here he was worried about me and all that was wrong was that I was slowly dying of embarrassment—and then guilt because of that.

Why was he so nice? So sweet? So attentive?

I didn’t deserve it. So very far from it.

All was good back in my bedroom when it was just the two of us and the rest of the world had no idea what we were up to. But out here, surrounded by people—and not even people I knew at that—it crushed me. The knowledge that he was a guy, a guy I liked a lot, that he was so obviously gay, and that I didn’t want people to know I liked dick.

‘I’m going to go dance,’ he shouted then.

I only nodded, and he moved away. I tilted my head slightly to the side to watch his back disappear into the throng of people on the dance floor.

I dearly wished the time was there for the bars and clubs to close, but it was two hours until we had to leave. I wanted to leave badly, but considering we’d just arrived, and paid for entry, I didn’t think he’d want to leave yet. He was the one who absolutely wanted to go out too, so he definitely wouldn’t be in for heading home early.

I jumped in surprise as a big, beefy hand settled on my shoulder. When I turned, my heart jumped into my throat too.

‘Marcus?’

He stared at me with narrowed eyes.

‘What’re you doing with that poofter?’ He nodded his head towards the dance-floor.

I didn’t dare look that way. All I could do was stare at Marcus, panicked and terrified.

He didn’t seem happy.

‘You’re around queers a lot, aren’t you?’ He leant in, all big and menacing. ‘Andreas, that sissy of his… which was the reason you hit me last year. And now that one?’ He pointed now, but the crowd on the dance floor was so thick I couldn’t see Nik.

That’s right.

I did hit Marcus.

That was back last May when we’d celebrated being graduates. We’d all been drunk, I’d talked with Alex or danced with him or something and then Marcus had been there and we’d ended up in a fistfight.

‘Can’t I have friends?’ I forced out through a clenched jaw.

‘Poofs?’ he spat, and his hand tightened on my shoulder to the point of pain.

I wrenched it off and took a step back. I didn’t want to be near him. I couldn’t tell if he was sober, or drunk, or high, but no matter what he was, he was dangerous.

‘My friends are my friends. I don’t care who they like—’

He shoved me so hard I stumbled into two girls standing behind me. Their drinks splashed down their dresses and my shirt.

‘I’m sorry,’ I told them but instantly turned back to Marcus. Standing with my back to him was never a good idea. ‘Drop it, would you?’

His expression was stormy and I knew he wouldn’t drop it. He’d pursue this until it turned nasty. The best thing to do, for me and for everyone around, was to remove myself from the situation.

I left.

But he followed—a menacing presence behind my back, and when we were outside he grabbed me and shoved me up against the side of the building.

‘What the fuck is your problem?’ I shoved at him now, staring at his eyes. There was a light right above us, so I could clearly see his pupils were dilated.

On drugs then.

‘You hanging around with these poofs.’

‘Why does it bother you? They’re my friends!’

I had no idea why he was such a damn homophobe. Why he’d seen fit to bash Alex in the head when it was Andreas who was my best friend. Why not him? Was it because Andreas didn’t look gay? Not that Alex did, but he was smaller and leaner than both Andreas and me.

‘It’s disgusting.’ He didn’t move closer to me but his hands clenched and unclenched, which I didn’t find particularly safe. I’d already been hit in the face once a few days ago—but Marcus would do a whole lot more damage than Nik ever could.

‘So, what? It’s not you they’re fucking.’ Why should he be judge, jury and executioner? What did it matter to him who other people wanted to sleep with? As long as their advances weren’t towards him, it was absolutely none of his business.

He took a step closer, looming over me.

‘Is anyone fucking you?’

My heart beat a mile a minute. If it beat any faster it would beat out of my chest.

‘I’m not gay,’ I said forcefully.

‘You better not be.’

I was trapped there when he braced his arms on both sides of my head. He could smash my head against the brick wall if he wanted. I wouldn’t put it past him.

‘So, why were you all cosied up with that damn poofter in there?’

‘I wasn’t.’ My voice shook—and it made me almost as ashamed as the lie I was telling him. ‘I don’t really know him. He’s Ben’s friend. You know, the guy you just beat up. Andreas’s cousin.’ I couldn’t help that dig, but my anxiety ratcheted up to choke me.

His eyes narrowed.

‘He deserved it. You know what he said?’

I swallowed. I wasn’t sure I wanted to know.

‘He said he’d sucked your dick. That he’d do mine too.’

Shit, shit, shit.

‘If he’s sucked your dick, that makes you something, Glenn. And if it’s true, that you’ve let him do that to you, certainly you’ve let that other queer do it too, right?’

Go away!

I wanted to lash out at him but I couldn’t get my arms to move.

He spit on the ground in front of me.

‘You’re fucking disgusting.’

‘It’s not true!’ I took a step to the side, away from him. ‘I’m not gay. I’m not.’

‘Sure you’re not.’ He didn’t seem to believe me at all.

I didn’t believe me, so why should he, right? I was the biggest coward in the whole damn town. And I couldn’t get away from it, because I was too fucking embarrassed about it, to tell the truth. And I was afraid of Marcus and what he’d do.

I was afraid what Mum and Dad would say.

If Marcus went completely mental, would they help him out of it like they did when he bashed Alex? Or would they be on my side? I didn’t dare find out because I was afraid of that answer. Afraid it was the wrong one.

‘You’re going to go back in to that little poof of yours, aren’t you?’ He spat on the ground again. ‘Let him suck you off? Stick his dick in you? Right? That’s what you’re all about.’

I couldn’t read him, couldn’t tell what his endgame was. Couldn’t tell what the fuck he was going to do—and it scared the life out of me. That my own brother was such a psycho I had no idea where we stood, what he’d do if he found out the truth…

‘I’m not. Going in there. I’m not.’ I couldn’t risk it, not with him here and high on whatever drugs he was taking. I should go home, tell Mum he was using again, but I feared what he’d do then too. ‘I’m going home. This isn’t the right scene for me.’

‘Yeah, run back home, Glenn.’ He took several steps back, but that glower didn’t leave his face. ‘Run back to your room. Just stay locked up in there like you usually do and let the people who can actually handle the world be out in it. You’re good for nothing else anyway.’

Well, he was right about that.

I left—and I didn’t dare look back. He didn’t follow me, thankfully, but that wasn’t reassuring at all. Because Nik was still back there and he was on Marcus’s radar.

I should go back. Make sure he made it home safe, that Marcus didn’t do anything to him. I didn’t know what I’d do if Marcus hurt him. But I didn’t dare. Fear and shame mixed together into a blend of emotions that kept me walking steadfastly home.

I walked past the front door, not up for seeing my parents. The light was on in the living room, so they were up and around, and just no, I couldn’t.

My window was unlatched, as usual, so I pushed it open, jumped down into my room, and then latched it properly behind me. I locked my door too, for good measure.

My forehead thumped against the wood as the lock clicked. The tears were hot and heavy as they trickled down my cheeks and I hit the wall to try and feel something besides shame and terror. It didn’t work—so I hit the wall again. And again and again and again, until the white wall were covered in trails of blood.

I sunk to the floor and curled up on myself, sobbing into my kneecaps.

My phone pinged in my pocket and I fished it out with a shaking hand—the one I hadn’t hit the wall repeatedly with. It was a text message from Nik and it only made me feel ten times worse.

If only I hadn’t been saved last year. If only they’d let me die, like I wanted, I wouldn’t have to go through this. I wouldn’t have to put him through this. But life was unfair.

Even when I tried to end it, it fucked with me. I was tired of it. So fucking tired. I didn’t know what to do anymore.