My body aches from practice, the pain settling into my skin and burrowing deep inside my bones. Every time it hurts, I try to ignore the throbbing sensation that spreads down my thigh. But the darkness always wins out, and I never fight it. Because I like the high I get from the adrenaline that courses through my veins.

I need the reminder that I am still alive, even though I feel like I died a long time ago. I should have died. It should have been me. Now, I’m left with the guilt and the pain and a constant reminder of how much I fucked up. The scar above my left eyebrow—another reminder. Every time I look in the mirror, I have to confront my past. If only I could embrace it before it conquers me, eats me alive from the inside out.

By the time I pull into my driveway, it’s dark outside, with nothing more than a sliver of moonlight illuminating the front of my house. My parents didn’t even bother to leave the light on.

I blink a few times to clear my vision and get out of my Mustang, a late sixties Fastback my grandfather had left to me in his will. I was born into a family with old money, the car being one of the many toys I had inherited from Grandpa Joe along with a sizable trust fund. They say money can’t buy happiness. I know that more than anyone. Because even money cannot erase the parts of life I want to forget.

Leaning against the door, I stare up at the old Colonial I moved into last year with my parents. After what had happened back in Boston, they forced me to leave my friends and relocate to Lower Merion Township, an upscale area just outside Philadelphia.

My best friend and teammate, Will Roman, and his oh, so tempting little sister, Mia, help me get through the days. She’s my precious little lamb. The one girl who sees all the darkness in me and welcomes it. She doesn’t judge me. And I never have to hide from her.

For once, the light isn’t on in my father’s office, yet he’s home. That’s a first. He must have drunk himself to sleep. I can only hope. When the house is still, I like to sneak in through the back door to avoid my dad. He hates me for all the trouble I have caused. I know he wishes I had taken Erik’s place.

I have trouble keeping my eyes open, the weight of my day and everything that came along with it hitting me at once. As I cut through the hole in the bushes and into my backyard, I glance over at the Romans house. It has the same brick front and painted shutters as mine, only a little more worn down. I look up at the top floor to find Mia sitting on her windowsill. She smiles, her mouth open so wide that it reaches up to her pretty blue eyes, revealing a perfect set of white teeth.

A girl this sweet should not go anywhere near monsters like me. If I were her brother, I would keep me as far away from Mia as possible. But Will has no idea how much Mia means to me. He never will.

I stop dead in my tracks and turn to face her, my vision slightly blurry as I look at her. She gives me a tiny wave that I return, before she tilts her head toward the shed in the backyard. Most nights, I meet Mia on the swing set on the opposite side of the shed. It’s sort of our own little retreat from the world. If only I had the nerve to tell her everything. But I fear she will grow to hate me, just like everyone else does, and I can’t have that.

I nod in acknowledgment to communicate that I will meet her later. She has to wait until Will falls asleep before she can sneak out. I wave one more time, with the promise to see her, and remove my cell phone from my pocket. Using the light from the screen, I jam my key inside the lock and push my shoulder into the door. The damn thing sticks when it’s hot outside, making it harder to avoid my parents.

Luckily, the lights are off in the kitchen, so I creep through the darkness and head toward the stairs. I left my hockey bag in the trunk to avoid making any unnecessary noise. Drawing attention to myself in this house only gets me in a world full of trouble. For the most part, my dad is harmless. He mostly yells and screams, taking out his frustration over the past on me. I allow him to dig into me. Because I deserve every bit of his anger.

I climb the steps, thankful to make it to the third floor without getting hassled. But my small victory is short-lived. When I push I open my bedroom door, my dad is sitting on my bed with a wooden box in his hand. Carved by hand, from bark my grandfather had at his cabin, the box holds all my secrets. Memories of Grandpa Joe and Erik, old family photos of happier times, and the one thing I never wanted him to find.

Hidden deep beneath the velvet lining is my biggest secret, one that my father now knows. Why else would he be here?

My dad sighs when he hears my footsteps, slowly glancing up at me with tears in his eyes. His face looks puffy, as if he’s been crying for a while.

“So, this is the reason?” He holds the box out for me to take, and I do, stealing it away from him in a hurry.

I flip open the top and sift through the contents. “Give it back,” I yell.

He shakes his head. “You are leaving. I want you out of my house and out of my life.”

Reeking of bourbon and cigars, he gets up from the mattress and stands in front of me. Even with my height and build, he still has age and power over me. Sometimes, I fight him. Other times, I let him take out his aggression on me. Because I deserve it. All of it. Every last drop he has left to give.

My lip curls upward in anger. “I am not going anywhere.”

“Yes, you are, Ethan. I don’t want to hear another word. Your grandmother is expecting you. So is Whitmore.”

The mention of Whitmore makes me cringe. I am not fucking going there.

“I’m eighteen now. You can’t make me do anything.”

He tilts his head back and laughs. “Oh, yes I can. Your grandfather put a provision in your trust. I am in charge of it until you are twenty-one. I would like to see how far you get without a cent from me.”

I shrug. “Then, I’ll ask Grams.”

“Think again. She won’t budge and neither will I.”

“Then I’ll get a job.” I come face-to-face with him, so close that our noses are almost touching. “I don’t need you or your money.”

“Maybe not, but you need my connections. One phone call is all it would take to ruin your professional career. Do you want that? Because I can take away everything you have ever wanted in the blink of an eye.”

He doesn’t need to say it aloud, but I know what else he’s thinking. Just like I took everything from him.

“No,” I mutter, the word a whisper on my lips.

No matter how smart I think I am, he’s always one step ahead of me. He knows better.

“I’m supposed to go to Strickland with Will. Coach is waiting for us to start in the fall.”

He shoves his hands in his pockets and steps back so that he can look into my eyes. “Not anymore. I called the school and declined your acceptance. Your coach was disappointed that you wouldn’t be joining Will, but you have more important things to worry about. Get some help, Ethan. You need it.”

I do need help. But I hate to admit that my father is right. For once, he’s calm, instead of the usual belligerent mess I have grown accustomed to over the last two years. All my bad qualities I get from him. We are alike in so many ways, yet we act though we have nothing in common. I am not Erik. I never will be. That’s all that matters to him.

He shakes his head at me one last time, disappointment and disgust registering most when he looks at the box in my hands. “You are going. End of discussion. Have your bags packed and ready. You leave right after your graduation party.”

I consider running away, but how far would I get without money? My car would run out of gas before I made it one state over if that. With my only real friends next door, I could live with the Romans. But I don’t want them to know about my old life. I keep that shit locked away, just like the secrets I bury in this box.

After my dad leaves my room, I sit on my bed and glance out the window. Mia’s bedroom faces mine. I remember the first time I saw her as if it were yesterday. She was singing into a hairbrush, wearing nothing more than a yellow bikini with white polka dots. She’s so innocent and pure, with her pale skin and blonde hair that’s almost white, hence why she’s my little lamb.

Now, I have to break her heart along with mine. I have to say goodbye.