“Missing! Where in the World is Z McCartney?”
~Entertainment Daily~
Chapter Four
Aubrey
Reaching room number twelve, I knocked lightly, glancing at the name on my chart. “I’m here for morning rounds, Mr. Carpenter,” I said through the door.
“Come in,” a slightly gruff voice said.
Turning the knob, I entered, balancing the items I was carrying in my other hand. “Good morning, Mr. Carp—”
A small shriek escaped my lips as I stared at the man in front of me and everything I was holding clattered to the floor. Eyes widening, I covered my mouth, as shock flooded my system and I backed away.
In a flash he moved, zipping behind me and shutting the door. “Aubrey, please let me explain.” His words came out in a rush as he stared at me.
“You’re here. How are you here? How is this possible?” Tears came, unbidden, as I took in the extremely handsome man in front of me. He’d been a boy the last time I’d seen him in person, but there was no doubt he was a man now.
My traitorous body instantly reacted to being in the same room with him, just like it had in high school. Everything felt heightened and on the verge of exploding. I’d never expected to see him again—ever. I’d made my peace with it. Yet, here he was.
Unspeaking, he simply continued to stare at me, a thirsty look filling his incredible blue eyes, the same blue eyes that had hypnotized me every second I’d ever spent with him.
Stop! I yelled, mentally. You can’t let him affect you like this again! Pull yourself together! Steeling myself I dropped my hands. “What are you doing here?” I said, more forcefully.
A soft chuckle escaped him, and the action drew my attention to his very well formed chest that was aptly highlighted in the V-neck t-shirt he was wearing. From there I drifted to his large biceps, noting he had tattoos that didn’t used to be there. “Isn’t it obvious,” he said, redirecting my focus back to his gorgeous face and his full lips—lips that used to kiss me for hours at a time. I wondered how many other women besides me had had the pleasure of his kiss now. “I seem to have discovered I have a little drug problem.”
It wasn’t until then that I actually noticed how much he was shaking. Seeing that shocked me back into my routine. “Oh my gosh! I’m so sorry. You need your meds!”
Glancing at the floor, I saw the pills scattered across the papers from his file.
“Let me go get you some fresh ones real quick,” I added, bending to pick up what I’d dropped and trying to scoop up the papers.
“Aubrey.” My name was soft on his lips as he crouched beside me, reaching out and stilling my hands with his own. Heat streaked through me instantly at the contact. “These pills are fine.” Carefully, he pried my fingers open and took the medication, popping it quickly into his mouth. Eyes never leaving me, it was as if a thousand questions were in his eyes. “I’m sorry I shocked you, but damn girl, it’s great to see you again.”
I couldn’t stand sitting here pretending we both weren’t ignoring the giant elephant in the room. Unable to hold it back anymore, I burst into tears. “You left me.” The nagging residual pain I felt every time I thought of him was back in full strength. Everything felt fresh, as if simply seeing him in this moment had torn my heart completely open again.
Regret filled his features. “I know. I’m so sorry. Come on. Leave this stuff and come sit on the bed.” Offering his hand, he helped me up and I let him guide me to the bed, my mind a swirling mess of confusion. I didn’t know how to process this, and while I’d imagined him reappearing in my life on many occasions, this was certainly one scenario that had never crossed my mind.
Sitting, I placed my hands in my lap and stared at the wall, unable to look at him for too long. It brought up too many emotions for me. “I never thought I'd see you again.”
A muscle ticked in his jaw. “I don’t know what to say.”
“You hurt me, Zane.” I glanced at him, wanting him to see the pain in my eyes. “I’ve never been so hurt in my life.” I used to dream of having the opportunity to tell him exactly how bad he’d hurt me. Now he was here, and I wasn’t going to miss my chance while I had it.
“Why didn’t you tell me you were here?” he asked, and I was surprised to see the emotion in his eyes mirroring my own.
I snorted, feeling ill. “I tried. You were too preoccupied to notice.”
“What do you mean?” He sounded confused.
Standing, I had to move away from him. I needed space. When he was so close it made it hard to think. “I came to see you, Zane. I missed you terribly and wanted to be with you, so I packed up all my bags, my tiny bit of savings, and came to Los Angeles.”
Memories and images I’d tried to bury for years were burned into my mind, but instead of shoving them away like usual, I embraced them, ready to wield them like the true weapons they were. “Imagine my surprise when I went to my boyfriend’s apartment building and found him having a private little pool party with not one girl but three. You seemed to be having a pretty great time, if all the grunting and moaning you were doing was any indication.”
“Fuck,” he muttered, dragging his hand through his messy light brown hair and even that simple gesture looked sexier than anything I’d seen in the last ten years. I hated how my body reacted to him, as if no time had passed at all. It would be so easy to just fall back into those arms and join the rest of the world in worshipping at the altar that was Zane McCartney. Glancing back at me, his eyes penetrated mine, seeming as if he could see right inside me. “You should’ve told me you came.”
“Yeah, I can see that conversation now. 'Hey Zane, I dropped by earlier but you were busy fucking the neighborhood, so I figured I’d just let you know I was in town.'” Sarcasm dripped heavily from my voice, but I didn’t care. I was bitter. “I’m sorry, but I deserved better from you. As of that moment I realized whatever we had together ceased to exist.”
“I don’t know what to say.” He seemed lost, forlorn, and I hated it. I didn’t want to comfort him or ease anything for him. I wanted him to feel every second of pain and sorrow he’d caused me. I wanted him to feel terrible.
“You don’t need to say anything. You made your choice loud and clear. I never heard from you again after that either, so I guess everything you told me before that was just a lie to get me to sleep with you before you left. You got what you wanted. That’s all that matters. I hope it made you happy.”
“Hey, now. I wasn’t that big of a jerk. I didn’t tell you anything to get you into bed. You know as well as me that I was in love with you. What happened between us . . . well, it was magical.”
“So magical that you immediately left me to come be a star in Hollywood and promptly forgot all about me?” Bitterness laced my words, ten years of suffering boiling to the surface. I sank into one of the chairs at the table.
“You’re wrong. I’ve never forgotten about you, Aubrey. I couldn’t even if I wanted to.” Standing, he walked over toward the window, staring at the closed blinds with his arms folded. “Trust me, I tried.”
“You sure have a funny way of showing it.”
Absently, he rubbed at his chest, his expression pained. “Things were crazy back then. I was thrown into the middle of this insane lifestyle and all these things were coming at me full speed. It was so different from growing up in Montana. I loved it, though. I wanted to do everything, be a part of all of it.”
Head drooping, he stared at his feet. “My modeling agent took me to a big party one night, not long after I got here. There was all this alcohol, and the drugs . . . I couldn’t believe how open and free everyone was with them. I didn’t use anything back then, substance wise, except for alcohol and the occasional joint.” Pausing, he stared at me for a moment before lifting his hands and letting them fall again, helplessly. Sighing heavily, he continued on, and as much as I didn’t want to hear it, I couldn’t bring myself to walk away.
“I got pretty plastered that night. When I woke up in the morning, I was in bed with some girl who slightly resembled you. I’m sure that was how I ended up hooking up with her in the first place. I’d been missing you so badly.”
I hated that girl, whoever she was. She’d stolen my future from me, and I’d hate her for the rest of my life.
He stared at me apologetically. “After that, I was too damn chicken to face you again. I figured you were lost to me forever, and you’d never forgive me. Judging from your reaction to what you saw, I think I pinned my guess correctly.”
“You didn’t even try, Zane!” I snapped, all my anger coming to the surface. “You never even gave me the opportunity to see if we could work it out!”
“Neither did you,” he responded, and the realization struck me hard. Had I been standing, I would’ve staggered with the blow.
I needed to get out of here before I lost it right in front of him. “You’re right. I guess it wasn’t meant to be then, was it?” Woodenly, I moved to the scattered papers on the floor and began gathering them. “Don’t worry. I’ll make sure to have Angie in staffing assign you a new nurse. You won’t have to deal with me again and you can get back to your life as soon as you leave here. I won’t give you any interference.”
“No!” The word was spoken so forcefully that it caused me to pause and look up at him. He was crazy if he thought I was sticking around. “You don’t understand. I came here because you were here. You were assigned to me because I asked for you.”
How had he even known I worked here? Had he been keeping tabs on me, and if he had, why not come forward sooner? “Why? Why would you do something like that? It’s totally against the rules for me to treat you. It’s unethical.” I stood, determined to leave.
Moving swiftly, he grabbed me by the shoulders tightly, his eyes blazing. “I need you, Aubrey. I’m messed up. I know you probably hate me and I’ve fucked up in the worst way possible when it comes to you, but I’m just asking you to give me the benefit of the doubt. Can you just hear me out?”
I shook my head vehemently. “I . . . I can’t. I’ve worked too hard to leave you in my past. I need to keep you there.”
His fingers tightened on me. “Please. Isn’t this therapy thing about healing? You’re crucial to my healing. I even told everyone I’d only agree to this forced rehab if you were my nurse.” Abruptly, he released me. “So, if you leave, so do I.”
“It doesn’t work that way.” I stubbornly clenched my jaw, irritation continuing to eat at me.
“I don’t care how it works. I’m asking you to stay and give me a chance.”
Eyes widening, I stared incredulously at him. “Give you a chance at what? You can’t have a relationship while you’re doing the program. Relationships are strictly forbidden. Patients are encouraged to not even date for a year while they concentrate on becoming stronger in their recovery.”
Rolling his eyes, he shook his head. “I don’t give a shit about all that.”
“Well, I do! This is my job and I’ve seen lots of people get better by successfully working the program. I’d never knowingly jeopardize that for a patient. Even if that patient is you!”
Growling, he turned and walked back toward the window, rubbing his hands over his face. I took the opportunity to finish gathering my papers, and carried them to the table so I could sort through them. Taking my time reorganizing them, I tried to gather some composure before facing him again. When I finally did, it was to find he was simply standing there, watching me.
“You really hate me, don’t you?” he asked, sounding stunned.
For the life of me, I couldn’t figure out why he seemed surprised. I chose to ignore his question, using my job as a shield against him. “Since I’m already here, I need to get your vitals and do my evaluation with you. Can you have a seat so I can check your pulse and blood pressure?”
He shook his head. “You won’t get an accurate reading.”
“And why is that?” My patience with him was running thin.
Moving, he stood in front of me, so close we were but a hair's breadth apart, but wisely, he didn’t touch me. “Because my heart is racing like the wind. Having you in the same room with me tends to do that. I swear it’s like we’ve never even been separated. I think that says a lot about us. Don’t you?”
My breath caught for a moment, his words finding their way into the soft spot in my heart. Immediately, I reinforced my barriers to Level Impenetrable. “I’m not falling for your sweet talk ever again, Zane McCartney. You hear me? That ship has long sailed, so you can just forget it.”
An uncomfortable silence stretched between us as we eyed one another.
“Fine,” he finally relented. “Then if there is nothing between us anymore, then there’s no reason you can’t be my nurse, is there?” Sitting on the bed, he held his arm out so I could check him. “Do whatever you need.”
Relief and sorrow both flowed through me. While I was thankful he wasn’t going to press me any further, I was sad that he seemed to give up so easily. It only served to reinforce my earlier conclusions of him. Yes, Zane McCartney was more handsome than sin, and he could talk any girl right into his sheets, but he was cold hearted. I couldn’t let him get to me again.
Searching for his pulse, the heat from his skin seeped into me as my fingers brushed lightly against him. He was right about one thing. It was slightly elevated, but that could easily be from withdrawal symptoms.
“Can you tell me what kinds of substances you’ve been using?” I asked, jotting his pulse rate down. His drug use history was already written in his chart, but as part of my assessment I had to ask again and look for any discrepancies with what he told the doctor during his evaluation last night.
“You name it, I’ve probably tried it at one time or another.” His voice almost sounded dead and uncaring, totally blasé.
I placed the blood pressure cuff on his arm and started inflating it, taking a slightly perverse pleasure at cranking it up so tight that it caused him to wince. Feeling guilty for doing so, I immediately released it, listening for the rhythm.
“130 over 90,” I said aloud as I noted it in the chart.
“That’s high for me.”
“It’s to be expected with what your body is going through. How are you feeling this morning otherwise?” It was taking everything I had to keep this semi-civil conversation going.
He shrugged. “I’ll be fine.”
Sighing, I stared at him. “I’m not asking for the macho, I’m-a-tough-guy answer. I’m asking for in depth explanations as one of your healthcare providers.”
“Sorry. It’s hard for me to show you my weaknesses.” His eyes locked with mine and I saw he was telling the truth. Even after all these years, I was surprised at how easily I could read him.
Bitterness crept back into my voice. “I’ve seen all your weaknesses splattered on the front of every tabloid magazine on every newsstand in town for the last ten years.” Honestly, standing in line at the grocery store was almost unbearable. Pictures of Zane were constantly in my face, and he was usually on the arm of some stunning starlet. It was enough to drive an ex-girlfriend mad.
“Touché,” he replied, his eyes drifting over me from head to toe and I didn’t miss the spark of desire in them. “That couldn’t have been easy on you.”
“It’s been pretty awful.”
His eyes filled with wonder now. “I can’t believe you’ve been in LA all this time.”
“I didn’t have anywhere else to go.” That was more than I wanted to say. I needed to get out of this room as fast as possible.
“What do you mean?” he asked, concern written on his features. “Was something wrong?”
I couldn’t help my wry laughter. “It’s okay, Zane. It happened ten years ago. I obviously survived and I didn’t need you to do it.”
A small grunt escaped him. “You never needed me, Aubrey. I was the one who needed you.”
His words pierced like an arrow through my armor, sinking deep into my soft, tender heart, wounding me to the core. Tears immediately flooded my eyes and I suddenly felt light headed. I struggled to lift my barriers against him, wanting to continue lashing out at him. I was so angry with him for throwing everything we’d had together away. It was more than I could bear. “Then you should’ve done a better job of showing it.”
Gathering his chart and the cuff, I headed for the door, placing my hand on the knob.
“Please don’t leave me,” he said, his voice raw and full of emotion and I faltered for a mere moment before stepping out and shutting the door firmly behind me.