A couple days after our date, I stood on stage in front of a crowd ready for tonight's show. A couple into exhibitionism had made special arrangements for the evening. She was tied to a pommel horse while her husband warmed up her flesh with a paddle. The sound of smacking flesh was heard over the din of the crowd, as they chatted like they were standing and waiting for a performance art show to start.

It was my turn to be on the floor tonight. The smells of leather, oils, and the hint of sweat filled the air. I tried to keep this place as clean, but not antiseptic as possible. The health of my guests was my top priority.

I enjoyed this part of the job, but it still made me antsy to be so far away from my monitors. We hadn't had an incident in weeks, though, so I was less anxious than I usually was. The worst part of working the floor, was wearing my work outfit. Ha! If only my mom could see me, actually she had. To my total embarrassment, she'd come to visit the club, wanting to see what I was up to in New York.

As I walked from room to room, everyone who worked for me shifted from casually overlooking the room to laser-sharp focus. I run a tight ship. I only keep the best people, and I make sure everyone has learned everything they need to so that our guests have an enjoyable stay.

I walked past a room where a couple looked ready to try out some of the floggers. The woman was standing against the wall, holding onto one of the restraints. They were new. Only been members for less than a few weeks and they hadn't visited much. Sometimes new people were just new to the area, but from their questionnaire I remembered they were new to everything. And they hadn't been to any of the classes we held here. Everything looked in order until I saw the way the guy was holding the flogger. The flicks of his wrist as he tried to get it to unfurl. Alarm bells were going off in my head and I stepped into the room.

I glanced up at the security on the catwalk above and gritted my teeth. I stepped into the room and stepped between him and her.

"Hi, I'm Frankie, the owner, and I wanted to welcome you to Ace's. I like to come in and see if our guests have any questions during their first visits to the club. I see you've got a flogger. It's certainly one of my favorites. Do you mind if I give it a few flicks, just to see if I still have it?"

He nodded dumbly and handed it over to me. His wife let go of the restraints and turned around.

"I still remember the first time I tried to use this. The key to doing it right is making sure your wrist is relaxed enough and you're not throwing your whole arm with it or you could really hurt someone. I made so many silly mistakes in the beginning."

They both stood beside me as I went through the motions, trying to show them exactly what to do so they didn't end up maiming one another. I let them both try a few times until it looked like they got a handle on it.

"And we have a list of classes here as well as a list of classes all over the city you can try out if you'd like to learn more," I said, excusing myself from the room.

By the end of my shift, my feet were an achy mess. I hated wearing the heels. Flip flops, high tops, slippers or barefoot are what I preferred. I unlaced the leather corset and unzipped my thigh high boots, putting everything away in the closet. My sweatshirt and jeans were much more enjoyable. As I slipped on my comfy dinosaur slippers, I fired up my computer.

There was a blinking mail icon. I clicked on it and went through the few different messages there. A few couples who'd moved away sent messages saying how much they missed the club and they learned so much. A few others were excited about the classes we had coming up or the ones they'd attended in the past. I clicked over to the unofficial blog for Ace's. I tried to put up as much info as I could on the site.

Everything from which new vibrator had come onto the market and blown away the competition to instructional posts about how to do things the right way. One thing I focused a lot on was rope bandage. There were a lot of things that could go wrong with it, so easily. I rubbed my wrists under my leather cuff. But I made sure people knew which ropes were best, knotting techniques and first and foremost all the safety information they needed.

A new message came in just as I was about to close the computer. 'THANK YOU' big and bold in the subject line. I got quite a few of those. I opened it.

Madam Frankie,

I wanted to let you know just how important your blog has been to my life. I'd always been interested in the bondage scene, but a terrible experience when I was younger made me so afraid, I thought I'd never be able to explore that side of myself.

My stomach dropped as I read through her message. It hit so close to home that it stole my breath away.

Once I found your blog, I decided to try again with my new partner. He's wonderful and understanding and he wants to do things the right way. Your blog posts helped us figure out everything we needed to. I've finally felt free enough to let him do things to me that I never would have dared before. So thank you and here's a little picture of just what you've been able to inspire. Sorry if it's TMI!

Signed, a Grateful Guest

Attached was a picture that hit me with a punch of longing I hadn't felt in a long time. She was on her knees with bright red ropes creating a crisscrossing corset around her body. The knots and twists of the rope contrasted with her skin. She glanced over her shoulder in the picture with a huge smile on her face. It was messages like these that made it all worth it.

She'd had a bad experience and got back on the horse. Found someone she trusted enough to explore something she'd always wanted. I envied her that. There were so many thoughts that ran through my head when I was out on the floor. I appreciated the chances people took, even in a controlled environment. That Ace's was the first experience a lot of people had with the scene made me jealous. I wondered how things would have turned out for me, if there'd been a place like this for me.

My instant messenger on my computer pinged.

Sasha: Still in your dungeon?

Me: Ha, yes of course.

Sasha: I can't believe you're only just now telling me you own a sex club. I mean, really? How long have we known each other?

Me: Over ten years

Sasha: And you never thought to bring it up?

Me: I've only owned it for three years

Sasha: And the words, hey Sasha, guess what? I just bought a sex club never crossed your mind.

Me: Not really

Sasha: You're the worst

Me: Don't make me regret telling you

Sasha: How's John?

The gear switch threw me for a loop. I'd told Sasha about the club partially to divert attention away from John when we'd spoken a while ago.

Me: He's fine...

Sasha: I can't believe you cancelled on him for no good reason

Me: Who says I had no good reason

Sasha: Me. I saw you online running a campaign. You think I don't know all your online aliases by now.

Me: It was a good game. I maintained my top score and picked up a few new tokens

Sasha: You need to stop worrying about tokens and start worrying about how you're going to handle Date No. 2 tonight. What are you going to eat? I could go for a steak right now. I'm starving. It's tonight, right?

My stomach dropped as I turned on my phone. I always required everyone to keep their phones off during their shift. It connected to the network and I relaxed. No alerts. And then the panic set in as the missed call alert and texts rolled in.

John: Afternoon, I wanted to make sure we were still on for tonight.

John: Hey, checking in. I have reservations at a place downtown and then I thought we could head over to the park. What do you think?

The panic ebbed away and was replaced by something worse. Dread. The cold tendrils of it were wrapped around my wrists, keeping me from moving for a while. I shouldn't have agreed to these dates. They were a bad idea. We'd had sex. My stomach dropped. Maybe he thought this was expected since he'd been my first. Like he needed to give me a few dates, so I didn't feel bad about it or something.

Me: Hi John, work was really a mess tonight and I'm rocking a major headache right now. I know I suck and I'm so sorry about this.

I said the words out loud as I typed them as if that made it better.

Sasha: It is tonight, right?

Me: It was. I just cancelled.

I got an angry emoji face in reply.

Sasha: If you keep doing this, I'm going to come over there and lock you two in a room together. Don't think I won't do it.

Me: I'll definitely go on the next one.

Sasha: You'd better.

I logged off and left the club feeling like absolute shit. If I kept canceling on John he'd stop asking. That's what I wanted, right? I wanted to have the wedding weekend be the wedding weekend and leave it at that. The drive back to my house was in absolute silence. No music, no nothing. The guilt of cancelling ate away at me.

We'd said we had a truce. I had so much fun with him at the wedding. Even the drive out to the hotel had been great. Just sitting down together and talking. I hadn't had that with anyone in person in a long time. I hadn't realized how closed off I'd been. That first date had me floating on air for days afterward. And freaked me the hell out.

It was so easy with him. Like we fit together and could relax, when he didn’t have me ready to peel his clothes off with my teeth, that is. He threw me off balance in a way I hadn’t experienced before. A way I hadn’t let myself experience. I like things to go a certain way, and his complications made me forget myself. Scared me, because after one night together and one date I was ready to jump in with both feet with him. If he was doing this for some shitty reason like back in school, I couldn’t do that to myself. So I’d keep putting it off until the problem solved itself or blew up in my face. Seemed reasonable, right?

When I got home, I checked my phone and there wasn't a reply from John. I sent him a message.

Me: Raincheck?

Still nothing. I sat, turned on the TV, and waited for a reply.

Was this the last straw? Had I irrevocably fucked this up?