When John showed up on my doorstep with a Romano's pizza, I'd sworn it was a mirage. Part of that was due to the very vivid images of him that had been running through my head as I'd gotten reacquainted with my showerhead moments before he arrived. But the pizza became my sole focus until we'd both inhaled our fair share.

The flirty fun of sitting on the couch with him was how I'd imagined things would be between us. Pajama pants and an old t-shirt and John sitting beside me looking as delicious as ever. I couldn’t think of a better night in after working all day. If you'd told me that a month ago, I'd have said you were insane.

But filling him in on all the backstory of my favorite shows, while he asked question after question with my stomach filled with delicious pizza was probably the closest thing I'd had to a perfect day in a long time. That date had thrown me off-kilter. The big show freaked me out. I had fun, but I wasn’t that woman. I wasn’t the one at the wedding or the dance. What happened when he saw me like I really was most of the time? That was part of the reason I bailed. But this...this was something I could get used to.

When I reached for the remote, landing solidly against his chest, something shifted in the room. The air electrified as the mood shifted from fun playfulness to something else. A hot wave of lust rushed through the room, and my heart hammered in my chest as I stared into his eyes. It scared me how much I wanted him. How much the distance I'd been trying to put between us did nothing to quell the hot, achy feeling that went from a gentle simmer to an inferno in a matter of seconds.

"Did you want something else to eat?"

"Hell, yeah," he growled. "There's something I've been dying to taste for a long time..."

The growl was the only warning before I was flat on my back, staring up at John as he ran his hands up under my shirt.

"You're beautiful," he said above me as he ran his hands down the side of my face. I let out a stuttering breath and let my knees fall apart, so he could settle in against me. His cock pressed against me through his jeans. He covered me with his body, pressing himself into me as he ran his hand along the back of my neck and attacked my mouth.

He pushed his tongue into my mouth, demanding entrance, and I was happy to surrender. I breathed him in and met him lick for lick, nip for nip. He moved his hand into my hair, tugging on the roots, just enough to let me know he had a hold on me, and I sunk deeper into his kiss.

His other hand was up and under my bra teasing my breasts, and suddenly it wasn't enough. My hands were in his hair, tugging on his roots. Making out and fooling around on the couch was fun, but I needed him. He broke his hold on my mouth and stared back at me, his eyes aflame with desire the depths of which scared me a little. It made my heart skip a beat.

"I've got you," he said, running his hands under my body and picking me up off the couch. I wrapped my arms and legs around him. My hands exploring his muscled back as he climbed the stairs

"Where?" he asked at the top of the stairs.

I pointed to the open door and he charged into the room, dropping me onto the bed and lifting my shirt up and over my head. My hair fell out of my messy bun. I flipped it out of my face, just in time for him to slide his hands under the waistband of my pajama bottoms and fling them across the room.

A flash of hesitation ran through me as I glanced down at my legs, but it was gone in an instant when he sank to his knees at the foot of the bed and hooked my legs over his shoulders. I pushed myself up on my elbows as he glanced up at me before burying his face in my pussy and yelped. His tongue painted its way across my flesh, making me sink my fingers into the quilt on my bed.

He feasted on me, and I cried out as he sucked on my clit. My legs trembled, and I was close to the edge when he stopped. Any reservations I'd had about this flew out the window the minute he got me to the razor's edge of an orgasm that paled in comparison to the one he'd interrupted with his arrival.

I mewled and he climbed up on the bed, his rough jeans rubbing against my naked legs. He threaded his fingers into my hair and tilted my head, giving him access to my neck. I didn't mind him controlling the kiss. I liked it. I liked that he seemed to know my body even better than I did after such a short time. He nipped a spot at the base of my neck that made me tremble. I was trying to get his shirt off when he whispered in my ear. I was in desperate need of him inside me. Right that very minute.

"I've been reading your blog. I'm just sad I don't have any of my rope to give you an even better experience from me. If you have some, I'm sure we could figure something out." He nuzzled my ear, and my body went stock straight. Every muscle in my body went rigid and it was like an anvil had been dropped on me.

I pushed against his chest, my hands and fingers going numb as I struggled to breathe.

"John," I said, pushing harder as he grazed his teeth along my shoulder. "John, stop." I scrambled out from under him. He stopped and looked at me, his eyebrows knitted together.

"What's wrong?"

I rolled off the bed and ran into my closet like a ghost was after me. It was. The ghost of nightmares past. The phantom pain was back in my wrists as I threw open a drawer and pulled out a long-sleeved t-shirt.

The terror and panic of being trapped. The sawing burning pain as I tried to break free. The ropes tightening and cutting so deep that it stole my breath away. The numbness as my arms and legs fell asleep. Raw, aching in my throat that was clogged with tears. The look in his eyes as he realized he'd fucked up and then panic when I realized he was going to leave me there to struggle and free myself on my own.

When I finally composed myself and put on a new pair of pajamas, I expected to come back to an empty bedroom. Instead, John sat on the edge of my bed staring at the doorway to the closet. He startled me and stood, crossing the space between us. He didn't touch me, but I could still feel him.

"Are you okay?" he asked, trying to get me to look at him.

I swallowed past the lump in my throat. He hadn't left. Relief and fear washed over me. I was so screwed up. He didn’t deserve this. "I'm fine. Sorry for freaking out on you."

"Don't ever apologize for anything you don't want to do. I'm sorry I brought it up."

"No, don't be sorry. I...it's stupid, and I shouldn't be this wrapped up in the past."

He took my hand in his and put it on his chest. "Does what happened have anything to do with these?" he asked, pushing up the sleeves of my shirt. I ducked my head and nodded, blinking back the tears that threatened to wreck what little grasp I’d managed to gain on my composure.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked, running his hand over the back of mine. His voice, full of concern, which made me feel like even more of an idiot.

"Do you want some ice cream? I have ice cream in the freezer. At least six types." I glanced past him to the door and tried to disengage myself from his hold. Ice cream solved everything, right? He froze for a second before letting me go. He opened his mouth like he was going to say something and then nodded.

"Sure, I'd love some," he said, not letting me run away, but taking my hand in his and threading his fingers through mine. The nervousness coursed through me as we walked back downstairs.

He grabbed a seat at the kitchen counter and I pulled out every tub of ice cream in the freezer. I was wrong, there were twelve types. I served him up a scoop of butter pecan, coffee, and mint chocolate chip, while I stuck to vanilla bean, coffee, and cookie dough.

We ate in silence for a while, and I felt worse by the second. The evening was ruined because of old hang-ups and disasters. He seemed deep in thought and had a grim set to his lips.

"Are you mad? I'm really sorry." I leaned over the counter and covered his hand with mine. He reversed the hold and ran his fingers over my hand and then down to my wrist. I didn't flinch. I didn't snatch them away.

"It's really okay. I'm not mad. These things take time. They take trust. We'll get there."

Relief flooded me. I'd been putting him off and running away, and here he was saying we'd get there. He hadn't written me off. I'd been trying to deny how much I liked him, but not anymore.

"About our date?" he asked, smiling.

"What about it?" I asked, sliding another spoonful of creamy ice cream into my mouth.

"I'm thinking it's got to be big, right? Since something seemed to always get in the way of the others." He gave me a pointed playful glance. "Maybe if I make it big enough, a certain someone will be so overcome with guilt, she'll actually show up."

I laughed. "I have a feeling this certain someone will show up for this date no matter what you have planned."

"I was thinking fire breathers, maybe a harbor cruise, some fireworks, balloon animals, swimming with the sharks. And that's not even including dinner."

I choked on my ice cream.

"Balloon animals?"

"Really? Out of that entire list, the one that tripped you up is balloon animals? What's wrong with balloon animals?"

"They're usually pretty basic, right? Sword. Flower. Dog."

"It seems you haven't found the right guy to show you the whole new world of balloon art. It's definitely on the list now."

"Are you serious?" I laughed, covering my mouth full of ice cream.

"Completely," he said, leaning over the counter and kissing me on my nose.

We finished our ice cream, and John checked his phone.

"I should get going. It's been a long day, and I've got work tomorrow."

A pang of sadness I hadn't expected hit me as he got up and shrugged his coat on.

"Me too." I walked him to the door.

"I had a great time tonight during our not-date."

"I did, too."

He slid both hands along the sides of my face and kissed me so deeply I felt it in my feet. I lifted up on my toes and nearly toppled over as he finally broke the kiss.

"I'll see you at our date." He jogged down the front steps and hopped into his car. I waved as he pulled away from the curb and stared at my wrists as he pulled into traffic and disappeared down the street.