Friday morning I’m sitting and staring blankly at my desk calendar when Ryan pokes his head in and says “Time’s up.”

“What?” I ask stupidly.

“You’ve been sitting there looking glum for an hour, and you still haven’t told me how dinner went.”

When I arrived, I simply swept past his desk, shaking my head. I knew there were things on my desk that couldn’t wait another minute, and I did not want to get into a weepfest and drop any more balls. Things are already bad enough.

“Dinner was fine.” I look up at him, try on a smile. I’m sure it looks ghastly.

“Wait a second,” he says, and leaves. I continue to stare at the desk calendar, very carefully not thinking about Kari and Mitch on a plane, Kari and Mitch checking into a hotel, Kari and Mitch sitting together while legions of adoring fans drift by and look at her and think about how lucky she is.

Ryan comes back with the box of tissues just in time. That last thought breaks me, and for the second time this week, I get mascara all over the front of my admin.

“I’m so sorry,” I say, between sobs. “Your poor sweater.”

“Don’t worry about the sweater,” he says. “Worry about me, when I have to explain it to my girlfriend.”

This makes me laugh through my tears, and I try to blot the mascara off his sweater, but I only succeed in spreading it around. I need to start buying more expensive mascara.

“Are you ready to talk about this yet?” he asks, sitting in one of the guest chairs. I take the other and stare vaguely at the wall behind him.

“I don’t even know where to start,” I say.

“Well, the beginning, I guess. How was dinner?”

“He’s dating Kari,” I say.

“Oh, so dinner was good.”

“Like, everything was fine, everything seemed to be going great.” I look at him. “I did everything you said.”

“My advice is usually pretty solid, but—”

“No, your advice wasn’t the problem.” I rub the back of my neck, which feels like it will never be relaxed again. “It was just too late, is all. That’s on me.”

“But….” He seems to hunt for something to say, and settles on: “Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I’m sure.”

I tell him about the phone call, and the weekend trip, and all of it. I manage not to cry again—because that whole thing is getting out of hand—and eventually I’ve spilled the whole story.

Ryan just looks at me for a moment, then shakes his head. “That sucks,” he says.

“Tell me something I don’t know.”

“I just—Wow.” He shakes his head again. “I did not see that coming.”

“Me neither,” I say. “And he’s supposed to call me on Tuesday and … do what? Tell me what a great weekend he had?”

Ryan shrugs a little. “If you have some kind of just friends thing going on, then yeah, probably. Maybe you should think about breaking that off, kind of get the constant reminder out of your life.”

“No,” I say, and I mean it with all my heart. The idea of simply not seeing him again? I don’t want to think about it. “We were friends before this stupid week, and I’ll figure out how we can keep being that—just that. And anyway, if he’s dating Kari, how exactly am I supposed to get him out of my life?”

He nods. “Yeah, I get that. But what are you going to do? Go to brunch with them every weekend and wish you were her? That’s not gonna be a lot of fun.”

“I’ll figure it out,” I say. “I don’t know what, but I’ll figure something out.”

“Also … not to be insulting, but is spending time with him a great idea, when you feel how you do? I mean….” He raises his eyebrows. “Shit happens.”

I have to look at him for a few seconds before I understand, and when it clicks I’m appalled. “Oh, my God. No, no way,” I say. “First of all, I would never. Not ever.”

“Okay.”

“And even if I would—which I would never—he wouldn’t.” I think back to that early phone conversation. “He’s been cheated on. He just … he absolutely wouldn’t.”

He looks skeptical. “People can surprise you.”

“No,” I say. “I know that as surely as I know the sun will come up tomorrow. He felt pretty strongly about it, and wasn’t shy about saying so. That’s … that’s just not even a concern.” I stand up and gesture at the door. “Now shoo, I’ve got work.”

But when he’s gone I sit in my chair with my head in my hands for what feels like a really long time. Finally, I grab my purse and jacket, tell Ryan I’m taking the rest of the day off, and go home. At least there I can change into sweatpants, and feel sorry for myself in comfort.

* * *

Saturday morning I sleep late. This takes superhuman effort, because I went to bed so early two nights running. I’m wide awake at seven o’clock, but I roll over, pull the covers over my head, and shut my eyes stubbornly until I drowse. I manage to pass a few more hours in this way, drifting in and out of a light sleep, feeling bad for myself.

I get up and eat, kick around till late afternoon, and then—God help me, I know better, I know no good can come of it—I decide maybe I’ll have a look on the internet and see how the Fan Club thing is going.

I know I shouldn’t do it but I can’t help myself. I dig up my laptop, which I hardly ever even use, bring it over to the coffee table and Google soap opera message boards. The first couple of results don’t yield much—some general posting about this being Fan Club Weekend, a couple of posts by people who’ve heard from friends who are attending. Most posts seem to be about the individual actor events. Nothing yet about Mitch, nothing about Kari.

Then I find SoapZone.com and hit what you could call pay dirt, only I don’t think pay dirt is supposed to feel like a knife in the heart.

The very first post on the Doctors and Nurses board is from a poster named “JessB,” and the subject line is “OMG YOU WILL NEVER GUESS WHO’S SITTING WITH MITCHELL COLE!”

Nice caps lock, JessB.

Almost unwillingly, I click on it.

I just got a call from LizInAlabama, she’s in line to see Mitchell Cole and you will NEVER guess who is sitting at his table with him. NYCParalegal! Liz has met her at other events, there’s no question it’s her. Liz said she’s still about 20 people back in line and anyway it’s not like she could grill NYCP right in front of him but NYCP looks out of her gourd with HAPPINESS. Has anyone heard from her directly? I’m dying to know what’s going on!! She didn’t even say she was going, did she??

Most of the replies are surprised people wondering how on earth this turn of events has come about. Only one person seems to have any more information, a poster named “JakeBella4Ever,” whose subject line is, She was at MJ’s event with him last night. I click on it.

MichaelBrendaFan called me last night right after Mark Jackman’s event, said Mitchell Cole brought some girl and no one knew who she was. MC went up on stage with MJ to auction off a script signed by both of them and while he was gone MBF went over to chat with this girl, and that’s when she told her she posts on SZ as NYCParalegal. I don’t know her very well, but the name stuck in my head. Was going to ask about her this morning but I got distracted by the hot scoopage coming out of Nancy’s event. (Go Brenda!)

Anyhoo, MBF said that NYCP said she’d known him for a few weeks, since right around the time he moved to Midnight Confessions, and that it had been a surprise to her that he invited her along, but no way was she going to say no. MBF pressed her as gently as she could to try to find out what’s up with them, but all NYCP would say is that they’d “gotten close.” That little tease! Then MC came back and wanted his chair (MBF said she about fell out of it when he spoke to her, that voice is even better in person than on screen), so she hightailed it back to her own table. She was with NancysMyGirl, who won that MC/MJ script, btw.

That’s all I know.

I read it through a second time, trying to get it all straight. Do these people speak entirely in acronyms or what?

Gotten close, eh? That’s one way to put it. How discreet of her.

I refresh the page and there’s a new post by JessB. “MORE ABOUT NYCP!”

Liz called back, she hasn’t talked to NYCP yet, but NYCP did see her in the line and wave. Liz said she was VERY chummy with MC, apparently she’s been sharing lunch with him, not exactly the most romantic scene, I guess, but it’s more than I’m doing sitting here in Pennsylvania too poor to go to FCW! LOL. And I guess it worked for Lady & the Tramp.

Several people pipe up to swoon about this. I refresh again and there’s another post from JessB. I’d say this girl needs a life, but who’s the one hanging on her every word, right? Yeah.

This one is titled “MC/NYCP!”

So Liz called again, I guess NYCP was working MC’s line, saying he was sorry everything was taking so long, he takes a really long time talking to every fan—I love this guy!—and so NYCP came down the line passing out 8x10s and telling everyone how glad MC was that they were there. Liz waylaid her for a minute and asked her what was going on and she said NYCP just smiled and said “Nothing, really, just couldn’t pass up a chance to go to FCW for free, right?” Then Liz said “Come on, you know what I want to know, girl,” and NYCP said “I’ll never tell,” and laughed and went off to pass out more headshots.

HOLY CRAP RIGHT?

Yeah, holy crap right? I go get myself a glass of water and drink it right there at the sink, trying to pull myself together. Then, like an idiot, I head back to the computer.

JessB’s newest post is “MORE NYCP!” I’m tired of JessB and her caps lock key. I click on the post anyway.

So Liz got up to the front of MC’s line, she said his voice is “like buttah,” and he was looking at NYCP like he might eat her up. Liz said “How come you never invited me to FCW, Mitch?” (Liz is hilarious!) and he said “You never asked, sweetheart.” Suh-WOON! Anyway, he laughed about it, but neither of them was giving out any details and Liz is too supercool to act like a freak about it, so that’s all I know. Has anyone else heard from anyone else about what’s up with these two? It’s so exciting!

Oh, yeah, very exciting. I know I’m on the edge of my seat.

I linger over the board for a bit longer, refreshing, but the conversation turns to other things and not much more is said about Mitch, just repeats of what was already said about Kari and a few people posting about whatever little conversations they had with him while getting their picture signed.

He’s universally adored by fans, that much I can see. Other actors are occasionally put down, said to be rushing fans, or pulling for one pairing when whoever is posting the information wants another pairing. One actor in particular seems universally reviled for “taking over” the show and “barging into every storyline.” But no one has one bad word to say about Mitch.

I run a search on the whole Doctors and Nurses message board for his name and find that when he left Doctors and Nurses, almost everyone was sad to see him go. Quite a few posters said they’d start watching Midnight Confessions to see him. And all this, after he told me he wasn’t playing one of the root-for guys.

Well, it should come as no surprise. He’s a wonderful man.

And now he’s Kari’s man.

Sunday, I mope some more, read SoapZone some more. I feel bad for judging JessB so harshly; she’s not always so heavy on the caps lock key. It was an exciting day, I guess.

SoapZone grows boring pretty quickly, though, since I don’t have any idea what anyone is talking about.

I’m off work Monday, but it’s not much of a holiday in this mood. It would be much better if I had anything to do or anyone to do it with. I stay away from SoapZone and try not to think about Mitch and Kari flying back together. I even watch Midnight Confessions, but I can’t make sense of any of the storylines because every time Mitch is on screen I feel like crying. He seems to be doing a good job, but what do I know?

Eventually he ends up in a clinch with someone—I assume the stepsister—and I turn the TV off in disgust. There’s no need for me to be watching that. I can get plenty of that in my own head, starring him and Kari.

My cell phone rings around dinner time; I ignore it. The house phone rings too, but whoever it is doesn’t leave a message.

It’s just as well. There’s no one I want to talk to right now.