I know.

I shouldn’t have done that.

That much is clear.

My problems were temporary, and I should’ve been able to fix them, had I been in a healthy state of mind.

I scan my bedroom.

Everything looks normal, just as it always has… except for my lifeless body, lying just a couple of feet away.

I should feel regret, now that I realize I was wrong. But as I dig deep within me, there’s nothing. No relief; no sadness. I’m completely devoid of emotions.

I marvel at my own composure as Gabe and Jackie pound on my bedroom door. I try to answer when they scream out my name, but they can’t hear me, no matter how loud I yell back.

But that’s okay.

It’s not a big deal, guys. I’m already dead and lying in a pool of my own blood. You can’t help me anyway.

I take a moment to appreciate how level-headed they are, even in the face of crisis. They’re calling the cops now.

It has now been more than 24 hours since they last saw me. They know I’m in here because the door is locked and they can hear my phone ringing, but obviously I haven’t responded to any of their panicked pleas. Normally, I would have.

Gradually, their screams get softer and their knocking, too. They stay just outside my door, Gabe telling Jackie everything’s okay. He’s a great guy, but he’s wrong about that.

The cops finally force open my door. They recoil in shock when they see my cold corpse. Before anyone can stop her, Jackie slips forward between the grown-ups. Her eyes widen in shock, and they quickly fill with tears.

“No,” Jackie says, her voice breaking. “No, no, no, no…”

She rushes to my side—my body’s side, I should clarify—but the cops hold her back.

“This is a potential crime scene, Miss,” one of the two men in uniform says as his partner comes forward, presumably to deliver first aid. It’s way too late for that now, buddy.

“But that’s my brother right there,” Jackie says between sobs.

“I’m a doctor,” Gabe says to the cop, who nods at him, giving him permission to approach.

As a medical intern, Gabe has seen some blood. But he’s probably never seen this much blood pouring out of someone he knows.

He takes nervous, hurried steps toward me—my body—and takes my pulse. Within seconds, his face falls. His Adam’s apple bobs up and down as he swallows. He makes eye contact with one of the cops and slowly shakes his head.

Jackie’s sobs turn into pitiful wails, and even Gabe is tearing up.

But still, I feel nothing.

It’s as if we’re all playing a game of poker and I’ve folded, so I don’t get to play anymore. I’m just an outsider. An observer. The outcome of the game doesn’t concern me now.

I recognize that I shouldn’t have used the gun—Gabe’s gun. That becomes crystal clear when my family starts to blame my suicide on him. I feel no remorse, but I understand now that it wasn’t fair or necessary to drag him into this.

Hell, if anything, my family should thank Gabe. Having him in my life had probably made life bearable for a little longer.

I’d been thinking about suicide for a long time. I would’ve done it eventually. Having Gabe’s gun in my hands did make it easier, but I could’ve sliced my wrists with a kitchen knife instead. Or jumped off a bridge. Or sat in the car with carbon monoxide slowly filling the enclosed space.

But what can I say?

I killed myself, so I wasn’t exactly thinking straight at the time.

Would I have done it if I knew things were going to turn out like this?

I don’t know. It doesn’t take long for me to forget what it feels like to be alive, to have emotions.

It’s hard to even imagine closing my eyes and going to sleep now. I’m awake all the time. I see everything.

Like a detached viewer of a reality TV show, I watch as my dad goes after Dr. Kent’s money, threatening to destroy his son’s reputation (and his own by proxy) by telling the media he’d been bullying and abusing me.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

Jackie knows, of course. Ever the sane one of the family, she tries to talk sense into them. But of course they don’t listen. She’s just a teenager.

Besides, my dad’s business—which used to thrive and had bought us this nice, big house—hasn’t been doing well lately.

On top of that, he’s come to hate my mom. He wants to leave her, but divorce costs money—money that Dr. Kent is able to supply.

So the divorce comes as no surprise. It’s almost as predictable as everyone in the family living off the settlement money from Dr. Kent, except for Jackie. Dad fucks off to who-knows-where, blowing his cash on booze and prostitutes.

And so, as if I’m watching one of Mom’s mind-numbing daytime reality TV shows, I observe the drama unfold.

I never would’ve expected Mom to react the way she does, though. Unlike Dad and Ray, she blames herself for being away so much, and she has mentally broken down.

She even has a fucking doll that she calls “Sam.” Maybe I wouldn’t have developed my own mental issues, had she treated me like she cares for this doll.

The other thing I never expected is Gabe and Jackie.

It makes sense, of course. She has always had a crush on him, and he has always cared for her.

I thought it wasn’t going to happen because of how much younger Jackie was compared to Gabe. But it didn’t occur to me that she’d find him again. I thought she’d grow out of her crush and find some other guy.

They’re happy together. Even I feel slight tingles when I see them laughing together. I hadn’t seen them laugh or even smile much since my suicide.

I thought the dust had finally settled. But now my action from eight years ago is hurting the people I love—again.

I’m depriving my two favorite people in the whole world of the one thing they really want. I’m tearing them apart, turning their love story into a nightmare.

Still, I’m rooting for Gabe and Jackie. When she’s safe and happy by his side, maybe I can finally say that I’ve fixed my mistake. Maybe after that, I can rest in peace.