“You’ve been really quiet today, Kitten. Everything okay?” Jared steps inside my cubicle a few minutes before it’s time to head out for the weekend. The truth is, I have been quiet. I’ve been mulling over my conversation with Matt from this morning. I still don’t know what to do about next weekend and that only irritates me more. I’m not one to second guess myself.
Lifting my gaze to meet his, I pull my lips into a tight smile. “Got a lot on my mind, and work. You should try it.”
“Ha! Won’t fool me with that trick.” He waggles his brows to earn a laugh but I’m not in the mood.
Leaning back into my chair, I push away from my keyboard. “Big plans with lawyer boy this weekend?”
“Yeah, but I’ll always make time for you. Hey, why don’t we grab drinks and appetizers at Cindy’s?”
“I don’t know . . .” I blow out a deep breath. I’d rather go home to my sweatpants and mope, but Jared’s also a great sounding board. Maybe I should ask for his help.
“Come on, Kitten. You can fill me in on what’s going down. I’ll text Rae, too!” He claps his hands together and bounces on the balls of his Converse.
“Okay, fine.” I give in and point my finger at him. “Besides, I’ve got a bone to pick with your sister.”
“Deal. Ready in five.” He winks and turns to go back to his desk.
I close up my projects, log off my computer, and grab my jacket and bag before meeting him at the elevators. A quick bus down Michigan Avenue to the Athletic Association Hotel and we’re riding the elevator up to the rooftop bar. Rae’s already there, cozied up in one of the chairs near a heater.
I shoot a glare at Jared and he just shrugs. He played me, that much is clear because he obviously already made plans with his sister before inviting me along. I’m sure he also knows all about her ditching me at Zig’s.
Rae glances up as we approach and she eyes me warily. “Mia.” She rubs her hands nervously in her lap. “Hey.”
“You.” I point and she nibbles her lower lip. “What the hell were you thinking?” I plop into the empty chair at her right.
“I’m so sorry.” She groans.
“You made me look like an idiot! Not to mention how worried I was! I spent half an hour frantically searching for you in that bar.” Remembering the chain of events only riles me up again.
She nods and her brow pulls with a frown. “I’m sorry, Mia, really. I was only trying to help. I thought it would bring you and Matt together.”
“Well, it didn’t. It almost pushed us apart, not that it even matters because we’re too different anyway.” I grumble that last part and am thankful when neither of them pries for more.
“Ladies, let’s kiss and make up.” Jared grabs one of her hands and one of mine to link the three of us together. “I hate it when you fight.”
“I’m not even mad anymore,” I say because I’m not. I’m more or less relieved she apologized. “But don’t ever do that again. I was seriously scared something happened to you.”
“Did you not get my text?”
“Yeah. The one you sent after Matt shoved me in the back of an Uber? Rae, that’s not good enough. You can’t just take off with some stranger. It’s not responsible.”
“I’m sorry. You’re right. I was really drunk and not thinking clearly.”
“Obviously, neither of us was. From now on, no spur-of-the-moment outings after day drinking.”
“Deal.” She nods and our server comes by to take our orders. I stick with water, but order the bruschetta after Rae and Jared order their food. This restaurant is a favorite spot and already full with the Friday after work crowd. I’m glad Rae came early to snag this spot near a heater.
“So, now that you and Rae are good, tell us why you avoided me all day?” Jared’s brows rise with his smile. Gossip queen. Knowing he’s let me have my space all day without twenty questions must have been sheer torture for my nosy friend.
I let the silence between us stretch as I gather my thoughts. I’m still irritated with Matt. He implied something by asking me to both watch his fights and go to the Halloween party. It doesn’t sit quite right and nags at my mind. “Do you think I’m selfish?”
Jared’s smile widens with laughter. “Well, yeah. Aren’t we all. Why?”
“I don’t think I’m cut out for relationships. I know we joke about it all the time, but I think the problem isn’t in the losers I find. I think it’s me.” I pick at the fabric of my jeans. I’m too embarrassed to meet my friends’ stares.
“Honey, why do you say that?” Rae squeezes my hand and shakes her head. “We all deserve love.”
“But what if my heart’s broken? Because I really like Matt. Really. But today he asked me to go support him next weekend and watch his guys at some UFC fight thingy, and I don’t want to because it’s the same night as your party. That’s not normal.”
“Your heart’s not broken, Mia.” Jared stops short and shakes his head. “Okay, maybe it’s a little dead. But just because you don’t want to watch a bunch of half-naked men wrestle around in a cage rather than hang out with us doesn’t mean you’re not a good partner.”
“It might mean there’s something wrong with her libido. Can he get us tickets? Because I might ditch my own party for naked wrestling.” Rae winks with her joke and I roll my eyes.
“Rae . . .”
“What? Just sayin’.” She holds up her hands and widens her eyes.
Jared scoots closer to both me and the heater. His brows lift and his lips pinch with a frown. “I get it. But don’t you think your reaction has more to do with the man whose name can never be said again?”
“Who?” Rae glances between us.
“Jared!” I scold because he swore to never tell.
He shrugs. “What? I’m just saying, if it weren’t for that fuckhead, your head wouldn’t be so fucked.”
Rae stares at Jared before giving me the side eye. “I’m confused. Who’s he talking about?”
Jared lifts his brows and though I’d love to smack that expression right off his face, it’s been enough years that I can talk about this without having a complete and total meltdown. I think. Taking a long sip of water and wishing it were something stronger, I turn to Rae. “It was freshman year. He was my first real boyfriend. Jared and I made a pact never to speak his name aloud again. Not just because he was a total tool—because he was—but because he changed me, in a forever kind of way, and I still hate him for it.”
“What did he do?” Rae asks.
Her question lifts my gaze and I glance at Jared, unsure of how far I should revisit my past. He gives an encouraging nod and squeezes my hand. I take a cleansing breath and continue. “He started with little comments. ‘That’s nice but why don’t you wear this?’ Not so alarming, at first. But then it moved on to, ‘Why are you wearing something so sexy? You want guys to think you’re a slut? Are you fucking someone else?’”
“He never liked me, so that was his first strike.” Jared’s jaw works back and forth and I know he’s remembering, too.
“He didn’t want me to spend time with Jared. He got jealous so easily, plus Jared encouraged me to be independent. He was threatened by that.”
“So, what happened? You broke it off?”
“Every time I was going to, he’d change, you know? He’d be super sweet or romantic. Surprise weekend away from the city. Night out just the two of us. New clothes for me to wear. A pair of expensive earrings. At the time I didn’t see what he was doing.” This is it. The first time in years I’ve allowed myself to recount these things. The old wounds sting, but for once they don’t bleed. “On our two-month anniversary, he hit me.”
“Oh, Mia . . .” Rae’s eyes fill with tears.
Jared waves his hand. “Her makeup skills are crap now, but can you imagine back then? The black eye didn’t get by me.”
“You ended it.” Rae says, almost begging.
Shame. A little embarrassment too, sneaks under my well-built wall that guards what’s left of my heart. I shake my head. “No, I didn’t. He was so sorry and he promised not to do it again. He promised so many things.”
Rae turns to her brother. “Jared, how could you let her?”
His gaze burns into mine but neither of us backs away. “I had no choice. I told her she was an idiot for staying with him. I pointed out every little thing he did to control her. But she said he loved her.”
“I was young. I was stupid. I was so easily manipulated,” I plead.
He holds my hand and smiles, though it doesn’t reach his eyes. “Hey, it was a mistake. We all have those.”
“I still hate how weak I was. I hate my former self.” I pull my hands back into my lap. Heaviness, thick and weighted, settles between us.
Rae’s voice cuts the tension. “So, when did it . . . How long ’til you—?”
“Another month,” I cut her off. “It was right before finals. Jared and I were up late studying for that stupid bio exam. Do you remember how horrible that class was?”
Jared laughs and I know it’s only to make me feel better. He’s always been such a good friend. Always. “Oh, God! Yes, that teacher was the worst.”
I could skim over this part, but now that I’m unleashing the ghosts from my past I can’t seem to stop. “He kept trying to get hold of me. I guess he tried all my usual spots. My dorm room. The library. The MU.” My eyes burn and then fill with tears. I don’t want to cry. I haven’t thought about this night in years, and saying the words aloud somehow splits open the past. But I’m done crying over what he did to me, it’s the damage he caused around me that hurts anew.
I’m so thankful when Jared picks up where I can’t. “When he couldn’t find her he came to my dorm. Only we’d been at it for hours by then, studying for this stupid final, and both of us had fallen asleep on my bed. You can imagine how well that went, him walking in with Mia curled up next to me.” Jared rolls his eyes.
I nod and roll mine too. “He lost his mind. I tried to get in the way and got hit. He went for Jared . . .” I gulp because that was it, the moment I knew I couldn’t continue to let this man exist in my life. I tolerated him hurting me, but with Jared it was too much.
“He beat the shit out of me. Thank God, Campus Police came. We pressed charges. He was arrested, suspended, and ended up transferring. Best punch to the face I ever took.” Jared blows me a kiss and for the thousandth time I’m hit with how lucky I am to have him as my best friend.
“I’m so sorry this happened to you. I can’t believe you never said anything!” Rae slinks back into her seat.
“You were in your awkward pubescent years, li’l sis.” Jared laughs.
“Honestly, Rae, it’s behind me. After that I swore I’d never change for a man and I haven’t looked back. Not until Matt.”
“He’s not hurting you, is he? Because I’ll kill that motherfucker!” Jared’s shout draws the attention of everyone sitting near our table. I shake my head and lift one brow, because really?
Jared meets my stare and scoffs. “Okay, I’d at least hire someone bigger and stronger to kill him.”
I shake my head because that’s not it. “Matt’s not the problem. It’s me! I haven’t done a relationship since my fucked up college one, so I don’t know how to be considerate. I don’t want to change who I am for anyone.”
“Is that what Matt’s asking you to do?” Rae asks.
“No, but I’m scared I’ll do it anyway.”
Jared raises his brows and shakes his head. “Mia, we’re talking about you here. I say go right, you go left. I say jump, you say go fuck yourself. Hell, I ask you not to eat the last donut, and you always eat the last motherfucking donut. I don’t think you’re going to accidentally change who you are. You’re too set in your ways.”
“Maybe that’s why I’ll never have another relationship. Who wants to be with someone like that?”
“I don’t know. I get the impression Matt does.” Rae shrugs.
I groan because I’m still at a loss. “But how do I even approach the subject? ‘Hey, so, you know how we’re dating but not really? Maybe we could really.’”
Jared laughs and shakes his head. “Maybe work on the delivery, but I’m sure you’ll figure it out. If you’re into him, give it a shot.”
“Maybe. I don’t know. I’ll think about it.”
“I’ll find a hitman and keep him on speed dial in case things turn sour.” He winks.
“You’re the best. Hey, speaking of the best . . . We need to discuss costumes. Obviously we’re zombies, but do we want to do a theme this year?” I rub my hands together because this is my absolute favorite part about Halloween.
Jared won’t meet my gaze, and taps his fingers along his empty glass, “Oh, uh. Jesus. This is awkward. Shit. Might as well just say it. I’m not going as a zombie this year.”
“What? Why?” I sit up straight.
He puts his hands together and smiles in that ooey-gooey way people in love always do. “Things are going really well with Logan.”
“I’m so happy for you.” Rae’s smile is genuine but I’m still stuck on the fact we won’t be zombies together. This is Halloween. The big party. We always coordinate our costumes and we always go as zombies. Always.
“He doesn’t want to zombie with us?” I can’t keep the hurt from my tone.
Jared shrugs. “We actually made plans to go as salt and pepper.”
“The rap duo?” I shake my head, even more confused because Jared never was one for nineties rap.
“No, the shakers.” He grins and picks the set off the table to depict their costume choice.
“Aww . . . That’s cute.” Rae pats his arm.
“We think so.” He grins and I have to look away.
Okay, so Jared’s out. No big deal. At least I have Rae. I turn toward her. “So, what do you think? We could do Walking Dead again or maybe something different?”
“Um, I mean, I guess I can do the zombie thing again if you want me to. I do owe you one after last weekend. It’s just, I was sort of thinking I’d do something different.”
“Different?”
“Yeah, I was thinking like a sexy butterfly, or ladybug. Hell, maybe even Catwoman. It’s just that I’ve never had the chance, you know, since we were always a trio.” It’s totally obvious that’s what she wants, though she’s too polite and kind to come right out and demand it.
“Oh, okay. I get it.” And I do, but it’s starting to feel as if our Halloween tradition is lacking the tradition. If we’re not going as walkers, and Rae and Jared are doing their own thing, it seems less significant for me to bail on Matt’s fights in place of the party. “You’re still having your party, though, right?”
“God, yes!” Jared laughs. “Hey, Rae, did you call your DJ friend?”
“Yes, and he’s good to go. Won’t even charge us for it. I always knew that blow job would pay off.” She smiles with satisfaction.
Jared nods and lifts his cup. “BJs are never wasted.”
Our server interrupts with plates of food and drink refills. Rae and Jared dig in and the conversation steers toward lighter territory. I join in, but a nagging feeling in my gut won’t allow me to relax until I set things right with Matt. I like him, I do, in a more-than-friends kind of way. And even though I’m not ready to take a stab at relationshipping, I might be ready to dip my toe in the waters. Pulling out my cell, I type out a short message and leave the device on my lap to wait for his reply.
Mia: Save me a ticket.
It’s no declaration of love, but it’s a huge step for me. His answer comes a few minutes later.
Matt: It’s already yours. Thank you.
That heart of mine must not be totally dead because his message warms me more than these space heaters. I pick up the phone and respond.
Mia: And find your sexiest Catwoman costume because we have a party afterward.
Matt: Done. You might need to help me with the fishnets and garters.
A giggle leaves my lips and I glance up to find Jared and Rae staring. Jared lifts his brow with a smirk. Whatever. I’m sure he’ll give me crap about this later, but I don’t care.
Mia: Rae wants you to dress up as Thor.
Matt: What do you want me to be?
You. I want Matt as he is. I’m not ready to say good night so instead of answering his question I take a dangerous step.
Mia: Come over tonight?
Matt: It’ll be really late again. That OK?
Mia: Just come over. I’ll be home.