Sleep has eluded me.

How could I possibly sleep when Hayden’s sorrowful eyes are burned in my memory?

What have I done?

This is such a mess, and I’m the one to blame.

Logan came into my room this morning with a muffin and some tea, but I asked him to leave it on my nightstand. When he asked if everything was okay, I told him I was really tired from getting in so late.

And when he came in at lunchtime to see if I was okay, I told him.

I told him I didn’t love him the way he loves me. The words fell out of my mouth before I could even think about how they might hurt him.

But the decision almost seemed too simple after Hayden dropped me off. Logan, although sweet and caring, and a beautiful human I always want in my life, he’s not the man I’m grieving. I’ve had my time to grieve Logan, and he’s a chapter in my life that’s closed.

But leaving Hayden’s car last night, due to my feelings of total despair, I could barely walk up the stairs to my apartment without breaking down.

And right there was evidence enough that the man I needed by my side was the man I destroyed with my silence.

I hate myself.

After Logan left my room, I cried. Not for the loss of Logan, but for the loss of Hayden, the dent I put in our relationship. No, not dent, but the chasm created by a dagger straight to his heart. And what’s worse is I’ve now done that twice. I’ve. Done. That. Twice. And he’s not a man who deserves to be treated like that once, let alone twice.

Many times I thought about calling him last night but once again, I was apprehensive. Deep down, I know he’s the one, but when it comes to pulling the trigger, I’m gun-shy.

Now it’s an hour before his game; I stand in front of my mirror, questioning my decision to go to the game. If I don’t go, Hayden will assume it’s over forever, but if I do go, I’m giving myself over to him—my heart, my broken and battered heart.

But not going isn’t an option.

Adjusting the elastic band of my jeans, I take a look at myself one more time. I look like a moose. The Quakes shirt Emma gave me with Hayden’s name and number on the back is entirely too tight around my stomach but I keep it on, wanting to show my support.

I forgot to hand out the tickets to the other girls in my office so I’ll be sitting in a row all by myself. It might be better actually, because I’ll be a nervous wreck the entire game, and I’d prefer not to be asked what’s wrong every two seconds. Going to the game by myself will be much better.

I make my way to the front of the apartment complex where I told my Uber driver to meet me. Driving into Los Angeles doesn’t sound appealing to me right now, especially when I haven’t done it yet. I’ve only driven to work and around my little area. To be honest, Logan has done most of the driving if we’ve gone somewhere.

Oh Logan.

God, he was so upset. It kills me to think of his reaction. But then again, we’re better off as friends. I hope after this blows over he still wants to be my friend.

What a mess.

My Uber driver pulls up just as my phone rings in my purse. I hop in the car, buckle up, and give the Uber driver a quick hello before pulling my phone out of my purse.

Racer.

Leaning back into the seat, getting comfortable. I answer. “Hey Racer.”

“How’s my girl doing?”

He sounds chipper. Recently he’s fallen in love, the big teddy bear that he is. But I wonder, did Hayden call him? Do he and Hayden talk about us, about the baby? It seems like Hayden is more of a private man, one to keep his personal business to himself. Which honestly, I am too for the most part. I can’t remember the last time I divulged all my secrets to Emma. Can you blame me? Last time I involved her in my big news, she interfered big time.

I know, I know, she was in the right, but still!

“Doing all right,” I answer, sounding less than convincing.

Racer doesn’t miss a beat. “What’s going on?”

Sighing, I watch the palm trees pass by the window while I gather the courage to talk to Racer. “Logan told me he loved me.”

There’s a pause and then, “Oh, for fuck’s sake. I told you taking him out there was going to be a bad idea.”

“I didn’t bring him out here. He wanted to come. He wanted a change, he wanted out of Binghamton. I thought he was coming out here as a friend.”

“Addie, I love you, you know that, but I think anyone could have foreseen what was going to happen. He moved across the country with you, shares an apartment, takes care of you, so it’s obvious he’s a man in love. If I was single, I don’t think I would have done the same for you, and you’re one of my best friends, but that’s a huge life change for someone to do who’s not in love.”

When he puts it that way.

Ugh, I’m so stupid.

“It was nice to have someone here.”

“Hayden is there.”

“Part-time, Racer. He’s here part-time, and I was flying across the country, pregnant, uprooting my life—”

“And is that it?” Racer’s voice grows more serious. The easygoing and fun-loving Racer has been switched out for the more serious one.

“What do you mean?”

“Why did you move out there, Adalyn?”

“Well,” I stumble over my words. “Because Hayden asked me to.”

“If I asked you to move for me, would you?”

Probably not.

“What’s your point, Racer?”

The driver swerves to the side, drawing my attention to the front where he’s playing around on his phone. Uh, can he please concentrate on the road? Someone is not getting a five-star rating, that’s for damn sure.

“My point is, you need to figure out why you’re out there.”

“Did Hayden call you?”

“No.”

I drawl out his name, “Racer, did he call you?”

“He didn’t. Why, what happened?”

I cross my leg and rest my hand on my belly, a new habit I’m becoming accustomed to. “Logan told me he loved me then the next day, Hayden and I, umm . . . you know.”

“Had sex. It’s okay to say the words.”

Not when I’m in an Uber car two feet away from the driver.

“Yes, that. And I must have fallen asleep after, because the next thing I remember is waking up next to Logan, him holding me and caressing me. It was so real that when I woke up, I freaked out and couldn’t get away from Hayden quick enough.” God, I really hate myself. “I then proceeded to tell him about Logan.”

“Oh, Adalyn.”

“I know,” I groan. “Ugh it was a mess. Racer, he was so distraught.” Taking a second to gather myself, I say, “He told me he loves me.”

“Of course he does, Adalyn. Christ, you’re just realizing that? I could tell he loved you when he was still here in Binghamton.”

A tear trickles down my cheek and I quickly wipe it away, not wanting the Uber driver to catch me crying, making me the odd story he tells his friends and family at the end of his day.

“I don’t know what my problem is. Why can’t I just let him love me? Why am I having such an issue with this?”

“Because he’s the first guy you’ve ever loved, and it’s terrifying. He’s the first guy who’s ever treated you like you deserve to be treated. The first guy to stick around. The first guy to capture your heart.”

“And he left.”

“No, Adalyn, you left.” The way he emphasizes “you” sends a fearful chill up my spine. “You were the one who left. You gave up before he even have a chance to break your heart.”

“I didn’t want to hold him back.”

“You’re holding him back now,” Racer says, fighting with me. “You’re holding him back from being the man he wants to be. Damn it, Adalyn. He wants you, he wants the baby, he wants a family . . . with you.”

Another swerve of the car. Sitting up, I say, “Sir, could you please not look at your phone while you drive?”

“Is everything okay?” Racer asks, extremely concerned.

Whispering into the phone, I say, “Yes, the Uber driver is just texting and driving. I’m actually on my way to Hayden’s game now to—”

My words are cut off when the driver misses a stop sign and sails through the four-way stop without even looking. It all happens in slow motion: the screech of wheels, me shouting “look out,” the Uber driver swerving, and the impact of another car to the driver’s side, careening the little Toyota Corolla into a small ditch to the right, hitting a fire hydrant.

Disoriented, confused, and upside down, water starts to flow into the car from the broken hydrant, and fills up quickly.