I wake up, my head pounding, my body a delicious ache.

A muted gray light filters through my window, turning my lavender bedroom into a cozy cave. I stretch my arms over my head, relishing in the sore sensations lapping through me. I’d slept naked. Something I never do, but it seemed appropriate. The cotton abrades my nipples, made tender from Xavier’s mouth.

I grin, laughing a little when I remember my crazed, lust-filled behavior. A part of me wonders if I should feel bad, ashamed or embarrassed about the way I’d acted and the things I’d let him do to me. I’d expected to. Even in my alcohol-fueled state I’d thought I’d regret my actions.

Simply because they were so not me.

I’m not abandoned. I’m not dirty and sexual. I’m none of those things. I’m the nice girl. The girl you take home to your mom and grandma. I’d expected to be horrified in the light of day and a clear head.

But I find that’s not the case. In fact, I’m almost giddy. Sex-drunk.

Oh, I have no illusions. I’m fully aware what happened with Xavier would never happen again, but you know what? I strangely don’t care. I’d gone into last night with my eyes wide open and regret nothing.

Turns out, in the end, it’s expectation that kills us. Having none is liberating.

So because I understand it was once, there’s no angst. I don’t have to wonder if he’ll call, because he won’t. There will be no preoccupation speculating if I’d ever see him again, because I won’t. At least not like that. Oh sure I’d run into him at parties, but it would be like last night never happened.

From the second Xavier stepped into my house, I’d treated him as a special gift to myself. He was my fantasy, and I’d been determined to live out all my deepest, darkest desires. Indulge in him. Be all the things I dreamed about late at night, in the privacy of my own room.

And I’d done it. Given in to the wanton abandon.

I don’t regret a single second. Not only don’t I regret it, I feel fantastic. Empowered. Like I can conquer the whole world. Who would have thought uninhibited, no-strings-attached fooling around would lead to such positive results.

Certainly not me, but thank god for small favors.

Somewhere, deep in the night, after we’d fallen asleep on the couch, Xavier had nudged me and told me he had to go. He’d waken me, but I’d murmured a sleepy goodbye and rolled back over, because I didn’t want an awkward farewell where he’d feel obligated to say things he didn’t mean. After the front door clicked closed, I’d gotten up and crawled into bed.

It was better that way. For him and for me.

I stretch again. Good lord, cotton sheets feel like heaven against my skin. I should have slept naked ages ago. I had no idea what I was missing. I was definitely going to get used to this.

I yawn, loving the strain of my well-used muscles. I can’t describe it, but it was like my entire perspective had changed. Like a new me had awakened. I couldn’t wait to get out there in the world and embrace life. I’d call him and thank him, but he’d probably think I wanted something. I didn’t, I’m grateful for him fulfilling greedy fantasies I could relive in my head for years to come.

I smile. The whole day stretches before me, wide open with possibilities.

I can do anything I want.

Anything at all.

* * *

What had I done?

After assisting in an emergency surgery this morning, I’m sitting in the lounge area of the hospital, contemplating my very inappropriate behavior. I had no fucking idea what came over me. Well, besides a shitload of alcohol and a soft willing girl with big, luminous blue eyes. My own eyes are gritty with lack of sleep and I want to catch a few seconds of shuteye, but as hard as I try, I can’t stop thinking about last night with Tessa.

When I’d woken up, I’d been filled with panic, fearing the worst. As I’d untangled myself from her, tiptoeing around her apartment gathering my things, I’d prayed for an easy escape.

She’d give it to me.

But, for some strange reason, instead of relief, I’d been disappointed.

All she’d done was mumble a goodbye, turn over and go back to sleep. After the orgasms I’d given her, I’d expected at least some sort of plea to call her. The girls I left in the middle of the night always wanted something. Another round of sex. A phone number. A dinner date. Something.

But Tessa barely seemed to notice.

She’d made it easy on me. Which was good. Great. I’d be relieved soon enough.

It just…wasn’t what I’d expected.

What I’d done with her looped in my head for at least the thousandth time, explicit and vivid. It had been crazy. We’d been crazy. Thankfully, I’d managed to keep my wits about me enough not to have sex with her. Because that would have been a disaster. That I’d abstained should have brought me relief, but I couldn’t find it. Because somehow what I had done with her was worse. Much, much worse. I couldn’t explain it. I always liked fun, dirty sex, but this had gone beyond that. It was dirty, but… Raw and intense. Intimate in a way I wasn’t used to and made me uncomfortable.

But as uneasy as the sex part made me, it wasn’t what made me really nervous. What sat right in my sternum was how easily I’d fallen asleep with her. I’m not a great sleeper. I have weird hours, a crazy, inconsistent schedule and tend to be restless and fitful. Under the best conditions, by myself, I had a hard time.

It’s why I rarely sleep at a girl’s place, and when I have, I’ve always made it very clear I’m not a cuddler. That it was nothing personal, but it was too hard for me to sleep all tangled together. So why the hell had I fallen fast asleep with Tessa tucked against my chest?

I’d slept hard too. I’d woken at four in the morning with a start, unsure of my surroundings, but damn sure of the woman I’d been holding in my arms.

It was bizarre.

I think of her. The wild toss of her hair and flushed skin. Her needy moans, and how wet she’d been on my fingers. And her breasts, my god her breasts. Just thinking about them made my mouth water.

But more than the sex, I also remember how much fun I had with her. The talking and getting my ass kicked at slapjack. I can’t remember when I’ve had fun with anyone like that besides my friends. She’d made me laugh. Made me think. Made me want to share things I never wanted to share with anyone.

My best friend, Ted Grimes, walks into the lounge area. We’re on the same shift today. He plops himself down on the chair opposite me and digs his thumbs into his eyes.

I laugh. “My thoughts exactly.”

He shakes his head. “I’m so tired.”

We’re always tired. That’s part of residency. But sometimes you get so weary you have to say it out loud. I run my hand through my hair and glance at the clock. I’ve got fifteen minutes, and as exhausted as I am, sleep is impossible. “How was your Valentine’s?”

Ted perks up with that question. “Good.”

By his expression, I’m guessing it was more than good, but Ted’s never been much of a sharer. Especially since he’s been with Shelly, the lone female in our group of friends. Ted and Shelly had finally gone public with their relationship after months of sneaking around for no reason. We’d all known they’d hooked up about five seconds after they’d done so, but they’d kept quiet until it became ridiculous.

“Oh yeah?” I ask. “What did you do?”

“Shelly and I went out to dinner and back to her place.” He shrugs. “I finally convinced her to move in with me.”

Shelly is the most stubborn woman on the planet and had to negotiate on every point in their relationship. While most guys would be daunted, Ted seems to thrive on the challenge she presents, and I’d never seen the guy happier. I grin. “That’s great. Congrats.”

“Thanks. It was the battle of the century, but I finally wore her down.” He glances at me. “I assume you had your normal Valentine’s, dinner with Nana.”

“Yep.” All my friends know I stay away from Valentine’s Day dates. Treating them like the plague they are.

Tessa on her couch, under me and begging, fills my mind. I shouldn’t have touched her on the clingiest day of the year.

What was I thinking?

“How’s she doing?” Ted asks.

“Good.” The word is absentminded.

It occurs to me that while I may have gotten away scot-free, I’ll be forced to see Tessa again at parties and the like. I could end up running into her on a semi-regular basis. I’d given her orgasms on Valentine’s Day; she’ll have some expectation.

Won’t she?

“Everything okay?” Ted’s voice rips me from my thoughts.

“Yeah, sure, just tired.” She’s best friends with one of my best friend’s girlfriend. There will be no way I can escape her.

I could avoid her, or ignore her. I could pretend nothing ever happened between us. But since she’s not a casual acquaintance of Ashley’s, that doesn’t seem right.

I should at least call her.

My shoulders relax.

Yes, I’ll call her. Make a gesture to clear the air. Make sure she’s okay. Be a good guy.

I frown. I don’t have her number. It’s not like I can ask anyone for her number. If I asked Ashley, she’d want to know why, and she can never know what happened.

Hmmm… Would Tessa tell Ashley? Didn’t girls tell their friends everything?

I mull it over. I’ll find out soon enough from Christopher, who will certainly ask me. Especially since he requested at one point for me to stay away from all of Ashley’s friends to avoid exactly this situation. I’d easily agreed at the time, because I always had women available to me and didn’t want the hassle.

But it’s further motivation to talk to Tessa. It’s the smartest course of action, and this way I can make sure we’re on the same page. This way if our transgression last night comes to light, things will be cool between us.

Something tells me Tessa isn’t going to say anything. She doesn’t seem like the kind of girl that goes and over shares with her friends. She seems like the kind of girl that keeps things to herself.

I could play the odds and see what happens. My gut tells me that I could skate by without consequences.

Debating my choices, I strum my fingers on the chair’s arm.

“You sure nothing happened last night? You seem preoccupied.” Ted’s expression is creased, like it does when he’s concentrating on a puzzle he needs to work out.

My mind returns to Tessa. It’s better. She let me go. I owe her nothing. All we did was fool around. I’m making too big a deal out of it. And I’d been clear last night, hadn’t I? My frown deepens. I can’t remember. I’d been too focused on her mouth to recall anything but the filthy things I’d said.

“X?” Ted asks again, the question clear in his tone.

I shake my head. “I’m cool. Nothing happened. I had dinner with Nana, what could have happened?”

He shrugs one shoulder. “I don’t know, but you’re acting strangely.”

“Just tired.” The universal excuse for everything. Everything can be blamed on being tired. That’s just fact.

“Yeah.” He leans back on the chair and covers half his face with his arm. “I’m going to rest for a second.”

I should rest too. I look at the clock. I’ve got five more hours left. I’d be done at seven.

I scrub a hand over my jaw.

It wouldn’t hurt to stop by her place on my way home to make sure she’s okay. To make sure she doesn’t harbor any illusions about last night and ensure there are no hard feelings.

I prop my head on my open palm and shut my eyes.

Yes, that’s what I’ll do. I think of her flushed face and wet swollen lips. I think of my mouth and teeth on her breasts. Licking and sucking. Her shuddering when she came.

My cock stirs and I grit my teeth.

Yes. I’ll go see her. To cover my bases, that’s all.

* * *

I’m curled up on my couch reading a book, my lids heavy and closing periodically as I struggle to stay awake after my late night, when my door buzzes. I startle, sitting upright, my head jerking toward the door.

Who on earth could that be?

I can’t fathom. My friends and family are not ones to drop in, so all I can think is that it’s a sales person. The buzzer rings again. I sigh. A persistent sales person. I put down my book and get to my feet, walking over to the intercom and pushing the button. “Yes?”

There’s a moment of silence before the speaker crackles. “Tessa, it’s Xavier.”

I blink at the small box on my wall, brows furrowed. Am I imagining things? Hallucinating? Because he’s the last person I’d expected to end up on my doorstep. I depress the button. “Who?”

“Xavier, you know, from last night.” The disembodied voice says back. “Can I come up?”

My heart starts to hammer in my chest. Why is he here? Excitement zings along my nerve endings and I shake it off. I’m sure it means nothing. But I can’t help the girly panic that makes my blood run fast.

Oh my god. I look terrible. I’d had a lazy day. I was in no makeup, comfy clothes, and my hair was tied back into a messy bun. I have zero time to fix myself.

Of course, I could send him away, but I’m far too curious about his visit to take that kind of action. “Sure, I’ll buzz you up.”

I hit the entry button and run frantically to the bathroom to freshen myself. I scrub my face; try to finger comb my hair, and grab lip balm. As I slick it onto my lips I glance at myself in the mirror. My eyes are bright and a bit wild. My cheeks flushed pink.

I look excited and suddenly reality crashes in. What am I thinking? He’s probably here to be a good guy. That’s all. Since we have to see each other on occasion, he’s probably making sure I’m okay with what happened.

Remember, no expectations. I bite my bottom lip.

There’s a knock on the door and I take a deep breath. As calmly as I can muster, I walk to my door and open it. Casual as can be, I smile brightly. “Hi.”

Dressed in jeans, he’s wearing a dark coat and has a bag slung over one shoulder. He looks gorgeous as ever and my pulse speeds up as I drink him in. He doesn’t make any move to cross the threshold, but his lips tilt, just a little. “Hi.”

“Hi.” I stand back. “Do you want to come in?”

I’m impressed with the steadiness of my voice, as though his showing up is no big deal. As though he hasn’t seen me practically naked and begging.

“Thanks.” He enters, dropping his bag on the table next to the door.

A thick silence fills the space between us. I clear my throat. “I didn’t expect to see you.”

“I wanted to talk to you.” He shrugs. “To make sure you’re okay.”

So, it is what I thought. I try not to be too disappointed. After all, even that was more than I’d anticipated. I knew what I was signing up for when I’d decided to go for it, and the results had been so worth it, I could suffer a little disappointment. I smile. “I’m great, thanks.”

“Are you sure?” He frowns at me, searching my expression.

“Of course.”

He’s still looking at me as though he expects me to grow a second head or perhaps start throwing stuff in a full-blown diva fit. I decide to let him off the hook. Last night was for me, and I’m not about to let him ruin it by acting all guilt ridden. I tilt my head to the side. “Xavier, I know last night was a one-time thing. You don’t owe me anything.”

Instead of his face clearing, his forehead creases.

I continue, wanting to reassure him I'm sincere. “It was something fun we did. So don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone. When we see each other I won’t hang all over you, turn clingy or expecting anything. It was a one-off fluke. It was nice of you to stop by and check, but rest assured, I’m fine.”

“Fine. You’re sure?” His dark eyes narrow with suspicion.

“Yes, fine.”

He turns to face me, and his gaze skims over me. “You’re not pretending, are you?”

I laugh. “Oh my god, your ego.”

His eyes narrow. “Tell me you’re not pretending.”

My hand is still on the doorframe and I cock my hip. It sounds strange, but something about last night changed me. I feel confident, sassy and full of a kind of power that’s always eluded me before now. I cluck my tongue. “What do you want to hear, Xavier? That I spent the day in tears, desperate for you to call me? Or come over?”

He crosses his arms over his chest, making his shoulders impossibly broad. “Did you?”

“Totally.” I point to my face. “Can’t you see how blotchy my face is? How puffy my eyes are?”

His lips twitch. “Yeah, kind of.”

I roll my eyes. “You cannot!”

He reaches out and brushes a crooked finger over my cheek. “You’re pink right here.”

I slap his hand away. “Get over yourself. You’re not that amazing.”

“Am so.” He takes a step and something in his expression stirs a low heat in my belly.

Releasing the door, I step back. “Are not.”

“Uh-huh.” He shuts the door with a loud bang. “Totally amazing.”

“Stop being an egomaniac.”

He encroaches and I retreat until my back hits the wall of my small foyer. He plants his hands on either side of my head. “I gave you orgasms.”

“Yeah, so? I give myself orgasms all the time, it’s not a big deal.”

He leans closer. “I think I’d like to see that.”

I lift my chin, licking my lips and his eyes follow my movements. “What are you doing?”

“Nothing,” he says, and sweeps down to capture my mouth with his.

I give two seconds to protest, then surrender against him.

He kisses me like he’s starving, pressing me up against the wall like I’m in a movie. God, if he rips my clothes off, it will be another fantasy checked off. One hand comes to my hip and he squeezes before his arm goes under my ass. He tilts my hips so I rub against his erection.

I gasp, and grind back, loving the feel of his big, hard body against my softer one. I tangle my hand in his hair, and pull him closer.

He growls deep in his throat and lifts me up, swinging me around and walking to the couch before he tosses me on it. He looks down at me, shaking his head. “I didn’t come for this.”

“Okay.” I arch my back.

“All I wanted was to make sure you were okay.”

I grin up at him. “I’m totally okay. I’m awesome.”

“You are.”

I’m not going to think anything about this. Not going to question. I’m going to thank my good fortune and act.

He leans down and puts his hand on my stomach. “No sex.”

“No sex.” My words are a purr.

“I just want to feel you, taste you and make you come a few times. Deal?”

“Do I get to make you come?”

A muscle in his jaw jumps. “If you want to.”

I don’t know where this is coming from, because I’ve never said anything like this before, but I flutter my lashes. “With your cock in my throat.”

“Jesus Christ, Tessa.” He drags his hand through his hair.

“Is that a yes?”

“Yes.”

I’m giddy with excitement. I grin. “I can make that deal.”