Cole

 

I was back in uniform.

I was standing at attention.

All around me, people were talking, but I couldn’t hear a damn thing.

My heart was pounding so loudly in my brain that it was all I could do to just remember to breathe. In a matter of minutes, I knew my life was going to change.

For the worse.

By the time our CO finished reading the report in his hands, I was going to lose everything—my friends, my career, the life that I’d built for myself.

And I’d completely deserve it.

It would almost be a relief to have it all be over.

I was so focused on a spot on the wall—anything to keep me from actually having to engage in conversation with anyone—that I didn’t immediately realize we’d been asked to sit. Levi nudged me discreetly and motioned for me to take a seat. I was almost thankful to do so since my legs felt as if they were about to give out.

The CO was talking again, but in my mind, it was muffled. My throat was dry, and I felt like I was going to be sick.

I needed to focus, to listen. I needed to hear it for myself—to know that what they’d found just proved what I’ve known all along—that Gavin would be alive right now if it wasn’t for me.

I looked over at Levi and realized that I cost his wife her brother—and her parents, their son. He’d never want anything to do with me ever again after this. Even if no formal charges were ever brought against me, I’d be nothing more than a horrible reminder of everything I cost his family.

Levi had been a good friend. One of the best. I wouldn’t make it hard for him—or for Harper. I’d just sell my share of the company and just… go away.

It would be for the best.

Declan and Sebastian would probably wash their hands of me as well. How could they not? They’d pretend we were all fine—probably even try to convince me that someday Levi and Harper would forgive me. But it wouldn’t matter. These three guys… they were the best thing that had ever happened to me. When I met them in boot camp, my life was a mess. I never had any real friends—had never known what it was like to have people who really cared about me. A family.

And now I was going to lose them and go back to where I belonged.

Alone.

On my own.

With no one to give a damn if I was dead or alive.

My brain immediately conjured up Evangeline’s face. I knew that, somewhere inside her, she actually believed we could be something together, but once Sebastian told her about what the report had found, she’d be thankful that I walked away. After all, it wouldn’t look good for one of Hollywood’s biggest actresses to be linked to a guy who got his best friend killed.

It would be too much for any tabloid magazine.

I must have missed more than I thought because suddenly I was hearing, “And in conclusion,” and my heart just stopped. I felt myself leaning forward. Waiting.

“…it is found that through all our investigation—interviews and eyewitness accounts—that Gunnery Sergeant Gavin Murphy rushed the orders and in doing such, moved into an area that hadn’t been cleared or secured.”

What?

If I wasn’t mistaken, the CO was a little choked up by the news. He placed the report down on the podium and looked at the four of us. “He was a good man,” he said solemnly. “I know I don’t have to tell any of you that. What happened was a tragedy. An accident. The United States Marine Corp was proud to call Gavin Murphy one of our own.” And with little more than a nod of his head, he exited the room.

Not one of us moved.

I couldn’t speak for Sebastian, Declan, or Levi, but I still felt like I was going to be sick. I knew I heard what the report said, and I knew I should be relieved… but I wasn’t. Basically, the report cleared me of any wrongdoing. But it was just as hard to deal with the fact that there was no one to blame for Gavin’s death.

It would have given me closure.

It would have given all of us closure.

Sebastian stood and raked a hand through his hair. I watched him pace silently back and forth a couple of times, and I could see the same restlessness in him I knew I was feeling. It didn’t take long for Declan to stand and then Levi.

He was the one I was worried about the most. He had to go and tell Harper and her parents what the report had found.

I refused to say that Gavin was to blame. I couldn’t. Gavin was passionate about what he was doing, and deep down to the very bottom of my soul, I refused to lay blame on him. He paid the ultimate price. Wasn’t that enough?

“I’ve got to go and call Harper,” Levi said quietly. “I’ll meet you all outside.”

I watched him go, and honestly, I wished the news was different. I wished for Harper’s sake that there was a face to put on this tragedy that wasn’t her brother’s. I’d gladly take the responsibility all on myself just to give her and her family a different outcome. And peace.

But I couldn’t.

I was numb. I was expecting a different outcome, and now I didn’t know what to do with myself. I didn’t feel any joy. I didn’t feel any relief. I just felt… nothing.

It was easy to believe that I had screwed up. That was my life’s story. It was what I’d always been told and what I’d always lived up to. But for once, when it really mattered, I didn’t screw up.

“Hey,” Declan said, sitting back down beside me. “You okay?”

I looked at him for a long moment—as if seeing him for the first time. He said my name, and suddenly it hit me. “Yeah,” I said. “Yeah, I am.”

And I actually believed it.

***

It was a familiar scene—the four of us sitting around a table at a bar. We’d been doing it for years. The drive over was spent in silence, and even though no one asked where we were going, Sebastian—who was driving—seemed to know exactly where we needed to go.

“Someone please say something,” Declan finally said. “I… I can’t stand the silence anymore. I mean, that was some pretty heavy shit we heard today. How could we not have something to say about it?”

“What is there to say?” Seb asked. “It was all right there in black-and-white.”

Another long silence. Each of us seemed lost in our own thoughts as we drank our beers, our whisky, our gin.

“I thought I killed him,” Levi said lowly.

“What?” we all asked collectively.

He looked up, his expression bleak. “All this time”—his voice clogged with emotion— “I thought I was responsible for killing him.” He paused. “There were times I couldn’t even look at my wife, my in-laws, because I was so riddled with guilt. All I could think of was how they were going to hate me when it was proved that I was responsible. As it was, I couldn’t help but imagine that every time they looked at me that they were wishing I had been the one to die rather than Gavin.”

“How could you even think that?” Seb asked. “You were… You always…” He seemed to struggle to find the right words before he finally sighed. “I thought it was me.”

“You? How?” Levi asked. “I was in charge. I was the one…”

“I wasn’t paying attention. Or at least I thought I wasn’t paying attention. All this time I kept wondering what I’d missed or what I could have said to stop him…”

Declan gave a mirthless laugh. “That about sums up how I was feeling too.” He looked at the three of us sadly and shrugged. “We all know that I’m the slacker of the group. You guys were always picking up after me. I’ve been replaying that day in my mind all this time—trying to figure out what I didn’t see. I remember thinking that the whole exercise was a bust. That there wasn’t a threat. If I had taken it a little more seriously…”

“I was next to him,” I finally said, my voice raw. “I saw everything he saw, and I never saw it coming. I heard the order, but when I turned to look at Gavin… he was gone. He had moved. I… I thought I heard the order wrong. That we were supposed to move. I was getting up and then…” My voice trailed off, and I took a moment to just breathe. “I thought I had missed something, and because I hadn’t moved when Gavin had that I’d… That it was my fault… and…”

“Fuck,” Declan muttered, scrubbing a hand over his face. “Why haven’t we ever talked about this? It’s been two damn years; why are we all just sharing this now?”

“Why didn’t you share it?” I snapped.

He looked away, uncomfortable. “I… I didn’t want anyone to… I thought you’d all…”

“Yeah,” Seb said. “We know. Because we’re all guilty of the same damn thing. We all felt responsible and didn’t know what the hell to do about it. Who the fuck wants to admit that they were responsible for someone’s death? Especially when that someone is like a damn brother to you?”

“So what do we do now?” Declan asked.

“I don’t feel…,” I began and then cleared my throat. “I don’t feel… absolved. There’s a part of me that still feels responsible. Like I wasn’t watching his back. I should have pulled him back when he moved. If I was paying attention…”

“He still would have moved,” Levi finally said and then shook his head. “I loved Gavin. We grew up together, and he really was like a brother to me. But that doesn’t mean he wasn’t a pain in the ass.”

I wanted to jump up and yell that he shouldn’t say something like that, but I knew he was right.

“There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think about Gavin,” he continued. “And not just because of Harper or my son. I think about him because he was a part of my life for… for my whole life. I miss him every day. That’s never going to change. But we all know that Gavin was… well, Gavin. He didn’t like to take orders. He could be arrogant. That mission… He argued every point of it with me and with anyone who would listen.”

“Yeah, but…” Declan interrupted.

“He didn’t deserve to die,” Levi said immediately. “He didn’t deserve… to die.”

“We couldn’t have stopped him,” Sebastian said quietly, and Declan agreed.

Levi looked directly at me. “You couldn’t have stopped him, Cole. You have to know that. No one could have.”

I looked at the three men who were my only family and saw it in their eyes—what Levi said was the truth. No one blamed me. No one hated me. No one thought I was a killer.

I breathed a heavy sigh of relief.

Sebastian reached over and put a hand on my shoulder before reaching for his drink with his other hand. “I think it’s time we let the past stay where it belongs—in the past. It’s time to start looking toward the future.”

“Here, here,” Declan agreed somberly, raising his glass.

Soon we each had our drinks in the air. “To Gavin,” I said, and for the first time, it didn’t hurt to say his name.

“To Gavin,” the guys replied.

***

It was well after midnight, and I was back in my own bed, in my own home. I couldn’t sleep, and I was just staring at the ceiling. Evangeline’s case was over. Part of me was relieved, but there was another part of me that—stupidly, selfishly—wished we’d had more time.

How fucked-up was that? Essentially, I was wishing for her to still be in danger.

I couldn’t believe we’d all missed the signs—that Janelle had this previous connection. But then again, it was such a random and little-known fact, I could honestly say it would have been nearly impossible to find. Thousands of kids audition for those shows, and being how it was so long ago and the threats had only started recently… Well, the whole thing was bizarre.

I closed my eyes, but I could still see Evangeline’s face. I didn’t even fight it. I didn’t even try to make the image go away. If anything, the sight of her gave me peace. For a short span of time, she needed me. Wanted me. Someone as good and clean and amazing as her actually wanted someone like me.

Why was I even here? I asked myself. Not just here on this planet, but here in this house. This town. Why would I choose to come back here? This place held nothing but negative memories. Why was I forcing myself to stay in this rut? Waiting for people to put me down and tell me I was no good?

We have something good. Something better than I’ve had in… ever.

Now it wasn’t just her face but her voice. I played that statement over and over in my mind. I’d been with a lot of women—most of them had told me that what we had was good. But they were referring to the act, the sex, the moment. They all left and hadn’t asked to come back. But Evangeline? She was referring to something more than sex, more than a moment.

And I threw that away.

Not only did I throw it away, I was cruel about it.

It didn’t take a genius to realize that most of the current problems in my life were self-inflicted. I willingly moved back to a place where I knew I was going to be rejected. I’d kept everyone at a distance—even my best friends.

And I threw away the chance to finally have some peace. Some love.

A future.

And damn if I had a clue about how to change it.

Well, that wasn’t true. First thing in the morning, the house goes. I’ll put it on the market as-is. I didn’t need the money—I made more than I needed from the security work. And then inspiration struck— Once the house sold, I’d donate the money to a women’s shelter. Something like what Levi had done in his hometown for the homeless. Or better yet, I’d talk to Sebastian and the guys about maybe all of us investing in starting something like that on our own.

For my mother.

Maybe if she’d had someplace to go, a way to get out of the abusive marriage and been able to take care of herself, she wouldn’t have died so young.

My chest actually felt lighter.

It was a start.

Maybe I was finally on my way to getting my shit together.

***

It had been three weeks since I spent my last night in my childhood home. I’d been working out of our main office in DC. We each had a small space near where we lived, but being that I was up in the air with where I wanted to settle down, I was making this my home space for now.

We were looking at some potential cases along with interviewing potential guys to add to the team, and for the most part, that was keeping me busy. I put one of the case files down and scrubbed a hand over my face.

“Too much damn reading,” I murmured.

Deciding I needed to refresh my coffee, I got up and went to the kitchenette. There was no one in there, but clearly there had been earlier—there were dishes in the sink and magazines scattered all over the table. I made a mental note to talk to the staff about cleaning up after themselves.

With a fresh mug in my hand, I turned to leave, but one of the magazine covers caught my eye.

Evangeline.

I knew I should have kept walking—just ignored it. But I couldn’t. Placing my mug down on the table, I picked up the magazine and just took a minute to look at her. It was a current edition, and the article talked about how filming was done on the movie and how she was already generating some serious Oscar buzz for her work.

Good for her.

And I really meant it.

I watched how hard she worked and was blown away by her talent. I was proud of her. It only made sense that Hollywood would see it too. Evangeline was on the cusp of having the serious career she had always wanted and doing away with her teen-idol image.

The magazine fell from my hands as it hit me—we were no different. All the time we’d spent together, and I had mocked her, her talent, her life. She was exactly like me—trying to shake off the image that everyone had of her and becoming the person she really was and always wanted to be.

How could I have missed that? How did I not see it?

Leaving the magazine where it fell, I made my way back to my office and slammed the door. Sometimes I was my own worst enemy. I needed to do something. I needed… I just wanted… I sighed.

Her. I just wanted Evangeline.

I needed to apologize.

I needed to show her that I was wrong.

But I knew it was going to take more than a phone call. She could easily refuse my call or have someone take a message and then never call me back. No, I needed to do something more. Words were her living. Words were easy. I needed to show her—really show her—what she meant to me.

I sat and wracked my brain and played back every conversation we’d had when it hit me. Inspired, I turned to the computer and began to search. Leave it to Evangeline to form an attachment to something so obscure, so random, that there was only one place in the damn country you could get it.

It took longer than I thought, but I made the call and was assured it would be delivered to her on Friday. That was two days away, so I had to deal with that, but I knew it would be worth it.

And in that moment, that one exact moment where the phone call ended and I relaxed back in my chair, I felt something I had never felt before.

Hope.

And it felt really damn good.

A knock on the door a few minutes later brought me out of my reverie. “Come in.”

Levi poked his head in the door. “Hey, how’s it going?”

I knew he wasn’t asking for any specifics, but I couldn’t help but smile. “Good,” I said. “What’s going on?”

“Well, I know you’re sort of a man without a country—so to speak—and we got an inquiry today about a potential new client.”

“O-kay,” I said slowly, unsure of where he was going with this.

“We’ve been kind of lucky that we’ve all been able to stay fairly local. This one takes us out of the DC, Maryland, and Virginia area. Would you be interested in checking it out?”

I shrugged. “I really don’t have anything keeping me here. What kind of case is it?”

“Something that we’re all looking for—some basic security. No drama. No danger. I think they may just be looking for someone to help them get something set up, but I got a feeling they might be open to hiring someone full time.”

That piqued my curiosity—and my suspicion. “You trying to get rid of me?”

Levi chuckled. “Hell no. I think this could give us the perfect opportunity to branch out more. Open more offices. Who knows, eventually we could have locations all over the country.”

The idea was certainly appealing. “You sure you want me to go? I’m not really the business guy. I can go in there and get a job done, but normally you or Seb go in and do the sales pitch.”

“Cole,” Levi said, leveling me with a stare, “you are more than capable of doing this.” Then he shrugged. “Of course, if you’d rather skip a trip to New York and a weekend at the Plaza…”

“Wait, wait, wait.” I interrupted. “The Plaza? Seriously?”

“Okay, maybe not the Plaza, but have you ever been to New York?”

I shook my head.

“When was the last time you even took a vacation?”

“Hell if I know…”

“Do you want to take care of this or not?” he asked with mock exasperation. “We’ve all taken some personal time—except you. I think you can totally handle the initial contact with these people and then take a little time for yourself.”

I knew Evangeline was staying in New York right now, so maybe, just maybe, I could kill two birds with one stone. I could take care of this business and then look her up—preferably close to the time she received my gift.

I looked at Levi as I stood and extended my hand. “Done.”