CHAPTER NINETEEN
My hospital stay was just long enough to refuse admission again when the paramedics’ sedative wore off. Derrek was ready and waiting by my side when I came to, and once we’d talked to a doctor, I was on my meds and out again, fluttering my eyes open on Derrek’s couch after the triazolam wore off.
I blinked against the dim light of the tall black floor lamps across the room. The leather was surprisingly hot against my bare arms, and I guessed Derrek had cranked the heat for my benefit.
I pushed myself slowly upwards and turned to plant my feet on the floor, giving the room a careful scan. It looked exactly the way it always did, all hard edges and sharp design hiding soft comfort and daydreamy warmth from anyone who didn’t get too close. Standing, I took slow steps toward the kitchen and made it halfway to the fridge before I slumped sideways to the floor with a thud.
I clenched my eyes shut, a ghoulish vision of Diana pointing a gun to my head filling the darkness before I felt my body being pulled up from the smooth wood of Derrek’s floor until I was more or less upright, my legs still limp in front of me.
Derrek’s legs, bare and tan, swam into sight as I opened my eyes and released a shaky breath. He sat behind me, his heels planted on the ground as I lay reclined against his bare chest, his skin like fire against the back of my neck. His arms wrapped around my uncomfortably limp body.
“Too much too soon, babe,” he said steadily, his rich voice pulling me slowly out of my stupor and into reality. I turned my head to rest my cheek against Derrek’s chest, letting his body heat course across my hungry skin.
I lifted my arms weakly to rest my palms on Derrek’s knees as he shifted behind me. Slowly, with one finger, I traced tiny circles in lazy patterns across his leg, skin barely touching skin, while he ran careful fingers through my hair every few seconds.
“I love you,” Derrek said suddenly behind me, his body tensing into knots.
“I love you, too,” I said, barely more than a whisper.
I pushed myself upward into a slouch and watched in my periphery as Derrek stood and circled to appear in front of me, his arm outstretched. I took his hand and he lifted me slowly off the cool wood floor, one arm pulling me in at the waist, the other searching for a way to tangle our fingers together in some clumsy dance.
“This feels gross,” I mumbled as we made our way slowly toward the bedroom.
“This is gross,” he surged. “I hate that all this happened to you because of me.”
I brushed my free hand along the top of the couch as we walked, the leather already cold and biting again. When there was no couch left to brush against, I let my arm swing gently beside me until we reached Derrek’s bed.
We sat on the edge beside each other, fingers still tangled tightly between us as we fell backwards. I could feel Derrek’s eyes on me, his unspoken concern thick and heavy in his dark lashes. I squeezed Derrek’s hand as tightly as I could and turned my head to face him. The light was dim, but it was enough to catch his clenched jaw, his taut shoulders, the weight of the night behind his eyes.
“Don’t blame yourself. You’re a victim, too,” I mumbled.
“Aiden, you almost died. And I—those other guys, because of me—”
“Because of her,” I said quietly, and his hand tensed and released in mine, tears spilling down his cheeks.
“At least I know now why none of them responded when I tried to reach out,” he said.
Derrek turned his head to look straight up, but I knew I was right. Diana was the reason he was alone. Part of the reason, anyway.
“You didn’t take her deal,” he finally said, as if reading my mind.
He let go of my hand and vaulted to his feet, bending to pull something from under his bed. I lifted my head off the plush warmth of Derrek’s sheets to find him sitting cross-legged at my feet, a small box on the floor between us.
His memory box.
My stomach twisted as I pulled my legs up onto the bed and moved to lay on my side, using one hand as a too-small pillow while the other flopped over the edge of the mattress. Derrek opened the box and began rummaging through it, pulling out the letters and photos from his family in Mexico.
He flipped the lid down again and tapped it thoughtfully a few times before meeting my eyes and standing, disappearing into the bathroom before returning a minute later with an empty metal garbage can and a barbecue lighter.
He set the can down and emptied the box into it before ripping the box into smaller chunks of cardboard. My head spun as I bolted upright, my feet slamming onto the ground.
“It’s fine,” Derrek said before lighting a final piece of cardboard with the barbecue lighter, tossing it into the can and crossing the room to open a window. “They got the money they were chasing me for.”
He paused at the window, his tight grip on the window-sill melting into a soft brush of skin on wood before he let out a deep breath and crawled over his bed to sit beside me again.
“But you—”
“Of course I wouldn’t,” I said. “I don’t think there’s a me without you anymore.”
Derrek’s mouth fell into a soft ‘O’, the first time since I’d come to on his couch I’d seen any part of him relax. The smell of burning paper started to fill the room as soft tendrils of smoke coiled upwards beside us.
“You were all I could think about tonight, Derrek. I had no phone, no photo to help me snap out of my panic attack. I only had you. I only wanted to get back to you.”
“Aiden…”
“Aiden, what? It’s true. I haven’t talked to my dad since I was eighteen and he finally blamed me out loud for the accident. I don’t have any other family. For a while, it was just me, and then it was me and Olly, and I love him, but not the way I love you, Derrek. You’re it. We’re it. I couldn’t die without telling you I love you,” I panted, all the air leaving my lungs as I rushed to say everything before I fell to lay flat on my back.
I felt Derrek get up and heard his bare feet padding out of the room before an angry spraying sound filled my ears. I looked down my nose at Derrek standing over the garbage can with a small fire extinguisher. He gave me a sheepish grin as he rested his back against the wall behind him and slid slowly to the ground, his legs splayed out in front of him, the fire extinguisher against the wall beside him.
“I guess that was kind of dramatic,” he said, stifling the barest hint of laughter.
“It kind of was, but I get it,” I said. “You’re bad at feelings.”
“I’m great at feelings!” Derrek shouted. “You just…you do things to me.”
I smiled at the ceiling, goosebumps rising and falling in a wave across my skin, the tips of my fingers and toes buzzing with the force of his words. I pulled a pillow from above my head as I moved to stand up and threw it at Derrek, who caught it at the last second, his signature grin spreading across his face.
“I’m starting to feel better,” I said. “Mind if I shower?”
Derrek scoffed.
“Like I’d say no to you being wet and naked.”
“Great,” I said, pulling my clothes off and tossing them across the bed to land in a clumsy pile in Derrek’s lap. I peeled off my underwear, a modest pair of black boxer-briefs, slowly in the threshold of the bathroom door and stretched them over my thumb, sending them flying across the room.
Derrek caught them deftly with one hand, his eyes filling with a dark hunger. I gave him a coy smile as he stood to circle the bed before planting a chaste kiss on his lips and pushing him backwards to lock the bathroom door.
“Tease!” Derrek shouted from the other side of the bathroom door.
I laughed as I turned on the water and climbed into the shower.
He had no idea.
But he was about to find out.