I felt drained, but I couldn't deny how good it felt to just cry, to just stand in the one pair of arms that had always provided me the most comfort and sob until I was thirsty and weak and my head ached.

Joshua had stood silently, holding me until the meltdown passed. I knew darn well he'd shed some tears of his own, but he was quick to whisk them away before I caught on. His final words, just before I crumpled into a blubbering mess, assured me what I already knew. Joshua had suffered greatly in these past four years. His physical pain during the reconstruction of his hand was nothing more than a scratch compared to the emotional pain. We had all been so numb and dumbstruck at the funeral, we'd walked around like robots, moving stiffly, unable to make conversation or even look each other in the eye. It seemed we were all just trying not to splinter apart into a million pieces. I was vaguely aware of Joshua's presence. They had let him out of the hospital for a few hours to attend the service. And as little as I remember of that awful day, I remember him standing there, leaning on his dad for support and vice versa, and he looked like a kid again. He looked lost and sad and shell shocked and young. Too young to experience so much pain and regret.

Joshua had followed me back to my apartment just to make sure I got home all right. He climbed the stairs behind me to my door on the second floor. I put my key in the lock and turned around to face him. "Will you stay? Just until I fall asleep," I added quickly.

"Of course I'll stay." Even the deep sound of his voice soothed me. I turned back to the key. "My apartment is pretty shabby, just to warn you. It's a studio, so I sleep in a sofa bed. And now I wish I'd made that darn bed this morning." I opened the door and turned on the light.

Joshua stood in the small front room, his long hair crisscrossing his shoulders and looking every bit the hunky rock star with his smoldering blue gaze, tattoos and heavy facial hair. As much as it seemed Emily was always trying to change him, I knew she was head over heels in love with the man. Wild long hair and all. There was no way not to be. It was hard to believe he was standing in the center of my crummy apartment. As much as I thought about him, I was sure I would never see him again.

"I have some terrible tasting wine in the refrigerator." I shuffled into the kitchen, suddenly the nervous hostess who had an unexpected guest show up at her door.

"No. If you have some soda, I'm good with a coke."

"Diet all right?" I opened the refrigerator.

His nose did that little shuffle to the side that every man did when I offered a diet soda.

"I'll put lots of ice in the glass, and you won't even miss the sugar." I grabbed a glass from the cupboard and poured him the soda. "Make yourself comfortable. Sorry, but the couch disappears when I go to sleep."

"Rebel, stop. You must think I'm living in some grand manor or something." He sat on one side of the bed and scooted back to lean against the couch pillows I had stuffed between the mattress and the back of the couch. It was a makeshift headboard that worked great for reading in bed and watching my tiny shoe box sized television set.

"I'm just going to go into the bathroom and change. And put my treasured shirt away in its special place."

Joshua laughed. "You don't really have a special place for that relic?"

"No." I smiled as I handed him the soda. "Only in my heart." I rushed into the bathroom to brush my teeth, wash my face and pull on my oversized sleeping t-shirt. It had a picture of Einstein on the front. The wild-haired genius stared back at me from the mirror as I swept a comb through my hair.

I headed back out to the bed and realized that nothing had changed. I hadn't seen Joshua in a few years, but I still felt comfortable with him, like we'd been meeting up all this time instead of sitting off in our own corners of the world trying to absorb the past.

I held out my arms to model my shirt. "I bought it with the hopes that I might wake up just a little smarter each morning. And I think it works."

"Shit, if I get a shirt with Bill Gates on the front, maybe I could wake up a little smarter and a little richer each morning."

I crawled onto the bed to sit next to Joshua and leaned against my seat cushion headboard. "Where are you living?"

"My dad's house. I'm slowly bringing it back to its former glory, which isn't saying much."

I realized so far everything had been about me. Typical Rebecca style, I silently chastised myself and my propensity to be utterly selfish. "Josh, I'm sorry about your dad. For awhile, after the shock and grief lessened, Michelle and I were still sending each other postcards when I was in Europe. She told me about his death."

I watched Joshua drink his soda and got temporarily distracted by the movement of his throat as he swallowed.

He put the glass down on the small end table and rolled his head to look at me. "At least I had a few years to prepare for losing him. It's way different when you're not expecting it. I was just mad at myself for not being there more for him at the end. I was too busy feeling sorry for myself. Drowning my thoughts in whiskey and enough weed to take down an African elephant." He looked down at his hand. The fingers were all there but they had a lot of dips and bends that weren't natural. "Especially after the doctors cut me off the painkillers. I hate to say it, but those damn little pills helped me forget things for awhile. What a fucking sap I was trying to escape everything like that."

I reached over and covered his hand with mine. I curled my fingers between the scars and twisted knuckles.

He laughed quietly. "I still remember sitting in the exam room with all the x-rays hanging up around me on those lit up panels. Three doctors in their lab coats scratching their chins and looking unenthusiastic about tackling the mess. One of them, a cocky young guy who looked like he'd never had a hard or hungry day in his life, turned to me with a smile and said, 'I sure hope you're not an artist or musician'."

"What a jerk? What did you say?"

“I shook my head and said, ‘Not anymore, I guess.’”

I lifted his hand to get a closer look. The knuckles were all there, but the middle one stuck up a lot higher than the others. When his fingers curled down, they crossed each other at the tips. "Are you able to play at all?" If I hadn't already poured out every tear in my body I was sure I would have cried again. Anyone who knew Joshua knew that he was an entirely different person with a guitar in his hands. Music flowed from his fingers like it was stored inside of him. I used to love to watch his band practice.

"Remember when I used to tease you, saying that you looked like you were in a trance when you played?" I asked.

"I remember."

I was still holding his hand, but he carried our clutched hands over to his mouth and kissed the back of my knuckles. "I remember everything about that bratty teenager I appropriately nicknamed Rebel." I could still feel the warmth of his kiss on my knuckles as he lowered our hands.

I yawned and stretched. "After working two jobs, I'm exhausted. I'm kind of glad I don't have to go back to my night job. "

"You're welcome."

"Even though I could have handled myself just fine with that jerk."

"Uh huh."

I rested my head against his shoulder. "Ol' Joshua, still always coming to my rescue. I've got to work tomorrow, so I won't keep you. I'll just take my pill to sleep." I reached over him to get the pills off my nightstand.

Joshua wrapped his arm around my back and pulled me around and into his lap. "And why do you need pills to sleep?"

I leaned my head against his shoulder, immediately relaxing against him. I'd missed so much about him, his voice, the smell of his skin. I couldn't stop myself from reveling in his embrace.

"I have a hard time falling asleep sometimes. Even when I'm dead tired. Like tonight. I've had the problem for many years." I refused to let my mind go back to that time when my insomnia started. I was with Joshua, safe and sound in my apartment.

"Let me see if I can help you skip the pill tonight." Joshua's hand smoothed over my back, along the soft cotton fabric of my shirt.

I purred in satisfaction. He continued caressing me and started humming one of my favorite Nick Cave songs. I'd forgotten how amazing he sounded, even when he was just humming. My body relaxed against him. I nestled closer, trying to breathe in his masculine scent, trying to hear his heartbeat. Each stroke of his hand sent warmth unfurling through me. He wasn't touching my breasts, but my nipples pushed urgently against the t-shirt wanting to be included.

I arched my back hoping he'd get the hint. Joshua was always good at reading my mind. His beard brushed my face as he kissed my forehead. "My sweet Rebel," he said quietly as he slipped his free hand under my t-shirt. I could feel the scars on his palm as he smoothed it over my breasts. I turned my head and pressed my mouth against the fabric of his shirt and mewled a sound I'd been keeping buried deep in my throat.

The tiredness in my head and body had heated into a luxurious state of arousal. The pulse that throbbed through me now centered in the heat of my pussy. And this wasn't just a lover or a man I dated between bouts of going crazy from loneliness. This was Joshua.

"I've daydreamed about this," I said quietly, too heady with the pleasure of it to express the words distinctly. "I've daydreamed about you touching me, Joshua. I should be embarrassed to admit it, but I'm not."

"I've thought about touching you often. I'd already memorized the feel of your skin and the curves of your body without ever laying my hands on you." His thumb circled my nipple as I pushed against his hand.

He began his low, sexy hum again. His hard body vibrated beneath me with each note. His beard brushed against my face as he ran his palm down over my belly and beneath my panties. There was no hesitation. Not from either of us. Even with a tiny voice telling me this wasn't right, it was impossible to turn off the physical stirrings. Especially when everything about it felt so damn right.

I let my thighs fall open as his fingers slipped between the folds of my pussy. The humming slowed to a halting series of groans as the feel of my pussy seemed to push the breath from him.

"Fuck, Rebel, why did you stay away from me so long?" His finger impaled me. I arched my back to take it in deeper. I cried out as he thumbed my clit into a heated frenzy.

I gripped his shirt and rocked against the pressure of his hand. I clamped my thighs around his hand and turned my face against his shirt, drowning in his incredibly familiar scent as my body trembled with an orgasm. He kissed my forehead again as the waves of ecstasy shook me to the core.

"Why did you stay away? I fucking needed you, Rebel. I needed you then. I need you now." His words floated around me as my pulse and breathing slowed.

"I needed you too," I whispered as I curled into the safe cradle of his arms and fell asleep.