December 31st

 

“I’M SORRY I HAVEN’T come by to see you.”

I exhaled a frozen breath as I looked up at the clouds looming overhead. This was a conversation I’d needed to have for a while. I just wasn’t sure how to do it. It felt like I was betraying my best friend. Family meant everything to Mike, and I was here asking for permission to take his. I glanced down at the granite stone and stared at the name. Michael Carson Shuler.

“I know you can see us. I know you’re there. I need to tell you that I would never do this to you if you were still alive. I would never have betrayed you or our friendship. But you’re gone. I need to know that you’re okay with this, Mike.”

I shoved my hands in my pockets and, with my foot, nudged the small granite rocks Grace and Chloe placed here whenever they came to visit.

“I love her, Mike. I’ve fallen in love with her. I’ve been denying it to myself for far too long and it all came down on me like a ton of bricks. There’s no way for me to find out if you’re okay with this, but I hope that you are. I hope that you know I will take care of Grace and Chloe. I love them both. You’re her only dad, regardless if you’re here physically or not. I’ll try to be the best damn stand-in I can be. I know I’ll never replace you. I’ll never replace you with Grace either. I know going into this that you were her first choice. I wouldn’t even be an option had you still been here. I’d probably be with Megan by now if that were the case. But you’re gone. I wish that wasn’t true. I wish with everything in me that none of us had been forced to endure your loss, but I can’t bring you back to life. There isn’t a day that goes by that you’re not missed, but I love her, Mike. I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I think she wants to try to see where things go. I’m not a hundred percent sure here, but I get the feeling she might feel something for me. I promise to take care of her. I promise to never hurt her. I would never let anything bad happen to her. I need to know you’re okay with this.”

My shoulders fell as I released a sigh.

“There’s no way of knowing if you’re okay with this, but if things progress the way I hope, there will be a day when I might ask her to marry me. It won’t be anytime soon, but I need you to be open to this concept.”

I covered my face with my hands.

“God, I wish I could just talk to you. I don’t want to feel guilty, Mike.”

I tore my hands away from my face and glanced back at the clouds.

“I feel so guilty. Every time I take her out to dinner or drinks. Every time I sit with Chloe and talk about her day or what books she’s reading. The guilt is always there. It’ll kill me one day, I’m sure, but letting this chance with Grace slip by would kill me even quicker.”

I looked back down at his headstone.

“I can see how easy it is to love her. If she has even the slightest of feelings for me at all, I don’t think you’d want her to ignore that. I think you’d want her to be happy.”

I shoved my hands back in my pockets.

“Just don’t hate me for doing this. Don’t hate me for loving her. But most of all, please, don’t hate her if she shares these feelings for me too.”

I reached out and rested my hand on top of the smooth, dark granite.

“I will be whatever she needs me to be and I promise to never hurt your family. I love her. I just need your permission to tell her. I’m asking your permission to be all I can for her and for them. I’m asking to be a part of her life if she asks me to.”

I turned around slowly, feeling the guilt of turning my back on my best friend. Maybe I would get over the guilt one day.

“I’m sorry, Mike. I’m so sorry.”

There was nothing left I could say. I’d said everything that was in my heart. Now I could do the same to Grace. If she pushed me away, if she didn’t share the same feelings, then I would move on. I would respect her wishes. But I had to know one way or the other. I had to see if what she and I shared was something more than a friendship. It was time that she knew I cared more for her than just being a friend. If I had to be honest with myself, then I had to be honest with her. I wouldn’t go so far as to tell her I loved her tonight, but I would definitely tell her something and it would change things. I would either be able to call her mine, or I would lose her forever. Both scenarios scared me equally, but at least I knew if I could have her in my arms, I could do anything.

—

My heart pounded against my chest. My stomach turned and I felt like hurling. I pulled over and parked one street down from her front door. And then I sat. I could see her house from here. A house I’d visited many times before, but this time felt different. This time it felt like I was meeting the love of my life for the first time. I gripped the steering wheel in my hands and forced myself to breathe.

In through the nose; out through the mouth.

Why am I so fucking nervous?

In through the nose; out through the mouth.

It’s just Grace.

Gracie.

I imagined her stepping out in a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, her hair tied up in a messy bun. She would probably smell like antiseptic and a hint of bleach. Totally unattractive. I exhaled and realized none of that mattered. She was still beautiful.

She had told me she’d bought a dress for today. When was the last time I’d seen her in a dress? Oh, right, it had been at her husband’s funeral.

I shook my head and reminded myself I was doing this for Mike. He wouldn’t want her with anyone else. He wanted her happy. I released my grip on the steering wheel and shifted my truck into drive. A snail could have moved faster than the speed at which I drove, but eventually I pulled up to her house and wiped my palms on my dark jeans, straightened my black button-down shirt. I checked my hair in the mirror, feeling vulnerable and exposed without my signature cowboy hat. At least I was wearing my boots. I could do this. I opened the door and stepped out of my truck. Pulling my coat closed, I stared up at the clouds and wondered if tonight would be a night of major snow … and other things.

As I got closer to her front door, all of the worry slowly faded. A narrow chunk of wood separated me from my fate. Maybe I was wrong about all of this and she only wanted to stay friends, but I had to give it a shot. I would take that risk if it meant even a chance at spending my life with her. If it wasn’t meant to be, then it wasn’t meant to be. I would survive.

I exhaled, lifted my fist to the door, and knocked three times. I lowered my arm and exhaled again. Please help me, Mike.

The door opened as if in slow motion. I smiled even before I saw her, but when my eyes connected with hers everything inside of me melted. Her hair wasn’t tied up in a bun today, but instead waved loosely over her shoulders with her blonde curls cascading down. Her black dress hung slightly off her shoulders, the rounded neck scooping down just low enough to catch the eye but still remain classy. The sleeves reached down to her wrists, but the actual length of the dress seemed much shorter. If she bent over …

She appeared to have grown about four inches since last I saw her. I wanted her to wear those shoes all night. She could remove everything else, so long as she kept on those shoes. I shook myself out of my adolescent lust when I saw her staring at me like something was wrong. I knew I had to say something. I had to let her know nothing was wrong. Absolutely nothing was wrong.

“Um … I thought you were going to wear flats?” These were the only words I could form. My intellect was really shining at this moment.

“I brought them with me.” She lifted her hand to reveal a pair of flats dangling from her fingertips. “I figured I could change into them after dinner. We are still going to dinner, right?”

I smiled. “I wouldn’t want to keep you from your food.”

“You know me so well.” She laughed, placing her hand on my arm. A feeling overwhelmed me at her touch and I wondered how the hell I would be able to keep my hands off of her.

“Oh, look. I have something I wanted to show you,” she said, still clutching my arm as she pulled me inside. “I took your advice. Aren’t you proud?”

I looked toward the back of the house and found her blinds closed.

“I’m very proud,” I said looking back at her.

She grinned and hugged my arm.

“I’m starving. Where are we going?” she asked, releasing my arm to walk out the door.

“Somewhere close,” I said as I followed her outside. She tucked her purse under her arm and pulled the door shut. “Where’s your coat?”

“Oh, I’m not going to worry about it. I doubt there will be anywhere to put a coat down at Dixie’s. Even if there were a place, my coat would probably end up covered in beer.”

She locked the door, turned around, and headed toward the car. I took a brief second to stare at her ass. My God, she looked amazing in those heels. I snapped out of my reverie.

“Wait,” I called out to her.

She froze and turned around. Her eyes widened as I ran up behind her.

“What’s wrong?” she asked.

I brushed against her body as I positioned myself between her and the car door. “It’s taken all of my willpower not to do this every time we’re together. That stops tonight.”

I gazed down at her pink glossed lips. Her eyes flickered between my eyes and lips.

“What is it you want to do?” Her chest rose and fell with the same speed of my heart.

“This.” I leaned forward, my face close to hers. I heard the breath catch in her throat just before I grabbed the truck’s handle to open the door for her.

She let out a long breath, equal parts relief and disappointment. “Oh, it’s a gentleman kind of night.”

She took my hand and I helped her step up into my truck.

“You have no idea how hard it was to not be a gentleman around you,” I said, taking off my coat and laying it across her lap.

“Well, what’s that for?” she asked, gesturing at my coat.

“Well, my truck is old and the heater kind of kicks out, so I don’t want you to get chilly. Also …” I exhaled while covering all of her legs. “I don’t think we’ll make it very far if I have to stare at those legs of yours for the entire drive.”

Her mouth slacked as she registered my words. I shut the door behind her before she could respond and walked around to the driver’s side. All my nervousness completely vanished. I wanted her and I was going to do everything in my power to get her. I hopped into my truck, and as soon as I put it into drive, she reached for my hand. As our fingers laced together, I realized I had no idea where this night would take us, but I knew with her hand in mine, anything was possible.