Ana sat at her desk and created art for a childcare center brochure while I thumbed through a magazine for the third time. We had several hours before we could go and see Nate, and I was feeling keyed up and fidgety. I’d already been over to Mona’s to water her plants and check on the house. I wanted it to be perfect when she came home today.

Grace had left an hour ago to pick her up. I’d wanted to go too, but those girls were too smart for my good. They knew I’d break the rules and sneak in to see Nate.

I stood and walked the floor in front of the window until Ana closed her computer and came to stand in front of me, blocking my path.

“You’re wound as tight as a spring. I’m going to take a shower. Find something to do besides wear a path in the hardwood floor.” She tiptoed up and kissed me sweetly.

I paced a few more times and decided to put my unspent energy to work. There were still a few items that needed repair, number one being the board that I stubbed my toe on every night when I climbed into our bed. Our bed had a nice ring to it.

With a hammer and nails in my hand, I tapped on the floorboards next to the bed. When I hit the end of one board, the entire thing lifted to reveal a little girl’s treasures. I’d somehow forgotten that Sparrow was the first one to show me the old loose board and the special things she hid underneath it.

I lifted the plank and pulled out the items a four-year-old girl deemed important. There was a Barbie doll and a Highlights magazine. I laughed when I pulled out GI Joe’s backpack and weapon stash. Sparrow had always hid the items that made Joe an action figure instead of a doll. I slid my hand farther under the floor and pulled out a small tackle box.

It seemed weird going through someone’s belongings, but I couldn’t help myself. I flipped the latch up and opened the lid. Inside was a treasure trove of everything from baby shoes to pictures. She’d even saved the yarn and noodle necklace I made her for Christmas. I sprayed it gold, and she thought it was the prettiest thing in the world. Although in her words it sounded more like perdiest thing in the wold.

I pulled everything out one piece at a time. There was a movie ticket stub for Anastasia, and it brought back a memory of her telling me that she would be the pwincess, and I’d be her pwince.

At the bottom of the box, there was a picture of woman I recognized, but I couldn’t place the face. I turned it over, and written on the back was “Grandma A” in blue crayon. A kid’s barely legible scribble. Sparrow was a smart kid and could read and write by the time she was four.

Sadness clenched my heart because she’d had so much potential, and it had all been lost. I glanced at the picture again and shook my head. There was no telling why Grandma A looked familiar. I tossed everything back in the box and latched it shut. I considered putting it back under the floorboards and nailing it closed forever, but I didn’t. This was all that was left of the little girl who had filled my dreams and nightmares.

Instead, I hammered the floorboard in place and brought the box to Ana’s desk. When I put it down, I knocked her keyboard to the floor, and a paper floated like a leaf on the wind to my boots.

My knees creaked when I kneeled to pick it up. It was a photo, and I almost fell over when I saw who was in it. Standing beside the woman I recognized clearly as Grandma A was Sparrow, but she was not the four-year-old I’d lost in a firefight. This Sparrow was older. This Sparrow had survived.

I glanced around the room filled with birds. Fire raced through my veins. I knew. I stormed down the hall to the bathroom.

Ana’s contacts and solution sat on the counter. Her clothes littered the floor. I wrenched back the curtain and looked into her startled eyes—one blue, one brown—and my heart carpet-bombed my chest cavity.

“You fucking bitch. You knew and said nothing. How could you?” I grabbed her wrist and pulled her from the tub.

She stood dripping water on the yellowed flooring. Her eyes flashed toward her contacts and grew big. “I can explain.”

“Get dressed now.” I wasn’t sure whether I should stay or go. One was dangerous for her, the other dangerous for me. I turned and stomped down the hall.

Her sobs echoed through the walls.

I covered my ears and screamed. How could she have done this to me? She was alive, and she’d never reached out. I paced tiny circles waiting and waiting and waiting for her to dare to face me. For her to dish some half-assed excuse. For some reason.  

Eventually, Sparrow entered the living room. Tears spilled down her cheeks. She opened her mouth to speak, but I held up my hand. I didn’t want her excuses. I wanted the damn truth.

“Do you have any idea how thinking you died affected me? It ruined my fucking life. How could you not have said anything?”

“I’m sorry.” She collapsed to the floor, and I wanted to run to help her, but I couldn’t. She’d been dead to me for years, and she’d be dead to me again.

“I just found out.” She pleaded with her eyes. Those crazy eyes I’d loved as a kid. “I swear. Mona fell, and she saw my eyes, and she knew. I didn’t want to believe it, but I found my name-change petition—”

“I don’t want any more of your lies.” I stepped back and looked out the window where everything looked the same. But it wasn’t. Everything had changed. Nothing would be the same. “That was two days ago, and you didn’t say anything. Why?”

“Because—” She buried her head in her hands. “—I loved you—” Sobs racked her shoulders. “—too much to hurt you again.”

I hurt too much to trust again. “Love me? You lied to me.” The last time I was this angry, I’d pushed a man out of a second-story window and killed him. “You covered your eyes so I couldn’t tell.”

“I’ve covered my eyes since junior high school when I got teased so bad I wanted to die.” She crawled over to me and threw her head against my legs. “I was going to tell you at the lake, but then the call came, and you were so happy. I couldn’t take away that moment of peace you had knowing Nate was going to be okay.”

I peeled her from my body and watched her crumple to the floor. Somehow I still wanted to reach out and hold her, but she’d betrayed me. She’d taken what was left of my heart, brought it back to life, then squeezed it dry. I walked to the door with a calm I didn’t feel.

“Should I call you Ana or Sparrow? Either way, the message is the same. Stay the hell away from me.” I yanked the door open and looked back to her lying on the floor. “Don’t ever talk to me again,” I said. “I’m just going to keep believing you’re dead.”

* * *

I had no idea how I made it back to the hospital with my eyes clouded over in anger. People say they see red when they’re pissed off. I’d yelled so loud that the capillaries in my eyes burst, and I was truly seeing red when I glanced in the mirror.

When I walked into Nate’s room, the bed was empty, and a sinking feeling settled into my stomach. The young nurse who had cared for him yesterday entered the barren space.

“They’ve taken him back to surgery. He’s thrown a clot.” Her eyes fell to the floor. “It doesn’t look good.”

The rage that had been geared toward Ana now spiked to new heights and surged forward. “When will the universe give me a damn break?” I picked the pillow up from the bed and threw it across the room. It hit the wall with such force that the hand sanitizer fell from its bracket and crashed to the floor.

The nurse backed out of the room. Her eyes looked left and right into the hallway as if searching for help. “I’m so sorry.” She stepped aside and gave me a pleading look. “You can wait in the lounge, and I’ll keep you posted on his progress.”

“You want me to wait so you can come tell me he’s dead?” I rushed to the door and gripped the doorframe. “I’m not sitting around for more bad news.” I’d had enough. I’d waited enough. I’d wished enough. Nothing ever went my way. I’d trusted the system, and it had screwed me over and over again. “People can’t keep hurting me or the ones I love and have it mean nothing. Someone has to pay for this.” I released my hold on the doorframe and threw myself into the hallway. “Sheriff Stuart, you fucking bastard, I’m coming for you.”