Brooklyn

A celebratory atmosphere surrounds me as I stand at Wes’ side, scanning the large room in an upscale restaurant on the Waterfront of Boston. Waitstaff in bow ties circle the space, carrying trays of hors d’oeuvres and champagne. This is supposed to be our rehearsal dinner, a small gathering of wedding party members, after going through the ceremony for tomorrow. I should have known Mrs. Bradford would turn it into a huge event. There’s over a hundred people in attendance. If this is just the rehearsal dinner, I shudder to consider how long the guest list is for the actual ceremony.

I force a smile as I listen to Wes go on about one of his latest designs. I should be interested in what he does for a living, but it’s like he’s speaking a foreign language. It’s all he’s talked about since we arrived here over an hour ago. Now, as I watch him joke and laugh with several of his high-paying clients, the Wes I thought I was marrying nowhere to be found in this complete stranger standing next to me, I’ve never felt so invisible.

As I shift my gaze around our semi-circle, I observe the women clinging to their husband’s arm. They all wear the same expression. Tight lips. Small smile. Vacant eyes. Like they’ve resigned themselves to a life of only being known as the wife of someone, not as who they are. Do they know who they are? Or have they lost their identity to the man they married? I shiver at the thought of that happening to me. A voice inside tells me perhaps it already has. I’ve already agreed to give some thought to resigning from my job so I can focus on grad school. How much longer until Wes convinces me to step away from that, as well, so I can accompany him on the multitude of business trips that are scheduled over the next several months?

Removing my hand from Wes’ arm, I quietly slip away, not interrupting their conversation. Part of me hopes my departure will force him to stop, maybe ask if I’m okay. But he doesn’t. Instead, the circle of men closes, swallowing up where I just stood, as if I’d never been there in the first place.

Needing something stronger than champagne to quiet the doubt filling me, I head to the bar. The instant I approach, a bartender sets a napkin on the counter.

“What can I get you?”

“Three fingers of the best scotch you have. Neat.”

He lifts a brow, then turns, reaching for a dark bottle on the top shelf. His height helps him grab it with little effort. When he returns, he places a rocks glass in front of me and pours. “Rough night?” He pushes it toward me.

“Rough couple of decades, I suppose.”

“I’ll have one of those, too,” a familiar voice says as I sip. I peer over my glass, my shoulders relaxing when I see my father’s girlfriend standing there.

“Ana…”

I place my drink on the counter, then wrap my arms around her, hugging her tighter than I planned. I have no one else in my life right now, other than Wes and my dad, who Ana’s been dating for the past ten years. They met in a grief support group. She’d lost her husband years ago and still has trouble coping with it occasionally. She’s been one of the best things to happen to my father. Since they started dating, he’s been less focused on me and more focused on living life. I suppose I have her to thank for that.

“Where’s Dad?” I pull back, glancing over her shoulder.

“There was a line of cars waiting to valet. He had me come in while he dealt with that.”

I laugh sarcastically. “I’m sure he’s thrilled about that. He has no patience.”

She rolls her eyes, bringing her scotch to her lips. “Ain’t that the truth.”

Silence settles between us as we stand by the bar and sip on our drinks. The party continues around us, everyone seemingly oblivious to our presence, even though I’m the guest of honor.

“So… Excited about tomorrow?” Ana asks after a while.

I swallow hard, grit out the fake smile I’ve worn all evening, and give her the same canned response I have memorized at this point. “Absolutely. Wes and I are so excited about starting our lives together.”

She studies me for a moment, then shifts her eyes around the room. “I don’t see Molly or Gigi.” She pauses. I sense what’s coming next. “Or Drew.”

Bringing my glass back to my mouth, I take a large gulp, grateful for the burn as it travels down my throat and coats my stomach. “I don’t expect them to be here.”

She scrutinizes me even longer, then gestures out the grand doors leading to the terrace overlooking the water. “Want to go outside? I could use a cigarette.”

I smile, grateful for the reprieve from my own party. “Of course.”

I know how much my father hates when she smokes. She’s tried to quit on more than one occasion, and some days, she can go without craving a single puff. But other days, when the pain of losing her husband is too much, she needs it. I don’t blame her. I’m not a smoker, but there have been quite a few times over the past few weeks I’ve considered taking it up.

Once we’re outside, I exhale a breath, basking in the June air. We’re not in the heat of the summer yet, so the temperatures are still comfortable, even a little crisp as the sun sets in the west. White party lights hang on strands overhead, making the outdoor patio inviting, but the dark clouds offshore threatening rain keep the party inside.

Ana lights a cigarette and takes a drag. I sip on my drink, looking over the ocean. I feel much less suffocated now that I’m outside, now that I’m with someone who cares about me. I can finally breathe and be me, be the Brooklyn I was before I allowed Drew to break my heart for the last time.

“I ran into Drew earlier this week,” Ana says, cutting through the silence.

I whip my eyes toward hers, unable to hide my surprise. “What?”

“Yup. When I went to get the rest of the boxes from your house, he was there.”

I blink, processing this information. “What was he doing there?” My voice is timid, as if I already know the answer.

She takes another drag off her cigarette, exhaling the smoke away from me. “My guess… Hoping to talk to you.” Her eyes lock with mine, my stomach feeling sour. The sound of a familiar laugh reaches me and I glance back inside. The expression on Wes’ face as he chuckles at something a client must have said is so fake, it makes me question everything I thought I knew about him. I feel like I don’t really know him. But do I know Drew? I’m no longer sure of that, either.

“Are you in love with him?” Ana’s voice cuts through.

“Drew? Of course not.” I lower my eyes, staring at the jewel-studded Jimmy Choo shoes Wes bought me. I’d often longed for the day I’d be able to wear some of the beautiful designer shoes Molly wrote about in her books. I didn’t think I’d ever be so lucky.

Ana’s hand lands on my forearm and I slowly lift my gaze back to hers. “I’m not talking about Drew. I’m talking about Wes, the man you’re less than twenty-four hours away from marrying.”

“Of course I do.” I swallow hard, my tone anything but convincing.

She nods, the motion almost imperceptible, particularly to anyone who doesn’t know Ana well. But I do. She’s been a permanent fixture in my life the past decade. Without so much as a word, she can sense my inner turmoil, the turmoil I’ve spent the past several weeks trying to convince myself didn’t exist. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t erase the pain of Drew’s eyes as he pleaded with me to believe him. It was so true, so compelling, so…real. More real than anything else in my life, including the love Wes claims he has for me.

“Did I ever tell you I was engaged to another man before I married Gavin?”

I slowly shake my head. “You’ve never talked about Gavin much.” I take a sip of my scotch. “Or maybe I never asked because I knew how hard it was for my father to talk about my mother.”

“That kind of loss never goes away. At first, it’s impossible to talk about without your throat feeling like it’s closing up, like the pain is drowning you and you’ll never breathe again. But, over time, it gets easier. It never disappears. You just hope to find someone to fill that missing part someday.”

“Is my father that missing part?” I arch a brow.

She considers my question, then smiles. “He is.”

A clap of thunder sounds in the distance, the wind picking up. There’s an eerie feeling in the air, a warning to all that a storm is about to descend on us. Regardless, we remain out here, ignoring the celebration raging inside.

“What was his name?” I ask after a while. “The guy you were engaged to before Gavin?”

“Lincoln.” Her complexion flushes from the mere mention of his name. “Gosh, I thought I hit the jackpot when he asked me out.” She faces me. “Before I went out with him, Gavin and I had dated off and on for years, but life always seemed to get in the way of us being together for longer than a summer fling. College. Work. Moving away. New friends. Not to mention my father didn’t exactly approve of him.”

That certainly piques my interest. I know all too well how that can be. Wes was the first guy I dated who my father actually approved of. “Why’s that?”

“Could have been any number of reasons. I’m the youngest of five children. I have four older brothers.”

“And I thought I had it bad with my father being as over-protective as he is.”

Ana laughs. “Oh, no. Take that and multiply it by four. No one was good enough for me. Regardless, I never forgot about Gavin. When I heard he’d gotten married, it hurt. Gavin was the first person I slept with. I always had this romantic notion in the back of my mind that we’d end up together. So when I learned about his marriage… I don’t know. I guess I thought I needed to settle, that it was time for me to give up on my romantic dreams since it was obvious he didn’t feel the same way about me. So I dated, but not one single person held that spark. I figured if I tried a little harder, I’d eventually learn to love them. And Lincoln… He was every girl’s dream. Handsome. Intelligent. Hardworking. Professional. Polite. The complete package. He just wasn’t my dream.”

“What happened?” I ask, my expression almost pleading with her to tell me she learned to love him, despite knowing how the story was destined to end.

“Brooklyn, sweetie…” She reaches toward me, brushing a lock of hair behind my ear. “You can’t make yourself love someone. You’re a very intelligent young woman with such a good head on your shoulders. I’ve watched you grow and mature into a young adult, into this caring, compassionate person who I’m truly blessed to have in my life. Love isn’t something you can force. Your brain can’t make your heart feel something it doesn’t. So I need you to be honest with me. No matter what, this will stay between us.”

“Okay.” My voice trembles with hesitation.

“What does your heart feel right now?”

“That I shouldn’t be here,” I answer with more honesty than I’ve spoken with in weeks.

“And your brain?”

“That Wes is a good man, that it’s time I forget about my adolescent dreams.”

“Why do you think that?”

“Wes is one of the only people in my life who’s always been honest with me, who’s never hurt me.” I struggle to reel in the tears threatening to fall, not wanting to make a scene at my own rehearsal dinner. I should be smiling and laughing as I relish in the love of the man I’m hours away from marrying, not doubt the path I’ve chosen. Not wonder if I should be on a different path, even though I’ve been down that path and it brought me nothing but pain. “He won’t make me a promise, then break it. He won’t promise me everything I’ve ever wanted, then shatter it. He won’t use me. He won’t make me feel invisible.”

“What if you learned things aren’t what they seem? What if you learned there was a very good reason Drew never showed up at your father’s house on the morning he was supposed to leave for college?”

I stiffen, inhaling a sharp breath. “How do you know about that?” I didn’t even think my father knew about that. How could he? Drew never showed up. I was so embarrassed about falling for his lies that I never told another person about what happened between us. Hell, I hadn’t even told Molly. Drew must have done that. “How—”

“Brooklyn?” a deep voice interrupts. I snap my eyes from Ana, staring into deep pools of whiskey, my taut body straightening even more.

In my mind, I like to think I was right about Drew, that he didn’t care about me, that when I pushed him away, he continued on like I didn’t matter. But as I survey his appearance and take in his disheveled hair, bloodshot eyes, and lackluster expression, I see he’s in as much pain as me, maybe more. It doesn’t matter that he’s recently shaved and put on a dress shirt and a pair of nice pants. He looks as empty as I feel.

“I’ll leave you two to talk.” Ana squeezes my bicep, giving me a small smile. “Don’t settle for less than the love you deserve. Your father won’t tell you that, but I will. Life is too short to waste it on any relationship where you don’t feel like you’re flying. You deserve to fly.” She kisses my forehead, then nods at Drew.

“Thanks,” he whispers.

“You bet. I’ll distract him for a few minutes, but I’m not sure how much time I can give you.”

His eyes lock on mine, unwavering and intense, just like everything with him. “That’s all I need.”