Chapter 24
“Push,” Jayden said. “Come on.”
“I am fucking pushing,” Fen replied through gritted teeth as she pushed her plaster-cast-covered arm against Jayden’s hand as hard as she could. She managed to move it an inch before she gave up and breathed heavily.
Jayden grinned. “That’s progress. When are they letting you out of this shithole?”
“Don’t know yet.” She used her uninjured arm and the pull-bar hanging over the bed to raise herself into a seated position. “It’s only been five weeks since the accident. I think they want to wait until the casts are off my arm and leg before they let me loose on the world at large.”
Jayden crinkled her nose. “S’pose that makes sense. But you are making progress, right?”
Fen nodded. “The cord looks to be intact, so they hope it’s just a matter of time before I regain some sensation in my legs.”
“Did they give you any idea of how long that might be?”
“No. They can’t make any promises on that. But we have hope, Jay. It’s just a matter of time, and I’ll be walking around again.”
“Climbing again?”
Fen’s smile dropped a little. “One step at a time.”
“Is the only way to get yourself up the mountain.”
“So they say.”
“So you say. You always told me that, sis.” Jayden was grateful Fen hadn’t asked her about the late-night phone call and her emotional breakdown. She knew it would come. It always did. She just wasn’t sure how to explain herself. She wasn’t sure she could.
“Tell me about the week of training,” Fen said. “I’ve been dying to know how it’s all going.”
Jayden gave her a rundown on each contestant—strengths, weaknesses, performance in the tests they’d already conducted, expectations in the ones still to come. Fen knew each climber they had been expecting. She’d long ago gotten their names and CVs from Rhian. When Fen asked about Killian, Jayden screwed up her face but gave her the run of the full story.
Fen’s face turned red and blotchy when she saw the footage of Killian attacking Rhian. And Jayden refrained from telling her about the hole that she still needed to repair in Fen’s kitchen from when she’d first seen it. She knew she could blame the damage to her hand on a rock wall rather than one made of plaster and wood, if Fen asked. The messages back and forth between Killian and Luiji had been blowing up social media since he’d posted the video of the attack and his message to Killian:
Is this what you call discrimination against you, man? Because here in the real world, we call it assaulting a woman.
It was three hours before Killian had responded, claiming the footage was faked by the studio to try to get him to drop his lawsuit. Luiji had posted a photo of himself with a caption:
Can’t fake me, man. And I’m more than happy to tell the world and the courts, because I saw everything you did. And I heard everything you said. On camera and off camera. Would you like me to share those words too?
Why are you doing this to me? That bitch treated you like shit too.
They’d traded back and forth for hours, Killian’s feed slowly devolving to a series of insults and impotent threats as Luiji fired barb after barb, telling Killian his claim of sexual harassment was bogus because no lesbian was going to try to harass his ass.
Fen whistled after she reached the end. “Christ, you don’t do things by halves, you lot.”
“Apparently not.”
“And is this working like the boss lady wants?”
Jayden nodded. “Looks like it. Rachel’s e-mail this morning said they’ve had requests for interviews about the company’s stance on women’s rights issues, violence against women, and LGBTQ rights. Looks like the client is getting the platform it was looking for in a very positive way.”
“Wow. Well, that’s something positive at least. How’s Rhian dealing with all this? It must be getting her a lot of attention. Is it causing any other problems in the group?”
Jayden sighed. “This isn’t, but there is one other issue.”
Fen waited, her expression asking the question she didn’t need to voice.
“It’s the other alternate. Brooke.”
“What about her?”
Jayden found herself stuttering as she told Fen about Brooke’s behaviour towards Rhian. About Jayden’s impulsive decision to offer her protection in the way she had. The way it had backfired with Brooke’s social media posting.
“So far, Oskar’s only put one comment on the picture.”
“Saying?”
“See for yourself.” Jayden brought up the Facebook picture on her phone and let Fen see it.
“‘When the woman you shagged last night sees her girlfriend again and ditches your ass to save her own.’” Fen read the caption out loud. “Classy piece, then.”
“You have no idea.”
“‘When the woman with a girlfriend turns down your ugly, trying-to-cheat ass, and you can’t take it. Hashtag sour grapes, hashtag needs to learn to take no for an answer, hashtag sexual predators aren’t just guys.’” Fen whistled again. “Ouch, he went for the jugular.”
“Yeah.”
“And she hasn’t responded yet?”
“No. Nothing.”
“Watch your back, sis. Okay?”
Jayden nodded. “Don’t worry about me.”
“Of course I worry about you. You look like shit, after all,” Fen said with a grin.
“For fuck’s sake.” Jayden threw her hands up in the air. “Not you too. I’ve had about enough of women telling me how crap I look lately.”
“Hey, hey, hey. I was pulling your leg. Chill.”
Jayden saw the look of confused contrition on Fen’s face and scrubbed her hands over her own. “Sorry. I overreacted. You’re right. Sorry.”
“It’s okay. It’s not like you to go off like that. What’s going on?”
Jayden shook her head. “Nothing. It’s just me. Just been a long week with a lot going on, I guess.”
Fen nodded and watched her. “Bullshit.”
Jayden snorted a quick laugh.
“Come on, you forget I’m your big sister. I taught you how to lie, and I taught you badly so I’d always know. Besides, I still remember that call from last night. I know I was pretty groggy from the sleeping pill they gave me, but I know I wasn’t hallucinating. Now, spit it out before I have to use my cast to beat it out of you.”
Jayden laughed. “Go on, then, I could do with a laugh.”
Fen quickly rolled her magazine with one hand against her leg and swatted Jayden on the head with it. “You shouldn’t take the piss out of the disabled.”
“Ow. You’re not disabled. You’re just…recovering.”
“Tell me.”
“It’s nothing. Honest.”
“Tell me, or I’ll get one of the nurses to spill laxatives in your coffee.”
Jaden stared at her, a perfect picture of shock on her face. “That’s just evil.”
Fen grinned wickedly. “I know. I’ve had to get creative since none of you will take my threats seriously anymore.”
Jayden eyed her coffee cup suspiciously before draining it.
“So who’s been telling you you’re butt ugly?”
“Rhian.”
“Rhian’s too nice to tell you you’re butt ugly.”
Jayden didn’t say anything.
“No way. She’s your pretend girlfriend. She wouldn’t say that.”
“You’re right, she didn’t. She just said she isn’t attracted to me. She didn’t think we could pull it off.”
Fen’s gaze dropped to her phone, and the picture of the two of them kissing was still on the screen. “Looks pretty convincing to me.”
Jayden shrugged one shoulder and leant back in her chair. “Anyway, we’re friends, so we’re going to show everyone that we’re friends who are going to hold hands sometimes to make people think we’re a couple.”
Fen tipped her head to the side and watched her. “And which bit bothers you more?”
“What do you mean?”
“Which bit bothers you more? That you’re pretending to be a couple with a woman who isn’t attracted to you? Or that you’re pretending to be in love with a woman who you really are in love with?”
“I’m not in love with her. I barely even know her. She’s just a friend.”
Fen waved a finger in circles in front of her face. “You don’t look like this when a friend tells you they’re not attracted to you. You look relieved. You take the piss out of them. You don’t look like you lost your puppy.”
“I’m not in love with her.” Jayden crossed her arms over her chest. She could feel her mouth forming a pout and knew she was behaving ridiculously.
“Fine. You’re not in love with her. But you do like her.”
Jayden opened her mouth to deny it.
“And don’t you dare lie to me, because I’ll know and spike your coffee.”
Jayden narrowed her eyes. “It’s people like you that get disabled people discriminated against, you know.”
“Yeah, yeah. Spill it.” She wiggled her fingers in a come-hither motion, beckoning for Jayden’s confession.
“Fine, yes. I do like her.”
“A lot.”
Jayden ground her teeth.
“The truth, now.”
“Yes.”
“Excellent. I like Rhian too.”
Jayden rolled her eyes. “Hoo-fucking-rah. We all love Rhian, whoop-di-doo. Let’s throw a party.”
Fen grinned. “You just said you love her.”
“It was a figure of speech!”
“Yeah, yeah.”
“Oh, for God’s sake. What does it matter anyway? She’s not even attracted to me, so it’s a moot fucking point.”
Fen scratched her head a minute. “Do you remember when you first introduced me and Mark?”
Jayden frowned. “Yeah. What’s this—”
“Do you remember what I said to you about him?”
“Yes, you said he was an arrogant prick and that if I ever let him in the house again, you’d rip off my arm and beat me to death with it. You’ve always tended towards violence.”
Fen ignored the barb. “And what did you do?”
“I invited him for dinner the following week.”
“Why?”
“Because I knew he wasn’t an arrogant prick and that you’d like him when you got to know him a bit.”
“And do you remember what I said after that second meeting?”
“I believe it was something along the lines of ‘he’s all right but not my type’.”
“Exactly. Why do you think I said that?”
“You do know we’ve already had this conversation, don’t you?”
“Answer the question.”
Jayden rolled her eyes again. “Because you thought he was interested in me and therefore not available to you.”
“So what was I trying to do?”
“Protect yourself from getting hurt, oh wise and wonderful sister.”
“Smart-arse. And do you remember me saying I wasn’t even attracted to him?”
“Yup.”
“And that he was just going to be a friend?”
“Yup. But this isn’t like that.”
“How do you know?”
“Well, she doesn’t have a girlfriend. I asked. And she knows I don’t. We’ve talked about that before. See? Not like that.”
Fen shook her head. “Have you told her?”
Jayden twisted the hem of her fleece between her fingers. “Told her what?”
“Don’t do that. You know what. Have you told her about Rebecca?”
Jayden didn’t respond.
“Jay, honey, you do know that the way you behave, it’s clear that there’s something you’re hiding, don’t you? That there’s something buried in you that hurts so much.” She reached for Jayden’s hand. “You do know that, don’t you?”
Jayden shook her head and pinched the bridge of her nose. “Not around Rhian, I don’t.”
“Sure you do. You do it all the time. You never let go of that pain, and, honey, that’s truly understandable. Is this why you were so upset last night?”
“No, I really don’t do that with her.”
Fen wiggled her hand. “You’re still grieving, Jay.”
“You don’t get it. Last night I was like that because I wasn’t. I forgot her, Fen. I was sitting there sharing pizza with Rhian, listening to her tell me that she wasn’t sure she could even pretend to be my girlfriend because she wasn’t attracted to me, and I wasn’t thinking, Oh goody, that lets me off the hook with my dead girlfriend.” She leant forward in her chair. “I wasn’t thinking about Becks at all.” She swallowed hard. “All I was thinking was Shit, I finally found someone I could really fall for, and she doesn’t even want me.” She pulled her hand from Fen’s and scrubbed them both over her face. “Does that sound like someone who’s grieving to you? Does it sound like someone who lost their partner less than two years ago? Does that sound normal to you?” She got up from the chair and started pacing the room, the restless energy inside her far too much to be contained in a chair. She ran her fingers through her hair, cursing when they got stuck in a tangle.
“You finished?” Fen asked quietly.
“Humpf. I think I’ve made my point, don’t you?”
“Yes, I think I see things pretty clearly.”
“Well, do you care to share, or should I just get the fuck out of here now?”
“You’re scared.”
Jayden laughed. “No shit. Glad you didn’t decide to be a shrink, Dr Freud.” She wrapped her hand around the door handle and started to turn it.
“You’re scared because this is the first time in almost two years that you’ve let yourself feel something other than pain. You’re scared because this is the first time in your life you’ve felt something as deep as you already feel for Rhian.”
She turned back to face Fen. “I loved Becks!” she shouted.
“Yeah, you did. But Becks was easy for you to love. She was everything you imagined a partner of yours would be, and on the surface, you were perfect for each other.”
“Exactly. I loved her.”
“But that was only on the surface.”
“Fuck off.”
“No, you’ll hear me out. You loved the easy relationship you had with her, but Becks, as much as I loved her too, was never going to be enough for you. Not in the long-term. There wasn’t the spark with Becks that would’ve kept you together. I’d go so far as to bet that you even knew before she died that there was something wrong in that relationship. That it was failing. Didn’t you?”
Jayden replayed that last argument in her head. Those last words. But she couldn’t speak them. To admit Fen was right would be a bigger betrayal, surely. “I loved her,” Jayden repeated. But the fire of the statement was gone.
“I know you did. But you know I’m telling you the truth.”
Jayden let the words penetrate. Let them start to sink in.
“And that makes you feel even more guilty that she’s gone. That you survived that awful fucking mess and she didn’t.”
Jayden’s knees buckled, and she only just managed to stumble to the chair at the bedside.
“I forgot her.”
“No, honey. You’ll never forget her. Not really. But you will move on. You can.”
“It’s too soon.”
“Only if you make it too soon.” Fen reached for her hand again. “You can sit and wallow in this, or you can decide to move forward and pursue what’s in front of you. What, or rather, who I think we both know is right for you.”
Jayden shook her head. “Even if you’re right, and I’m not saying you are, she’s made it clear she doesn’t want me.”
“So you told her you didn’t want her, to protect your fragile ego and give yourself an out. Right?”
Jayden sat in silence.
“There’s just one problem, Mogo. It’s too late for that already, isn’t it?”
“What?”
“You’ve already laid yourself open to her by agreeing to this plan of pretending to be her girlfriend for the next four and a half months. Do you really think you can spend that time with her, pretending to care for her, really caring for her, and still protect your heart at the same time?”
Jayden wiped her eyes. “I don’t really have a lot of choice, now, do I?” She closed her eyes and tried to pull up Rebecca’s cocky, sexy grin. Tried to remember the feel of her lips against her cheek that last time. But she couldn’t. All she could see was Rhian’s shy smile, feel her fingers on her cheek, and her lips pressed against hers out on the glacier. That one moment of utter perfection that had caught them both off guard and unawares.
She glanced down at her hands, staring at the fingers that had trailed over the bruise on Rhian’s cheek, the hands that had touched Rebecca but now only felt the warmth of Rhian’s flesh. She waited for the guilt to crush her chest and twist her guts. She waited for the agony to start. But when it came, it was already less than the night before.
She closed her eyes and tried to picture Rebecca’s face, her eyes, but the image of them was blurring at the edges. And the stab of pain that hit her had already lost its potency.
In place of the emotions she’d expected was desire. The desire to run to Rhian. To touch Rhian. To hold her, speak to her, smile, and laugh—to just be with Rhian.
Jayden groaned, then linked her fingers with Fen’s and sighed. “I’m fucked, aren’t I?”
Fen chuckled. “No, but you want to be.”
“Crude. Just crude.”
Fen sat quietly for a moment while Jayden absorbed the feelings. The depth of emotion that washed over her when she thought about how right it had felt just holding Rhian’s hand scared the shit out of her. But she craved more. The next four and a half months were going to be hell. She knew by the end of it she would be hopelessly in love with Rhian and that the woman would fly back to England and take Jayden’s heart with her. Without even knowing what she was doing. She sighed again.
“You could always do something about it, you know.”
“What are you on about now?” Jayden sat with her eyes closed.
“Well, the way I see it, you’ve got the perfect opportunity to…well, to let her fall in love with you, I suppose.”
Jayden snorted a bitter laugh. “She’s not even attracted to me, dummy. Did you miss that part of the conversation? Besides, you can’t make someone fall in love with you.”
“I’m not saying you can make her. We don’t practice voodoo-doodoo or witchcraft. I’m talking about giving her every opportunity to see how fantastic a person you are and then to do the right thing.”
“And that would be…?”
“Fall in love with you, of course.”
“Of course. How stupid of me to forget that, since I left my wand at Hogwarts.”
Fen chuckled. “That was funny. You can be funny. That’s attractive.”
“Gee, thanks.”
“I’m not done, yet. What’s the most attractive thing about a person?”
Jayden stared at her.
“Their personality. Their sense of humour, intelligence. Their sense of adventure.”
Jayden rolled her eyes again. “That’s the kind of thing they always say about ugly people.”
“Maybe, but think about this. Looks attract a person or not, but it’s the person they prove to be that either keeps them together or tears them apart. Correct?”
“Yeah, I guess.”
“You like her. I mean, really like her.”
“That’s not always enough, Fen.”
“Jay, I know how hard it was on you. Base camp. Losing Rebecca. Fuck, it damn near killed you. But since you’ve been back here, since you took this project on, I’ve seen you again. Just like I asked. Just like you needed.”
“But you still want more from me.”
“No.” Fen shook her head. “I want more for you.”
“Semantics.”
“Not at all. I want you to be happy. Really happy. And I think Rhian could do that for you. She’s helped you get back out in the mountains—”
“That was blackmail.”
“She makes you laugh.”
Jayden crossed her arms over her chest but didn’t dispute the point.
“She stands up to you when you’re being unreasonable.”
Jayden scowled at her and wished she’d never confided in Fen how shocked and surprised she’d been when Rhian had held her ground about staying behind to bring in the stragglers. Nor how much it had helped her.
“And she makes you smile more than I’ve seen since you first conquered Everest.”
Jayden ground her teeth, determined not to think about the way Rhian coaxed so many smiles to her lips.
“So, if you like her—and, I mean, really like her—then court her. Show her how wonderful you are. Give her every opportunity to fall in love with you.”
“I can’t do that. Even if I wanted to.”
“You do want to. And you can. You have to pretend to be her girlfriend, right?” Fen waited until Jayden nodded. “So do all the things you would for your girlfriend. Show her what a brilliant girlfriend you’d be for her. Don’t pretend to be her girlfriend, Jay. Be her girlfriend. Don’t play games. Just be it and, like any relationship, see where it leads you both.”
Jayden closed her eyes and tried to picture what it would be like. Would Rhian notice that Jayden wasn’t playing a game with her? Would she pull the plug if she did? No, Rhian couldn’t. She had to do this. Her mother’s company was at stake. Jayden pictured herself holding out flowers and kissing the back of Rhian’s hand. Not because other people were around, but just to see Rhian smile. She imagined making them dinner and pouring her wine, learning all the little things that made Rhian laugh. Then walking her home. Would she dare to kiss her on the doorstep if no one else was there to see?
They’d spent six weeks becoming friends. And the past four days, they’d spent twenty-four hours a day together out on the ice, eating, working, sleeping side by side the whole time. And she wanted more.
Could she really play the role of her girlfriend? No, Fen was right. If she was going to do this, she was doing it all the way. No half measures, no games, no pretence. I’m going to be Rhian’s girlfriend. She tried the thought on. She should have been surprised by how comfortable it felt, but she wasn’t. Not really. She should have felt scared by how comfortable it felt.
But she wasn’t.
“What have you got to lose, sis?”
What did she have to lose? She was a woman with deep feelings for someone who didn’t return them. She had the opportunity to see the woman of her affection every day, to show her every day that there was something there. And if she couldn’t convince Rhian of that, she was still a woman with deep feelings for a woman who didn’t feel the same. What would change? Nothing. But if she could convince Rhian to take a chance on her…then everything could change.
What did she have to lose? Jayden blinked, a smile tugging at the corner of her lips.
“Absolutely nothing.”