Chapter Twenty-Two
Roni was afraid to move. Sunlight was shining in her eyes between the curtain and the blind, but she didn’t want to ruin the romantic haze she’d been in since she’d convinced Rooster to take her on the bed of his truck. She lay in the arms of the one man who’d had her heart her whole life. She didn’t want to wake him up and then have him regret everything they’d done the night before. That was her biggest fear, that they had both been blinded by the need to forget the crazy stuff that was going on in their lives. That she had been a warm body, any warm body. She was almost afraid to breathe.
“You don’t have to worry about waking me up.”
The male voice was rough and full of sleep. It was what she had imagined for years it would be like. Was this how their lives would have gone? Would they have woken up like this each and every morning? Their arms and legs entwined with one another, both naked, her sore from what they had done the night before? It was almost enough to make her cry, thinking about what they had given up because of circumstance.
“I just didn’t want to ruin this,” she admitted, running her hand along his chest.
“There’s no way we could ruin this.” He ran his fingers through her hair, cupping the back of her scalp. Pulling her mouth up to his, he brushed a chaste kiss against her lips. “I want to be awake and present for all the time we have together.”
There was a part of her that wondered if he really meant it. “Are you sure? I know I dropped a huge bombshell on you yesterday. One you probably never even thought of where I’m concerned.”
Rooster rolled over onto his back, blew out a deep breath, and put his hands to his forehead. “It was a shock, I’m not going to lie, and I am pissed. But I stand by what I said. I’m not pissed at you. I’m pissed at William. He’s lived his whole life playing with other people’s lives. None of that’s right, and I’m glad he’s finally behind bars where he hopefully can’t hurt the people that I care about any longer. If he tries to mess with you again, then I’m ready.” He reached for her hand and closed their fingers together. “I don’t want this to ever be broken again. Last night, I got back a piece of myself that I’m still not sure I knew was missing. I don’t want to let that go, babe. I know it seems easy, but I’ve lived a long time without you. I think we’ve been punished enough.”
He hadn’t called her that in a very long time, and hearing the endearment was enough to make her heart skip a beat. Could things finally be falling into place? Could she finally believe that they really would be alright? It was scary to even consider, but she knew that she had to try. “Do you have any questions? I can try to answer them for you,” she offered, wanting to make this as easy as possible for the two of them.
Rooster sighed, wondering if he should ask what was on his mind. There was a part of him that was cautionary, then there was a part of him that wanted to know everything he could to make their lives together easier. “I do have two. They kept me up last night after you’d gone to sleep, and I wanted to wake you up and find out the answers to them, but you looked peaceful, so I didn’t dare.”
“Then ask me,” she begged him. She didn’t want there to be any doubt in his mind where she was concerned. It was time to move past all the nonsense. “I want to be as honest with you as I can be.”
“Did it hurt, and can you still have kids? I know that some women, once they have an abortion, they can’t have children anymore. It won’t make or break our relationship either way; it’s just something I have to know.”
She was quiet for a long time—she struggled with what to say. She’d build this moment up so big in her mind that the easy question he asked floored her. To say she was shocked was an understatement.
“You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to,” Rooster finally told her, pissed at himself for even asking the questions—even though she’d told him it was okay. Any man in his right mind should have known they weren’t. Shit, this was hard.
“No, I want to,” she argued, shaking her head. How did she tell him the things she wanted and needed to? This had always been a slippery slope for her, but now it wasn’t and that left her dangling. “I’m trying to find the right words to explain it to you, so that you understand.”
“Say them, whatever they are. I gotta know, Roni. It’s killing me. There’s this clenching in my gut, and I know enough about myself to realize that if I don’t find out, I’m going to ruin everything we’re building just because I can be a fuck face.”
The words sounded as if they were forced from her throat. “It did physically hurt. The abortion itself. I bled for three weeks afterwards and thought I was going to die. I was convinced that God was punishing me, and just when I was getting over the achiness in my bones, the emotional hurt sat in. I think a lot of that manifested itself in physical pain because I would think I was okay and then out of nowhere, I’d be in bed for a few days. It was awful—easily the most painful experience of my life, and I went through it alone. Liam wasn’t around, my mom wasn’t around, you weren’t there, and I didn’t really have any girlfriends that I could call up and ask questions to.” She saw the despair on his face and she wanted to make it easier on him, but it was hard considering that had been the most difficult time in her life.
“I don’t blame you,” she was quick to reassure him. “I can still have children and I want you to know it wasn’t your fault, but it was easily the saddest time in my life. I could have used my mom, but at the time she and I weren’t talking and I was devastated. I went to see your mom,” she whispered.
“Jesus Christ,” he sighed, his heart sinking. He imagined her as the young woman she had been walking up to his parent’s house, nervous, scared, and hurt—he knew they hadn’t greeted her with open arms, and it killed him. “How the hell did that go?”
“Not good. I finally understood why you were constantly at our house all the time,” she admitted ruefully.
“It wasn’t that they were assholes or didn’t love me.” Rooster ran his hand through his hair, struggling to find the words to make her understand. “They were just so strict, and there was only so much I could take of it. It was in me to rebel at a young age, and they couldn’t handle that. I hated for anyone to tell me what the fuck to do.” The irony of him becoming a cop always struck him as funny.
“They were older,” she tried to help him verbalize his feelings. She had been shocked to realize how much older they were than William and Lauren. Going to them had been a mistake, and she had often wondered if they were the ones who told William that she was pregnant.
“They were, and I shouldn’t have been such a piss ant, but I always felt like I was at a disadvantage with them. They didn’t have the capabilities to deal with a kid like me. I haven’t spoken to them in months and I think they like it that way.”
“I’m sure they miss you.” She rubbed his arm. It was her pain to know a father who didn’t love her, but it was his pain to have parents with no patience and understanding.
“I’m sure they do too, but they’re nearing seventy. I don’t want to worry them anymore than they already worry. I was the wrong kid born to the wrong set of parents.”
“I told your mom about me being pregnant. This was before William made me get the abortion, or course. I had some misguided notion that they would take me in and let me stay there until you got out of the camp. The only job I’d had to that point was for the club, and I thought if this came to light, William would either kick me out or kill me. I had no idea what he would do. She slapped me.” She could laugh about it now. “She told me I should be ashamed of myself for seducing a younger boy like you.”
He kissed her neck softly, nuzzling the side with his nose and spanning her stomach with his big hand. “If she only knew the truth, that I was the one seducing you out in the barn that used to be at the clubhouse. You were never a bad influence on me. I was a hell of a bad influence on you.”
“You were, but I was old enough to say no,” she argued. “I didn’t really want to, but I could have. I really should have.”
“The best thing you ever did was say yes to me, back then, and last night. There’s a reason we keep coming back to each other, Roni. There’s a reason that you and I haven’t found other people to love in all these years—we’re meant to be together. That’s all there is to it.”
She hoped that he was right, that this wasn’t going to backfire in their faces. “I hope so, I can’t stand to lose this again.”
He opened his mouth to say something to her, but his phone went off at his side. “I haven’t checked this thing since last night, I hope nothing’s happened.” Rooster reached over and grabbed the phone, squinting as he scrolled through.
“Do you have anything from Liam? What are they doing about Drew?” she asked, not wanting to look over his shoulder but wondering if he’d been informed.
“Looks like Tyler and Jagger are taking the run that had been planned for today, he’s got Steele taking care of the shop, and I need to go see him. They’re taking Drew to the doctor this afternoon.”
She sighed. “That means I need to go check in at the shop, Steele’s super smart when it comes to scientific things, but when it comes to everyday stuff—it’s not so great. It took me a week to set up the system I have now, and if he’s fucked it up, I’m not going to be happy. I hope he hasn’t let the place fall down around his ears,” she joked.
Rooster watched as she got up out of the bed and put on a robe before making her way into the bathroom to get ready to head to work. He wanted to stay here all day with her, but unfortunately they couldn’t do that. They both had places they had to go, things they had to take care of. He slowly got out of bed and walked over to the bathroom door. When she came out, he could smell the mint from her toothpaste. Pushing her up against the wall with his body, pinning her with his gaze, he searched her eyes. He was looking for the answers of his heart, and he hoped like hell he saw them there when this was all over.
“Promise me that we aren’t going to let other people’s shit get in the way of what we’re building here, promise me that,” he told her as he boxed her in.
“We won’t.” She swallowed roughly against the lump in her throat. “We’re going to make this work.”
He leaned down, owning her mouth with one of the steamiest kisses she’d ever had in her life before letting her go.
Dizzy, she leaned back against the wall as she watched him grab a towel and make his way to her bathroom. Life as she knew it had surely changed, and she wasn’t sure that she ever wanted it to go back to the way it had been. She liked this one, so much more.