- Lucy -
opened my eyes when she peeked in my room.
“Hey,” Fiona whispered, tilting her head. “I didn’t mean to wake you.”
“You didn’t.”
“I just wanted to see if you were home.”
“I’m home.”
She held a glass through the crack in the door. “Orange juice?”
My smile crushed against the pillow. “Please.” I sat up as she entered the room and rubbed my eyes. “What time is it?”
“Noon,” she said, climbing onto my bed and handing me the juice.
“Thanks.”
“When did you get home last night?”
“I didn’t,” I said, draining half the glass and handing it back to her. “I came home around six.”
“From…?”
“Aiden’s.”
I could tell she was trying to act calm, but it was clear I wouldn’t get away with evading her for long.
“Did you have a fun date?” she asked.
I propped my pillows up behind me and leaned back. “Too much fun.”
“Where did you go?”
I yawned. “Some trendy rooftop restaurant where they gave us six courses of really posh food.”
“Sounds nice.”
“It was.”
“And then what?”
“Then we went back to his place for a nightcap.”
“Just a nightcap?”
I shook my head.
“Lucy, I know you just woke up, but I’m dying here.”
I dragged my nails through my hair.
“Did something happen? Did he kiss you again?”
“He sure did,” I said.
“Just on the lips or-”
I shook my head. I could feel the blood rushing to my cheeks.
Fiona gasped. “Did you guys hook up?”
I nodded.
“Oh my god I’m so jealous.”
I laughed. “What about Peter?”
“I adore Peter, but Aiden’s Aiden. His arms are like tree trunks.”
“All three of them,” I said.
“Fuck off.”
I sighed.
“I’m actually speechless,” she said. “I’ve been waiting for this day since- I don’t know- since you introduced me to him, and you’re being so nonchalant right now I could strangle you.”
I shrugged. “How should I be acting?”
“Excited? Happy? Over the fucking moon?”
“Well, I wish I could say I was those things, but-”
“But what?”
“I’m mostly just confused.”
Fiona shook her head. “Why can’t you just be happy about it? I mean, it’s a good thing, right? It’s what you’ve always wanted.”
“That’s the thing,” I said, pulling my knees to my chest. “I used to want it, but then I spent ten years convincing myself that I only wanted to be friends so I feel… totally messed up.”
“Wasn’t it good though? It had to be good. It’s fucking Aiden.”
“Yeah, of course it was good. He was incredible. Better than-”
“What?”
I didn’t want to say anyone ever. It sounded too ridiculous even in my head. “Just really good.”
“So what’s the problem?”
“What if it was just a rebound thing for him? I mean, he knows me well enough that it couldn’t have been hard to say the right things to win me over. Like what if it was just a joke?”
“It wasn’t.”
“How can you be so sure?”
“Cause he’s your best friend.”
“So?”
“So he wouldn’t dick you around like that.”
“But he’s still a guy. Maybe he didn’t mean to, but he was just horny and-”
“Why are you sabotaging this?”
“I’m not sabotaging anything.”
“Yes, you are. Why can’t you just be happy you guys had a good time?”
“I want to. Really I do, but-”
“But what?”
“But everything’s different now.”
“No it’s not.”
“Yes it is. We can never have what we had again.”
“Sure you can. Friends hook up all the time.”
“Not like this. It wasn’t a drunken, sloppy fuck, Fiona. It was intense. He even-” I inhaled sharply.
“He what?”
“He-” I nodded towards my crotch and hoped she would get the hint.
“Wow, really?”
“Yeah.”
“And?”
“And now things can never be the same.”
“So what? Why would you want them to be? Did it occur to you that maybe things can be better than they were?”
“Not really. To be honest, I’m just freaking out because I feel so vulnerable now, like I’m still naked or something.”
“So?”
“So it’s scary.”
“What are you talking about?”
“All those times I liked him growing up I got hurt. Every. Single. Time. And he was oblivious. To this day I think he has no idea how many times I cried myself to sleep when he asked someone else to a dance or told me he thought some other girl was pretty.”
She nodded.
“And if he hurts me this time, I’m afraid I won’t be able to hide it. Cause I crossed a line. And even though I could always quiet my mind when it ached for him, now my body is aching for him, and I don’t know how to shut it up.”
She pursed her lips.
“Am I making sense or do you think I’m a lunatic?”
“Both.”
I rolled my eyes. “I’m not surprised. It sounds crazy even to me.”
“Yeah.”
“And I wouldn’t expect you to understand.”
“Why not?”
“Cause you’ve never had an Aiden.”
“You’re right. And you know what’s really fucked up?”
“What?”
“When I think of the guys I’ve dated in the past, I can’t think of any that ever cared about me the way Aiden cares about you. Not one.”
“That’s not true.”
“Yes it is,” she said. “He would do anything for you, and you know it. And so what if he’s hurt you? It could only have been by accident. He would never hurt you on purpose. Never.”
“I know.”
“So you have only yourself to blame for the times your feelings got hurt. You made that happen. Not him.”
“Well, it’s not all my fault. It’s not like there’s anything I could’ve done.”
“Sure there is.”
“What?”
“You could’ve told him how you felt. You could’ve stopped being such a pussy for two seconds and told him that you cared about him or asked him why he never asked you to a dance. You could’ve confronted him about it.”
“There was never a good time.”
“Oh please. Do you really expect me to believe that? That in fifteen years there was never a moment when you could’ve done something about your unrequited feelings?”
“I don’t know.”
“Well, I do. And I think you’re lucky your patience paid off.”
“What?”
“You heard me. You’re lucky that he’s not a wimp like you, that he saw an opportunity to see if there was something more between you, and he grabbed it.”
“Maybe.”
“You could’ve lost him. You could’ve waited forever and lost him.”
“That’s not true! I always had him. The closest I’ve ever come to losing him is right now when I have no idea whether he thinks we made a huge mistake or whether our friendship can survive this.”
“Why would you even want that?”
“What do you mean?”
“Why would you want that if you could have more?”
“More?”
“Yeah, from where I’m standing, it’s always looked like your biggest problem with Aiden was the fact that you had to share him.”
“That’s not true.”
“Yes it is,” she said. “You never think anyone is good enough for him.”
“That has nothing to do with me.”
Fiona smacked her forehead. “It has everything to do with you.”
“How?”
“Because deep down, you know that no one could ever love him like you love him.”
I pursed my lips.
“Can I be honest with you for a second?”
“Shit. If you weren’t already being honest I’m kind of scared.”
“Whatever. The point is, this is a good thing. And if you want to overanalyze it to death and come up with a bunch of bullshit reasons you should sabotage it and cling to the past, then you and Aiden are never going to work out.”
I swallowed.
“And it will be all your fault this time.”
I opened my mouth.
“Just like it was all the other times you hid your feelings away.”
I closed my mouth.
“Did it ever occur to you that maybe he thought you didn’t like him? That you didn’t want him to make a move?”
I shook my head. “Of course not.”
She shrugged. “Well, you had me fooled for a long time. I genuinely thought you weren’t interested in him when we first met, that you guys were really just friends. Until I got to know you better.”
“But we were friends.”
“No, you weren’t.”
“Yes we were.”
Fiona stood off the bed and faced me. “You guys were never friends, Lucy. You were a ticking time bomb.”
“That’s not true.”
“And now the bomb’s gone off and you don’t know what to do about it.”
“No,” I said. “I don’t.”
“You want my advice?”
“Do I have a choice?”
“You should stop looking for excuses to be miserable about what happened and start looking for reasons to be happy about it.”
“Cause there’s nothing I can do to change it?”
“No, dummy! Cause it’s a good thing!”
“I want to believe that, Fi. Really I do, but I feel like I can’t enjoy it until I know our friendship is okay.”
“I’m sorry to hear that.”
“Why?”
“Cause your friendship, as you knew it, is fucking over.”