Natalie and I made eye contact through the plate glass that separated us. I watched her slim fingers count down from five, and at one she threw me a brilliant smile just as the On Air light illuminated the dark studio.
“Good evening, America. I’m Dr. Vaughn Lair checking in for the first time. Welcome to The Love Lair. If you stumbled upon us as you flipped through your presets, stick around. Things are about to get steamy. I’m here with my producer, Natalie Myles, and tonight is our debut to Galaxy radio. Say hi, Natalie.”
“Hi, Natalie,” she repeated with a giggle.
“Cute.” My eyes cut to the connecting control room to the left. “Also here with me is my program director, Daryl. He’s a horny bastard, so you’ve all been warned.”
“Horny is an understatement,” he quipped over his mic.
“I admire him for owning it. For the next four hours I’m at your disposal to discuss all things sex. Natalie will be taking your calls, so be nice to her and she’ll put you through. Are you ready, Nat?”
“Yeah, let’s do it. I’m super excited, Vaughn. We get to talk about sex and curse without FCC fines looming over our heads. We both know how annoying that is.”
“The FCC can go fuck themselves.”
Natalie laughed at my adolescent rant while giving me her dorky thumbs up. “Fuck, yeah.”
“I already corrupted my producer,” I said with a hearty chuckle.
“Oh, no, Mr. Lair. I’ve been corrupted well before you came to town.”
“Sounds like a story we all need to hear one night.”
“Maybe… one night… after a lot of vodka.”
“Wow, Nat. Now you really have me curious.”
“Let just say I sowed my wild oats in college, got it all out of my system. Damn, I made some mistakes back then. Now, I’m boring.”
“Sex is never boring.”
“Okay, boring is the wrong word. It’s more… respectable?”
“Are you asking or telling me? I’d need details to determine such.”
“Ugh. Moving on,” she groaned into her microphone.
I laughed at her frustration. “We’ve all made mistakes, and most of the time we learned from them. And if not, this is what we’re here for, to share tales of sex, whether ribald or clinical, vulgar or medical, slow or fast, romantic or primal. I want to hear how you all like to fuck. Do you prefer her on top or from behind, him gentle and sweet or rough and crude? We’ll talk about your turn-ons and turn-offs. Are you into sixty-nine, cock-piercings, butt plugs, shaved pussies, threesomes, foursomes, straight, gay, toys, and or fetishes? Does your man groom more than you? Believe it or not there are benefits to being hairless. Did you know that, Nat?”
“Oh, yeah. It’s true. Mr. C would agree as well.”
“Mr. C is Nat’s man, for those wondering.”
“And, for those also wondering, his first or last name does not start with a C. I’ll leave you all to figure out why I nicknamed him Mr. C,” she quipped over the airwaves. This Natalie was very different from the professional woman I came to know these past few months. I assumed it would take time for her to come out of her shell… apparently not.
“Well, I know why… and I can be bought.”
She sucked in a gulp of air. “You suck.”
I couldn’t help but grin through the glass that separated us. “Well then, Mr. C and I have something in common.”
“A woman needs some secrets to keep to herself,” she grumbled, ignoring my comment.
“That’s not how it works in The Love Lair, Nat. No secrets. Hear that, America? No. Secrets. I want to know everything. Sure, we’ll also hit on the emotion behind fucking. Why does it work for some couples, and why isn’t it working for others? We’ll cover it all… nothing is taboo. Which is a great way to segue into tonight’s topic. Why is s… e… x… such a taboo subject? Nat, do you know why?”
“Too many have a stick up their ass… and not in a good way?”
“Yes, that’s one reason. It goes back a few generations. They didn’t know better. Yes, we’ve heard there’s evidence that a healthy sex life promotes wellbeing and good health, but they didn’t have that knowledge back then. So, with each generation that emerged, the ignorance snowballed. They were taught to believe there was one reason for sex, procreation. To want it regularly would label a man a pervert. Let’s not even get into what the women who loved sex were labeled. I can go on and on, giving you all a lesson in sexuality through the ages, but that’s not what I want to talk about tonight. My question to you, why is sex taboo, even in modern day? It’s time to hear from you guys. But first, after a few words from our sponsors.”
The On Air light shut forcing me to flip my microphone off and sit back. My eyes scanned the screen lit up with dozens of callers wanting to get on the air with me. I had talents, but if the callers weren’t uninhibited, sex talk could become a snooze-fest real fast.
I scribbled a few notes I wanted to be sure to cover while on the air. Once a topic was chosen, I rarely stuck to it. So many times we’d veer off subject, and those made for the best radio moments. Regardless, I still liked to have a guide going in.
As I waited for Natalie to run through the sponsored ads that would cover the first hour of the show, my adrenaline pumped. This was by far the best part of my job.
The On Air light came on, and I flipped my switch and said into the microphone, “Let’s make things interesting. Nat, we ready?”
“Good to go.”
“It looks like people want to talk to us.”
“Just a few,” Natalie said with a smile. As her eyes danced along her screen, I could see the same excitement all over her face. “It’s all yours, Vaughn. Ian is on line one.”
I liked to pick and choose those I spoke to. I could get a vibe just by their name and the short blurb beside it on the screen. But at Galaxy, policy had the producers screening the calls. Not controlling the flow of my own show was a bit unnerving.
“Welcome to The Love Lair. You’re on with Vaughn…”
“The King of Sex,” Natalie interrupted.
“Why thank you, Nat,” I said on a chuckle. “Ian, you’re on with Vaughn. How can I help you get off?”
“Hey, Vaughn. Speaking of taboo, my future in-laws are frigid as fuck. I’m dealing with a set of the most ignorant prudes that one could imagine. I’m about to be married in just a few short months. She lives in Pittsburgh, and I’m in Richmond, Ohio. Most of our time together has been long distance, so I visit her on weekends. She’s not allowed to come to me, and when at her parents’ house I’m not allowed to share a bed with my fiancé. What the fuck is that about?”
“How old is she?”
“Twenty-five. I put up with it is because I love her, but I hate that she refuses to confront them.”
“When’s the wedding?”
“Not until September.” I groaned out loud. “Exactly. I can’t take it anymore. The lack of sex after I haven’t seen her in weeks is making me nuts. We’re together almost two years, and I can’t tell you how much I’ve spent on hotel rooms. But I’m more pissed they have such control over her. How should I handle this?”
I wanted to tell this guy to run, and run fast. There were definite issues lurking that wouldn’t improve once they were married. “You need to talk to them, both of you… as a team. If she can’t agree to that, you need to sit her down and be honest with her.”
“Shit,” he said and hung up.
Most of the night went much the same way. I tried to steer the conversation and engage them more, but with each call the show dragged on and on. What the fuck was happening? Four hours later, and for the first time in my career, I couldn’t wait to sign off.
“Well, Nat. It’s that time. Thank you, callers, for trusting me. This is Dr. Vaughn Lair. Remember to fuck with all your heart, and fuck like your life depends on it. Good night.”
The On Air light shut off and I sighed with relief. I watched Natalie remove her headphones while sporting a wide grin. She then walked into my studio.
“Awesome start!” The smile fell the moment she saw my face. “What?”
“That was abysmal.”
“Are you crazy? I didn’t even have time to use the ladies room. The phone-lines were on fire the entire show.” She pointed to the screen behind me. “They’re still calling. They love you.”
“Something is missing,” I said with a slow shake of my head.
“You’re nuts. It was magical.”
Magical?
It was awful… my debut sucked ass.
My first week also sucked ass.
Every night Natalie beamed with pride when I flipped off the On Air switch at the end of the show oblivious to my issues. Tonight management called to congratulate me on a great week. Everyone around me thought I was lighting it up… except me.
I knew this week wasn’t my best, yet I had no clue why. All the puzzle pieces fit perfectly… calls flooded the studio lines and I doled out the advice with humor and fact.
Regardless, I couldn’t shake the dissatisfaction I felt.
It’d been a long week, and I wanted to get home and regroup. I spent every day since my debut hitting the gym to work out my frustrations. While pounding the treadmill, I tried to figure out what was missing. Later that evening, I’d then go to work ready to kick ass, only to sign off at the end of my time again feeling that the show lacked. I even heard from a couple of my regulars, spoke to dozens and dozens of new listeners, but it was all just blah.
After the show I called Haven. I heard her excuse herself before her voice came over the phone line again.
“Where are you?”
“Elliott has a few of the neighbors over… sort of a get to know me party. It seemed more engaging tonight.”
“No it wasn’t. I don’t know what the fuck I’m looking for, but it’s not here.”
“Do you want me to meet you at your place?”
“No, it’s late. I’m going to head home to crash. Call me tomorrow.”
“Okay. Hey, Vaughn?”
“Yeah?”
“We’ll figure it out.”
“I know. Be careful. Don’t leave your drink anywhere. You don’t know those people. You’re too trusting. And make sure you go home alone. You’re desperately horny… and nothing good ever comes from you being desperately horny.”
“First of all… ”
“Bye,” I cut her off before she told me off.
On my way out of the studio, my new program director, Daryl, stopped me right before I stepped into the elevator.
“Vaughn. Come out for a drink, dude.”
“No thanks, I’m going to head home.”
“Just one. It’s something we do every Friday night. Most don’t stay after the first shot, but we always end the week with at least one.”
Natalie had already invited me, filling me in on the weekly shot ritual the night crew engaged in. Not wanting to start off on the wrong foot with the people behind the scenes responsible for making sure the show ran smoothly, I succumbed. “Okay. Let’s do it.”
“Awesome. Meet us at Old Man Gaffney’s around the corner.”
Minutes later, I waited at the bar as my coworkers filed in. Natalie was the first to come over with a smile. “Glad you came.”
“Don’t want to mess with tradition.”
Daryl ordered the first round of tequila shots and passed them out to the six of us. With all eyes on him, he smirked and said, “Fuck everyone!” On his words, everyone downed their shot like robots following a command.
What in the serious hell?
I made my appearance, did the so-called traditional shot, and counted down the minutes in my head when it would be acceptable to hightail it out of there. In the meantime, I engaged and smiled even though the entire time my mind reeled with ways to fix the show.
And after a beer and two shots, Daryl slapped more cash on the bar. “One more round,” he said to the bartender. She poured six more shots of tequila and Daryl again handed them out one by one.
“No, dude. I’m done,” I said when he got to me.
“Really?”
“Yeah. Thanks for the invite. It was fun. I’ll see you all Monday.” I slid my arm into the sleeve of my coat, and when my fist emerged from the cuff it punched someone right in the…
Embarrassed, I turned to see a petite blonde grimacing while rubbing her left boob. “Holy shit, I’m so sorry.”
Her pale blue eyes met and held mine, and the pained expression on her face morphed into a slow smile. “I should pay attention to where I’m walking. It’s my fault,” she drawled in a southern accent.
“Are you sure you’re okay?”
“Yes. I promise I’m fine.” A perfectly sculpted brow lifted as she studied my face. “Do I know you?”
“I don’t think so. I’m new in town.”
“You look familiar.” I waited for recognition to hit, and instead she shook her head before shrugging. “I’m Abby. Are you coming or going?”
“Going.”
“Ah… okay. Well, I better get back to my friends.”
“Again, I’m sorry… for…” I motioned toward her chest with a wave of my hand.
“You can make it up to me next time.” She sidestepped around me and walked toward a table of giggling females. Just before she sat down, she turned once more to look my way.
A part of me wanted to follow her, buy her a drink, and maybe even take her home. Abby was just my type. So why, instead, did I turn away with a sigh? Between my bleh show and my lack of interest in a cute blonde, while walking out of Old Man Gaffney’s, I wondered what kind of alternate universe I crossed into when I moved to New York.