Chapter 11

“Were you feeling guilty about having fun earlier?”

I’m lying in the bed in my guest room with a warm, naked Kendra draped across me. I’m almost dozing off to sleep after another mind-scrambling, bone-melting orgasm, but at her question, my languor vanishes and my muscles tense.

Her hand smooths over my shoulder. “It’s okay. I get it. How long has it been…since your wife died?”

I keep my eyes firmly closed. “Fifteen months.”

She gives a tiny nod. “It’s totally normal. When people start to live again and enjoy their life, they often feel they’re betraying the loved one they’ve lost.”

I don’t want to talk about this. I don’t want to listen to this.

“You can’t replace what you lost.” Her tone is so even and reassuring I can’t help but let the words filter through my sudden tension. “But you can make connections, have new relationships, new inter-dependencies. Denying your feelings doesn’t help…you should listen to them.”

I swallow, my throat thick.

“You start to live again. Reinvest in friendships. Reinvest in your relationship with yourself. It’s all a part of the grieving and healing process. You don’t need to feel guilty about it.”

“I don’t need a therapist.” The words come out harsher than I intend and she momentarily stiffens against me. “Fuck. I’m sorry.”

“I’m not trying to be your therapist. I’m trying to be your friend. Sorry if it’s coming across like that.”

“I understand. You’re trained to do that.”

“Yeah.” She sighs.

“You’re right. I did feel guilty.” It’s shockingly hard to say this. To talk about my feelings. But she has a way about her that makes me feel…safe. “I feel guilty a lot.”

“That’s normal. Everyone has their own way of dealing with loss. But negative emotions and isolating yourself can lead to depression.”

“Already been there,” I admit. “I was on antidepressants for a while last year.”

“That’s good that you got help. Nothing wrong with it.”

Her complete lack of judgment soothes my soul. “I guess.” My arms tighten on her.

“Knowing that your feelings and reactions are normal can help you move forward.”

“Yeah.”

“If you want to talk…about anything…I’m a good listener.”

“You are,” I agree. But I don’t say anything more.

“How did she die?”

“Don’t you know? Duncan said you asked about me.”

“I wasn’t being nosy. We spent time together that night, and…I was just curious.”

“I know.” I glide a hand up the curve of her back. “She had cancer. A rare form of cancer. She got sick really quickly and there wasn’t much they could do.”

“Cancer sucks.”

“Hell, yeah.”

“She was really brave,” I add. “Even though I know she was scared. I was scared. I tried to be brave, too. It was hard.”

Her tiny nod tells me she’s listening. I like how she doesn’t jump in with the platitudes I’ve heard a million times.

“But I had to be there for her. I had to be strong.”

“You are a strong man.”

“I didn’t feel strong. I felt totally helpless. I fucking hated that.”

She nods again.

“We talked a lot. She fought hard, but in the end she accepted what was happening and she wanted me to accept it, as well. I was…ah, hell. I was pissed. At everything. At everyone. At the doctors who couldn’t save her. At people who said stupid things to us. I was pissed at the whole world, basically.”

“That’s understandable.”

“It happened fast, but we had time. Not like a car accident or something…we had time to say goodbye. She wanted to make sure that we said everything we wanted to say to each other.”

“She sounds like an amazing woman.” Kendra’s voice is a little huskier.

“I don’t want you to be sad.”

“I’m okay. Really.”

I caress her back again. “One time I said something to her about how her color was better, and she gave me such shit. She said not to treat her like that. She knew she looked like crap. She said she knew she was dying and I shouldn’t try to pretend it wasn’t happening. I wanted to tell her she wasn’t going to die…but she wouldn’t let me. I don’t know how she was so strong.”

“You were with her at the end?”

“Actually, no. She did die at home—we had care coming in for her. But that day…she told me she wanted flowers. I went out to get her…” My voice cracks embarrassingly. “I went to get her tulips because she loved them, and when I got back…she was gone.”

After a pause Kendra says, “She was probably trying to spare you. People who are dying have an instinct for when it’s going to happen.”

“I never thought of that,” I say slowly. “I felt like…like I failed her.”

“No. Of course you didn’t fail her. The most important thing is that she knew you loved her.”

“Yeah.” I swallow again. “She knew that.” I think more and continue talking. “I felt guilty after she died when I had to get rid of her things. I couldn’t do it at first. One of my teammates told me to get her family to help, so her mom and her sister came over. It was hard for them, too. I don’t know why. We knew she wasn’t coming back. It took a while, but eventually I decided to sell the house and move. It felt so empty without her there. I figured having a place that was just mine would be a clean start.”

“That was probably a good idea.”

I think about the things we just said and moments pass. Kendra is silent, too. Another thing I like about her. She’s honest and direct, but she’s not afraid of being quiet. Eventually, I say, “I’ve never talked about that stuff.”

She just nods against my chest. “It’s good to talk.”

“Probably.” I pause again. “Thank you. For listening.”

“Anytime, hockey dude.”

I smile and hug her closer.

We doze off but somehow wake up at the same time in the middle of the night. I can tell she’s awake and I roll her to her back and find her mouth with mine. She murmurs a sound of pleasure and holds on to my shoulders. I move between her legs, my dick thickening rapidly, my blood running hotter as we kiss over and over.

The curtains are open, since there aren’t any neighbors nearby, and the moonlight filters into the room through leafy tree branches that sway in the breeze, shifting into different patterns of light and shadow. Soft, cool air drifts in the open window along with the rustle of leaves. Otherwise it’s so quiet out there and in the house, so we whisper and keep our noises muted as heat builds between us.

As always, Kendra is right there with me, moving against me, under me, her hands stroking me into a fever, opening to me after I roll on a condom. I run the head of my dick through her tight slit, then push inside her, slow and deep. “So wet,” I murmur.

“God, you feel good,” she whispers, her hips lifting.

“Fuck, yeah.”

We move together in an easy but erotic rhythm. Pleasure swells and heats my stomach. I feel so close to her right now. Sensation pours through me, my balls torturously tight. I need to come so bad, but I have to satisfy her…I want her to feel this good…

I push up onto my knees and hold her thighs and her hand goes right to her pussy and rubs. “Yeah. Do that.”

It’s so fucking hot, and when she climaxes and squeezes around my dick, I lose it. Electricity burns down my spine and shoots out my cock in hard, blinding pulses. Kendra’s arms fall to her sides and I stretch out over her and bury my face in the side of her neck as our hearts pound together.

Emotion swells in my chest. I don’t know why, but I feel overcome with it, like I’m going to burst with it. I can’t even put words to it. We stay like that for a long time, the breeze cooling the sweat on my skin while Kendra’s hands stroke up and down my back, petting me with gentle strokes as if she knows how messed up I am.

She probably does know. She seems to know everything. More than I do myself.

“When do you go back to New York?” I ask.

“Tomorrow evening. Seven-ish, I forget the exact time. Lovey and Marc are leaving in the morning. She has to go to a bridal shower in the afternoon.”

“Were you going to let me know you were in town?”

She laughs softly. “Yes. I was going to call you Friday, but then I had lunch with Lovey and she invited me to come here with them. It sounded fun and I figured I could call you Sunday since we’re going back early.”

“Huh.”

“This worked out well, though.” She kisses my shoulder. “I should probably go back to my room.”

“Why?”

After a beat, she says, “I don’t know.”

“Gonna get rid of this condom. Stay here.”

I sense her amusement. “Yes, sir.”

“Excellent. That’s what I like to hear.” I pull out and roll off her carefully, then grab a pair of athletic shorts for my trek down the hall to the bathroom in case I run into anyone.

It’s not like we need to sneak around and hide the fact that we’re sleeping together, but on the other hand we don’t need to be obvious about it and make everyone else uncomfortable. So Kendra heads back to her room quietly in the morning and we go down for breakfast separately.

I’m already out on the patio with Amber and Army, a cup of coffee in my hands, when Kendra comes down, dressed today in another pair of short shorts and a hoodie for the cool morning air. Ace goes crazy for her, bounding over on his big puppy feet and jumping around her. She laughingly bends and picks him up, letting him lick her chin.

“That dog loves you,” I comment. “You must like dogs.”

“I do love dogs. I wish I could have one.”

“Me, too.” Ariana was allergic to dogs and I refused to get a poodle, which was one of the few breeds she could be around. I guess there’s nothing stopping me now from having one. I should look into that.

Duper and Lovey appear.

“All packed and ready to go,” Duper announces. “You ready, Kendra?”

“Pretty much. I need coffee, though.”

“You know,” Lovey says, “you don’t have to come back with us if you want to stay longer. Max could probably give you a ride back to the city.” She tilts her head and looks at me. “Or Duncan and Amber.”

I shrug. “Sure. I can give her a ride.”

Heh. As if I didn’t already do that. My eyes meet Kendra’s and the corners of her lips twitch. “If it’s no trouble.”

“Not at all.” I swear everyone else should be able to see the sparks flashing between us.

Then Kendra turns to give Lovey a long, pointed look. Lovey returns it with an innocent stare.

“You need to eat.” Amber jumps up. “There are bagels and muffins if you want to take something for the road. Come on.”

She heads into the kitchen and Army, Duper, and Lovey follow. I meet Kendra’s eyes. She’s shaking her head.

“What?”

She rolls her eyes, but her mouth curves into a smile. “Lovey. She’s always been a little…meddling. Especially about trying to fix people up.”

I blink. Army was warning me off Kendra…but Lovey wants us together?

“I don’t know if that’s what she’s doing,” Kendra adds. “She looked all innocent.”

“Well, it was a reasonable suggestion. What time do you want to head back?”

She pulls her phone out of her shorts pocket. “Let me check my flight time.”

Once we’ve figured out a plan, we go inside to say goodbye to Lovey and Duper, then Amber suggests we use the paddleboat since we didn’t yesterday. Kendra and I head down to the dock carrying thermal mugs full of coffee. She grabs life jackets and I shake my head. “I’m not wearing that.”

She lifts an eyebrow. “You like to live dangerously.”

I eye the calm lake. “Doesn’t seem that dangerous. And I’m a pretty good swimmer.”

I smile when she abandons the jackets and climbs into the boat without one.

I untie the rope and climb in, too, giving us a push away from the dock. The boat wobbles a little as I take my seat and we start pedaling. The lake is quiet this morning, unlike yesterday afternoon when a whole bunch of boats were out towing skiers and tubers. We don’t get too far from shore, gliding along, checking out the scenery and other cottages. We hear the haunting call of a loon in the distance.

“So peaceful,” Kendra says. “So far away from Manhattan.”

“Yeah. Chicago, too. It’s good to get out of the city sometimes.”

“It is, though I love the city.”

I can’t argue with that. Nothing wrong with fresh air and the outdoors, but I enjoy Chicago.

We hang out with Army and Amber the rest of the day but leave in good time in case there are any traffic issues on I-94. The plan is for me to take Kendra straight to the airport and she’d rather get there early and kill time than be late.

We stop for a late lunch/early dinner at a little outdoor place in Des Plaines since we have plenty of time, then continue on our way to the airport.

“You don’t have to park,” she protests as we arrive at O’Hare. “You can just drop me off outside the terminal.”

“No, I’ll come in.”

I take her small suitcase from her and drag it into the terminal to the JetBlue check-in. Once that’s done, we head to security.

“I have TSA precheck,” she says. “So no waiting.”

“Awesome.”

She glances at her watch. “I have time to find some Chicago popcorn.”

“Popcorn?”

“Yeah. The cheese and caramel corn.”

“Right, right. You like that?”

“I freakin’ love it! You can get it in New York, but it’s better when it comes from the Windy City.” She winks.

“Aha. So there is something you like better about Chicago.”

She laughs. “Okay, maybe that one thing.” Then her eyes meet mine and I can almost read her mind. She’s thinking about one more thing she likes about Chicago. And it’s me. I know it. We look at each other, standing in the airport concourse, and her cheeky smile fades.

“Another goodbye,” I murmur.

“Yeah.”

I hold her gaze. “It’s weird. Every time I say goodbye to you, I don’t expect to see you again.”

“I know.” She smiles. “But we could see each other again.”

I feel my face freezing.

“I’m not suggesting a relationship.” She holds up a hand. “I know you don’t want that. But we have…fun together.”

Fun. Yeah. We definitely have fun together. But there’s more than that. There’s some kind of insane chemistry…a connection I’m not sure I even understand. “And we have great sex together.” I try to make light of it as I set my hands on her hips and pull her closer.

“We do have some amazing chemistry.”

Yeah. She feels it, too.

“So why not get together every once in a while, have hot, no-strings-attached sex, then go our separate ways until next time? That way we’re both satisfied and we can each focus on our careers.”

I gaze down into her clear green eyes. “That makes sense.”

“Right?”

I still hold her gaze. I want to be honest with her. I do need sex. And sex with her is great. It’s actually a win-win idea, because then I don’t have to think about it when I’m out for beers with the guys and girls are hitting on us. If I get horny, I know I’ll see Kendra and she understands me. “You know that’s all I’ve got, right?”

She nods slowly.

“I just want to be honest with you. No other expectations.”

“I know. A no-strings relationship is what we both need. Neither of us has time for a committed relationship. I like my space, but I like sex, too. And I think that’s how you feel right now, also.”

I brush my mouth over hers. “Okay, then. That makes saying goodbye a little easier.”

“So when should we see each other next?”

“Maybe I could come to New York for a weekend.”

She smiles. “Perfect.”