Chapter 16

The next day I’m sitting in my bright living room with my parents after having taken Dad on a tour of the gym while Mom and Kendra did a little shopping. They seem to have become BFFs. Kendra insisted on taking the train to the airport rather than me driving her there and leaving my parents for a couple hours, but I refused to allow it. We had a minor argument about how I’m not the boss of her, ending with a compromise where I will pay for a taxi. She’s now packing.

“I really like Kendra,” Mom says. “She’s wonderful. I’m so happy for you, Max.”

My gut clenches. Pressure fills my chest.

“I know how hard it was for you to lose Ariana,” she continues in a gentle tone. “I’m glad you’re moving on.”

“I’m not moving on.” The words come out roughly, thoughtlessly.

Mom’s forehead creases. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, Kendra and I aren’t…she’s really just a…a friend.”

Mom gazes back at me. “Oh. But you two seem so happy together.”

“We have fun together, but that’s it. She lives in New York. We only see each other occasionally, when it works out.” I rub the back of my neck, which is suddenly tight.

“I see.” Not only does Mom not really see, it looks like she’s disappointed, with her eyes kind of sad and her lips drooping.

“I won’t forget Ariana,” I find myself saying to her as if defending myself. I cross my arms over my chest and heat sweeps over my body.

I hear a noise in the hall and turn my head, expecting to see Kendra with her suitcase, but she’s not there.

Mom’s lips purse. “Well, of course you won’t. You loved her. But that doesn’t mean you can’t go on with your life.”

I shake my head, grinding my teeth. “Not gonna happen,” I bite out. “I have one thing in my life right now and it’s hockey. I have to make the team this year. And then I’ll get on with my life, but that will be playing hockey.”

Mom’s eyebrows pull down. “Is that really enough of a life for you?”

“Of course it is. You know how important hockey is to me.”

Dad sits forward on the couch regarding us with narrowed eyes, but doesn’t say anything.

“Yes, but you need more than that in your life,” Mom says.

“No. I don’t.” My tone sharpens. “I can’t replace Ariana. I won’t replace Ariana.”

Mom’s eyes are full of distress and she’s twisting her hands together. Shit.

“Mom, don’t worry about me.” I try to soften my voice. “I’m doing better and I’m keeping busy. I have a goal I’m focused on and I’ve been seeing more of the guys and I’m going to start helping with the Special Olympics again, and hanging out with Kendra is fun, too. So I’m good.”

“You are doing better. I’m glad we came to see you, even though we surprised you.” She eyes me. “I don’t know if you even realize how much better you’re doing.”

I don’t say anything because I’m not sure what that means. My chest feels constricted and I’m still hot, but I need to control my emotions. I don’t want to upset my parents. I know the whole reason they came was to make sure I’m okay, so I need them to believe that I am.

Kendra appears in the door with her suitcase and her purse over her shoulder, a bright smile on her face. “Well, I’m ready to go. The taxi should be here any minute.”

I stand. “Yeah.”

Kendra says goodbye to Mom and Dad with hugs and smiles and lots of genuine affection.

I can see that Mom wants to say something about seeing her again but bites her lip.

“Have a good trip home tomorrow,” Kendra says. “I’d give you advice about flying, but it probably won’t help. I know how fears aren’t rational.” She’d shared her fear of heights with Mom yesterday. “Have a big glass of wine in the airport.” She winks and Mom laughs.

The doorman calls up then to tell us the taxi’s there, and I take Kendra’s suitcase to walk down with her.

I stab the button for the elevator and tip my head back.

“Well, that wasn’t so bad,” Kendra says. “Your parents are cool.”

“Yeah, they’re okay.” I’m sweating, and my heart is pounding. We step into the elevator and I grip the handle of her luggage hard enough to crack it.

“If you met my mom, you’d know how lucky you are.”

The reminder of how crappy her childhood was makes me twitch. “I guess I probably don’t really appreciate it.”

“They both love you. And I can see how proud of you they are.”

I squeeze my eyes shut briefly. “Yeah. They are.”

Out on the sidewalk in front of the building, we pause. Her gaze moves over my face with unusual intensity, studying me. Her smile is gone, her eyes are somber, and I see her throat move as she swallows. “Well, thanks for a great weekend. I hope I didn’t interfere too much with your visit with your parents.”

My body feels stiff and tight. I nod curtly. “It was fine. You fit in great with them.”

Better than Ariana ever did.

I close my eyes as a knife stabs into my chest at the traitorous thought.

What the fuck? Why am I thinking that? My parents loved Ariana. I’m pissed because I feel like they want me to forget her. To “get over her.” I can’t do that to her. She was my wife. The woman I loved.

“Are you okay, Max?” Kendra sets a hand on my arm.

“Fuck, yeah. I’m fine.” I lift my chin at the taxi. “Better get going.”

She presses her lips together and gives a tiny nod. I see a flash of something in her eyes that might be…hurt. “Yeah.” She goes onto her toes and brushes her mouth over mine. “Bye.”

And once more I have a feeling that we’re saying goodbye forever.

The driver takes her carry-on bag and drops it into the trunk of the car as she climbs into the backseat and waves at me through the window. I lift a hand and turn to go back inside.

I’ve been avoiding Kendra. But then again, I haven’t heard from her since the weekend, so maybe she’s the one avoiding me. We’re both busy people; it’s understandable.

No, it’s understandable because I’m an asshole.

Fuck. I keep thinking about what a shithead I was that day, saying goodbye to her. I was pissed but not at her. Does she think I was mad at her about something? Probably.

Finally, I can’t stand it anymore and I text her during lunch on Friday. Hey. How’s it going?

She takes her time responding and I don’t get her message until I look at my phone later that afternoon. Good. You?

Good.

I stare in frustration at my phone. And in the most bizarre small talk topic, I text, How’s your finger vibe coming?

I could get really dirty with that.

One corner of my mouth twitches up. I’m sure you could.

It’s coming along. We’re working on a new prototype, which hopefully will be approved by our testers. Or most testers, anyway.

Good.

How’s your week going?

I’m exhausted. Been working really hard on some new drills.

This is true. Greg has us doing drills to work on speed and explosiveness. I’ve come to realize that speed is what I most need to work on. The game has gotten so much faster over the years, and seeing the young guys and how fast they are makes me feel old and sluggish. I’m not, but it’s something I need to keep up. I’ve got size, but speed and good skating are the only way I’m going to stay in the league at my age.

I’m sure it will be worth it.

Yeah.

I pause with my phone in my hand, sitting on a bench in the locker room. It better be worth it. But my mom’s comment keeps nagging me. You need more than hockey in your life.

I have other things in my life. Friends, volunteer work. I’m still thinking about getting a dog.

“You coming, Hallsy?” Rupper calls to me across the dressing room. He’s already dressed in one of his usual GQ outfits—a pair of narrow tan pants and a navy shirt.

“Yeah.” I’m still wearing a towel around my waist. I set my phone down and dress in my old jeans and an ancient Aces T-shirt. I shove my phone in my pocket and follow the rest of the guys out to the parking lot. We’re going to the Sin Bin as usual for our Friday beers.

“I don’t get why chicks get so worked up about the goddamn toilet seat,” Ben grumbles as we sit around the table at the Sin Bin.

Jacob grins. “Forgot to put it down again, huh?”

“Actually, I think it was you.” Ben glares at him accusingly.

They’re renting a furnished apartment in Streeterville. Apparently, their girlfriends were visiting them last weekend and stayed with them.

“Not me!” Jacob holds up his hands. “I’ve learned my lesson.”

“If you ever got up in the middle of the night and sat down right into the cold water you’d understand,” Tyler says. “I always sit down to piss in the middle of the night. Then I don’t have to worry about aim.”

“I just can’t remember,” Ben says. “I’m half-asleep and all I’m thinking is that I wanna drain the dragon and get back to bed.”

We all make sympathetic noises.

“Hey, Buck, that’s a nice shirt,” Rupper says to him with a chin lift.

Oh, yeah, Rupper has a mini me. Ben likes to dress even crazier than Rupper does. Today he’s wearing expensive dark jeans and a striped shirt, with a bunch of woven leather bracelets looped around his wrist that make him look cool.

“Thanks.” Buck beams.

“Not like yours.” Rupper studies my T-shirt. “What is this, throwback Thursday?”

I look down at my worn shirt, which is nice and soft. “This? This is vintage.”

Rupper snorts. “Vintage. Good one.”

Ben slides off the stool. “Be right back.” He heads to the men’s room.

My gaze lands on his cellphone, sitting on the table. Unlocked. I look up and see Rupper staring at the phone. He lifts his head and meets my eyes. A smile breaks across our faces at the same time. We both reach for the phone, but he gets it first.

Jacob frowns. “What are you doing?”

“Teaching Buck his first big league lesson.” Rupper’s thumbs are moving over the screen.

Jacob stares at him open-mouthed. “But…”

“Watch and learn, kid.” Rupper sets the phone back where he got it.

I meet his eyes again with a questioning look.

“Harmless,” he reassures me.

Social media is a land mine and we can get ourselves in enough trouble without doing it to each other. As we have seen from past mistakes.

As Ben returns, a couple girls stop by the table to chat us up, as usual. These two are young, and they’ve got eyes on Ben and Jacob, but also as usual the two young dudes are impressively faithful to their girlfriends.

When the women have left, I say to Ben and Jacob, “You guys act like you’re married.”

They both give me a weird look, Ben scrunching up his nose, Jacob’s forehead furrowing. “Yeah, I guess.”

Ben shrugs.

“You got chicks coming on to you all the time,” Tyler says. “Don’t you want to tap that?”

“Yeah, you’re young, you should be out having fun,” Kyle adds.

Jacob shrugs. “I’ve uh, been there and done that.”

“What, when you were twelve?”

“I’m not that young.” He glances at Ben. “We’re both twenty.”

“Yeah, that’s old in hockey years,” I confirm.

Jacob laughs. “Right.”

“Well, I’m not too old to fuck around.” Tyler slides off the stool. “Imma talk to that blonde over there.” And he picks up his beer and heads off.

“So what’s your plan for the fall?” I ask Ben and Jacob. “I mean, with your girlfriends. You guys aren’t thinking about marriage, are you?”

“Maybe.” Jacob makes a face. “No rush. Skylar’s got two years of college left.”

“Same with Ella,” Ben adds. “And we don’t know where we’re going to be. But I guess we’ve all learned that we have to go with the flow and deal with things when they happen.”

“That’s a good attitude.”

“Thanks for the help you’ve been giving me,” Jacob says. “I appreciate it. Need all the help I can get.”

“You’re gonna be okay, kid.” It’s not hard to see his talent and his work ethic. Even if it doesn’t happen this year, he’ll be playing in the NHL at some point.

“Why is my phone blowing up?” Ben picks up the phone and peers at it. “On Twitter. What the fuck?”

He starts reading. His eyes narrow. His eyebrows pull together. His mouth tightens. “What the hell…Jesus Christ.” Then he clues in. “I didn’t…Who did this?”

We all attempt an innocent look.

“Never leave your phone unattended and unlocked,” I lecture him. Then I grin. “What does it say?” I lean over to try to see, but he pulls his phone away.

I shrug and unlock my own phone. I follow him on Twitter; it won’t be hard to find. I laugh when I see his Tweet: I’ve decided to stop wearing underwear.

I scroll through the approximately six hundred replies and retweets, many of them from women, some including images of panties and bras. “Jesus.”

Everyone else is doing the same and busting a gut laughing.

“I guess it’s too late to delete it,” Ben says with a groan. “Fuck me.”

“Never too late.” We laugh more. Yeah, it’s juvenile. I’m now fondly remembering some of the stupid pranks my teammates and I have pulled over the years. After I met Ariana, I stopped doing them because she thought they were childish, but I have to admit the teenage boy inside me still gets a kick out of it.

I end up going to a movie with Ben, Jacob, and Kyle. Tyler disappears with the girl he met and Rupper heads home to his girlfriend and daughter. The movie’s not bad, an action flick with lots of car chases and explosions. We grab another beer after and then head our separate ways home.

Being with the guys is fun, but I feel like there’s something missing. Yeah, we trash-talk each other and talk about crude shit and laugh a lot. But sometimes the insults get old. The odd compliment is nice, yanno? And even though I know these guys like me, it’s not…I don’t know. I don’t even know where I’m going with this.

In my condo, I look at my phone. No more text messages from Kendra.

I sit on my couch and stare at the phone for a while. I think about the last time I saw her. The flash of hurt in her eyes, but the way she lifted her chin and smiled and said goodbye. Fuck, I’m an asshole. I blow out a long breath and sit up straighter.

I tap in a message. Hey. I need to apologize.

It’s not late. But I sit and wait for a reply for a long time before I go to bed with a hard lump in my gut.

In the morning I see her reply.

Sorry couldn’t answer sooner. Was out for dinner and didn’t want to be rude. Apologize for what?

Out for dinner? With who? I glare at my phone. Had she been on a date with some other guy?

I guess there’s no reason she couldn’t be. We sure as hell never committed to being exclusive. After all, the whole deal was that we were hooking up from time to time without any commitment. This doesn’t bug me. Not at all.

I square my shoulders. I acted like a douche on Sunday when you were leaving. I’m sorry.

Again, there’s a pause. I picture her thinking about what to say. Then my phone rings. The screen shows her name. I smile and answer. “Hey.”

“Hey. I thought this might be better if we talked.”

“You’re probably right.”

“So why did you act like a douche?”

“I notice you’re not denying it.”

I hear a soft huff of laughter. “No. You were definitely a douche.”

I sit on my couch and lean back. “I don’t even know why.”

After a short, heavy pause, she says, “Well, maybe you should figure it out.”

I frown.

“Were you angry at me?” she asks quietly.

“No!”

“Do you want to end things with us?”

“No.” This time my answer is quieter but firm. “I don’t.” I swallow. “I guess I wouldn’t blame you if you do, though.”

She sighs.

“Were you out on a date last night?”

A beat passes, and then she says, “Why?”

“You said you were out for dinner and didn’t want to answer my text. I thought maybe you were out with some other guy.”

She doesn’t answer right away. “And if I was?”

I close my eyes. “I would hate that.”

“Max.” I hear another soft exhale. “You don’t get to do that.”

“Do what?”

“You don’t get to blow me off one day, then be jealous if I see someone else.”

“I’m not jealous.”

This time there’s an even longer pause. “Okay. If you say so.”

I rub my eyes. “Fuck. I’m being an asshole again. I was jealous. I know I have no right to be, but I was.”

“I wasn’t on a date.”

I puff out a breath. “Okay, good. And I’m sorry again. You’re right. I’m just…confused, I guess.” There’s a burning in my chest that spreads through my whole body. My mind is racing uselessly to try to describe what I’m feeling.

“Max.” Her voice is gentle. “You need to figure things out.”

My breath is coming in short respirations as a feeling of pressure mounts inside me. I want to deny that there’s anything to figure out, but I can’t lie. I know there is. And I know I have to. “Yeah,” I say roughly. “I guess I do.”

“You need some time.”

What does that mean? “Are you breaking up with me?”

“It might be what you need.”

“No.” I pause. “I need you.”