CHAPTER ELEVEN
OLIVIA WASN’T SURE how she made it through the ride from her dad’s property back to her car out in front of Sugar Cup. By the time she got back home she was shaking. She had kissed Luke again.
He had kissed her.
He had made it very plain that he wanted more.
She had asked him to kiss her. Asked him to touch her. She couldn’t even say what insanity had gripped her when she’d said that to him. They’d been standing by the river and there was something on his face she’d never seen before.
Even while he was joking about Solo cups and beer, it was there. This deep sadness and a burning hunger that resonated inside of her. She’d wanted to touch it. Had wanted to take it on board for him. Or just feel. Feel that deeply. With that much rawness.
And she had. Oh, she had.
She was a jumbled-up mess. She couldn’t deny that. It didn’t make sense. Feeling like she did about Bennett... Like he was supposed to be the future, and also wanting Luke with so much strength she thought she might die of it.
Bennett was stability. He was the key to that happy life she had spent so many years imagining. Luke was the itch underneath her skin that she couldn’t scratch.
Was she really no better than this? No better than she had spent so many years trying to be?
She and Vanessa were twins. Right now, she wondered if they were as different as she’d always believed. Or if, for her, the need to please had simply been stronger than her impulses. Maybe they were really all there inside her.
There was a very firm knock on her front door and she startled, an image of Luke flashing behind her eyes. Was he here? Was he here to try and... Convince her?
The real question was: Could she be convinced?
Seduced.
That was the word. Seduced.
Luke wasn’t talking about doing more kissing. Luke was talking about sex.
She shivered.
Sex made her... Well, more than a little bit nervous. She had spent so long putting it off, so long trying to cultivate control, trying to make sure that she was the creative director of her own life, that the idea of stripping everything away and getting naked with somebody seemed...
Too much. Like it would strip away all the layers she counted on to protect herself. To keep herself safe and sane.
And something that was off in the future. Something that wouldn’t happen until Bennett put a ring on her finger.
There was another knock, and she realized that she had not gone to the door, but was standing there ruminating. Heart in her throat she moved quickly to the door, flinging it open. And her heart plummeted into her feet when she saw not Luke, but Bennett.
“What are you doing here?” She realized that she hadn’t spoken two words to him since that day they had broken up at the Copper Ridge Christmas Tree Lighting, in front of an entire crowd of people.
And her first words to him were What are you doing here?
That would not be a story for the grandchildren. Assuming there were grandchildren. She frowned. Why was she doubting this?
“I need to talk to you,” he said.
“Well, I didn’t figure you were selling Girl Scout cookies,” she said, feeling testy.
He arched a brow. “Was that sarcasm, Olivia?”
She returned the raised eyebrow. “Yes it was, Bennett. Come in.”
She stepped away from the door and moved to the side so that he could walk through.
She hadn’t been this close to him in well over a month. He smelled the same. Like basic soap and hay. Hard work.
His sleeves were pushed up his forearms, revealing his muscles, and the scars on his hands from where he’d taken some teeth from the animals he cared for. Her eyes fell to a particularly deep groove on the back of his hand that he’d gotten courtesy of a distressed Australian shepherd.
A wound and a situation he’d taken with steady calm, as he did most everything. He was a good man. There was no question.
He used to be hers.
The familiarity of him made her chest ache. Those brown eyes that she used to gaze into, those lips she had kissed countless times. The square jaw she had traced with her fingertips whenever she had gotten the chance.
He was beautiful.
And he didn’t make her feel reckless. Didn’t make her feel out of control. He made her feel nice. Made her feel like there was a beautiful, stable future spread out in front of her. Made her think of things like home and family. Children, lovely ranch houses.
He made her think of golden retrievers.
They would definitely have a golden retriever. Maybe a golden retriever and a lab. Bennett loved animals.
She thought they were only okay, but they made a very nice mental image in her domestic fantasy.
He didn’t make her think of getting naked. Didn’t make her think of sweat and tangled-up bedsheets.
Unbidden, her mind went back to that kiss from a few minutes earlier, down by the river.
Made her think of Luke.
Luke made her think about tangled bedsheets.
“I’m here to talk to you about Luke,” he said, and for a moment she was afraid he could read her mind.
“What about him?” she asked, feeling grouchy and combative. Not at all how she’d imagined she might feel in this situation.
“You shouldn’t be seeing him,” Bennett said, shaking his head.
“Why?”
“He’s not good for you. And he’s allergic to commitment. Olivia, I know how much you want a commitment.”
“Not a generic commitment, Bennett,” she said. “I wanted a commitment from you.” She really, truly had. But she wasn’t sure at all if that was still true.
That made her feel like she was falling into a pit. Endless and dark. Nothing to pull her back.
He frowned. “Right.”
“I’m a grown woman, you know.” Even if she didn’t feel like one. Even if she felt like an irrational child who had no clue what she was doing.
“I do know,” he said. “I also know that you don’t have any experience with men. I know that I was a damn sight more patient with you than most other guys in my position would have been. I respected the hell out of you, and believe me when I tell you men who are willing to do that aren’t in easy supply. I doubt Luke is interested in waiting for anything.”
“Luke hasn’t asked me to do anything I didn’t want to,” she said, speaking with total honesty.
Because everything that had happened with Luke might have scared her a little bit, but she had certainly wanted it at the time.
Bennett scrubbed his hand over his forehead and let out a long, slow breath. “Let’s get back together, Olivia,” he said. The words were heavy. Decisive. But not filled with any kind of happiness. “Being apart any longer is stupid. You want to get married, and I want you to be happy.”
“You do?”
His words spread over her like sunshine on a cold day. And she waited to feel the warmth. But she didn’t. She felt numb. He was offering her what she wanted. He had just said the words she had fantasized about hearing him say ever since she had first broken up with him. And she didn’t feel happy. Not even a little.
“I want you safe,” he said. “I want to take care of you.”
He hadn’t said he loved her. And if she had been as over-the-moon elated as she had initially imagined she might be when she’d fantasized about this moment, she might not have noticed that.
But she was more than numb. She was rational. And rational Olivia definitely noticed the absence of declarations of deep emotion.
“You want to take care of me?”
“Yes,” he confirmed.
“You want to keep me safe?” she asked, incredulous.
“Yes, Olivia, that’s what I just said.”
Suddenly, rage sparked through her. Pure, unmitigated rage. Unexpected as it was welcome. “I am not a hen, Bennett,” she said, advancing on him.
He frowned, his dark brows knitting together, a crease appearing in the center of his forehead. “You’re not a hen. What the hell does that mean?”
“I’m not a...a little chicken that you need to protect. I am a woman. I don’t want you to baby me. I don’t want you to placate me. Is that what you’re here to do? To offer to wrap me in cotton wool for the rest of my life?”
“We’re a good match, Olivia. You know that. Everybody knows that.” He shook his head. “What’s wrong with wanting to keep you safe? Why does that bother you? I thought it was what you wanted.”
“Do you love me?” The question fell from her lips before she could stop it. And then she realized she didn’t even want to stop it.
She deserved an answer.
Suddenly, the answer was everything.
“Olivia...”
“You don’t,” she said, fully seeing it now. Fully understanding.
“We make sense,” he said, lifting a shoulder. “For me that’s good enough.”
“It’s not good enough for me.” And she realized that, until recently, it had been. Bennett had never said that he loved her. She had ignored that. She ignored it because she had been so certain that he probably did, he just hadn’t verbalized it. But mostly, the image of what the relationship could be mattered more than what it actually was.
“Are you rejecting me because of Luke?”
“Maybe,” she said, feeling angry now. “Maybe I am. And it’s none of your business if I do. Not at all. I could dance naked with him down Main Street and it wouldn’t be your business. I can do whatever I want with him.”
“I really, really don’t want you to do that,” he said. He dragged his hand over his face, and she suddenly noticed lines by his eyes, his mouth, that she’d never seen before. She wondered if they were new. Or if she was just suddenly seeing that he was human, and not the superhero she’d glossed him into for the past decade. “He’s going to hurt you. The idea of seeing you hurt...” He let out a frustrated breath. “That’s not what I want.”
“You hurt me,” she said. “You let me think that you loved me.”
He frowned. “I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to make you believe something that wasn’t true. And it would be easy for me to lie to you now, Olivia. It would be easy for me to give you the words. But it’s not you, it’s me. I’m not ever going to love someone. But I definitely wanted that life. The life that we both want.”
Her actions over the past month suddenly seemed glaring, humiliating, in light of the revelation about Bennett’s feeling. She had been making a spectacle of herself for this. Over a man who wanted to swaddle her rather than love her passionately.
She wanted to be good. She had spent so many years trying to be. But she had thought that somewhere in that would be the reward of having a man who loved her to distraction. The way that her father loved her mother. She had been certain that she could have both. That she could behave and have passion. Passion in its place.
But standing there looking at Bennett now she was keenly aware that they didn’t actually have any.
“You wasted a year of my life,” she said. “You didn’t tell me that you couldn’t fall in love. Whatever that’s supposed to mean.”
“Olivia...” He broke off for a moment, his gaze fixed on the white clock on the wall. “There are things about me that you don’t know.”
More anger flooded her then, a relief, because it was better than the crushing sadness and hint of humiliation she’d felt a moment earlier.
“Does Kaylee know them?” she asked.
“Kaylee doesn’t have anything to do with this,” he said through gritted teeth.
“She might. I really think she might. You were closer to her than you ever were to me. I was your girlfriend, but she’s the person that you spend all of your time with. She’s the person you confide in. You protect me. And that’s not the same. We don’t... Bennett, we never had a real relationship. I thought that we did. I was honest with you. I told you everything about me. You know about Vanessa. You know that I...that I’ve never been with anyone. You know exactly why I wanted to wait until we were engaged.”
“Yes,” he said, his voice hard as he found some of his own anger. “You wanted to wait until we were engaged because you were trying to hold it over my head. Just like you were trying to force me into proposing when you broke up with me. Don’t think I didn’t realize that.”
Her cheeks flamed. He was right. To a degree, he was right. And she couldn’t deny it. It all seemed small and silly now. Like something someone else would do, but not her. “Okay. So maybe I tried that. But, I had feelings for you, too. It isn’t like it was a cold-eyed calculation. It made sense to me.”
“And that’s why I let you get away with it,” he said. “I’m not the kind of guy that lets somebody manipulate them, Olivia. I went into it with my eyes open. Because you did mean something to me. Our relationship meant something to me.”
“Why?” If it wasn’t love, she sure as hell couldn’t figure out what.
“You’re special. I wanted to keep you safe.”
“Why?” she pressed.
“Because your father asked me to.”
She felt like the room was spinning. Like the floor was waving beneath her feet. “My father asked you to date me?”
“When he had the heart attack a few years ago, he asked me to look after you. He was afraid...after that he felt like there was no guarantee he would be around for you. I waited, because you’re so young. But then... The time seemed right. He had recovered, but it still seemed like the right thing to do.”
“My father asked you to date me.” Each word tasted like a curse. “He asked you to take care of me. And you agreed. I’m your charity girlfriend. And you were going to let me be your charity wife.”
“It was beneficial for both of us, Olivia. I didn’t see the problem with it.”
Olivia exploded. “No wonder you were so happy to let me have my little manipulations. You saw right through them anyway. And you never cared. It was never hard for you because you don’t want me. Which I bet you laugh about over beers with the woman you actually do confide in.” She closed her eyes. “Are you sleeping with Kaylee?”
“Hell, no,” he said. “I haven’t touched another woman since you and I got together, or since we split up. Which is more than I can say for you.”
“We’re not together anymore. So I can touch Luke Hollister all I want. Not because my father asked him to touch me, either. He wants me. He actually wants me. And maybe it’ll end badly, Bennett. But right now I don’t really care. I would rather take my chances with him than deal with you.”
“Olivia...”
“Get out of my house.”
She pointed toward the front door. They stood for a moment, staring at each other. Bennett’s jaw was locked, his expression stoic, and she had a feeling that for her part she looked like a rumpled creature with red cheeks and wild hair. But she didn’t care.
She didn’t need to look good for Bennett. Not anymore.
Bennett nodded once, then turned and walked out of her house, shutting the door firmly behind him.
She sat on the couch, her entire face cold, pinpricks dotting her skin. Bennett had called her out on her manipulations. They were real, and she couldn’t deny them. She had been using him. Using him because she had been convinced that he was the key to her happiness. Oh, with all of that she had also been convinced she loved him. But she couldn’t deny the other things.
It had just never occurred to her that he had been using her, too. Or worse, doing her father a favor.
Suddenly, she wanted to rage at everyone. Against the whole world. Against the dad that she loved so much, against the past year of her life, and every moment she had ever labored under the illusion that she might be heartbroken.
She wanted to do something dangerous.
And the most dangerous thing she could think of was Luke Hollister.