CHAPTER FIVE
SHE DIDN’T NEED the reminder text that morning from Luke, letting her know that they were supposed to go to the saloon that night. That they weren’t meeting there. That he was going to pick her up and drive her to create more of a spectacle. She remembered.
It was all she’d been able to think about all day.
It had been a slow day, which hadn’t helped. They didn’t have the farm-to-table dinners during the colder months, and weddings weren’t particularly popular through January. They’d done a gorgeous Christmas wedding in one of the old barns, with white lights and holly boughs, a magnificent tree at the center of the massive room. Not that Olivia had enjoyed it since it had come on the heels of her breakup with Bennett and she’d been feeling more than a little Scroogey.
Right now the vast dining area was empty. She had a feeling that people would start to filter in sometime around lunch. There were always groups of friends who lived in between the towns who found it the perfect central meeting location for afternoon luncheons, fruit and cheese plates and a bit of wine with their conversation.
There was always something to do. There just wasn’t enough. In fact, in order to fill her time Olivia had resorted to picking at her manicure, and she never did that. She had a date tonight; she really needed her manicure in good condition.
Her stomach felt like it dropped a couple of inches. She did not have a date tonight. It wasn’t a real date. Nope.
“You seem distracted today.”
Olivia looked up to see that her boss, Lindy, was staring at her speculatively.
“I’m not distracted,” she said, the back of her mind blaring Luke’s name like a neon sign. Calling her a liar.
“Did you give Wyatt the pamphlets?”
“He wasn’t there. But I left them with Luke Hollister. I’m not sure if you know him.”
“Is he the guy that brought you in the other morning?” Lindy asked, her tone suggestive.
Olivia didn’t understand why just being with Luke would make Lindy think something was going on with him. Olivia didn’t understand the rules to casual relationships and hookups.
She hoped Luke did. He seemed confident enough. In absolutely everything.
Except his ability to convince her father to sell him that property without her input. She had been turning that bit of information over for the past fourteen hours. It was difficult to imagine Luke being uncertain. It was easy to imagine him walking up to her father and sticking out his hand, shaking it. Giving him that cocky grin and saying, Cole Logan, I want to buy that plot of land you have for sale there.
Yes, that was startlingly easy for her to imagine.
She cleared her throat. “I’ve known him for a long time. He’s very good friends with Bennett’s family. You know, the Dodge family. The family that we were just talking about.” She was rambling. And she did not ramble.
“Yes,” Lindy said. “I do know the Dodge family.”
“You don’t like Wyatt very much, do you?” she asked.
Lindy frowned. “I don’t know Wyatt that well. It isn’t that I don’t like him. It’s that I have a strong suspicion of bull riders as a species. Cocky, arrogant assholes. Every last one of them. And the only man worse than a bull rider is the man who sells them as decent human beings. Damien did a lot of work with Wyatt in particular when he did ad campaigns and things. And, since you figure jackasses of a feather flock together, and Wyatt used to flock with Damien...”
“Didn’t Dane used to hang out with them, too?” Olivia asked, referring to Lindy’s brother.
“I suppose so,” Lindy said. “I don’t know. Wyatt is just one of those guys. He’s too... A lot of things.”
Olivia could relate to that assessment. That was kind of how she felt about Luke. He was too much. Too many things. How could one man contain so much? Self-assurance, attitude, a smile that seemed to light up the room and everyone in it. But lit up parts of her that made her flush to think about.
That thought stunned her. And for a full second she couldn’t think of anything to say.
“Are you okay?” Lindy pressed her. She wasn’t doing a good job of convincing Lindy that everything was okay. Mostly because she wasn’t entirely sure that it was.
“I have a date tonight,” she said. “With not Bennett.”
Lindy’s face relaxed, one corner of her lips turning upward. “Oh. And that’s hard? Weird?”
She felt guilty, because of course her boss was associating it with her divorce. With moving on after a long-term relationship. And Olivia hadn’t actually moved on. “I guess. I just... It’s not really a date. I want Bennett to see that I’ve moved on. And for him to not like that.”
“Okay,” Lindy said. “Are you sure that’s a good idea?”
“No,” Olivia said, feeling miserable. “I don’t. But I don’t know what else to do. And when he suggested it...”
“When who suggested it?”
“Luke. When I went to talk to Luke last night, he suggested it.”
Lindy’s eyebrows shot upward. “I see.”
“Do you? Can you help me figure out if I’m crazy or not?”
“You might be,” Lindy said. “But I hear love does that to you.”
The dining room was empty, no customers in sight, so Olivia slumped at the nearest bistro table, propping her chin up on her elbows. “Were you miserable after your divorce?”
Lindy sighed and walked around to the other side of the table. She sat down, putting her hand over Olivia’s. “I was a lot more miserable leading up to it. It’s hard to find out that someone you love isn’t who you thought they were. Or I guess that someone you love is exactly who you were afraid they might be, but you ignored all the signs.”
“Bennett is who I think he is. He’s a good man. I was impatient. I broke up with him because I wanted to have him make a commitment. And now...”
“You regret it.”
“Yes.”
“Olivia, I’m not an expert on love. Obviously. I think everyone knew that my husband was a bad bet. Everyone except me. But what I can tell you about loving someone is that it doesn’t make sense. And sometimes you do the wrong thing hoping that the right thing will come out of it. And sometimes you hurt each other even when you don’t mean to. Because loving someone is scary. So, sometimes you act scared.”
“Bennett is acting scared,” Olivia said.
She wasn’t scared. Commitment didn’t scare her at all. It was what she wanted. It was that end goal. That bright, shining beacon she had been working toward for so many years. She would have that life, that perfect life. A little house all her own, a husband. It was what she had always wanted. There was nothing to be scared of when it came to marriage as far as she was concerned. Her parents had a wonderful marriage. She aspired to that. To that good life that they led.
To being that kind of person.
Scary was the unknown. Scary was having your future tossed high up into the air. It was having no plan. Being aimless. It was how Vanessa lived her entire life, as far as Olivia could see. Her twin sister, the person she had been closest to from birth, was a virtual stranger now.
Her partying, her drug use, had taken everything from them that they used to share. Even their looks. Nobody would think they were sisters now, much less identical twins.
Her sister was so thin. Wasted down to nothing, her skin ravaged, her eyes dull, her hair lank.
That was where aimlessness got you. It was where living for the moment got you. And Olivia had never been that person. No, plans didn’t scare her. Permanence didn’t scare her. It was all those other things in between.
“Well,” Lindy said, “men get gun-shy when commitment is on the table.”
“I’m not scared of getting married. Or having a relationship.”
“But apparently you’re scared of having an honest conversation with the man that you claim you’re ready to marry?”
Olivia placed her hand on her chest, where it felt like Lindy’s words had literally stuck into her like a sword. “I just... I have some pride. I’m not going to beg him. I need him to try and get a better understanding of his feelings. Through... Seeing what his life might be like without me. I want him to understand that he needs me by saying that maybe I don’t need him.”
“But don’t you need him?”
Olivia frowned. “Yes. But I have to have some pride.”
“Okay. So, your version of having pride is trying to trick the man that you say you’re in love with, by pretending to date a different man, so that he’ll feel bad and ask you to marry him?”
Olivia did not like this line of conversation at all. Because when Lindy said it like that, it just sounded sad. And it didn’t sound at all like it did when she thought about it. When it came from inside of her it all seemed logical. Repeated back at her it sounded manipulative and that wasn’t what she felt.
“I’m just saying,” Lindy said. “At a certain point in your relationship you’re going to have been together for a long time. That’s what marriage is. It’s forever. It’s supposed to be. And you’re going to reach a point there where you realize you didn’t practice telling each other the truth. You didn’t practice sharing what was in your heart, what you were feeling, what you had for breakfast. And you’re going to realize that you live with a stranger. And so does he.”
“I don’t think you can compare what happened with you and Damien to me and Bennett,” Olivia said. “And I don’t think it’s fair for you to try and take blame for anything. For you to say that he didn’t know you as if somehow you could have told him what kind of cereal you had that day and he wouldn’t have cheated on you.”
“That’s the thing,” Lindy said. “He did the wrong thing. And he took us to a place where for me... We couldn’t come back from it. But he didn’t take us there by himself. He didn’t get started on the road on his own. As much as it pains me to say it, our divorce isn’t only his fault.”
“I don’t understand how that could be. You do the right thing, and you keep going forward on the right path, and things like that don’t happen. He’s the one that strayed.”
“Yes,” Lindy said. “He did. But why? It’s the answer to that question that sits uncomfortably with me. Just... As I told you, I’m not an expert. I’m thirty-four years old and divorced with absolutely no prospects on the horizon. But I was married for ten years and I do know a little something about that. And about all the things that can go wrong. So just... Consider having a conversation with him? You don’t have to cry or make a fool out of yourself. But... It might not be the worst idea.”
Olivia frowned. “I don’t know what I would say to him.” To tell him that she was unhappy because she couldn’t see where her life was going anymore? To tell him that she loved him and was miserable without him? That settled uncomfortably in her chest, too. Because it felt... Wrong. Like it might not even be true.
“I don’t know,” Lindy said. “Maybe I don’t know what I’m talking about with you and Bennett.”
“It’s not like I didn’t tell him,” Olivia said. “I told him I wanted to marry him. And he said he didn’t want to do that yet. I haven’t been lying to him. I told him exactly what I wanted. I just want him to make a decision. A final decision. I’m the one that broke up with him. And I feel like he’s the one who has to either close the door on it forever or come back. I would prefer that he came back.”
Lindy sighed heavily. “I get that. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I accused you of not asking for what you wanted. I know that you did. And you know... My marriage didn’t work. So, you probably really shouldn’t listen to me because I’m bitter and cynical, and I feel like I don’t much believe in the power of love right now. So go on, make him jealous. I hope that he sees you with Luke and is overcome by the desire to pick you up and carry you back to his bed.”
Olivia shifted uncomfortably. “I’d settle for an engagement ring.”
A subtle crease appeared between Lindy’s brows. “Right. Good luck tonight.”
Olivia forced a smile. “Thank you.” She had a feeling she was going to need to find a rabbit holding a four-leaf clover between its toes before she had the proper amount of luck she would need tonight, but she was just going to stick with a simple thank you.
A group of three women walked in after that, and Olivia was saved from her thoughts. She hoped that she could find a way to stay busy enough to avoid thinking for the rest of the afternoon. But she had a feeling that was a tad optimistic.
Still, considering that tonight she had a date with Luke Hollister, optimism was necessary.