As expected, Danny landed the contract after his job in Karlsruhe. He was going to be part of a massive marketing campaign for a well-known brand of cologne. He was at the height of his career thus far. This one shoot would pay more than I earned in an entire year. And after this campaign, he’d be flooded with other offers. He’d already received several, but he hadn’t signed anything yet.

My final exams went quite a bit better than expected. I went in well-prepared and came out feeling good. And my feeling had proven right: I ended up with an A-minus. The results smoothed things over between me and my parents after weeks of tension, and Danny was incredibly relieved, as well. Knowing how badly he wanted me to do well had motivated me a lot more than my parents’ obnoxious nagging.

“You did great,” he told me when he heard, circling his arms around me. “You’ve earned a free wish. Anything you want, it’s yours.”

“I don’t want anything.” My only wish was for him to be healthy and happy.

“But you deserve something nice,” he insisted. “Pick something!”

“You’re buying me a trip to America this winter. That’s more than enough, really!” After a lot of back and forth, we finally decided to wait until the end of the year to fly out. It had been more than seven weeks since the accident, but Danny’s broken ribs were still giving him far too much trouble. He’d done his breathing exercises every day in the beginning, until he could inhale normally again, and he’d slept on his left side every night despite the pain. So his X-ray results were all the more frustrating: two of his ribs were still completely broken, and the other two were deeply cracked. The doctor ordered him to rest even longer and strongly discouraged him from taking pain medication so that he’d immediately feel when he was overdoing it.

Danny hadn’t taken painkillers even once outside of the hospital, and he’d stopped doing sports entirely. But none of it seemed to be helping, which was unusual. Normally, he recovered quickly from broken bones and other injuries.

On one particular Saturday morning, he sat down at the computer after breakfast and, a little while later, called me over. I sat down on his lap and looked at the screen. He was clicking around on a car dealership’s website. “Pick one out,” he ordered.

“One what?”

“A car, Ducky, what else?”

“What would I do with a car? I already have one.”

Danny sighed and cursed under his breath at how slow I was. “I need a car,” he explained. “If I don’t get mobile again, I’m going to lose my mind.”

“So why do you want me to pick one out? Are you buying two?”

He turned to give me a look of annoyance. It wasn’t like him to be so testy. “Are you doing this on purpose?” he asked.

I shook my head, and he sighed again. “Okay, let’s try this one more time. I want to buy myself a car, and I want it to be one you like, because eventually, it’ll go to you.”

I was starting to suspect where he was going with this, but I played dumb. When had he gotten so pessimistic? “Why should I get your car? You need it yourself.”

He pushed me off his lap and stood up. “You should start getting used to the idea that I’m not going to live forever.” His voice was dangerously quiet.

“Danny... Is there something I don’t know?”

“Why can’t you ever do what I tell you and just pick yourself out a fucking car?” he snapped.

“Because I don’t want a goddamn car,” I retorted in an even icier tone. Why was he cursing at me so often these days? He’d hardly ever cursed before. He’d cracked jokes, he’d laughed all the time, he’d messed around. But since Christina had left us, he’d started to curse.

When I think back to this conversation now, I feel terrible for Danny and I regret the way I acted. He’d wanted to buy me a car because he loved me, and because he wanted his worldly possessions to go to me. But I was just too pigheaded to accept that he wouldn’t be driving the car until it was ready for the junkyard. I really wish I had just gone with him to find a car. Not because I’d have gotten a new car—but just to make him happy. But that day, all I wanted was for him to stop thinking so negatively.

“Fine,” Danny said at last, looking offended. “Then I’ll pick out a car I like, and you’ll just have to take what you get.”

“By the time I get your car, it’ll be an antique, and I won’t want it anymore anyway.”

Danny shook his head, running his hand through his hair, and then crossed his arms. “What am I going to do with you?”

All at once, I knew. “There’s something you’re not telling me. You know more than you’re admitting.” He hadn’t said anything all this time because he wanted to protect me. He’d only reveal what he knew once he was sure I’d be able to handle the truth, or else he’d wait until there was no getting around it anymore.

“I’m going out to buy a car now. Are you coming with me?” He took a checkbook out of the drawer.

“So you’re just going to go shell out a ton of money on a new car right now, today? Why can’t you get a used one?”

“I can’t stand buying stuff other people have already used.”

“That’s completely stupid!”

“Oh, yeah? Why? Because a new car wouldn’t be worth it for me anymore? It would just be wasted on me?” His voice was cold, accusatory.

“I didn’t say that.”

“But you were thinking it!”

“That’s not true!”

“What were you thinking, then? That it’s a waste because I’ll just drive it into a ditch or wrap it around a tree? I’m not stupid! I’ll get it fully insured!”

“I think it’s stupid of you to spend that much money on a car when we’re planning on buying a house together next year!”

Danny snorted. “I can get both. I’ll put a smaller down payment on the house, and I’ll pay it off over a longer period.” With a look of pure frustration, he added, “Oh, wait, I forgot. I won’t have enough time to pay it off. I have a fatal illness, don’t you know.”

Why were we fighting? We’d never fought before, not once.

“I just thought we were going to buy these things together,” I said, trying to steer the conversation in a different direction. “I thought that was what you wanted, too.”

“When has anyone ever cared what I wanted?” he asked bitterly.

“I care, Danny! Don’t blame me for your life!”

“What are you going to do with a house all to yourself? Do you want to live out the rest of your days all alone in there, a sad, old widow? Maybe you should buy a house with someone you can actually live in it with.”

“You know what?” I screamed at him, mainly to keep him from noticing that I was close to tears. “Just go get your goddamn car!”

“Yeah, I will.” He said it calmly and firmly, without raising his voice. Without another word, he stomped past me and grabbed the house keys from the hook on the wall. Then he turned around and threw me a furious look. “When I’m dead, it’ll be your car, and you’ll be mad at yourself forever because you didn’t come with me to pick it out yourself.” Then he stalked out, slamming the door behind him.

Hurt, I took a deep breath, then ran to the living room window and wrenched it open. “Danny, you don’t have to walk!” I called. “Take my car!”

“No, thanks! I’m happy to walk!”

Furious, I banged the window shut again. Now he was dead set on tromping down the road with broken ribs. Mules were cooperative by comparison. I sank to the floor in resignation, already regretting not having gone with him.

 

Danny was gone the entire day. Sometime in the early evening, a pitch-black BMW with a red license plate came rolling up the street. It was the follow-up model to his old car. Lower to the ground, with the same external fog lights. Danny parked on the side of the road—a three-point parking job, something I’d never manage. Sighing, I walked out and planted myself on the sidewalk, hands on my hips.

Danny got out, grinning broadly. “Well, what do you think?” He was in a fantastic mood again.

“Gorgeous,” I replied sarcastically.

He rattled off a series of technical specifications, but I was only half-listening. “I think it’s great,” he concluded.

“You’re driving around in a car worth as much as a two-bedroom condo. Very sensible, Danny. Great work there!” I patted him on the shoulder to underscore my words.

His euphoria evaporated immediately. “You’re right,” he admitted. “That was dumb of me.”

“Sure was. But hindsight…you know.”

Danny gave me a sad look. “I should have just given you the money instead of buying myself a car. You and your new partner could have used it as a down payment on your house.”

I rolled my eyes.

“Why didn’t you tell me that before?” he asked accusingly.

“What new partner? Who says I’ll ever want to be with anyone else? Danny, stop planning my future without asking me!” I didn’t want to hear any of it. There was no place in my head for life without him.

“Ducky, I have to plan your future. I don’t have one of my own.” He thought for a moment. “I’ll put the purchase order and all the documentation in the glove compartment, and I’ll actually take care of my stuff for a change. That way, the car will stay like new, and after I die, you can sell it. It’ll be worth a couple thousand less, but you’ll be able to handle that—I’ve got more than enough in my bank account. It’ll all be yours. Use it to buy a house. For you and your family… Yeah, that’s a good plan. What do you say, Ducky?”

I walked back into the apartment without a word and left him standing outside.