Chapter 19

Sela

“Are you sure you don’t want to come with us?” Beck asks as he pulls a sweatshirt over his head. I watch as his head pokes through the top, messing his hair up. He threads his arms through and tugs the bottom down. So simple and so sexy. He runs his fingers through his mop, perhaps making it messier and even sexier, and I have to restrain myself from launching myself at him.

I seem to want to perpetually do that.

“No, I’m going to stay here and give you quality time with Caroline and Ally,” I tell him firmly. “They’re leaving tomorrow and I want you to have some alone time.”

Beck steps into me, wraps his arms around my waist, and pulls me into his body. I tilt my face up, oh so naturally to accept his lips, and he leans down. A soft kiss and a smile. “You know the time would be more quality if you came with us.”

“Nice try, Mr. North,” I tell him as I pull out of his embrace before I’m tempted. “But I’m staying and you’re going. And you’re not going to change my mind.”

I really do want him to change my mind, but I also think he needs this time with his sister and niece. They’ve been here only twenty-four hours, but I’ve seen enough to know that they are incredibly close as siblings and that they don’t get to see each other enough.

I’m not quite sure why though. Caroline and Ally live north in Healdsburg, only about an hour and a half away, but as far as I can tell, they only really see each other at holidays. Beck told me last night as we lay in bed together that Caroline hates the city and Beck is always so busy he just has a hard time getting away. It was with a bit of sadness and shame that he said, “Work just gets in the way sometimes.”

I snuggled in closer to him, distressed on his behalf over things he’s missing out on.

Then he added, “And I’m starting to realize that work might not be the most important thing.”

That prompted me to kiss him.

That prompted him to roll me on to my back, whereby he plunged into me swiftly. He rocked against me slowly, keeping his mouth on mine the entire time to swallow my cries so Caroline and Ally couldn’t hear us. God, it was fantastic, the way we just undulated against each other, barely moving, yet I felt him everywhere. It took a while for us both to build up to climax, and then the coup de grâce of all perfect fucking happened. We had simultaneous orgasms that caused us to shudder and gasp in surprise.

I was so overwhelmed I murmured into his chest, “Beck…it’s never been like this. Ever.”

“I know,” was all he said in return.

We fell asleep in that position and stayed wrapped tight against each other all night.

“Okay,” Beck says as he pulls away from me. “We’re going to head over to the Ferry Building and poke around for a while. Maybe grab some lunch. If you change your mind, just call me and I’ll let you know where we are.”

I follow Beck out of our bedroom—so weird…thinking of it as “our” bedroom, but that’s what Beck calls it, so I’m going with it. I’m not sure when I’ll actually consider this my home. My lease isn’t up on my apartment until next summer, but Beck has covered those expenses so I’m not worrying about it just now.

Caroline and Ally are waiting in the living room. They look at Beck expectantly.

“Any luck?” Caroline asks as her eyes flick from Beck to me.

Beck shakes his head. “Nope. She insists we need alone time together.”

My mind is nearly changed when Ally pushes away from her mom and runs up to me. “Come with us, Sela. Mommy says she wants to see you and Uncle Beck holding hands and making out in public.”

“Oh geez,” Caroline says with a red face. “That was a secret, Ally.”

I laugh and ruffle Ally’s yellow hair. She looks nothing like Caroline and I’m assuming everything like her father. When I asked Beck about the nonexistent man, he said tersely, “He’s not in the picture at all. Ally doesn’t even know him.”

By his tone of voice, I could tell it wasn’t a good situation and thus I dropped the subject quickly.

“All right,” Beck says as he leans down and kisses me on the cheek. “Be back in a little bit. Want us to bring you anything?”

My hands go to Beck’s waist, and I love the way his lips linger against my skin. I shake my head. “I’m good. You guys have fun and I’ll see you soon.”

As soon as they get their coats and walk out the door I pull my phone out of my pocket and dial my father. I tried to call him yesterday but didn’t get any answer. I didn’t leave a message and frankly forgot to call him again as I was having so much fun just hanging out with Caroline and Beck. Long after Ally went to bed last night, we all stayed up drinking wine, and the North siblings regaled me with tales of growing up in a privileged world that they both seemed to detest. While Beck still lives the lifestyle he was born to, now it’s a product of his hard work. My understanding is that Caroline has the same trust fund as Beck, but she lives a modest existence in Healdsburg working as an assistant to an art gallery owner. It’s clear from listening to them both that they have almost no relationship with their parents.

I pull up my dad’s number and tap on it. It rings twice before Maria answers pleasantly. “Hi, Sela. Happy Thanksgiving.”

“Happy Thanksgiving,” I tell her warmly. I normally might be a little irked at her answering for my dad, but having gone through a warm and fulfilling holiday with Beck and his little family, I’m feeling more magnanimous toward her. “Is Dad around?”

“Sure is,” she says, and I hear the phone being handed off.

“Hey, baby,” my dad says gruffly with emotion. While we may have drifted apart a little after Mom died, I’ll never forget the strength of that dad after my rape. He became my champion and protector after that, making me feel as secure as a young girl could after having her innocence brutalized.

“Hey, Dad,” I say softly as I walk into the kitchen. I open the fridge and pull out a bottle of water.

“How was your Thanksgiving?” he asks, and I hear the creak of his recliner and can imagine him cocking it back and throwing his feet up.

“It was great,” I tell him. “I ate dinner with Beck, and his sister and niece joined us.”

“Excellent,” he says enthusiastically. “Any chance I’ll get to meet this guy?”

I talk to my dad at least once a week on the phone. While I have not admitted that I’m living with Beck, I did tell him all about my new boyfriend. That first conversation was filled with a lot of “wows” and “that’s awesome” from my dad, a man who I think always despaired I’d be able to open myself up to a relationship.

“One day,” I say vaguely, because that all depends on where this is truly heading. While if it were only a matter of Beck and me seeking a happily ever after, that would be a no-brainer to get him over to meet my dad as soon as possible. But considering that I might be killing Beck’s partner in the near future, and that might or might not lead to my incarceration, I figure I better not make him any promises.

My dad starts to chatter on about his Thanksgiving, telling me in detail about every side dish they had. Maria’s son and daughter-in-law joined them, and I had to laugh when Dad whispered into the phone that Maria just hadn’t mastered a pumpkin pie to rival my mom’s.

I walk from the kitchen into the living room, intent on curling up on the couch, when my eyes involuntarily stray to the foyer.

To the side table sitting there.

To Beck’s keys he left on that table.

He had no reason to take them, since they were walking to the Ferry Building and I was staying here.

My dad’s voice fades away and I walk up to the table. I grab the key chain and turn it over in my palm to study.

In addition to his Audi key, I recognize the condo key. It has a blue rubber protector over the head, same as mine. There are two more door keys on the ring, and I know one of them belongs to his locked office. My head swivels and I gaze down the hallway.

“…so we’re just hanging here gorging on leftovers. What are you up to today?” my dad’s voice cuts back into my thoughts.

I shake my head and my fingers curl around the keys. “Um…we’re all going to hang out at the Ferry Building.”

The lie comes easily, my focus intent on the hallway as I start walking that way.

“Sounds like fun,” he says jovially. “Well, you just try to plan a trip home and bring that man of yours with you. I can’t wait to play overprotective dad.”

My father laughs heartily and I give a half chuckle, the office door looming closer. “All right, Dad. I gotta go, but I love you.”

“Love you too, sweetie,” he says. “Talk to you later.”

“Bye,” I say vaguely, and disconnect as I come to the door. I pocket my phone and hold the keys out in front of me, considering which one may fit the lock. Doesn’t matter if I get it wrong. Got plenty of time to try again.

I choose a key and slip it into the keyhole. With my other hand bracing the knob, I turn my wrist and feel the lock give smoothly.

My heart rate jacks up, and a rush of adrenaline goes through me. I start to twist the knob, but then a feeling of foreboding rips through me. I hesitate a moment…consider my options.

This isn’t optimal.

I turn the key back the opposite way, reengage the lock, and pull it free. My heart is still pounding but I feel immense relief in my decision to back away, knowing this was the right call.

I have no clue when Beck will be back. It could take me hours to search his office and I don’t want to be interrupted. It has to be done on a day when he’s at work and I have little to no chance of being caught.

I glance down at my watch. Beck’s been gone less than ten minutes, and I’m better served by trying to rush out quickly and get a copy made; that way I can search at a more opportune time.

I tell myself firmly my hesitation has nothing to do with my distaste in betraying the man I’ve come to care a great deal about.

No matter what my feelings are for Beck, I simply have to do this, I reassure myself. This is for my own good, and if I have to sacrifice his trust in this small way, I’m going to have to just fucking live with it.

Besides, I reason to myself, if I can cut this albatross known as Jonathon Townsend from around my neck, I can then truly be free to be everything to Beck that he deserves. I further reason to myself that this has to be done for Beck’s own good. That it’s the only way I can give myself to him freely and without any walls or lies staining our relationship. Even better reasoning, if I can end JT’s existence, I will be freeing Beck from a toxic relationship with his business partner.

I pocket the keys and walk quickly into the bedroom. I put on a light jacket and grab my purse. I know there’s a local hardware store about four blocks away, in the opposite direction of the Ferry Building. With any luck I can be there and back within half an hour…no more than forty-five minutes, with a copy of the office key safely in hand.

Yeah…that’s my best play at this moment.

The elevator comes to a halt, and I pat the copy of the key in my pocket and flip Beck’s key chain jauntily in my hand. I feel good about this. I have a plan starting to come together.

The elevator doors open and I step into the hallway, Beck’s condo directly ahead. I raise my head and come to a dead halt. Beck stands there with his arms crossed over his chest. Caroline’s got Ally in her arms and her face is red and shiny with tears.

“What’s going on?” I ask cautiously as I walk toward them.

“Ally got in a snit and pitched a toddler tantrum,” Caroline says with a sheepish grin. “After a two-minute shrieking session in the bookstore, we decided to head back. Figured we could just hang here today.”

My eyes cut over to Beck and he’s eyeballing the key chain in my hand. “We couldn’t get in.”

“Oh,” I say softly as I look down at the keys. “Sorry.”

“Where were you?” Beck asks, and I can tell by the tone of his voice he can’t fathom where I would have been with his keys. This makes me panic and my mind races to find the perfect excuse, but nothing comes to mind.

“Um,” I hedge for a split second too long, because it sounds like I’m searching for a lie, so I just blurt out, “I borrowed your car. I decided to go to my apartment and pick up a few things.”

It’s completely obvious when Beck’s jaw tightens, and I know he doesn’t believe me. “Didn’t make it very far, did you?”

My feet move and I walk quickly to the door, avoiding eye contact with him. I put the key in the lock and open the door. Caroline slips through, keeping her own head down. I know she can feel the tension between us.

I start to follow her in but Beck grabs my arm and turns me to him. He looks at me in question, expecting a response. I swallow hard and lift my chin in a display of a confidence I’m not feeling at all. “I made it as far as the First Street on-ramp and the traffic was horrible. Decided to come back and see if maybe you wanted to go with me later.”

His eyes bore into mine, actually flicking back and forth as if he’s trying to see truth in what I’m saying. He stares at me so long I almost blurt out the entire truth to him.

Everything.

About JT and my nefarious plans.

But then Beck just gives me a curt nod, drops his hand from my arm, and walks into the condo. I take a deep breath and follow him in.

Caroline is setting Ally up on the couch and has the TV remote in hand, presumably to get her favorite Dora the Explorer to watch. She shoots me a sympathetic smile and then her head turns to follow Beck as he walks back into the bedroom. I smile back at her and hurry down the hall after her brother, feeling impending doom rushing in on me.

When I enter the bedroom, I find him at the window looking out over the city, his back stiff and arms crossed over his chest. I close the door softly.

He turns to me and asks, “Are you lying to me?”

I force myself not to wince at the condemnation in his voice and his acute perception. “No, of course not.”

God, yes, I’m lying, Beck, and I’m so very sorry. I hope you will forgive me this transgression. I swear I have good reason.

“You’re lying,” he says adamantly. His arms fall away from his chest and in strides up to me, taking his key chain from my hand.

“I’m not,” I say quickly.

“Sela,” he barks at me, and I snap my mouth shut. “When you didn’t answer the door, I thought I might have an extra house key in my car. I went down to the garage to look because I have a remote concierge unlocking service through Audi. My car was there. No extra key in there, but my car was fucking there. And I know we’re still trying to get to know each other, and you probably haven’t figured this out yet, but I have no patience whatsoever to suffer liars in my life. I refuse to do it. So where in the fuck were you and why in the fuck are you lying to me?”

I shrink back from the anger in his voice. I practically shrivel up from the pain in his eyes.

“I went for a walk,” I whisper, the need for self-preservation making the lie fall from my mouth easily. “Your keys were just lying there and were easier to take than going back to the bedroom for mine.”

“Then why lie to me?” he grits out. “Why tell me you took the car to your apartment, which I don’t give a shit if you use my car. I just care that you lied to me.”

“I don’t know,” I blurt out, panicked that I may be losing something very important in this very moment. I forget about the perfect story and pour out emotions that are based in truth. I hope the half-truths cover up a full truth I could never tell him. “I went for a walk. I’ve been overwhelmed with everything that’s going on with you and me. It seems too good to be true and I’ve never had this before, and I’m scared, Beck. I’m afraid it’s going to all fall apart on me and I can’t tell you that, because I don’t want to seem clingy and unsure of myself. You like my confidence, right? So I don’t want to seem anything less than that to you. And when I got off the elevator and saw you there, and you looked angry…I just lied. I wasn’t thinking straight. But I swear…that’s all I was doing. I was out for a walk.”

Beck turns away from me in frustration, scrubs his hand through his hair. He then spins back and looks at me with sadness. “Why would you feel so unsure about me? What have I done to make you feel that way?”

I can’t help the shaky sigh of relief that comes out, and I hope he doesn’t understand that my relief stems from the fact that he just bought that half-baked story. I cover it up by immediately walking up to him, pressing my cheek to his chest, and wrapping my arms around his waist. I squeeze him to me, fear gripping me when he doesn’t return the embrace.

My voice is small and weak when I say, “I’m sorry. I’m just so afraid of fucking things up with you and I don’t want to lose this.”

Then I tell him an absolute truth. “I think you’re the best thing to ever happen to me, and when you’re given a gift like that, the prospect of losing it can be a little consuming.”

Beck lets out a pained moan and his arms wrap around my upper back. He squeezes me hard and presses his lips to the top of my head. “Jesus, Sela. I’m not going anywhere and there’s not much you could do to push me away from you. You’re perfect as is and I’m insanely happy being with you, okay?”

I nod into his chest. Burrow in tighter to him.

“Just don’t lie to me,” he says gruffly. “Don’t ever lie to me, don’t ever do anything to make me distrust you, and everything is golden. Okay?”

My heart sinks.

Because I fully intend to keep lying to him until my quest is complete.