Age 14
NOTHING.
That was what I felt as I stood in the corner, alone, watching everyone dance. No one looked my way. The last person who spoke to me—an hour ago—was only interested in where the bathrooms were. I swayed to the music, trying to keep a friendly smile on my face and look approachable. But with every passing minute, as one person after another walked right by without seeing me, it became harder and harder to act unaffected.
Looking down, I smoothed my hands over my dress, remembering the conversation I’d had with my mother before I left earlier tonight.
“I’m leaving,” I called out to her as she sat at the kitchen table. My father was nowhere in sight.
“Have fun.”
“Do you like my dress?”
Her gaze lifted, slightly annoyed. “Blue would have been better,” she said dismissively. I stared down at my mint green dress, the one I’d been in love with since I first tried it on, and my smile faded.
“Oh. Okay. Is there a certain time you want me home?”
She always had a strict curfew for my older brother, Damien, who had just turned sixteen. I would only assume she’d have one for her fourteen-year-old daughter as well.
Eyes down, she waved a hand my way. “No. Whenever is fine, Eleanor.”
I’d tried to be excited, like most kids with no curfew would be, but I just felt hollow. My mother didn’t say another word—or spare me another glance—before I slipped out the door and climbed into the limo my parents had on hand. They couldn’t be bothered to drive me places. I knew Damien would have given me a lift, but he was at an art expo this weekend and I hadn’t wanted to pull him away from it.
Her words were on repeat in my mind. It was stupid. It didn’t even make sense. But I found myself wondering, would a blue dress have been better? Would I be out on the dance floor, laughing and throwing my arms in the air, if I’d bought a blue dress? Would I be getting swept off my feet if I was wearing a blue dress?
“Hey,” came a friendly voice.
My gaze lifted to find Carl Tate standing in front of me. I smiled wider and stood a little straighter. My eyes flickered to his girlfriend, who stood behind him, and I gave her a small wave. She returned it with an easy grin.
“Hi.”
“Could you take our picture?” he asked, holding out a camera.
“Oh, of course.”
I laughed, watching him reach back and twirl his girlfriend into his side, before quickly snapping the photo.
“Thanks, dude.”
She rolled her eyes. “I’ve told you a million times, Carl. Girls don’t like to be called dude.”
He cringed, appearing genuinely remorseful. “It’s just a habit.”
“It’s not a problem.” I glanced over at the table I’d seen them at. It looked like there was an empty chair or two. “Would you mind if I joined—?”
“We’ll catch ya later…” Carl said at the same time, wavering at the end. He didn’t know my name. He brushed it off, like it had been his plan to end it that way, and they began walking away.
I didn’t know if he’d heard me, but based on the way his girlfriend looked over her shoulder and smiled, this time with pity, I guessed at least she had. There was nothing cruel in the interaction, but an ache settled in my chest all the same.
Her dress was blue.
I looked around for a distraction when I saw one of my former teachers walking my way. “Hi, Mrs. Kay,” I said brightly before she passed. It would probably be uncool to stand here and talk to a teacher, but she had been one of my favorites, and I’d hardly seen her since last year when I took her geometry class.
She paused and gave me one of her warm grins. “How are you? Are you having fun?”
“Yeah,” I said. It wasn’t a complete lie. I always enjoyed talking to her. “How is—”
“Oops, I have to go.” Her gaze moved across the room. “But it was good to see you, Ally.” She was already walking away, so she couldn’t see my smile fall.
“It’s Ellie,” I whispered. But no one was there to hear it. I probably could have shouted and gotten the same response.
For the first time that night, I let my sadness through. My eyes welled with tears, and I shifted farther back into the shadows where no one could see me.
No one sees you anywhere.
The ache in my chest intensified, but for some reason I stayed. I stood there for another hour.
No one asked me to dance. No one even said hello. I got a few nods from the girls in some of my classes, but other than that, I could have been a mural on the wall for how much anybody noticed me.
“Pssst…”
I whirled around, looking for the source of the sound. A few feet away I saw a group of four students. I’d seen them around but we never shared classes.
“C’mere.” One of the guys waved me toward them. I hesitated before slowly walking over. They all seemed unnaturally happy.
“Hi,” the original guy said. “What’s your name?”
“Ellie.” My mother was the only one who called me Eleanor; my father didn’t call me anything.
“I’m John.” He held out his hand and I shook it.
“What are you guys doing back here?” I asked, looking between them. One of the girls giggled like it was the funniest thing she’d ever heard.
“Not much.” He pulled out a flask. I assumed alcohol was in there, but I’d never had a drop before. Never even thought about it. “Want some?”
“Oh, umm…” I glanced back at the other students and the chaperones. No one was looking, but still… “I’m okay.”
“C’mon. It’ll take the edge off.” He waved it in front of me with a grin.
“Well, sure… I guess.” One sip couldn’t hurt. I took the container and tipped it back. The liquid burned my throat and I immediately bent over, coughing like I was losing a lung.
That’s disgusting.
Maybe it wouldn’t have been so bad if I hadn’t drank as much, but I still couldn’t imagine enjoying it.
John patted my back and pulled me into his side, still smiling wide. “Your first time?”
Nodding, I coughed some more.
“Don’t worry,” the other guy said. “You’ll get used to it.”
John nudged the flask toward my mouth again. Reluctantly, I took a much smaller sip. I wanted to throw it all back up.
“I’m Darcy, by the way. We’ll show you how it’s done,” a girl said.
“That’s what friends are for,” John finished. And jeez, did he ever stop smiling?
I stared at my new “friends” and took another sip. It wasn’t as bad the third time. Darcy was cheering and John was smiling down at me.
I wasn’t alone.
It didn’t feel like belonging.
But it felt like something.
And maybe that just had to be enough.
Maybe that was all I was meant to get.