Saturdays are for Double the Pussy Shaving
Two weeks later…
Too girly. Toss.
Too edgy. Toss.
Possibly too see-through. Toss, toss. Toss…
I toss outfit after outfit out of my closet and onto the mound of clothes that all scream date night rejects. Because tonight, I have a very important date.
My first problem is, I have nothing to wear.
While on air this week, Will called in asking for suggestions on the perfect date. He wanted to take his neighbor on a date she would never forget.
And so, it started.
The week-long polls, call-ins, emails, and surveys on the creation of the perfect date for Wonka and his neighbor. The candle-light dinner along a waterfront, to the rock concert. The yacht rental, to blowing his savings on a sporadic trip to Paris. There was no doubt I egged on anything sporadic, since my neighbor was anything but.
The second problem being, I haven’t been able to get into my bathroom to get ready.
And that problem is fluffy and has very sharp claws.
Will had to leave on an impromptu bank training trip and asked if I could take his sweet cat while he was away. She doesn’t like to be alone, he says. She’s sensitive like that, he says. She stared me down with those devil cat eyes as I thought, hell fucking no way was I going to take Satan’s ball of fur. The words ‘no fucking thanks’ were just about to fall off my tongue when I then witnessed him gaze at his cat and smile. Like he was looking at the sweetest, most precious little kitty he’s ever known. And his love for that psycho feline had me saying yes, I’d love to. I swear I saw that evil cat smile at me.
So, when Will dropped her off and gave me the best goodbye kiss known to man, the second that door closed, it was on. That furry shit attacked me. It’s a good thing I’ve got moves, because if I wasn’t so quick to dodge her, I would have had her claws stuck to my face. I thought she would go hide under a chair and stay clear of me for the next two days, but nope. It’s like she was reading my every move. I wanted to go watch some TV? She jumped on the couch and dared me to try and sit down. I went into the kitchen to drink myself into becoming a cat lover, and she was pouncing past me and lying in front of my pantry. I literally slept on my couch last night because that fuzzball was on my bed!
I woke up this morning sore and crabby. While Satan was still getting her beauty rest I was able to make some coffee. I sat with my cup behind the door and waited for her to come out. The moment I saw her tail sashay past me, I jumped into my room and shut the door.
Winner.
But now as I shuffle through all my clothes and realize I have nothing to wear, I also realize I’m stuck in here. I take a time out and sit on a pile of clothes and sip my coffee. I think about how it doesn’t matter what I have on, because that’s not who Will is. He’s not superficial, or judgmental. I’m sure I can wear a paper bag and he would still see beauty. At least he better. I laugh when I hear my phone vibrating on my nightstand. I get up to retrieve it and see a paw clawing under the door as I pass by.
“Not a chance, fur freak.” I’m tempted to kick the door just to startle her away, but I have to have some control. I am the adult here. The human adult. I grab my phone and just like the last five missed calls, it’s my father ringing through. Not one of those calls apologizing for his deceiving ways. He may think he’s doing what’s best for me, but there’s no excuse for what he did. Lying to me. The pain he caused, allowing me to think Will had been deceitful to me this whole time. I miss the call on purpose and walk back to my closet. It goes off again. I groan, knowing he’s probably not going to stop. I head back and grab it, swiping to answer.
“What do you want?”
“Manners, Lilith,” he scolds.
“Really, Daddy? You want to talk about manners? How about we talk about lying? Deceiving people and trying to ruin people’s lives? Let’s talk about that?”
“Lilith, I’m just trying to protect you. I don’t want you to get hurt. You deserve to be cared for. Can this man care for you? Is he well educated enough to hold a job? Excel? What kind of life do you think William Grant truly can offer you?”
My anger spikes. The coffee in my mug vibrates as my hands begin to shake. “How dare you! William Grant is the best man I’ve ever met. And I don’t care if he works on the street selling hot dogs. It’s not about money, Daddy. It’s about someone who loves me.”
“Lance loves you.”
“FUCK LANCE!” I yell.
“You watch your tone with me, child. I am still your father.”
“No, you’re a man who just wants to control me. You don’t care about my happiness. You care about what image I’ll portray. I’m not like you. I don’t need all those fancy things to be happy or to feel established. I need nothing from you.”
“I would watch what you wish for.”
“Oh yeah? What possibly can you do now? You’ve already tried. And it didn’t work. Do your worst. I’m done being a prisoner under your hold. Bye, Daddy.”
I hang up and throw my phone.
My hands are shaking so bad, I’m forced to put my coffee mug down before it all splashes out. I am done with him trying to control me. He may think he knows best, but this is my life. And I chose Will. I decided I’ll have plenty of time on Sunday, before Will gets home, to finish prepping. I grab my phone and send a text to D telling him I need a full day of heavy drinking and to meet me at Manny’s. Then I proceed to climb out my window, instead of facing my furry enemy.
“Girl, are you sure you’re okay?”
“Yez, just yep, gonna go sleep.” I climb out of D’s car and almost eat the ground. I hear him laughing and I bounce back up.
“I’m okay!” I chirp, laughing at myself. I wave him off and stumble up my steps. I jam my hands in my purse in search of my keys. “Where areee you?” I sing as I find them deep down in the side pocket. I unlock my door and as I turn to wave at Daryl, I hear it.
The hiss.
Fuck me.
I forgot about Björk.
I hurry up and shut my front door. “I need a plan B.” I say to my drunk self. I know I can climb back through my bedroom window, but it was a bit of a fall, so I’m not sure I have it in me to scale the side of my house to get back in. I head out back and check the sliding glass door, but it’s locked.
“Dammit,” I mumble, eyeing the lawn chair. “Well, it can’t be as bad as the couch.”
My phone buzzes in my pocket and I reach for it.
Wonka: Good news. I’m catching an earlier flight. I’ll be home around nine tonight. Miss you. Can’t wait to see you.
“Shit.” I look at the time. “Shit!” It’s almost eight. I ditched all my prepping chores because I thought I had time to finish them all tomorrow. If Will’s coming home tonight, that means…
“Shit!”
I need to shower, paint my nails, shave a long list of body parts, and I’m literally seeing two of everything right now. Mainly, I need to get into my damn house without being clawed to death. I peek through the sliding glass door. Björk is in the kitchen staring right at me.
I do what comes naturally and give her the bird.
Sadly, it doesn’t seem to faze her.
Why am I even out here? She’s a damn cat. That’s my house. I’m the boss.
“Listen, he can love us both. There’s no reason for us to be fighting like this. Can’t we just be cordial?” I say through the glass. I watch as she jumps onto my counter and takes a squat. “You’re gonna have to learn to like me. I plan on marrying your daddy one day and I’m gonna be your step mommy. It’s best we settle our differences now.” The mental image of one day walking down the aisle to Will gets my heart beating faster. He makes me so happy and I know I make him happy too. The mental thought that he’d probably ask me to make Björk a bridesmaid has me rolling my eyes and groaning.
“Cat, I don’t care if you like me. Your daddy loves me. So you’re gonna deal with it!” I raise my voice, stabbing my finger into the glass.
That’s when Björk takes her paw and swipes the bowl of fruit off my counter.
“Oh no, you didn’t.” I gasp as I watch the bowl shatter and oranges and apples roll all over my kitchen floor. “You know what? That is it! We are sooo getting a dog.” I storm off my back patio and head to the front. I grab the hose and turn it on. I unlock my door and the second she comes at me, I press the nozzle.
I watch as the water smacks Björk right in the nose. She hisses as I soak her, but not enough, in my opinion, before she takes off down the hall. I drop the hose, feeling awesome. Not about how I just soaked my living room like a drunk idiot, but more because I got that damn cat. I hurry and shut the door behind me before cautiously making my way down the hallway. I just need to get to my room and I’m golden. I can hide out there and get ready until Will gets home and he can remove her from my house.
I see a small patch of fur in between my washer and dryer in the laundry room and quickly shut the door, locking her in. “Bam! Ha. I win.” I glance at my watch again and realize it’s now a quarter past eight. My time is dwindling fast and I have a lot to do. I run to my room, slipping on the water on the floor, and make it into my bathroom. I set out a nice red laced bra with matching panties. I toss my clothes off and remember I need to shave. Like bad.
“This is the job of heavy duty machinery,” I say, reaching in my drawer for my electric razor. Being inebriated, I come up with this great idea of how to surprise Will. Naked, I try and steady myself by lifting my leg onto the counter to get a good look at my goods. I’m not a designer by any means but how hard can it be to shave a W? I can’t stop chuckling as I turn it on and start on my project.
“He’s going to love this when he sees it.” I giggle, losing my balance, and my foot falls off the counter. I grab at the wall, preventing myself from falling. “Holy shit,” I cuss, almost swiping off a lip with my razor. “You got this.” I lift my leg again and make another attempt. I get the first outline of the W and I feel good about it. As I go back up to form the middle part, I hear it.
The hiss.
How the hell did she get out of the laundry room?
I should have blocked the door because this isn’t the first time she’s managed to open a closed door in my house.
You have to be smarter than that psycho cat, Lil!
Everything after that happens so fast. The claws on my butt. My quick turn to fight. The sounds of my razor sawing away at hair. Not mine. By the time I get control of my balance and eyesight, my attacker is gone. But what is left behind is a huge chunk of fur.
Oh shit.
Double oh shit.
“He’s going to kill me.”
A jiggle comes from the front door. Oh my God! I look at my watch. No no no…
“Lil?” Will’s voice sounds throughout the house. Sheer panic strikes me as I run out of the bathroom into my bedroom. “Babe, where are you at?”
I snap out of it in time to throw myself into a pair of solid underwear so he doesn’t notice the botched shave job. I don’t know how I’m gonna hide the other botched job.
“Lilith?”
“Coming!” I shout, looking under my bed, then in my closet with no luck. For all I know she ran straight to him to show him my handiwork. I’m so dead. I can see it now. He’s gonna ask me what in the hell is going on and when I reply with just having a good ol’ pussy shaving party with his cat, he’s gonna break it off with me and take his cat and never talk to me again.
I grab a shirt and throw it on and run down the hallway. I slide half the way and greet him in the living room. He’s taking in the water in my living room while I nonchalantly look for his cat.
“What the hell happened?”
“Oh, this? I dropped a glass of water.”
He brings his eyes to mine. Yeah, those don’t look like they believe me. “Riiiight. Where’s—”
I jump on him.
“Whoa.” He gasps as I throw myself into his arms, cutting his unnecessary question. He tries to keep upright and slips on the water, taking us both down to the ground. The fall is less painful than the question I almost had to answer. I waste no time and sit up and toss off my shirt.
“I’ve really missed you,” I say, going down and kissing him like an animal in heat.
“I’ve missed you too. Where’s—”
Dammit, stop asking.
I slam my lips back onto his. I kiss him, feeling the smile breach his lips. His hands squeeze my ass and he grinds himself into me.
“Have sex with me right now. Anything you want. Take me and rough me up. No more talking.” Come on…I need to distract his mind to the right pussy.
I get a promising growl and before I know it, I’m being flipped and off go my panties.
Shit.
“Hey, Will?” I ask, still lying on the floor, both of us trying to catch our breaths.
“Yeah, baby?”
I sit up. “You know that money has never been important to me, right?”
That gets his attention. He sits up with me. “Of course, I know that. What’s bringing this up? Is it your dad? Did he do something else?” I can tell he’s starting to get worked up. Any time I bring up my father, it puts Will on edge. Rightfully so after the last incident.
“No, well, kind of. My father may never give up trying to control me. And when he does, it might be him cutting me off completely. I’m okay with it. I just want you to know. That it’s just me—”
He kisses me, shutting me up. He pulls away once air is a requirement and locks eyes with me. “I wouldn’t care if you were homeless. I’d still love you. I want you for what’s in here.” He taps over my heart. “And if you keep being this amazing, down to earth girl whom I love like crazy, then there’s nothing that will change how I feel about you.”
“Promise?”
He reaches up and caresses my cheek. “I promise you. What’s brought this up?”
I stall, not knowing how to really respond. There is this part of me that may continue to worry that where I came from will always define me. People will see me as a ticket to greater things. “Nothing. But I do need to tell you something. And you may be mad and not think I’m so amazing after I tell you.”
“Does this have anything to do with the interesting design you have shaved on your pussy?”
“Pussy yes, but the wrong pussy…”
Björk chooses that moment to prance past us, a buzzed stripe across her back, and meows loudly as if to tattle on me.
“Oops,” I mutter and chance a nervous look at him. “It was an accident. A little slip of the wrist.”
“An accident,” he mirrors. He runs his finger along his cat’s bald spot and chuckles. Then he looks between us and points at my naked sex. “So how did you ‘accidentally’ shave an M onto your pussy, hmm? A little flick of the wrist?”
I scoff and look down at my beautiful W.
My very upside down W.
“Oops.”
Will is gone early this fine Monday morning. A big meeting and all that jazz. It gave me time to lounge around the house and officially apologize to Björk for Saturday. I even played her favorite song, “Big Time Sensuality,” by the real Björk. Oddly enough, after the razor mishap, she’s more respectful of her elders. She knows who’s boss now. And if she gets a little too close for comfort, I just have to say, “Bzzzzz,” before she’s darting for cover under the nearest piece of furniture.
I’m all smiles as I grab my stuff and head out to my car to go to work. Big D would love me if I brought some Mickey Ds into the office today. I feel like a super adult this morning all on time and thinking of others. Thunder grumbles in the distance, but I won’t let it rain on my sunny morning.
All happiness bleeds out of me when I see my father leaned up against his car, a scowl marring his features. This isn’t the “I’m disappointed in you, Lilith” scowl either. It’s the one he reserves for his opponents across the business table.
This means war.
Lifting my chin, I face him head-on. I’m unafraid of what he’ll throw at me. Will and I are strong. Unbreakable. And no matter what he tries to do to break us up, it won’t work.
That is…until he opens his mouth.
His words come tumbling from his lips, and I realize my dad is king for a reason.
And I’m nothing more than a princess he intends on locking in a tower.
My happily ever after is officially over.