Saturdays are for Swiping Right
No, no, no…
“Dude, none of these guys look legit. And this guy looks like a total serial killer!”
We’re sitting in my kitchen and I’m swiping through the Tinder app Daryl finally convinced me to download. After yesterday’s mishap, I realized just how desperately I needed some action. Daryl and I hope I’ll find a solid guy to work out all my frustration with before I make a judgement error and have super spontaneous sex with Wonka.
“Girl, you’ve passed like twenty guys in a matter of three seconds. You’re being too damn picky.” He tries to snatch up my phone, but I pull away.
“How is making sure my lady parts don’t get murdered or get the clap being too picky?”
Daryl sighs, sitting back on the island bar stool. “Just pick one. If he ain’t who he says he is, I’ll scare him off.”
At that, I laugh. “What? You gonna stick around just to make sure he gets me off too?”
Daryl looks like I just gave him cooties. “Ew, girl, you’re like my sister. I don’t wanna hear you moan and groan on that dick. Just saying if he ain’t who he says he is, I’d be here to tell him to get gone.”
As much as that sounds like a good idea, something else comes to mind. “I actually have a better idea.” I go into the app. There were a few who weren’t so bad-looking. Jerald, thirty-five, looks to be eight miles away. His tagline says, I hope you have a big trunk because I’m gonna put my bike in it. Not sure where that bike is really going but screw it. I swipe right. “Shit, here we go—”
An instant ding chimes back telling me good ol’ Jerald, swiped right back. “Geez, that was fast.”
We’re both leaning into my phone, waiting for something to happen. “So, what happens now?”
Another ding, notifying me I have a message.
“This dude is eager to get on it.” Daryl laughs, leaning closer, so we can both read the message.
Jerald: Sup hot stuff. Glad u like what u see. Hope ur hungry. Want me to cum to u? Daddy gonna fill u up.
“What in God’s name?” I ask, shocked, while Daryl’s rolling off his chair laughing.
“What exactly is he going to fill me up with?” I’m confused. I turn to Daryl, who’s holding his chest laughing hysterically. I smack him on the shoulder. “I’m for real. What’s he talking about?”
“Girl, don’t worry, just tell him you’re hungry and come on over.” He chuckles and I just shrug my shoulders and reply.
Me: Great. Can’t wait. Come to my place.
I quickly punch in the address.
“Ain’t that your neighbor’s house number, Lil?”
“Sure is, D. That way if he shows up and he’s not who he says he is, we don’t have to worry. We stay inside and let the neighbor shoo him off. If he is, then I simply pop out my front door and silly ol’ me will tell him I must have typed in the wrong address. Blame it on how famished I am.”
Daryl starts to laugh again as I click send.
“Now we wait.”
Daryl makes himself comfortable on the couch while I go and find something sexy to wear. I put on a red lace bra and panties and throw on my cream silk robe. Since Jerald is only eight miles away I know I have limited time to prep.
“A car’s pullin’ up!” Daryl shouts and I come running down the hallway. We both dart to the side window, which gives us a perfect view of the neighbor’s front porch.
“Oh shit, he’s getting out… Oh shit, is he wearing leggings?”
“Damn, is he wearing a chick’s top?”
We’re both staring out the window, our eyes popped as we watch a suped-up version of Lance Armstrong walk up Will’s porch steps.
“I guess the bike comment makes sense now,” I say, and Daryl gives me a get a clue look. “What? He obviously rides bikes.”
“Honey, you need to get out more.”
Whatever. I look back next door and—
“Whoa” and “What the?” come flying out of our mouths at once.
“Dude, where’s his dick?”
I’m wondering the same thing.
“Does he have that shit tucked back?” Daryl asks, pressing his face closer to the window.
“Hell if I know!”
We watch as Jerald walks up to the door and knocks.
“Okay. What’re you gonna do? Not sure this is the guy. I mean, he tucked his shit. Who tucks their dick and balls?”
Again, how the hell should I know? I’m not a dude. Maybe it’s a biker thing. Okay, maybe not. “Hard pass,” I say and shake my head. I’m not even fully convinced that’s a dude.
A few seconds pass, and the door opens. Will steps out, looking confused as to why there’s a she-dude on his porch. We can’t see what words are being exchanged, but I’m pretty sure it’s something like,
Jerald: “Hi, I’m looking for Candy. She swiped right and now I’m gonna put my bike in her.”
Wonka: “There’s no Candy here, but your car is leaking oil onto my driveway. Get off my property before I call the cops, my HOA buddies, and the mayor.”
Jerald: “Got it. Any chance you’d be inter—”
“He’s leaving. Your neighbor doesn’t look happy.”
Wah, wah. When does he? Oh, I don’t know. He looked pretty content when his tongue was down your throat yesterday. I can actually still taste the mint and coffee off his tongue.
Eventually, we remove ourselves from the window. We take a seat on the couch and grab for my phone. “Okay, that was a bust,” I say, opening the app. I go through another round of pics until I find another decent one.
“Okay, how about Biff?”
“His name is Biff? What is this, Back to the Future?” Daryl laughs, shaking his head and forcing me to pass on poor Biff.
“Fine, what about this one?” I stop on Phil. Not the sexiest name, but his profile pic is kinda hot. “He’s younger than me. But that can be a good thing, right?” Not that it’s by much. It says he’s twenty-five, but age is only a number. His tagline reads, I might be young, but I need you to help me grow, with a fancy picture made of letters and symbols. “Wait, is that supposed to be a—”
A dick. He made a dick using letters and symbols. Wow.
“He’s entrusting you to make his dick grow, yes.”
Shit. That was creative.
I decide to give him a shot. I approve of his picture talent. I swipe right.
This one takes a few minutes longer to reply. I get up and grab some beers while Daryl uses the bathroom. It’s after I’m forced to open a few windows because he bombed out my toilet that we hear the ding.
“We’re in!” I yell as Daryl makes his way back to the living room. I type in the same message, wanting him to come to my place, and offer up Wonka’s address. Phil was fifteen miles away but responds that he’s actually right around the corner. Only a few minutes pass until we’re back up at the window and see a car pull up in front of his house.
“Oh, hell no.”
“Is this really happening?” I ask in amazement as we both witness Phil, looking closer to nineteen, get out of what looks like it could be his mother’s car.
“Dude, is that his mom dropping him off for a booty call?” Just then we hear him yell back to the car. “Thanks, Mom. Pick me up in an hour.”
“Oh, hell no! Girl, another pass.”
“Well, no fucking shit! I’m not a creep!” I mean, I don’t think I am. The kid is still kinda cute. Sandy blond hair and tall. He’s wearing glasses, but for some reason those particular ones just don’t do it for me. He’s wearing a pair of skinny jeans and a—
“Is that Justin Bieber on his shirt?” I can’t even with this. I bust out laughing.
Daryl joins in as we watch reject number two bang on Wonka’s door. Same as before, Will answers, stepping outside onto his porch looking pissed. As their lips move, I’m hearing:
Wonka: “Whatever it is you’re selling I’m not buying it. Are you registered with the city to be selling door to door?”
Bieber/Phil: “Bro, I’m here for Candy? I only have an hour so…”
Wonka: “There is no Candy here.”
Bieber/Phil: “Nah, bro. I want to do Candy, not eat it. Well, maybe eat her—”
“Damn yo, your neighbor’s brutal. Poor kid just went running. I wonder what the hell he said to him.”
“No idea,” I say and pull away from the window. I crack open a fresh beer and toss myself back onto the couch. Well, this isn’t going as planned. “I thought you said this app was legit?” I take a swig of my beer. Maybe it’s a sign. I’m not meant to have random sex. I need to do it the old-fashioned way and go to church. That’s where all the good men are.
“You have some strange-ass luck.” Daryl pops open his beer and falls onto the seat next to me.
“Well, what do we do now?”
He shrugs. “I guess we keep at it until we find the one.”
Five beers later and another three failed swipe attempts, we’re sitting on my couch in tears at the latest failed swipe. “Oh my God. Did you even see him? I swear he was wearing makeup,” I snort, taking a sip of my drink.
“You two could share fashion tips,” Daryl says, holding his chest.
“I don’t know, I really think I should have said yes to Freedom, though. I mean, who names their kid Freedom?”
Daryl almost spits out his sip. “The dude’s tagline said, ‘I need you to free-dom nuts.’ What did you expect?”
I barrel over, the tears falling down my cheeks I’m laughing so hard. I’m concentrating so hard on not peeing my pants, when my front door flies open. I lift to see Will storming into my house.
Shit!
“Uh, yeah…normal people knock.” I get up, my cheeks flaming red to match his anger. Yep, he doesn’t look happy. “Geez, Willy, having a bad day?” I try and play it off, but I have a small itch that tells me he may have caught on.
He’s up in my face and I can’t help but inhale the scent of him. I can tell he’s freshly showered by the aroma of soap and cologne seeping into my nostrils.
“You having fun over here, Lilith? Or should I call you Candy?”
Yep, gig’s up. Doesn’t mean I should give up, though. “I’m not sure what you’re talking about. I never pegged you for one to role play—”
He cuts my banter short, grabbing my waist and pulling my body into his. The air expels from my lungs at the way he feels pressed against me. The humor in me dies as I stare into his angry blue eyes. God, he’s hot. Even more so when he’s mad. Not that I’ve ever seen him not mad. His jaw is tight, but it only accentuates his sharp cheekbones and his perfect, sexy nose. His skin is tanned and smooth. There’s no doubt he takes care of himself. I make a mental note to ask about his daily regiment, when his grip on me tightens. His head lowers and I swear he’s about to kiss me. Do it…do it. Oh God, kiss me again. He might be a bad idea, but hot damn does this man know how to kiss. And ever since the first time, the memory hasn’t left my mind. I may or may not have done a little bit of masturbating to the thought.
He lowers his head and my eyes close. My lips part as I await his mouth on mine. But it never comes. He passes my mouth, leaning past me, and snags my phone out of my robe pocket.
“Hey! That’s mine!” I bark, trying to get it back, but he’s making it impossible to grab with his long arm holding me away. “Dude, Wonka, you can’t just take my phone!”
He ignores me.
Right about now I wish I had a lock on my phone. I hated always having to remember the passcode at night after a few too many. The countless amount of times I locked myself out, so I disabled the feature. “Will, seriously…”
Shit, what’s he doing?
He’s tapping away on my phone. Typing, swiping, typing some more. I turn to Daryl, who’s no help since he’s got a pillow over his face laughing. So much for that bodyguard.
Finally, he tosses my phone back, and I barely catch it.
“What did you just do?” I look down and see the Tinder app open.
“At least when using my address, send over my type.” Then he turns and storms out.
I look down and see he’s swiped a bunch of girls and given them his address.
“He did not!” I turn back to Daryl in complete shock at what my jerkhole neighbor just pulled. “Can you believe him?”
“Girl, you two need to just bang already.”
What I need to do is take a bat and bang him in the head with it! I can’t believe he used my Tinder account to get laid!
And not just laid by one. But by three tramps! He swiped himself three ugly girls, mind you. And in the past hour I’ve watched all three show up and NOT leave. What in God’s name is that guy doing over there? There’s no way he’s banging them all. He’s too anal to have a foursome. I mentally laugh at my jab, but then I hear giggling. I run to the window and watch all three women walk out, smiles from ear to ear on their ugly-ass faces.
That jerk.
What a sleazeball.
“That’s it.”
“What’s it?” Daryl asks, pulling his attention away from the TV.
“I’m going over there and giving him a piece of my mind.” I storm over to the door.
“In your lingerie collection? You may want to put some clothes on before doing that unless you want to become number four on his list for the day.”
I pick up a gym shoe and throw it at him. He ducks, but not before letting out a howl of laughter.
“He’s already seen this.” Which is true.
I storm out and across his lawn. I make sure to smash my feet into the grass, knowing I’m damaging his precious lawn. When I get up to his front porch, I raise my hand to bang like hell on his door.
Before my fist has the chance to make contact, the door flies open. A large hand grabs mine and yanks me inside.