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“What time do you think you’ll leave in the morning?” I ask, tossing a couple outfits into my carry-on duffel bag.

“The bus will be parked for the night since the next show is only three hours north. I can’t see them leaving until nine or ten at the earliest.” Colton pauses. “What time will your flight be in?”

After spending last weekend with Hudson, I decided that I need more. More time. More him. More everything. Fast forward to an hour ago when I decided to fly to Colorado where Hudson has two shows this weekend. One tonight and one tomorrow night. I won’t make tonight’s show as the earliest flight I could get won’t land until seven in the morning, but I’ll get to see Saturday’s show and hopefully get to spend a few hours with him beforehand.

“I’m scheduled to land around seven. I’m going to take an Uber to the bus. Can you send me the address where they’ll be parked.”

“Already emailed.”

“You’re a rockstar.”

“Actually, I’m a country star’s bitch but who’s keeping track?” He chuckles.

“You are not his bitch.” I laugh, grabbing my toiletry bag from the bed before tossing it into my duffel. “Now, promise you won’t tell him. Not a word.”

“Cross my heart,” he says and I can practically see him making an X with his finger across his chest.

“You’re the best.”

“I know.”

“I’ll see you tomorrow. Thank you again, Colton.”

“Safe travels. And anytime.”

I toss my cell on top of the bed the instant the line goes dead, looking around to make sure I have everything packed. I don’t have to be at the airport for a few more hours but I have a couple errands I need to run before I leave so I want to make sure I have everything together before I head out.

Picking my phone back up, I consider calling Hudson to tell him my plans but I quickly talk myself out of it. I set out to surprise him and damn it I’m going to do just that.

Shoving the device into my pocket, I grab my bag off the bed and make my way into the kitchen. Like so many times before, I stop and take in the incredible view of the ocean. I don’t think I’ll ever look out at the white sand and crisp blue water without thinking of Hudson. He’s tied to so many things that existed before him but somehow held no real meaning until he came along.

It’s hard to think about how much has changed in less than a year. Had someone told me this time last year this is where I’d be I probably would have laughed hysterically in their face. Now, I can’t imagine things turning out any different.

I never dreamed I would meet a man like Hudson. Or that I’d find him again. Back then he was just some fantasy. A memory I glamourized to convince myself that it was possible to feel that way about another person. Now I know it was real from the beginning. From that very first night, from the moment he smiled at me, I knew. I knew this man was going to change everything.

—-

It’s almost eight by the time I make it to the address Colton sent me. I spot Hudson’s bus as we round the corner and I instruct the Uber driver to drop me off at the curb.

As I climb from the car, a light breeze whips around me, feeling amazing on my heated skin. Adjusting my bag onto my shoulder, I quickly cross the parking lot and slip between the two busses that are parked side by side.

I was a mix of nervous and excited, so I couldn’t sleep a wink on the plane, yet somehow I don’t feel even a little bit tired despite the fact that I’ve been up over twenty-four hours straight.

Reaching up, I gently wrap on the bus door. Seconds later the door slides open and I look up to see Zeke, Hudson’s drummer, standing shirtless at the top of the stairs.

“Hey, did I wake you?” I climb up, dropping my bag next to the small table in the common area, my mind instantly going back to last weekend when Hudson had me pressed over it as he drove into me from behind.

“Nah, been awake a while.” He scratches his bald head before collapsing down on what can only be described as a couch but is really nothing more than a glorified bench.

“Hudson sleeping?” I gesture toward the back of the bus.

“I don’t think he’s here.”

“He’s not here?” I question, trying to mask my confusion.

“Nah. He left with Annabelle after the show. Didn’t come back. My guess is he was smart and got a hotel room. These beds are shit.”

“Yeah, you’re probably right.” I force a smile, not letting him see how much that statement bothers me. “I’m gonna check really fast just in case he slipped in while you were sleeping.”

“Be my guest,” he says after I’ve already taken off down the narrow hall, past the bunks, to the bedroom at the back of the bus.

The instant I see the empty bed I feel like I’m in danger of losing the breakfast sandwich I scarfed down on the way here.

Taking a deep breath, I pull the door closed before heading back out to the common area. Zeke’s head pops up when I reenter the room.

“Did he know you were coming?” he asks, stretching out his legs.

“No, thought I’d surprise him. Mind if I wait?” I point to the chair in the corner, refusing to let my mind run wild with me.

“Not at all. I think we’re scheduled to leave in a couple hours so he should be back soon.”

“Okay, thanks.” I slide down into the chair, not able to shake the sick feeling that’s settled in the pit of my stomach.

Zeke pops in a pair of ear buds and scrolls his finger across the iPad in his hand, doing what I presume he was doing when I showed up and interrupted. Meanwhile, I’m sitting across from him, silently freaking out as every imaginable scenario runs through my head.

Hudson left after the show with Annabelle and didn’t come back? Just what every girl wants to hear about her boyfriend. And as much as I try to convince myself he would never do that to me, deep down I know that’s what everyone tells themselves when they’re in love. You never want to believe someone you care that deeply for could hurt you in such a way. But the truth of the matter is, it happens every single day.

Who’s to say I’m not just another stupid girl who finds it easier to ignore the signs than admit the truth? I shake away the thought. There’s no way Hudson could ever do that to me. I see the way he looks at me, the way he touches me. I feel it in his words, in his action.

I’m sure everyone thinks that way, the little voice in my head chimes in.

I go back and forth. The internal battle raging on and on as I wait. And I wait. And I wait...

—-

“Lennon.”

My eyes shoot open and I straighten. Looking up at Hudson and then around the bus, I feel a little disoriented, but it doesn’t take long for me to remember where I am.

“What time is it?” I stifle a yawn as I stretch my arms.

“Just before ten.” He squats down in front of me. “What are you doing here?”

“I wanted to surprise you,” I say, my voice groggy and sleep riddled.

“Well you definitely have.” He gives me a full blown smile but it quickly falls when he catches the shift in my expression as my earlier thoughts hit me like a bullet.

“Where have you been?” I ask, trying to keep the question from sounding accusatory.

“I decided to stay at the hotel.”

“Were you alone?” I can’t stop myself from asking.

“Why would you ask me that?” His forehead draws in confusion.

“You left with Annabelle after the concert and never came back.” I look around the room noticing that Zeke is not there to back me up. In fact, the bus seems completely silent.

“Lennon.” I recognize the tone of his voice. The irritation and frustration due to the fact that I’m going there yet again. I hate that I am too, but I can’t help it. It’s like a knee jerk reaction at this point.

“Answer the question, Hudson.” I cross my arms over my chest and wait.

He opens his mouth and closes it a couple of times like he’s not really sure what to say. The action only makes me more nervous and the knot in my stomach grows tighter with each second that passes.

“Len...” It’s all he gets out before I hear her voice as she enters the bus.

“Hey, Hudson, did you happen to see my bracelet in the hotel room before you left? I can’t find...” Her voice dies off and she comes to an abrupt stop when she reaches the top of the stairs and sees me sitting in front of Hudson. “Oh, I...” she stutters, clearly not expecting to see me.

“Now I know why you wouldn’t answer the question,” I grind out, my voice low as my gaze shoots back to Hudson. Every ounce of color has drained from his face.

“Lennon, it’s not what you...”

“Don’t you dare!” I stand abruptly, causing him to stumble backward a couple of steps before straightening to a full stand.

“Lennon, wait.” Hudson reaches for me but my feet are already moving.

I shove past Annabelle with so much force it knocks her backward into the folded door. I take off through the parking lot, feeling like I’m going to go into a full blown panic attack if I don’t get out of here.

It’s only seconds before Hudson catches up to me, his fingers closing around my forearm as he pulls me to a stop.

“Lennon, stop.” He tugs at my arm, giving me no choice but to turn and face him. “I swear it is not what you think. Anna...” he starts, but I hold up my hand to stop him.

“Don’t.” I shake my head, fighting back the tears that are burning the back of my eyes. “Don’t you dare tell me it’s not what I think.”

“But it isn’t.”

“Why were you with Annabelle, Hudson? What could you have possibly been doing in a hotel room with her if not exactly what I’m thinking?”

“She had too much to drink.”

“Oh yeah, this is starting off really well. You know what, don’t tell me. I don’t want to know. It won’t change anything anyway.” I rip my arm out of his grasp.

“Lennon.”

“I can’t do this anymore,” I blurt.

“She had too much to drink. I walked her to her room. She was a mess, crying, saying how she was so alone. I couldn’t leave her like that,” he rushes out.

“I’m sure you made her feel real good, Hudson. I sure as hell don’t need the details.”

“Nothing happened. I swear it, Lennon. I slept in the chair in the corner of the room.”

“You really expect me to believe that?” The question rips from my throat so loudly anyone within a few hundred feet can probably hear.

“Yes, because it’s the truth.” He attempts to reach for me but I take a full step back.

My chest aches, my stomach turns, and looking at him makes me feel like I’m being swallowed up by a black hole.

“I won’t be that girl. I can’t be that girl.”

“What girl, Lennon?” His voice is almost desperate and it drives the knife currently piercing my heart even deeper into my chest.

“The girl who naïvely believes every word her famous boyfriend feeds her when all the signs point to what she refuses to see.”

“You’re not naïve. Nothing is going on.”

“I can’t sit around in that big house imagining the worst then having you prove me right at every turn,” I continue like he hasn’t even spoken. “I’m sick all the time. I’m obsessed. I can’t think of anything else. You and Annabelle. It eats at me. It’s killing me. You’ve made me someone I don’t even recognize anymore. Someone that I hate. I can’t... No, I won’t do this anymore.”

“Lennon, please.” Hudson grabs my hand when I attempt to walk away.

“Don’t!” I scream, ripping my hand away. “Do not touch me.”

“Please just listen to me. I didn’t do what you think I did. I could never do that to you.”

“It doesn’t even matter.” My chin quivers as tears begin to fall. “Whether you’re with her or you’re not, you’ve already made your choice. You chose to stay with her with no regard for how I would feel about it. Just like you’ve been doing for months. Even if you slept in the chair like you claim, which I don’t for one second believe, you still did so knowing it’s something I would have never been comfortable with. But then again, why should you care. You didn’t know I would come half way across the country to surprise you. As far as you knew I’d never find out. No harm, no foul, right?”

“That’s not true. I was going to tell you.”

“Don’t. We both know you weren’t.” I turn in a full circle, my eyes up on the sky as I try to collect myself enough to continue, “You can go back and tell her she wins. I don’t have it in me to play this game anymore.”

“What game?”

“You know, the sad thing is I’m not sure if you really are that clueless or you’re just really good at making me think you are. The fact that I’m not sure either way speaks volumes.”

“Tell me what you want me to do. How can I prove to you that you are it for me, Lennon?”

“You can’t. The seeds of doubt have been planted and they’re growing so rapidly I can’t see my way out anymore. It doesn’t matter if you slept with her.”

“I didn’t,” he cuts in.

“It doesn’t matter if you did.” My voice eerily calm. “I thought I could do this, Hudson. I thought I could be a part of your world and not lose myself in the process, but I can’t.”

“You haven’t even tried,” he erupts, his anger boiling to the surface. “You have fought me every single step of the way. It wasn’t me that kept us apart for weeks at a time. You made that choice. How many times did I offer to fly you to where I was going to be? How many times did I ask you to come with me and you flat out refused? If we’re being honest here you never wanted to be a part of my world. It was always me trying to pull you into it and you resisting at every turn.”

“Maybe that’s true. Maybe I was afraid to put one hundred percent of myself into this because deep down I always knew it wouldn’t work. I’m not cut out for this kind of life.”

“And what kind of life is that, Lennon? A life you get to spend with me?”

“A life where I never feel like I’m enough.”

“You are enough.” The intensity of his voice has me taking a full step back. “You’ve always been enough,” he softens. “Haven’t I shown you that? Haven’t I loved you enough?”

“Maybe it’s me not able to love you enough.” I want to take it back the moment it leaves my lips, but I know it’s too late. The damage has already been done. The bomb I launched hit its target with absolute precision.

I look into his eyes and I see the future I thought I would have with him slipping away. I look at his lips and I mourn that I will never feel them pressed against mine again. I look at his hair, knowing I’ll never run my fingers through it again. Never hear his laugh or see his smile. Never hear him say my name when he’s buried deep inside of me. The weight of everything crashes over me and it’s all I can do to keep myself from crumbling to the ground.

“I don’t even know what to say.” Hurt is etched into every feature of his handsome face and it kills me to know I put it there.

“I love you,” I say as I turn.

“You have no idea how much I wish that was enough,” he says as I begin to walk away.

Tears pour down my face and I feel like my chest is being split in half with every step I take, yet I can’t make myself turn back.

I meant what I said. Not about loving him enough. That’s never been the problem, but about our love being enough.

The sting of learning he was with Anna last night weighs heavy, but what he did or didn’t do isn’t what got us here. No, that was all on me. I delivered the fatal blow by making him believe he wasn’t enough for me when in actuality it’s me who isn’t enough for him. In a way I’ve always known it would come down to this.