Miki

 

 

“I need like, all the espresso you’ve got.” I mumble to the woman behind the coffee counter, my palms pressed hard against the wood, “Please. Like. Seriously, all of it.”

I couldn’t seem to wipe the look on Aidan’s face from my mind. He looked so unhappy with me. At least that meant Dean had kept his promise and hadn’t mentioned I’d shown up at the hospital.

Aidan and I… this was just getting so complicated.

It wasn’t real, but the feelings that were blooming inside my heart, I couldn’t handle them. I couldn’t understand them.

What did I want?

“The max is seven.” The girl drawls in her monotonous, bored voice before blowing a large bubblegum bubble and popping it with her tongue.

“Only seven…?” I repeat glumly, tears almost bursting in my eyes.

I had not gotten enough sleep to deal with this. I needed at least ten shots to get my day going.

The girl twirls the end of her ponytail impassively, popping another bubble in my face.

“Okay. Fine. Great.” I slap down some cash and shuffle aimlessly down towards the end of the counter, leaning against the cool granite.

“Long night?” A woman lounging beside me asks over the sound of steaming milk and grinding beans. Her slick black stilettos click against the ground as she shifts her long legs.

I shoot a tired glance towards her, doing a clumsily unsubtle double-take.

She’s gorgeous. Insanely beautiful supermodel gorgeous. Long chocolate colored locks tumble easily down her back, like she hadn’t ever brushed it - she’d just been born with flawless hair. Hastily I smooth my hands over my crumpled ponytail, knowing it won’t do any good.

“Ah.” I mumble, “Yeah.”

“Tell me about it, I caught a red-eye at three AM.”

“Damn.”

She nods miserably, reaching across the bar to take a huge drink that looks more like a milkshake than anything coffee. How she manages to fit a sugar laden drink like that between her tiny hips, I’ll never know.

 “So, what kept you up all night?” She questions politely, practically inhaling half the ginormous frosty drink through the straw without a single blink.

“Oh. Just, uh, boy stuff.”

Ugh. Really, Miki? Now the beautiful woman was probably going to think I was so lame. A twenty two year old woman up all night for ‘boy stuff.’

“What a coincidence.” She laughs and I almost hate her for how lovely her giggle is. No one should look so pretty while laughing. It was unnatural. I bet she was even a pretty crier too. “That’s why I’m here too.”

“Really?” My eyebrows lift in surprise, “A girl like you has boy problems?”

Her head cocks as she sucks delicately from her bright red straw, “A girl like me?” She finally asks through a mouth full of whipped cream and crushed ice.

Blushing, I gesture from her perfect red lipstick to the fabulous burgundy pantsuit and heels she’s rocking like a sexy movie star. I mean, she could have just stepped off the red carpet. Even her makeup is on point. How’d she manage a perfect cat eye with no sleep? She arches a dark brow and gazes at me blankly, as though she doesn’t understand what I’m getting at.

Awkward.

“I’m just saying that you, uh, look like you have your shit together.”

“Oh.” She smirks, shrugging her small shoulders, “Looks can be deceiving.”

“I guess so.” I muse softly, gratefully accepting the espresso loaded cappuccino from the yawning barista.

“Well, I guess I have to go deal with my business.” She sighs with a roll of her jade eyes and a playful quirk of her pink lips, “It was nice to meet you though.”

“You too.”

She winks and takes another sip of her frappe before dumping the giant empty plastic cup in the trash on her way to the elevator.

The brunette pauses at the front of the elevator, slapping a hand against the doors to keep them open as she turns on her heel back towards me.

“Hey, Cappuccino.” She calls loudly until I glance her way in startled confusion, “Comparison is the thief of joy, ya know. Don’t trust what you think you see. Salt looks like sugar, doesn’t it, babe?”

She lifts her hand and the last thing that vanishes is her wide red lipped grin - like the Cheshire cat. Her absence leaves only one question lingering on my mind.

If salt looks like sugar, what was I?

 

~~

 

“How many shots of espresso are in that thing?” Poppy asks with a disgusted wince as she thrusts my cappuccino back in my hands once I’m seated across from her.

“Just a few.” I smirk, taking a long sip of the extra bitter drink, “Besides, you’re not supposed to have any of this!”

“Henry loves coffee.” She humphs, lifting up her nose even though both of us know she hadn’t had so much as a full cup of decaf since getting pregnant with Hope.

Startled, I slap the paper cup back down in front of me with a gasp.

“Henry…?” I yelp, “Did you say Henry! Oh my god, Poppy, you’re having a little boy?!”

Color drains slightly from her face as she clears her throat and claps a hand over her mouth, “Dammit! I’ve done such a good job at keeping it a secret!”

“Does Grant know?” I clench my hands on the bottom of my chair to keep myself from launching up and throwing my arms around the pregnant woman.

“Not yet.” She grins, excitement and relief bubbling over the rosy apples of her cheeks, “Miki, you have no idea how hard it’s been not to tell anyone! I’ve been sitting on this for months!”

Unable to contain myself anymore, I jump up and run around the table over to her, throwing my arms around her neck and pressing a kiss against her cheek.

“That is so exciting! The girls are going to be thrilled to have a little brother.”

My sister sighs dreamily, resting her cheek against my own.

“I swear Grant is going to faint when he finds out. He’s wanted a boy so bad, even though he hasn’t said so.”

“Oh, I bet! He dotes on your girls, but I can totally imagine him with a little mirror image of himself.”

I squeeze her one more time then retreat back to my coffee on the other side of the table in the Price Corp lobby, taking a long sip of the drink.

Poppy digs through her wallet to find a copy of her latest sonogram, pushing it across the table so I can inspect it joyfully.

“He’s already got so much hair!” I laugh, running a finger over the glossy surface while my sister giggles and nods.

“I’m so happy for you…” I gush again, tucking a lock of hair behind my ear, “I’m sure he’ll be perfect. Just like Harper and Hope.”

She laughs, eyes rolling dramatically, “Oh please, you’ve lived with us for a few weeks now - you know my little terrors are anything but perfect.”

Hiding a smirk twitching on my lips behind my coffee cup, I just give a small shake of my head.

Sure, the girls were a little loud and a little spoiled, but they were also incredibly loving and sweet. Poppy and Grant really were amazing parents.

“How are you going to hold up with three babies under five?” I sigh, in awe of her willingness to raise a small army. I can’t imagine the things she’ll have seen, touched, and smelled by the time all three were eighteen. She was in for a wild ride.

 “Grant and I will be outnumbered.” She acknowledges grimly, palms massaging her round belly, “I’m just hoping we all survive ‘til they’re ready for college!”

We both burst into giggles again as Poppy slowly stirs more honey into her plum tea.

“So…” She begins, an internal groan expanding my lungs.

Here it goes.

I’d known this was coming. The uncomfortable talks about everything I absolutely didn’t want to discuss.

“How’s college going for you?”

“It’s going.” I respond levelly, sinking a bit in my seat. Conversations like this made me feel like I was in the principal’s office getting lectured.

She rests her chin on her palm, drumming fingers on the table, “Are you looking forward to graduating next yet?”

“God, yes.” I sigh, finally an honest answer, “More than anything.”

“And the science stuff, you’re still enjoying it?”

We gaze at each other until I drop my eyes back to the table.

“Not really.” I finally manage to whisper.

“Well, what do you enjoy?” She asks sagely, leaning back in her chair and massaging her belly again uncomfortably.

“Are you feeling okay?” I ask softly as she nods and waves away my concerns.

“I’m not sure what I like.” I finally shrug.

“You’re  a smart girl. You’ll figure it out. I’m here for you.”

I keep my eyes down at the table. Poppy has no idea how much those simple words mean to me, how much I’d needed her to say that. The line between her being ‘mom’ and ‘older sister’ had gotten so blurred the past few years, sometimes it was just nice to have her unyielding support.

“Grant told me Aidan was back in his office, so he must be recovering well.”

Just when I thought the unpleasant conversations would be over, here we were back at my love life.

Her eyes burn down on me like I’m under a spotlight, making me squirm from the heat. I swallow the dry lump in my throat, gaze following the trail of colorful swirls on the paper cup sitting patiently before me.

“Must be.” I murmur, shifting around in my seat and avoiding her eyes. I cross one leg over my knee then fidget around uneasily and cross them at the ankles instead.

“Is something going on with you two? You look like you’re trying not to vomit. If anyone’s going to puke, it’s going to be the pregnant one.” She adds with a resolute bob of her chin.

As though I could avoid the talk forever just by not responding, I continue to inspect the swirling pattern on the cup, like if I stared at it with enough intensity it would suck me into the paper and let me fly along the rainbow ridges.

 “Miki…” Poppy heaves a sigh and grabs the edge of her chair, yanking it around the table until she can seat herself beside me. She sticks out a single hand, palm side up, fingers wiggling and clears her throat audibly until I groan aloud and lay my hand on hers. Fingers closing over my hand, she squeezes it tight, “Miki, I know we haven’t always had the closest relationship, but I’m the only family you’ve got. Talk to me. I love you.”

“I know you do!” I mumble quickly in embarrassment, cheeks flushing.

Despite my visible shame, she pushes on stubbornly.

“Sometimes I just think… I just think that if you’d talked to me when you and David first got together that I could have looked out for you more…”

Her hold on my hand is sweet and heartening, like our Mom’s. My older sister had taken after her so much the past few years. They have the same compassionate instincts and open warmth. I’m jealous of how easily she opens up to others and her talent to have others, like me, open up to her.

Her tenderness is irresistible. Like a quilted, cozy blanket you can’t help but bundle up in.

“I feel like no one can love me, Poppy.” The words gush out before I can control my tongue, like a dam busting or a geyser exploding. Those sensitive, secret words that I had never spoken to anyone were suddenly out in the open for others to hear. It was like opening a diary or laying my heart out for anyone to have. My whole body pulsed with fear and dread. There was no going back now.

“I think I might just be unlovable.”

“Why would you ever think that?” She whispers in breathless shock, eyes going slightly wide though she struggles to look calm. Her fingers tighten over my hand.

“I think I’m broken, Poppy. I think that relationship I had with David… I think it broke me.”

For a long moment Poppy doesn’t say anything at all, then she squeezes my hand with both of hers and lifts my palm to her lips to press a kiss into it. When she buries her face against my damp palm, I can feel tiny pinpricks of heat splash against the flesh.

I close my eyes, inhaling a shaky breath.

Saying this out loud… it was painful but it was a weight off my shoulders. I’d carried this with me for years. This belief that I was less of a person than I was before David and I started dating. It wasn’t the whole truth, but it was a significant chunk of it. The rest… the rest I couldn’t share yet.

“You were so young when you two started dating.” Poppy whispers against my hand, not looking at me, “And you had just lost both of your parents. He took advantage of you, Miki. He made you his emotional punching bag. You carried burdens you shouldn’t have as a teenager. He’s not in jail because he was a good, decent person. He’s there because he’s a danger to everyone, and you were the one who had to deal with that for so long.”

My throat dries, tears stinging my own eyes as I stare intently back at the tiny cup of coffee on the rickety table.

“But Aidan…” She pauses, choking on her words. Finally she tilts her head back, clutching my hand against her cheek. It’s only then I realize I’m clinging to her fingers as though I’m a little girl afraid to let go of her mother’s skirt, “Miki, all I want in this world is for you to-”

“Be happy, I know. I know.” I tug my hand away, sighing but she snatches it back up so firmly that I have to bite back a yelp.

“No, that wasn’t what I was going to say.” She whispers, “All I want is for you to know your worth, Miki. I want you to know what you deserve.”

“…What I deserve?”

“You deserve to love wholeheartedly. You deserve to be loved wholeheartedly. You deserve the whole fucking world, little sister.”

We stare at each other, damp eyed and startled by the depth of a conversation held in a busy lobby surrounded by the roasted scent of coffee beans and fresh buttery scones. I’m grateful we’re surrounded by the bustle of the busy floor and not enveloped by uncomfortable silence.

“I will remind you that every damn day if I have to.” Poppy continues before finally letting go of my bruised hand.

I stare down at my fingers, watching them tremble.

“I have my own feelings about what you’ve got with Aidan, but I trust you Miki. I trust you to value yourself.” She adds quietly.

Valuing myself… how do I even begin to do that?

“Is Aidan worthy of you, Miki? Is he worthy of everything you are, of everything you can give?”

My gaze jerks back to my sister who is sitting quietly serene at my side, her eyes impossibly soft, like melting butter.

She knows the truth before it ruptures in my heart.

“I have to go.” I bumble breathlessly, jumping to my feet so quickly that I slide along the tile, knocking over my coffee cup and sending the deep brown liquid surging across the tiny table.

“Oh no!” I gasp, clumsily grabbing a fistful of napkins to blot the mess.

Poppy reaches out a steady hand to rest on my own, that delicate grin still on her lips.

“Go, Miki.” She murmurs, eyes flickering towards the elevator, “Go.”

 

~~

 

I could have sworn the elevator was filled with electricity. Every breath I took vibrated and sparked down into my lungs, making my fists ball up and my heart thud fast with raw anticipation.

I could hardly even translate my wildly running emotions into solid thoughts or words, but all I knew for sure was that I had to see Aidan. I had to look into his face. I had to feel his lips on my own again. What I would say, what I would do, it was all still a mystery. But I was sure I’d know the second I saw his face. That was all I needed right now, to be near him.

Everything else would become clear after that.

The elevator doors slide so slowly apart that I almost grab hold of them and wrench them open myself before launching free of the metal box and down the hallway towards my fake fiancé’s office.

Dean stares at me from where he talks to Reagan around the corner, both of their eyebrows lifting and jaws going slack simultaneously at the sight of my fervent dash.

“You okay?” The blond man calls as I dart by while Reagan just shakes her head.

“That’s Miki for you.” She sighs.

The cold brass of the doorknob to Aidan’s office rolls easily beneath my hand as I force it open, practically spilling inside.

 “Aidan!” I cry out, exhilarated and frantic and panicky all at the same time.

“Oh.” He says simply, climbing with painful slowness to his feet as his golden brow furrows in stark confusion, “Miki?”

“Aidan, I-” My words cut off sharply as the gorgeous woman from downstairs slowly rises in her chair and turns to face me with pursed lips and narrowed olive eyes. Though they were gentle in the lobby, right now her entire face could have been carved from ice.

“Ah.” Aidan clears his throat, glancing between myself and the other woman, “I suppose I’ll introduce you-”

“I believe we’ve already met.” She interrupts frostily, her unblinking eyes never leaving my startled ones, “Cappuccino, I’m Aidan’s ex, Ariana. I’m here to bring him home.”