Ben is not a yeller, or a screamer, or a fighter, (unless of course, someone’s kissing his fiancée). He’s never had that sort of passion in him, which I used to think was a good thing. But now that he’s on the other side of Sabryna’s apartment, staring at me coldly, I’d do anything for a clean, simple fight.

 He’s looking at me like I am evil itself, and I’m beginning to feel nauseous. Sabryna had left to pick up food, and Ben and I were left alone in the apartment to decide the fate of our relationship.

 “So how long have you had a secret boyfriend in Seattle?” Ben grimaced.

 “It wasn’t like that,” I tried to explain. “I left because I was getting cold feet, and I needed to see Sabryna and figure things out.”

 “Bull. Shit. Eliza. How stupid do you think I am?”

 “No really, Ben, listen to me,” I said, tears welling up in my eyes. “The night I left, I was freaking out. I started feeling trapped, and I started getting scared. I needed to run away, to stretch my legs a bit before the wedding, and I don’t know what got into me but I just went, and there was no turning back.”

 “I don’t know,” Ben said. “That sounds…”

 “I know, I know,” I said. “But you can’t tell me you’ve never wondered about other women, and life outside our town, and how our lives could be different? Doesn’t it ever feel like that to you?”

 “No!” Ben yelled, suddenly furious. “No it doesn’t, Eliza, and you know why? Because I love you, that’s why!”

 “How would we even know?” I yelled back. “We’re the only people we’ve ever dated! We’re getting married because it’s the default and we’ve been together for ages and that’s what we’re supposed to do at our age, but did you ever suppose that maybe, just maybe, it wasn’t right? You never had a single doubt?”

 Ben shook his head. “That’s beside the point.”

 “No, but it isn’t!” I said. “I came here because I needed to run, just one last time, to see if I was missing anything before I settled down with you in that small town for good. And you know what? I’m glad I came, because I am missing something. That’s what I found out.”

 Ben looked at me, disgusted. “And you found that with him, I suppose?”

 I shrugged. “I did. I know it sounds wrong, but I did.”

 “I don’t understand how you could do this to me,” Ben said, shaking his head sadly.

 “It’s not just me though, Ben,” I said. “I think it’s you too. I can tell when we’re together, and I know you can too. We just don’t have that natural spark, that easy chemistry that other people do when they’re around each other. We’re just friends who get along, but we’re not in love. And we both deserve love…it’s just not with each other.”

 Ben shook his head. “I didn’t expect this when I came here to find you, you know,” he said. “I just wanted to make sure that you were safe and bring you home.”

 “I’m staying,” I said. “I’m sorry, but I have to.”

 Ben turned to make his way towards the door. “So this guy…” he stuttered. “You have this…with him?”

 I thought of Cassidy and I joking around the office and our long conversations in the park, the ways our words flowed and worked in patterns together. I thought of our kiss, the electricity of it palpable on my fingertips. Even in the very beginning, when we were young, it had never quite been that way with Ben…and with Cassidy, it had fallen into place like instant magic.

 “Yes,” I said. “Yes, I do. And I’m sorry.”

 I held my breath as I watched him leave.

 And then, and only then, was I truly alone.

***

 I felt shooting pains in my feet as I ran down the pavement, my heartbeat pounding like a drum in my ears. I had made my choice, and something about that terrified me. I realized with a sudden jolt of guilt that I already barely missed Ben, and that the termination of our engagement had been flatter and more business-like than it should have been. Perhaps my love for him had been a charade all along. I wanted Cassidy, and I would do anything to get him back.

 I was out of breath by the time that I reached the lobby of his building. Sabryna had scrawled out his address on a piece of scrap paper, and it had almost disintegrated from the sweat from my palms. I watched as two doormen gave me strange looks…clearly, I looked out of place and suspicious in the posh atmosphere of the building, but I strode toward the elevator like I owned the place and slipped into the elevator behind another resident. I was determined to win him back. But what would I say? I had been keeping this secret for so long, had gotten so intimate with it, that I had forgotten how strange and horrifying it must have sounded hitting Cassidy’s ears for the first time.

 I felt tears coming, and I began to panic. I took three long, deep breaths as I made my way to Cassidy’s door. Oh god. What could I even say? What words would ever excuse what I had just done to him?

 I stood in front of the door, feeling nauseous at the thought of what Cassidy’s face would look like when he’d open the door. Beaten up, heartbroken, disappointed.

 The door opened slowly…oddly…feminine?

 “Yes?” said a high pitched, sultry voice behind the door, and I found myself face to face with a woman…one who was probably five years younger and five inches taller than I was. She had blazing red hair and wore a black silk sleep shirt draped off her shoulder in a way that practically declared that she had just gotten laid.

 “Oh, um…” I stuttered. “This is a bad time, I, um…”

 Just as I was about to frantically turn to go, I saw Cassidy approach from the kitchen. He was wearing only his navy boxer shorts and had an ice pack on his shoulder soothing what must have been a wound from his fight with Ben.

 “Eliza?” he asked. “Really? Do you really think there’s anything you could do to make up for lying to me like that? Do you?”

 I stood there frozen, staring at him in terror. The redhead just stood back, amused at the drama playing out in front of her. Cassidy, who was usually so happy-go-lucky about life, was staring at me with a look of deep shame and disappointment that felt like a stab in the gut.

 The redhead smirked at me, and then looked down at me with a pitiful gaze as if I were a lost puppy that no one was coming to rescue.

 “I’ll go now,” I said, running down the stairs before the tears started. I couldn’t believe my stupidity. But I couldn’t blame him. I had deserved it.

 I had thought that playboys couldn’t have their hearts broken. But I was clearly mistaken.