Chapter One

"Go jingle your fucking bells, deck the fucking halls, and I hope your partridge is dead. Merry Christmas."

"Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la."

Vera looped her arm through mine and steered me away from Ben, hurrying me across the courtyard. I could still feel my ex-boyfriend staring at me with a look of shock. It was a much better look than the one that had previously been burned into my mind, which was of pity and disregard as he finished explaining to me why he couldn't possibly continue dating me. That was not on my list of things to be Thankful for as I choked down Thanksgiving dinner at his grandmother's house an hour later.

And the turkey was dry, so there.

"I can't believe he's here," I growled as we stepped into the coffee shop on the edge of the courtyard. "I can't believe he came here."

"Well," Vera said, unraveling the thick multicolored scarf from around her neck. "You're here."

"Thank you so much for pointing that out, person who insisted that I come here even though she knows that it was Ben and my special place every Christmas."

"I thought that it would help you get over him."

"Yes, because nothing says heal a broken heart and put your ex behind you like going to a tree lighting ceremony surrounded by arches with mistletoe." I let out a sound that was somewhere between a sigh and a groan as I dropped into a chair and dropped my head down onto the table in front of me. "And he brought her here."

"I'm so sorry," Vera said. "She's having kind of a rough day."

For a moment I didn't understand what Vera meant, then I realized that she wasn't talking to me. I looked up and saw a couple staring at me and looking none too pleased that I had joined them at their table. At that particular juncture in my life I really couldn't give a flying fig or the pudding it would later be baked into that I had butted my way into a romantic interlude. It wasn't the first that day and maybe it wouldn't be my last. Maybe I would just run around the little shopping village kicking people out from under the mistletoe and spilling cups of hot cocoa in vengeance for all those nursing broken hearts during the holidays and tired of couples flaunting all their yuletide love.

I stayed exactly where I was, staring back at them without a moment of guilt or any intention of moving. Finally, the couple grabbed their paper cups and stood, huffing as they made their way through the densely packed shop. Vera took one of the chairs and shook her head at me as she draped her scarf across the back.

"Well at least you have a way with getting us a table," she said.

"They had outstayed their welcome."

"Their drinks were still steaming."

"They outstayed my welcome."

"Fair enough. I'm going to go get something that will thaw me out. Do you want anything?'

"Alcohol."

"Hot cocoa it is."

"Arsenic."

"With mini marshmallows. Be back in a minute." She took a few steps away and then turned back and looked at me. "I would say make sure that no one takes our table, but in this situation, I'm going to say don't hurt anyone while I'm gone. Remember...Santa's watching."

"Santa hates me."

"Santa doesn't hate anyone. I'll be right back."

Vera walked away, elbowing her way toward the counter where overwhelmed clerks struggled to serve cocoa, coffee, and cookies to the throngs of people who flocked to the tiny rustic version of an open air mall for the lighting of the Christmas tree. I turned my attention away from the people staring at me from the nearby tables and looked down at my hands. It was the first time that I realized that they were shaking. It seemed ridiculous that I was so surprised to see Ben at the lighting. It was one of the most popular events of the season in our town, and we were far from unique in having it as a tradition in the years of our relationship. It seemed that as long as you had been dating for more than twelve and a half minutes before the lighting, you were probably going to go to it with your significant, or even just somewhat meaningful, other. Having that reality in my mind, however, didn't do anything to soften the blow when I saw Ben strolling around the courtyard, gazing up at the lights on the towering tree with a sparkle in his eyes and a lanky blonde in silver spandex on his arm.

Silver bells, indeed, bitch.

I don't even know what that means.

Vera returned faster than I would have expected her to and offered no explanations of how she managed to get through the lines so quickly. I didn't ask. I could only assume that it had something to do with blaming the emotionally unstable woman who just stole a table from an unsuspecting couple. She offered me a cup of hot cocoa and I took a swig. It burned my throat and I nearly crumbled. It felt like just another way that the universe was poking me in the middle of the forehead just to be mean. I knew exactly why Ben had linked up with that girl so soon, and it was right on par with the reason that we had broken up in the first place, not that he had actually said the words. Even he had the decency not to say, "I'm sick of dating a virgin".

"We've been broken up for ten minutes," I said. "How could he possibly have already gotten into another relationship?"

"You broke up on Thanksgiving," Vera pointed out. "That was a little more than ten minutes ago."

"Not much more." I sighed. "He said that he needed space, that he didn't feel like he could really devote himself to a meaningful relationship right now because he was trying to find himself."
"Well, maybe he was easier to find than he thought he was going to be and now he's ready."

She grinned at me, but I just glared back. It was embarrassing enough to know that I had held out some romantic dream for five years, thinking that he was waiting for me, only to have him toss me out like the leftovers. I really didn't need it shoved in my face that it was for someone who would let him open up her up like a wishbone.

"I'm not really in a laughing mood right now. I told you that this was going to be a horrible idea."

"Alright, Miss Humbug, I give up. I won't make you stay here any longer. Do you want to go back to your apartment now?"

I nodded, and we started fighting our way through the crowd to get out. I kept my eyes away from the tree and the glittering lights. I knew that from that distance it was unlikely that I would be able to see Ben and his little Christmas elf, but I really wasn't in a place where I wanted to even risk it.

We settled into Vera's car and I immediately smashed my mittened finger onto the radio control, not wanting to hear even a second of Christmas music. I had always had a complicated relationship with Christmas. A name like Holly will do that to you. But this year it was exponentially worse. While everyone else was happily bustling around with their Christmas packages and rocking around the Christmas tree, I wanted to melt everyone's winter wonderland, steal Frosty's hat, shove Santa off the roof, and tell the little drummer boy to trade up for some bongos and move on.

I didn't know what that meant either.

I seriously needed to get a grip.

My apartment was predictably devoid of all holiday cheer as I dragged myself into it and dropped my purse into an overstuffed recliner off to the side. No tree. No garland. No weird dancing Santas. The closest thing to anything seasonal was a gallon of eggnog ice cream sitting in my freezer with a good chunk missing.

"I'm sorry that I suggested that we go," Vera said, seeming to finally feel the guilt that I had been trying to instill in her. "I didn't mean to upset you. I really thought that going there would help you to see that everything's going to be alright."

"You thought that because I'm struggling to get over a breakup that bringing me out to see my ex-boyfriend with his new girlfriend was going to make me see that everything is going to be alright?" I asked incredulously.

"Well, obviously I didn't know that Ben was going to be there. You forced me to stop following him on all of his platforms, remember? I can't track him anymore. But, yes, I thought that bringing you out there and letting you see the tree and the lights, maybe drink some cocoa, sing a couple of songs, might help. I thought you would have fun and see that life was going to move on. You can still celebrate Christmas and enjoy yourself, and then the new year will come, and you can have a fresh start."

"I don't want to celebrate Christmas. I want Christmas to go suck its own candy cane."

"Unfortunately, there's nothing that you can do about the fact that it's Christmas season. Didn't you learn anything from the Grinch? No matter how hard you try, no matter how many bamboozles and twirly dangerous-looking toys you steal, you can't keep Christmas from happening. You just can't. You are going to have to deal with the fact that the holidays are here, and they will be for a few more weeks, so you might as well get with the program and get seasonal."

I dropped down onto the couch and dropped my head back.

"I know. I just don't want to. I don't want to deal with any of it. I just want to go somewhere warm and drown my sorrows in the sun and sand and fruity drinks with little umbrellas."

As soon as the words were out of my mouth, my eyes got wide.

"What?" Vera asked as I straightened, my mouth open and starting to tilt into a smile. "What is that look? That's kind of a terrifying look."

"No, no. It's a good look," I said. I thought for a second, mentally going through all of my bedroom drawers. "I'll be right back."

I jumped up from the couch and ran through the apartment to my bedroom, sifting through my drawers like I had in my mind. I let out a happy sound of triumph when I found what I was looking for and went back into the living room. Vera now sat on the couch that I had vacated and looked at me almost nervously when I came back in the room. I held the papers in my hand up.

"What's that?" she asked.

"I said that I wanted to go somewhere warm and drown my sorrows, and that's exactly what I'm going to do. I'm not celebrating Christmas this year. I'm going to Kranks this bitch."

"I have no idea what you're talking about. Did I give you the wrong cocoa?"

I hopped onto the couch beside her and shoved the papers into her hand.

"No. Look. I totally forgot about this until right now. This is the cruise that Ben and I were supposed to go on this Christmas. He surprised me with it a couple of months ago."

"I think you told me about that," Vera said.

I nodded and reached over to flip through the brochure that I had handed her.

"I was convinced that he had booked it for us because he was going to propose when we were on it."

"Really?" Vera asked, sounding incredulous.

"Yeah," I said, looking at her strangely. "We were together for almost five years."

"I know. I just wouldn't think that Ben would think something like that through. I always figured if he proposed he would just be like...by the way. Then hand you an onion ring or something."

"His name is Ben, not Homer."

Vera shrugged.

"So, what are you going to do? Go on it by yourself?"

"Why not? He didn't mention it when we broke up and the cruise is non-refundable. This ticket has my name on it. Why shouldn't I go on it?"

"I just can't imagine going on a romantic cruise by myself."

"Because that's so much of a jump from going to the Lighting festivities with your best friend?"

"Yeah. I mean. Kinda. Yeah."

"Well, I don't have anybody to be romantic with and I really have no interest sitting around this apartment by myself while you gallivant off for the season."

"I'm going to my grandmother's house in the mountains. I don't really think that that qualifies as gallivanting."

"This is the perfect thing for me to do," I insisted. "I'll gorge myself at the buffets, drink all the little fruity drinks that I can get my hands on, and maybe, just maybe, get my hands on some other lonely Christmas skippers I meet at the bar."

"Spread some cheer."

"Exactly."

"Do you really think that's what you should do? You just spent five years with a man who never even saw you naked, and now you want to make up for lost time on the naughty list with any guy you happen to meet?"

"Why not, Vera? Maybe that's my problem. I got so up in my own head about everything that it ended up ruining our relationship. Maybe now's the time for me to just throw caution to the wind and just get it over with so that I don't have to think about it so much in my next relationship."

"Well, that's certainly romantic."

"I thought so."

"If that's what you want," Vera said with a sigh.

"I don't know what I want. Maybe I won't do anything. Maybe I'll lay by the pool and do nothing but go through a rainbow of cocktails. Maybe I'll welcome every cabin boy to the United States in true naval fashion. I don't know. But whatever it is, it's going to have absolutely nothing to do with Christmas."

"You've got to do whatever's right for you."

I had a feeling that she had largely given up on the conversation, resigned to the fact that I had, at least temporarily, lost my mind. I jumped up again and started toward my bedroom.

"What are you doing?"

"I need to pack," I said. "The cruise embarks in a week and I'm not going to have a lot of free time before then."

"What are you going to tell your boss?"

"I already took the time off for vacation."

"I thought you said that you forgot about the cruise."

"I did. But I always try to take these couple of weeks off."

"That's true. If there's one thing that you really hate about Christmas, it's pretending that you like your coworkers enough to exchange gifts or cards or even smile at each other."

"Exactly. That's why Ben decided on this particular cruise. I thought that was really considerate of him."

"Yep. There's nothing like a man who has a built-in escape plan for his ex after their breakup."

"That's not helpful."

I opened my closet and yanked out my suitcase, swinging it up and slamming it onto my bed. I popped it open and crossed to my dresser to start pulling out clothes.

"This is so unfair," I said.

"That was a fast change of emotion. I thought that you were excited about the cruise."

"No, not the cruise. This." I turned around and showed her the bathing suit in my hands. "Big girls need so much more fabric than those little twig people that Ben's apparently into now."

At five feet ten inches tall and with a few extra hours thrown into my hourglass figure, I was not a delicate snowflake by any stretch of the imagination. Not quite at abominable snowman territory, but enough to give me a bit of self-consciousness when facing down the woman draped on Ben.

"Are you going to start rallying for justice for stretch fabric?"

"Not the fabric, the suitcase. I can't fit as much into this thing. I need more square footage to contain my vacation wardrobe."

"I really don't think that the difference is that significant."

"Even still. They can fit more in and yet, we have the same baggage restrictions on the airline. It seems unfair."

"Speaking of which, when is your flight? Do you need me to drive you to the airport?"

"I'm not sure. Check the reservation. It should be with the cruise tickets."

Vera shuffled through the papers in her hands as I continued to roll clothes and tuck them into the suitcase.

"It's not here."

"What?"

"The airline reservation. It's not here with the tickets. Are you sure that he got a flight?"

"Of course, he did. He wouldn't just book a cruise and not have a way for us to get to the port. I must have just left it in the drawer." I pulled open the drawer and dug through it again. Finally, I slammed it. "He didn't get a flight," I said.

"What are you going to do?" Vera asked. "The port is states away. Are you going to try to drive?"

"I can't drive," I said, sounding a bit more desperate than I would have wanted to. "Do you know what the traffic is like out there at this time of year? Besides, I don't know if my car would even make it."

"I've told you that not changing out your car since college was not a wise money-saving tactic."

I didn't really have a way to respond to that. I knew that she was right. I had initially delayed buying another car because of the emotional attachment that I had to the very first vehicle that I purchased. Then I started excusing the continued clinging by saying that I didn't have the money to spend on another car when the one that I had was still chugging right along. After I landed a better job and my savings account got a little bit of an uptick, though, I knew that that excuse wasn't really all that valid anymore. It's not like I was rolling in money, but there was enough there to justify at least a moderate monthly payment. The truth was my reluctance had become a game of chicken between me and my rapidly aging sedan, a game to see just how long I was going to be able to hang on to it before I had to finally relent and buy something new. That game, though, had now come back to bite me in the ass because I was convinced that if I tried to drive it the several hundred miles it was going to take to get to the cruise port I was going to end up stranded by the side of the road.

"I don't think that right now is the time for a recap of the life lessons that I should have learned by now." I thought for a few seconds and then nodded. "Alright. All hope is not lost. Maybe I can get a last-minute flight. There has to be something available. It's not like I have a ton of Christmas presents to buy. I can afford to pay the holiday premium."

It might require me to clean out a good portion of my savings, but at that moment, I really didn't care. I needed to get away from town, away from Ben, and away from the holidays. I closed my suitcase and grabbed my laptop. Twenty minutes later I had scanned every airline for flights that would get me where I needed to go on time.

"So... that wasn't very successful," Vera said.

"None. There are no flights. How can there be no flights?"

"I've heard that people like to travel over the holidays."

I glared at her.

"Again. Life lessons."

"What are your other options?"

I sighed.

"I don't know."

"Well, driving's out. There are no flights. I see the way you're looking at me right now and no, there's no way in hell I'm driving you there."

"Come on, Vera! Road trip."

"That is not a road trip. That is the world's longest pro bono Uber ride. Besides, I wouldn't have time to bring you all the way there and get all the way back here before I need to catch the flight to my grandmother's house that I responsibly booked several weeks ago."

"So, what am I supposed to do?"

"There is one option."

Vera leaned over me and typed something into the computer. I looked at the screen, up at her incredulously, and then back at the screen.

"You can't be serious."

"I don't really think that you have any other choice. If you want to get to your anti-Christmas cruise, this is how you are going to have to get there." She patted me on my back. "Just think of it as your very own Polar Express."

I let out a long exhalation.

"Great."

The train.