Chapter Fifteen

Holly

I will have fun today. I will have fun today. I will have some damned fun today.

"Merry Christmas" said some person passing by me as I walked on the main deck of the boat.

For the first time in my life I contemplated just how easy it would be to toss another human being into the water, and exactly how much trouble I would get in for doing it. Would it be attempted murder? Assault? Can I plead insanity?

If I see just one Christmas decoration, I might have to set everything on fire. Then I can definitely plead insanity. Christmas made me do it will play in a court. Maybe I can reprise my last words to Ben and do a medley of Christmas carols of the damned. That should convince them that I should not be held accountable for tossing a man overboard and then throwing his eggnog down with him.

I walked across to the bar stand and perused the menu. There were lots a fruity, tropical drinks on the menu, several standard bar drinks and then an entire side menu of Christmas themed options. I didn't know if that counted as a decoration, but I was pretty sure if they did anything special to the glass it would count, and I didn't want to have to murder everyone on the boat or send it up in a fiery inferno. That thought made me even sadder, imagining the Whiskey Hollow Christmas story that would evolve from a whole boat going up in flames. Deciding I was better safe than sadistic, I grabbed a paper menu and walked away. The intention was to have a seat by the pool, find something salty and decadent to eat, order it and bring it back to my stateroom where I could devour it in peace. The decadent part was to make me feel better. The salty part was so that my tears blended in just in case I had another moment of spontaneous sobbing as I had had several times since boarding.

First though, a little walk was what I knew I needed. I needed thinking time, and the boat was big enough that one lap would be more than enough steps that I wouldn't feel as guilty about ordering a dessert too. I started off toward the back of the boat, trying to remember if that was 'starboard' side or not, when I came to the entrance of the on-ship nightclub. It was dark inside, but I could just make out a few lonely souls inside.

God, I miss him.

Ugh. I hated even thinking that. Did I though? Really? Did I miss him specifically or was I just lonely, sad, and feeling sorry for myself? I didn't know for sure, and that made everything even worse. How in the world was I supposed to enjoy a cruise if I was sad? What made me do this in the first place?

Oh, shit. It was because I was sad. I planned on going on the cruise because I was sad about one guy, and now I'm miserable on the cruise because I was sad about another. This was the worst fucking holiday fable to ever be told. And I didn't even get to be played by an anthropomorphized animal or discover some sort of deep meaning at the end.

I shook my head and tried to shove those thoughts away. I had to move on, by myself. I had to forget about Graham and his deliciousness or Charlie and his adorableness. I had to remember why I had to put him, and all thoughts of that type of future, behind me, and doing this was a step toward that independence. No boyfriends, no friends, no one but me and this giant boat, and these strangers, and…

A Christmas decoration.

And a big one. A giant wreath was hanging on the back end of the boat.

How in the living hell did I miss that?

It must have been 10 feet tall and just as wide and it was decorated with ribbons and bows and all manner of festive Christmas jewelry. I wanted to be angry and complain and rant about the unfairness of it all. I wanted to be able to fantasize about tearing it off the boat and curling a smile like the Grinch as I flung it into the sea to be a life preserver for the kraken.

But I couldn't. Instead of making me boil, it just made me sadder.

Maybe I should go swimming thought a completely irrational and idiotic part of my brain. Not only do I have absolutely no desire to get into a bathing suit right now, but I am not a particularly strong swimmer and it would be a shame for this all to end with me on the front page of the newspaper as a tragic holiday loss.

I wonder if that would qualify as news for the Holler Holler.

"Can I help you, Miss?" asked a voice behind me. I turned and saw an older gentleman at the door of the nightclub. I realized I hadn't moved from in front of the door and had just been staring at the wreath this entire time.

"No, thank you, I'm fine" I said.

I am not fine.