Patrick clasped Maddy’s hand and tried to concentrate on what he’d come all this way to say, but his anxiety over Tash kept interfering. It was past lunchtime and there’d been nothing from her. No call, no text, no email or instant message, only silence. The urge to ring her again was so strong he had to brace against it.
An aide smiled at him as she padded past Maddy’s bed and continued through the airy room to where another resident was resting in one of the special recliners. There were eighteen patients in this section of the facility but the majority were outside in the garden, enjoying the fine day and being watched and fussed over by staff and visitors. Nicola was out there too, having suggested Patrick and Maddy stay inside for privacy, and every now and then her laughter filtered through the doors. The change in Nicola had been extraordinary, causing Patrick to hug her fiercely on arriving at the home. He’d been selfish and unthinking in his demands for Maddy. The facility was all they promised and more. Maddy seemed content and they were happier, and in moving away had allowed Patrick to find love. The Handrecks had done the right thing.
‘Maddy?’
He watched her face carefully but she remained as unresponsive as at Springbank. Patrick despised himself for the twinge of relief he felt. Though he knew the odds were minuscule, and though he wished for it more than anything, finding her improved and responsive had also been one of his greatest fears.
‘Maddy, I have to tell you something. Something important.’
He swallowed and gripped her fingers a little tighter. Perhaps he should have asked Nicola for Maddy’s engagement ring, but putting it on just to take it off seemed too cruel, and would only make what he had to say harder.
‘I should have done this before, not been such a coward, but I was scared of hurting you and I was scared of letting go. We’d shared so much and I loved you so deeply that for too long I couldn’t picture a world without you in my life. I kept hoping you’d come back, that we’d have a second chance to create the future we’d dreamed of.’ He lowered his head. ‘But it’s not going to happen, not for us. We’re never going to get married, never going to have kids, never going to grow old together, and I’m so sorry. So, so sorry.’
Patrick breathed in. His eyes and throat were burning but he had to do this. ‘I’m still young, Maddy. There’s still a chance I can have these things. Not with you, like we’d dreamed, but with someone else. A chance to be happy and in love again. I’d like to think that maybe you’d want that for me.’ He leaned closer, studying her. ‘I’m letting go, and I’m so sorry if it hurts you but I can’t spend the rest of my life dangling like this.’ He stroked her cheek, smiling sadly at the girl he’d adored. ‘I want you to know I truly loved you. You were my heart and soul, and I would have been proud and honoured to have you as my wife.’
He bent to press his cheek against hers, playing for time and fortifying himself to tell her about Tash.
As Patrick straightened again his phone vibrated. He snatched it from his pocket, stomach lurching in the hope that it was Tash. Ceci’s name lit the screen and for a second he considered dumping the call, but it could be news about Tash. Murmuring ‘Back in a minute’ to Maddy, he stood and headed for the corridor, pressing ‘Answer’ as he walked.
‘Oh God, Patrick, it’s all gone wrong!’
A wave of cold washed over him. ‘What is it?’
‘It’s too complicated to explain right now, but basically Thom saw your ute at my place last night and, thinking the worst, called Tash.’
‘What the fuck?’ Realising he’d spoken too loud, Patrick lowered his voice and headed for the exit. ‘Hang on, I need to get somewhere private.’ He pushed out into the sun and strode across a lawn until he was well away from the building. ‘I’m going to kill that little shit.’
Except it wasn’t Thom’s fault. Patrick was the one who’d lied.
He rubbed a hand down his face. ‘Tash mustn’t have got my message.’
‘She drowned her phone yesterday, which is why none of us can get in touch with her to explain what really happened. Thom only caught her last night because she happened to be online but since then she either hasn’t been near the computer or she’s ignoring us all.’
‘Jesus Christ.’
‘Patrick, I’m sorry, but it gets worse.’
‘Worse?’ How the fuck could it get worse?
‘Thom’s got the login to her cloud storage. He’s been checking it regularly in case she uploads anything.’
Patrick’s neck hairs began to spike.
‘There’s a new video. It’s … it’s not good.’
Alarm made him freeze. He spoke slowly, articulating every word. ‘In what way not good?’
‘She’s really upset. Says she’s had her heart broken. Then she goes on about beautiful people treating people who love them like dirt, and she … You’ll see when you watch it. I’ve already emailed it through.’ Ceci paused and when she spoke again her voice was full of tears. ‘Patrick, I’m sorry. I should never have told you to lie to her, but I never, ever thought she’d believe we could do that to her.’
Patrick didn’t either, but with that little shit Thom pissing in her ear anything could happen. ‘It’s not your fault. I should have told her the truth from the start.’
He should have realised the risk, the hurt it could cause. She’d given him her trust, and five minutes later he’d broken it. What did he expect her to think? Christ almighty, he was a fucking idiot.
‘Look,’ he said, ‘I have to get going. If I head off now I might be able to scrounge an earlier flight.’ He needed to call his mum, ask her to duck into Castlereagh and talk to Tash. Not ideal, but she might be able to stop her from thinking the worst. He needed to say goodbye to Maddy too.
‘Good luck. And Patrick? We’ll sort this out, okay?’
But when he hung up and opened the video, any hope he had that this was an easily fixed misunderstanding sank fast. With every second he watched, Tash’s desolation, confusion and anger broke Patrick to pieces.
Then the knife sliced through her fingers and blood dripped in horrifying colour. Tash clenched her hand to her chest, pale faced with shock. Patrick reached for a post and gripped it, wanting to tear it out of the ground and javelin it across the sky in fury at his stupidity.
Sobbing, she sank out of view.
His breath froze as her sobs turned to silence. He stared wide-eyed at the screen, anxiety churning his gut, skin prickling with fear. ‘Please, Tash. Please get up.’
Forever seemed to pass, then his breath came out in a whoosh as she slowly hoisted herself into view. The tea towel was bloody and her face still pale, but when she unwrapped her hand it appeared the worst of the bleeding had stopped.
But his relief was short-lived. Fingers cleaned and bandaged, Tash shuffled back to the bench and stared at the chopping board, lank hair shielding her face. She went to pick up her knife only for her arm to flop back limp to her side. Her shoulders sagged, head bowing further.
Finally, she gazed up at the camera, and it was if everything that made Tash so beautiful, so special, had bled out.
The most radiant girl in the world had gone dull, and it was all Patrick’s fault.
By the time Patrick boarded his flight in Brisbane, he’d watched the video a dozen times. Only the need to keep his phone battery alive stopped him from viewing it more.
He’d managed to secure a business-class seat on an earlier flight, but even with a comfortable seat and extended leg room he couldn’t relax. He took another swig of water from the bottle he’d grabbed in departure and flicked open the in-flight magazine. Ten seconds later it was back in the rack and he was drumming his fingers on the arm rest, willing the pilot to get on with it.
The woman next to him smiled. ‘We’ll be in the air soon.’
‘Hope so.’
She scanned his face. ‘Nervous?’
‘No. Just in a hurry to get home.’
She nodded and, to Patrick’s relief, went back to her papers. The only person he wanted to talk to was Tash.
He stared out the window. Where the hell was she anyway? His mum had phoned ten minutes before to say she’d dropped by the farm. Tash’s car was in the carport, Peter’s ute was in its bay and the other farm vehicles were where they should be.
‘Khan?’ Patrick had asked, feeling sick.
‘Rugged up in his paddock,’ said Annette. ‘She mustn’t be too far away though. There’s food all laid out on the bench.’
Which had only made Patrick feel even sicker. If it was the food from the video, then it’d been out for hours. He’d asked Annette to do a quick run around the paddocks, just to check. She’d yet to come back, and any moment Patrick would be asked to turn his phone to flight mode. If he didn’t hear in time, he’d go crazy.
The text came through just as the plane was backing away from the terminal. Tash was still nowhere to be found.
Patrick switched off his phone and leaned back with his eyes closed. He needed rest but there was too much fear churning inside, too many bad memories of that other time he’d been away from home when Maddy had gone missing only to be discovered hours later, broken.
Not Tash. Not bright, sweet, joyful Tash, the girl who made the world glow. Or did, before he screwed up.
Patrick accepted the coffee and muffin from the attendant. Breakfast had been forever ago and he needed something for energy. He ate and drank without tasting, his focus on the best way to make this right.
Tell Tash he loved her, that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her and her only. Explain it was his fault, that he should never have lied. Tell her she was beautiful, in every way. More beautiful than him or Ceci or anyone else could ever be, and then pray like fuck that it’d be enough.
That it might not be was terrifying.
The moment the plane landed and the seatbelt light went off, Patrick was out of his seat and snatching his backpack from the overhead locker. His phone beeped with incoming messages, telling him to check his voicemail. There were three, from his mum, Ceci and that little fucker Thom. All of them said the same—Tash couldn’t be found.
Patrick swore at the late peak-hour traffic report on the car radio. Ignoring his normal route via the ring road, he cut north and then west on the back roads, before rejoining the Western Freeway at Bacchus Marsh. Not the quickest route, but the city roads were jammed and he needed to keep moving.
As soon as he’d set the cruise control, Patrick rang Baz’s number but to his frustration it rang out. He tried his parents, and banged his palm against the wheel when the result was the same. Where the fuck was everyone? His anxiety was through the roof.
Forty-five kilometres on the rain started, and his fear shot moonward. He was nearing Lake Bolac when his phone finally rang.
‘Patty love,’ said his mum. ‘Now, I don’t want you to panic, but Tash has had a bit of an accident.’
An accident? He wanted to howl. ‘Please, Mum,’ he choked out, ‘not again.’
‘No! No, Patty, nothing like that. She’s fine. In hospital, but fine and safe. Broken ankle and a few cuts and scrapes, touch of exposure, but nothing major. Baz said they’re going to keep her in overnight.’
Annette didn’t know any other details. She’d only found out herself when Baz called looking for Patrick, and he’d been too distracted to reveal much more.
A broken ankle, cuts and scrapes … what had Tash been doing?
It was after 8 pm and belting rain when Patrick turned into the Emu Springs Memorial Hospital car park. He sprinted to the entrance and raced down the corridor to Emergency, head jerking left and right as he hunted for Tash. His mum had said she was in Emergency but likely to be moved to a ward.
Finally, Baz emerged from a room on the right.
Such was his relief, Patrick almost shouted. ‘Where is she?’
Baz jerked a finger to his lips and strode towards Patrick, grim-faced. There was steel in the older man’s eyes, and iron in the grip he put on Patrick’s elbow as he steered him back down the corridor and out into the main waiting area.
‘Where the hell have you been?’ Baz snapped. He was leaning forward like a man itching for a fight.
Patrick couldn’t give a shit. All he wanted was to see Tash. He stepped sideways to peer back down the corridor. ‘Which is her room? I need to see her.’
‘You can’t.’
Patrick’s head jerked around. ‘What?’
Baz eyed him up and down. ‘She’s sleeping, and I’m buggered if I’m going to let you disturb her.’
Patrick rubbed his head. ‘I have to talk to her, Baz.’
‘You can talk to her in the morning, when she’s rested.’
Like hell. This needed to be sorted now. Patrick tried another tack. ‘What has she told you?’
‘Not much, but I know my Floss and that’s one sad and hurt girl in there. And I’d bet my bottom dollar,’ Baz jabbed a finger at Patrick’s chest, ‘that you’re the cause.’
‘I am.’ There was no use saying otherwise. This was his fault. ‘But I’m going to fix it. I just need to talk to her.’
‘Tomorrow.’
‘No. You don’t understand—’
‘Enough. You’re the one who doesn’t understand. You have no idea the ordeal my little girl’s been through. She could have died tonight!’ At Patrick’s shocked expression, Baz nodded. ‘Yes. That bad. Just as well she’s a fighter.’
Died? Jesus Christ.
Patrick swallowed another rising wave of fear. ‘What happened?’
‘She was at the swamp. Log rolled, broke her ankle and trapped her there. Poor girl had to dig her way out, then crawl home in the pouring rain. By the time the ambulance got to her she was in a pretty bad way.’
Patrick closed his eyes. ‘I should have been here.’
‘Yeah. You should have.’ Baz’s tone softened fractionally. ‘Where were you anyway?’
‘I went to see Maddy.’
‘Maddy?’
Shame burning his cheeks, Patrick nodded. ‘I lied to Tash about it.’
For a long time, Baz simply stared at him with his hands on his hips, then his eyes rolled heavenward. ‘You idiot.’
‘Yeah, Baz, tell me something I don’t know.’
‘Right.’ He glanced up the corridor, frowning, and looked back at Patrick. ‘Well, you can sort it out in the morning.’ Then he drew close, eyes glittering with threat, all softness gone. ‘And you better unbreak my little girl’s heart or I’m going to break your head, you hear?’
Patrick sat close to Tash’s bed, studying her face and listening to her breathe. With her hands bandaged he couldn’t do much more. He couldn’t kiss her for fear of waking her, and there was an ugly abrasion over her nose and cheek that made him scared he’d hurt her if he tried. He’d done enough of that for one lifetime.
It was just past dawn and the hospital was still quiet. A bit of sweet-talking had allowed him to con his way past the duty nurse into Tash’s ward. There was another bed but Tash was the room’s only occupant. He wished he could curl up next to her so she could feel his loving warmth when she woke. Instead he sat quietly and watched while he formulated a million versions of sorry.
Finally, her eyelids fluttered open.
‘Hey,’ said Patrick, smiling.
For a wondrous moment Tash’s sweet mouth began to lift in a return smile, then the smile evaporated, taking her unique brand of brightness with it. Saying nothing, she rolled her head away and stared at the ceiling.
‘How are you feeling?’
The way Tash’s jaw flexed, Patrick wasn’t sure she was going to answer.
‘Fine. Tired. Is Pa here?’
‘Not yet. Just me.’
Her chin lifted slightly.
‘Tash, I’m sorry. This is all my fault. I should have told you what I was doing.’
That earned him a snort.
‘What Thom thought he saw …’ Patrick spread his hands over the waffle blanket. ‘He got it wrong.’
She closed her eyes and shook her head. This was all going to shit. He thought he’d had his speech sorted but seeing her, the way the affection had drained from her eyes at the sight of him, had done his head in and now he was struggling to find the words.
There was nothing else for it but to spill himself open and hope she wouldn’t turn away.
‘I love you, Tash. Have done for months. You’re the best thing in my life and I’m so scared of losing you right now.’
Patrick shut up at the crack in his voice and lowered his head to collect himself and breathe his way through his fear.
When he looked up a tear was trickling from Tash’s eye.
‘Oh, baby.’ He rose to circle his arms gently around her head and press his cheek to her hair. ‘Don’t cry, please don’t cry. I’ll make it better, I promise.’
Tash’s voice was so whispery he could barely hear it. ‘You lied to me.’
‘I know. But not to hurt you, never to hurt you.’ He lifted his head to make eye contact, desperate for her to see the honesty in his face, and was floored by the hurt in hers. ‘I needed to see Maddy.’
‘Why?’
‘I never broke off our engagement. I know it sounds stupid but I had to do it in person, for her. And for me. It was like this thing hanging over me. Every time I drove past Springbank I felt it. It was doing my head in.’
‘Because you still loved her.’ Her voice was heavy, resigned.
‘No. Not that. Don’t think that. I stopped loving her a long time ago. It’s you I love, not Maddy or anyone else. You. It was the engagement. I had to tell her it was over.’
‘Then why not just say you needed to see her?’
‘Because I was stupid, that’s why.’ He swallowed. ‘And scared.’
‘Of what?’
‘Of what you just said. That you’d think I still had feelings for her, but the truth is it was more than that. You’re this amazing, famous girl with the world at your feet and I’m a no-talent farmer going nowhere. People love you. You could do anything, go anywhere.’ He paused. ‘Have anyone.’
Tash made a weird half-laugh, half-sob noise and pressed a bandaged hand to her eyes, covering them. He waited for her to speak but she stayed quiet. The silence stretched until he couldn’t stand it any longer.
‘Tash, baby, talk to me. I need you to believe me when I say I didn’t do it to hurt you. I just had to do the right thing by Maddy. I had to put her in the past and free myself. For you.’
She dropped her hand to her chest, her gaze on the ceiling. ‘When I saw your ute out the front of Ceci’s …’ She shook her head and sniffed.
‘It was just a place to stay. I had an early flight. She offered a couch to crash on. Nothing more. She’s not my type, Tash. You are.’ He tried for a joke. ‘Should’ve taken my swag. That couch was bloody uncomfortable.’
It fell flat. That she still wasn’t looking at him made Patrick’s chest ache.
‘I know I have fans,’ she said. ‘I know I have a bit of celebrity, but I’m not … I’m not like Maddy or Ceci. I’m not beautiful like them.’
But she was. Tash was the most gorgeous girl in the world and if Patrick got himself out of this mess he was going to make sure she knew it, every single day. ‘Look at me?’
She swallowed but didn’t move.
‘Please?’
Finally, her eyes met his.
‘You are beautiful. Inside, outside, all over. What I feel for you, in here,’ he pointed to his chest, ‘it’s real. You’re beautiful and amazing and talented and precious, and all I want to do is love and protect you.’ He smiled. ‘Get married, have kids and grow old with you too, but we’ll talk about that later.’
Her eyes roamed his face. ‘Wow.’
Wow indeed. In all his wildest ‘sorry’ speech thoughts, even Patrick hadn’t imagined laying the marriage and kids bit on her, but he meant every word. At least she didn’t look terrified by the idea. If anything, she appeared sort of eager.
‘I suppose that means you’d like me to stay on permanently.’
He chuckled. ‘You bet I do.’
‘Good, because I didn’t really want to leave. I love it here.’ She bit her lip and regarded him with a shy smile. ‘I love you too.’
Patrick’s heart soared. ‘I guess that means you forgive me for being an idiot?’
‘I guess I do.’
‘Thank God. Baz threatened to break my head if I didn’t sort this out.’
‘Patrick?’
‘What?’
‘I don’t want to talk anymore.’
‘Sure, okay. You need rest.’
She rolled her eyes as he went to shift away. ‘You really are an idiot. I meant for you to kiss me.’
‘Oh, right.’ He reached for her, only to back off hastily when she hissed in a breath. ‘Sorry, sorry.’
She held up her bandaged hands and indicated her grazed and bruised face. ‘Be gentle with me? I’m a bit sore.’
‘Always, baby, always. I’m going to make it so you never hurt again. That’s a promise.’
Then Patrick lowered his lips to hers and used every trick he knew to kiss his way back into the heart of the most beautiful girl in the world.
From Tash’s smile when he lifted his head, it worked.