Ev and I walked deeper into the campground in complete silence. The path was narrow — barely wide enough for Frank’s four-wheeler, let alone the two of us side-by-side, but I didn’t let go of Ev’s hand and he didn’t ask me to.

I felt like this should be weirder than it was.

I'd more or less just held hands in front of Frank and Myrna — no, not more or less. That was exactly what I'd done — and the tale of it was one-hundred-percent making its way across O'Leary right now, growing with each re-telling. Sometime this weekend, my mother would hear that I'd been kneeling in the mud of Frank's driveway pledging my troth, and wouldn't that be a fun conversation to navigate?

But I hadn't considered that in the moment, and I really couldn't be bothered about it now. Ev was upset; I had the ability to take away some portion of that by making him feel less alone. And on a totally selfish level, I really liked the feeling of his smaller fingers laced with mine. It made my breathing come a little faster, both from the thrill of being close to him and… pure fear at how thrilled I was to be close to him. I didn't know if I'd ever held a man’s hand unless I was holding him down to fuck him or cuff him.

I studiously avoided looking at Ev, though I was dying to. I didn’t want him to be self-conscious about getting upset, and I didn’t want him to have to explain things to me unless he wanted to. But I was pretty sure I wanted him to, which was a new sensation.

Note to self: Google the definition of casual.

“So! Looks like the maple trees are starting to turn,” I remarked, my gaze darting around like I’d never seen fall foliage. I had literally no experience in pretending to be casual because I’d never had to play at it before.

Ev made a noise of agreement. “The, uh… the yellow ones are maple?” He bent down to pick up a leaf by the stem and squeezed my hand for balance as he stood back up, and still neither of us commented on our hands at all.

“No, those are sycamore. The red ones over there are sugar maple.”

Ev nodded and twirled the leaf between his fingers, seemingly fascinated.

“I’m super outdoorsy, as you can no doubt tell.”

“It was clear to me from the first time you called it orienteering, back in the diner. That’s pretty next-level,” I agreed, and he snorted.

Suddenly we were an awkward pair of teenagers who couldn’t talk about anything that mattered, but maybe that was okay.

“I’ll have you know, I was a Cub Scout,” he said.

“Me too! I was an Eagle Scout in the end. How far did you get? Wolf, tiger…”

“Ah, right. I was a, um… dragon?”

“That’s not a thing,” I said sadly, though I swear the sun shone hotter and brighter as I watched him smile mischievously. “Alas.”

“Maybe not for you.” He looked me up and down. “I mean, you weren’t an Advanced Scout.”

“Advanced!” I whistled. “I didn’t even know there was such a thing.”

“Well, first rule of Advanced Cub Scouts is…” Ev broke off. He gasped. “Damn. I’ve said too much.”

And I squeezed his hand a little tighter because goddamn, I could spend the whole day just listening to this guy.

The path forked four ways and I directed us to the one all the way on the right, which forked again a short distance later. We took the one that went uphill.

“This is it,” I said when we’d crested the rise. “This is the site where John Carpenter was staying.”

Ev frowned and shivered despite the warmth of the day, studying the clearing. Just like I’d done with my own house, I tried to imagine what he saw when he looked at it. Likely not ten years of scout campouts and teenage parties. Not a familiar little patch of well-trod ground.

“It’s really open,” he said, glancing at me, then at the blue sky visible beneath the thin branches above us. “But peaceful. A good place to think.” He stood in total silence letting the sun shine on his face and the breeze mess with his dark curls, so I stood there quietly too, memorizing the cut of his cheekbone and the tiny brown freckle in front of his ear.

He was so damn beautiful.

It was almost too much. My brain was buzzing, and I knew if the moment spun out any longer, something stupidly real would come spewing out of my mouth. I wasn't sure which of us would be more horrified if that happened.

But Ev pulled his hand away before I could ruin anything and tilted his head like he was listening for something. “D’you hear that?”

I frowned in concentration, but I couldn’t hear anything but the whoosh of the wind and the creak of the tree branches. “Nope.”

He shook his head. “Me neither, anymore. I would have sworn I heard bells. God. Add hallucinations to the list of symptoms that undiluted O’Leary might cause.”

“Undiluted O’Leary?” I repeated.

“Mmm. Like on those medicine commercials? Exposure to undiluted O’Leary may cause chills, Ebola, prickly heat, increased appetite for sweets, sudden interest in football, and… hallucinations.”

“Whoa. What the hell does it cure?”

Ev gave me a wry look. “I haven’t figured that out yet.” He sighed. “And this isn’t even the first time I’ve imagined something. I thought I saw a ghost the night of my accident.”

“What?” I hadn’t realized he believed in that kind of stuff. It was weird in the most adorable way.

“Yeah.” He grimaced. “When I said I saw a moose I actually, um… maybe… meant… a man?”

I frowned. “There was a man on the road?”

“No! No, that’s what I’m saying.” He shook his head. “It was a trick of the light or something, but it happened so fast, I’d already swerved to avoid it… him… whatever. After I crashed, I grabbed my flashlight and searched the road, but there was no one.” He grimaced. “Total. Hallucination.”

“God, Ev. That's… scary,” I decided.

“I know. I mean, in my own defense I was exhausted and a little hung over, but…”

“But you blame undiluted O’Leary.”

“It’s a hell of a drug,” he deadpanned. “You’re probably immune to it by now, but trust me.”

Something about the cement-block fire pit Frank had laid in the middle of the clearing caught his attention and he crouched down to look. “Hey! River rocks." He picked up a stone from a pile on one side of the pit. “Wonder how these got here.”

“No shortage of rocks in the woods, Ev.”

“Yeah, but these are smooth. See?” He held one out to me and I took it, startled by the warmth of the thing as it landed in my palm. He stood and took my hand in both of his, guiding my thumb to stroke the flat surface of the rock. It was one of the most erotic things anyone had done to me in thirty-eight years on this earth.

I needed to get laid. Jesus Christ.

I cleared my throat and closed my hand, trapping the stone.

“People collect them for good luck sometimes,” I said hoarsely. “There’s a river not far from here. Maybe half a mile east? We’ve even got ourselves a waterfall.”

His eyes lit. “No way! A big one?”

“It’s not Niagara, but yeah. Unfortunately, access is on the part of the property that’s going to the state.”

His mouth curled up in a rueful frown. “No wonder Frank and Myrna are upset.”

“Yeah. Sucks for them, but it’s good for visitors. And Frank and Myrna will still be able to hike there anytime they like.”

“But it won’t be theirs.” Ev shrugged, picking up another of the rocks and smoothing it under his thumb. “It’s not selfish to want something that’s yours, is it?”

It sounded like an honest question, so I answered it honestly. “There’s not a thing wrong with wanting that. But like I told Frank, you have to play with the hand you’re dealt. There’s no… I dunno, higher moral ground, or whatever… in staying angry all the time. Not everything in life has to be a struggle, Ev. Sometimes you can just let go.”

He sucked in a breath and stood abruptly. “Can we see the waterfall?”

“Uh. You want to? It’s a bit of an uphill climb.”

He shrugged and tossed his stone back to the ground. “I mean, I’m guessing we didn’t come out here just to poke around this empty site, right?”

I nodded. “I was gonna pick some flatter terrain, but the waterfall trail is great. Definitely one of the more likely places John Carpenter could have headed.” Then because I was maturing in reverse, I added, “Betcha the view beats anything you had back East.”

Ev smiled and crossed his arms over his chest. “Says who? You?”

I nodded solemnly. “I know things, Ev.”

“Absolutely,” he laughed. “You know every cylinder is just a penis in disguise.”

I rolled my eyes and assessed him, from his gym shoes to the light shirt he’d thrown over his t-shirt. His body was compact and spare; sexy as hell, but not helpful when you were walking uphill. “You sure you’re up for a challenge?”

Everett gave me the same look he’d given me the first time I’d met him, the one that dared me to insinuate again that he wasn’t up to a task. “I’m not incapable of hiking, Si.” He slapped his thigh. “Quads of steel.”

I wasn’t sure which part of this I liked more.

I grinned. “Alright then.” I hooked a thumb at the path we’d taken. “We’ve gotta head back down so we can head up.” Without thinking, I held out a hand for Ev and he took it.

“You said your brother liked to draw, right? Did he come out here?” Ev asked a few minutes later. “The light is just incredible.”

I hesitated for a second. I didn’t mind talking about Matty. I loved to. But everyone in town remembered him as a tragedy, a thing we talked around. I couldn’t remember the last time someone wanted to know anything about the person he’d been, or even said his name without expressing pity.

Ev likely mistook my silence for reluctance. “I’m sorry. Forget I asked. Gosh, these maple trees are really…”

“Matty painted out here all the damn time," I blurted. "He’d fill a backpack with art supplies and disappear for a whole day.” I glanced down to find Ev concentrating on the trees which to me seemed utterly unremarkable. They were pretty uniformly green, still. “Would you want to bring your stuff out here? I think Matty had a portable easel-thing, if you need one.”

His attention snapped to me and he frowned. “Thanks, but no. I told you before, I haven’t painted in a long while.”

“Sure, but if you wanted to do it again, you could.”

“Just that easy, huh?” he demanded, his eyes sparking with annoyance.

“Well, no, but…”

He waved a hand through the air, cutting me off. “No, I’m sorry. That’s not… I just haven’t felt inspired in a while,” he said.

“Oh.”

“It’s not something I know how to call back, and that’s frustrating. But I don’t really know if I want to, either? I think it’d be a little like, I dunno, blood coming back into your foot when you’ve been sitting on it too long.” He grimaced.

“Painful? Scary?”

“Little of both.” He blew out a breath and changed the subject with so little finesse it almost made me smile. “Seems like a peaceful place, a great place for solitude.”

“Maybe. But more often than not, Matty used to come up here with Molly Burke. They were thick as thieves. They, uh, died in the same car accident on their way back to school. Out on the Camden road, not too far from where you had your accident. Twelve years ago this month.”

"I'm sorry." He hesitated. "God, I really hate saying that."

"It's okay. Thanks. It was a long time ago. It gets easier."

“Do you ever feel like… I dunno.” Ev squeezed my hand tightly. I wasn’t sure he was aware he was doing it. “Like you need to be more because he can’t be here too?”

Wow. That wasn’t a thought I’d ever articulated before, but it settled over me comfortably.

“For myself, it’s gotten easier,” I said eventually. “I can have a shit day without feeling like an ungrateful bastard for not enjoying every extra minute I get on the planet. But it’s a little harder when I’m with my parents. Like, they don’t remember Matty as a person as much as a dream they had for the future. He was a total shit,” I said, grinning. “Used to draw naked caricatures of me with my hair up in this fabulous pompadour and sell them to kids in his class for a dollar.”

Ev laughed out loud. “Well you do have fabulous hair.”

“Thank you so much for noticing.”

He laughed again.

“I don’t think my parents remember that stuff, though, you know? They lost this smart, sensitive kid who was going to set the world on fire, and give them a daughter-in-law and grandkids to spoil. That’s the tragedy for them. And I mean, it’s not that it’s less sad to lose that than to lose your sidekick, it’s just not the same thing I lost.” My smile faded. “I can’t relate. And I can’t mitigate that loss for them, even if I wish I could. No daughters-in-law here. No kids.” I shrugged.

“Right, and they can’t relate to you losing your brother, either. Which is doubly hard for you.”

I frowned. “I guess that’s true. I hadn’t thought of it that way.” Which was pretty much the thing I thought most often when I was with Everett Maior. He made me think differently about so many things, and I liked it. “I mean, O’Leary lives to remember the tragedy.”

“But that’s not the same either. Your parents are grieving the future, and O’Leary’s remembering the past, but you just miss your brother. Right? You want to remember him as he was, and not the way they think of him.”

My heart squeezed painfully tight. “Yeah.”

Ev closed his eyes and sighed like he totally understood. We kept walking.

“Part of the problem is that his best friend died at the same time he did,” I said a moment later. “I mean, if there was anyone else who got him the way I did, it was Molly. I miss her too.”

“I can see that."

“You know, she used to work out here at the campground. Technically, she was supposed to handle summer bookings for Myrna and Frank, but I don’t know how much time she ever spent in the office.” I tried for a smile, but it felt foreign on my face. “She was a brilliant photographer. You can see some of her stuff over at Frank and Myrna’s place. She’d take a picture of something and I’d suddenly see it in a different way. Just like you were talking about with the kids at your school.”

Ev smiled. “I love that.”

“Yeah. It's funny. They were way younger than me. Eight years. Which is, like, a hundred lifetimes when you’re young.”

“How old are you?” Ev asked. “Thirty-eight?”

“Uh huh. Matty would have been thirty this year.” My chest tightened around the words.

“Well, remember I’m twenty-nine,” Ev teased. “Does that make me more than a hundred lifetimes younger than you?”

I hip-checked him lightly and he chuckled.

“And he drew?” Ev prompted carefully. “Caricatures and other things?”

I laughed. “Yeah. Yeah, he just…” I broke off and shook my head, feeling the smile fall from my face. “I’ve never been as good at anything as he was at drawing. Everyone said he had a gift, but I thought… I thought he was a gift. I walk through these woods and I see sugar maples, and squirrels, and chipmunks, but he saw light and life and color. He could make things dance in two dimensions.”

I chanced a glance at Ev, and found that his eyes were closed and he wore a small smile. “Sorry,” I said. “I get carried away.”

His eyes popped open, and they were shining. “Don’t be sorry. Don’t ever be sorry. I sometimes wish I could talk…" He shook his head. "Never mind. That was beautiful. I think anyone would be proud to be remembered that way.”

I cleared my throat. “Yeah, well. I try to see things the way he saw them now, but I don’t have the same talent. It’s a little bit like looking at one of those hidden-image pictures, you know? The ones where you try to look through the shapes and colors and hope something pops out at you in 3-D?”

Ev chuckled. “I know what you mean.”

“I have a fifty-fifty success rate.” I shrugged, then admitted, “It was easier when he was alive.” A lot of things were easier when Matty was alive.

Ev’s hand tightened on mine to the point of pain, but I didn’t protest. “You loved him. Both of them,” he said.

“Of course. My brother and my honorary sister.” I paused. “Not that they were involved romantically, though. People used to speculate — that’s O’Leary’s favorite pastime, if you hadn’t noticed — but there was nothing there. Molly dated Shane Goode from the diner forever. I bet she would’ve married him after college.”

Ev frowned and shook his head. “I don’t think I’ve met Shane.”

“He was at the diner this morning. Tall, thin, long dark hair, probably said hi when you came in? No? Well, he’s easy enough to overlook. He’s a good kid. Moody, sometimes, but I get it. He didn’t have anyone in his life but Molly, really. Now he goes to work every day and his manager is Molly’s older brother, Jamie.” I winced. “Not easy to live with those reminders constantly.”

“Yeah,” Ev said softly. “It’s not easy.”

The path through the woods was steep and covered with slippery pine needles. I gave Ev a little push, letting him go in front of me so I could catch him if he fell. But he surprised me by turning right in the middle of the path and looking at me defiantly.

“My husband Adrian died last June. I mean, a year ago June. Fifteen… no, sixteen months ago?” He frowned like he was surprised it had been that long. “I don’t… I don’t talk about it. But I thought you should know.”

My jaw dropped. He’d lost his husband? When Mitch said he’d heard Ev had a hell of a year I’d imagined… I dunno, a job loss or something. The kind of tragedy a twenty-nine-year-old should have to handle. Pretty dumb of me not to remember that life handed out shit regardless of age or station.

“Ev,” I said. “Fuck. That’s just…”

“Yeah,” he said softly. “Yeah it is.”

He turned around and started climbing again, and I trailed behind him. My brain was whirling, trying to reconnect the snippets of the Ev I’d thought I knew in light of this new information. I had so many questions, things I was dying to know, like what had made him pull away from me two weeks ago, and was he even remotely in the right place to consider falling for someone else?

But I wasn’t sure I had any right to ask those things, and it was pretty clear he wouldn’t answer them if I did.

I was still stunned at how much Everett had understood about me, though, and I thought… well, maybe I could offer the same to him. Even if I’d just been projecting all of my own hopeless attraction onto him, even if he only wanted to be friends.

Friends who held hands.

“You know, if you ever wanted to talk, I’d really like to hear…”

A branch cracked sharply to my left and I whirled to face the possible threat. A vaguely familiar blond figure about my height emerged from the dense scrub with his hands up.

“Just me,” the man said, voice low and calm, like I was a startled animal. “Sorry for disturbing you.”

My heart still racing madly, I nodded and tried to relax. “Yeah. No problem. My fault for not paying attention. Daniel Michaelson, right?”

The man nodded. He was dressed for hiking in a moisture-wicking t-shirt and nylon pants Dare would’ve approved, and I recognized the logo on the strap of his backpack as a high-end brand. He scratched the back of his head, clearly uncomfortable with my perusal.

“I’m Si,” I reminded him. “Si Sloane. And this is Everett Maior. He’s new to town.”

Ev offered his hand and Daniel shook it. “Same here,” Daniel said. “Maybe been here… seven months now?”

“So there’s more than one of us. Excellent. Nice to meet you,” Ev said.

“Were you just out hiking, or are you here for the search party?” I asked.

Daniel frowned. “Search party? Someone’s missing?”

“Same camper went missing a while back. Did you hear about that?”

“Yeah.” Daniel nodded and threaded his thumbs under the straps on his backpack. “Someone mentioned it. In town.”

I nodded slowly. “Well, we’re mostly looking to see if we can find any sign of where he might have disappeared or maybe even spot his gear.”

“I haven’t seen anything out of place, but I wasn’t really looking.” Daniel glanced back in the direction he’d come. “I was just at the overlook south of the falls and it was the same as ever.”

“Beautiful?” Ev said.

Daniel smiled, a small fragile thing on a man his size. “Always is. Nothing like a waterfall to clear things away, you know? Reminds you of your place in the universe.”

Ev smiled back, the way I’d only seen him smile at me — soft and real. I was unreasonably jealous about that. “I know that feeling,” Ev said. “I’ve gotten it at the beach before, when the waves are really whipping.”

Daniel’s grin widened. “Exactly like that. Like just before a storm. Wild and unstoppable.” His grin fell away as he glanced at me, and he went back to being nervous. “I can, ah, stick around? If you want help?”

“No,” I said quickly. “No. I think Dare Turner had a bunch of people interested. But thanks.”

“Sure.” Daniel nodded. “Nice to meet you, Ev. Si.” He gave a tiny wave and continued down the trail.

I found myself frowning after him.

“What’s that look for?” Ev said.

“Huh?”

“You’re scowling. He seemed like a nice guy.”

“I dunno. Seems a little odd to me,” I said, though I’d honestly never thought anything about Daniel Michaelson one way or another before Ev smiled at him. “Wandering around out here. Alone.”

Ev snorted. “Watch out. You sound like my grandfather. Or that Karen person,” he warned. “Which way to the falls?”

I pointed right and he moved off quickly, not waiting for or wanting my help.

I sighed as I watched him walk away, and tightened the straps of Ev’s backpack on my back as I followed him.

He could hardly get lost now. Within a minute, the hiss of rushing water filled the air, growing louder and louder with every step. The air was thick here, humid and chilly, thanks to the thick tree canopy and the kicked-up spray from the falls. In winter, the tree branches in this area got coated with ice and the whole damn place sparkled in the sunlight like something from a fairy tale. Today it wasn’t nearly that pretty but the sun was shining brilliantly, and I had an idea.

“Hold up,” I yelled. “Everett! Hold up!” When I grabbed his arm and turned him, his face was set mulishly.

“What?”

“This way,” I said, pointing off to the side just slightly, where there was no broken trail through the underbrush.

Ev hesitated. “Why aren’t we staying on a trail?”

“Because this is a secret spot,” I told him seriously. “And you have to pinkie swear never to reveal it to anyone.” Especially Daniel Michaelson, I thought but didn’t say.

His eyes narrowed. “Is this a trick? Come check out my van by the river, I have candy? And meanwhile, I get stuck in a giant vat of mud?”

I barked out a laugh. “Geez, you’re suspicious. Not a trick. Not Deliverance. Just a… a cool thing,” I said lamely.

His eyebrows lifted just a tiny bit. “A cool, secret thing.”

I inclined my head. “A place where Matt and I used to go when he was a kid. Our secret spot.”

He bit his lip and his eyes went soft. “Fine. Lead on.”

I reached for his hand and he let me take it, let me guide him over the slippery ferns and fallen leaves that formed the forest floor. The rush of water became overwhelming as we got closer to the source. And then suddenly, the trees around us were just… gone, and we were standing on rocky outcropping forty feet above the river, just a few feet away from the most dramatic part of the falls.

“Holy shit,” Ev breathed, as he came up beside me. “This is…”

“Cool?”

He laughed, his green eyes shining up at me. “Yeah,” he agreed. “Definitely cool. This is a great secret spot.”

The sunlight refracted off the millions of tiny water droplets that hovered in the air and clung to Ev’s hair and eyelashes, making them shimmer like diamonds. Everything around us seemed impossibly clean and new. Ev’s fingers twitched in mine.

We stared at the water for long minutes. I found it soothing, hypnotic almost, the white noise and utter power of the falls making my brain fall quiet. But I wished I knew what Ev saw. I wished I could see it the way he did.

“I don’t even know how I would paint this,” he whispered, like he could hear my thoughts. His voice was hushed, broken. “But I kinda want to try.” He looked up at me, like he’d shocked himself. “I do want to try.”

I nodded. “That’s good. Someday, if you want, we can…”

“No, Si. You don’t get it.” He pulled me away from the edge of the world, back into the safety of the trees, and grinned up at me. His smile was a feral thing, wild as this place, and nothing I’d ever seen or imagined on Everett Maior before. “I haven’t felt this way since… God, long before Adrian died. And when I saw this, my fingers itched for a brush and… I don't know. It's not painful at all. It's fucking amazing.”

“Oh.” I grinned back at him. I couldn’t have resisted that smile even if I wanted to. “That’s great, Ev. That’s…”

Ev kissed me with the force of a heavyweight boxer, a sucker punch that literally sent me reeling into a giant oak tree.

“Wait,” I said, lifting a hand to my bruised lip and another to his shoulder. “Ev, what…”

But Ev didn’t seem to want to talk… or think, or breathe, or any of those mundane things. He lifted both hands to my cheeks, stood on his tiptoes, and dragged my face down to his. “Just kiss me, Silas,” he breathed. His eyes were alive with excitement and more than a little pleading.

I wasn’t sure what alternate universe I’d entered, that Ev was begging me to do the thing I’d been trying to stop myself from doing since the minute I’d met him, but I didn’t hesitate. I wrapped a hand through the back of his damp curls and hauled him more firmly against me.