Chapter Seventeen
The next morning, Clark was already awake when Anna opened her eyes. He stared at the ceiling.
“Are you okay?” Anna asked, placing her hand on his cheek.
“Jake is pissed I set up that job interview.”
“Um,” she mumbled. Her eyes were closed, and a small smile tugged at the corner of her lips.
“Why are you smiling?”
“Because you can’t help yourself. You can’t stop meddling.”
“I was helping.”
Anna opened her eyes and looked into his. “Sometimes it can be the same thing.”
“What is he going to accomplish by sitting in his apartment being depressed?”
“That’s not the point,” Anna answered.
“What is the point?” He was becoming more frustrated by the second. No one seemed to understand he was only trying to make things better for the people he loved. He was trying to be a responsible man that others looked to as a good advisor, a solid, reliable person.
“Jake may be in a wheelchair, but he’s still a man who wants to make his own decisions.”
“You think I don’t know he’s a man?”
Anna pulled the sheet up to cover her breasts and scooted to the edge of the bed. She sat up and leaned against the headboard. “I think you always think your solutions are best, and while they might look that way to you, they don’t look that way to other people.”
“I would never steer him wrong.”
“I know that. So does Jake. But he wants to be the captain of his own ship.”
Clark looked up at the ceiling. “That job was exactly what he needed.”
“That’s for him to decide.”
…
Clark wasn’t getting it, and Anna was getting frustrated. With Louie at his dad’s, she’d hoped for a little morning session. Since he’d already ruined the mood, she decided to tell him about George dropping the custody motion. “I talked to George yesterday when I dropped off Louie. He’s dropping the custody motion.”
“You think he’s serious?”
“I do,” she answered. “I appreciate all you’ve done for us, but I can’t risk losing Louie. If it goes to court, we might win, but then again, we might not. I have to take the sure bet. Calling off the private detective gives me better odds.”
“George is a better bet?”
He voiced her deepest anxieties. She had no real reason to trust George and every reason in the world to trust Clark, but her fear of her ex-husband was so strong, and her trust issues rushed to the surface. “I don’t know. The thought of leaving the decision up to Judge Rafferty scares me to death. He’s so prejudiced against me he might side with George regardless of what he told you.”
Clark propped his hands behind his head and stared at the ceiling fan.
“You have no feelings at all for me? Tell me the truth.”
Anna tried to look away, but Clark put his hand on the back of her neck and forced her to look into his eyes. “This isn’t the time, Clark, and even if it were, we agreed it would be platonic. That our marriage was nothing more than a way to keep my son.”
“We’re about a hundred and eighty degrees from platonic, and judging from the way you came, not once but twice, you were totally into it.”
“I don’t want to talk about this. Not now. I don’t want to ruin what little time we have left. You’re a nice person, and I’ve loved the time we’ve had together, but we both knew going in that it wasn’t a permanent arrangement.”
“Can’t we change that?”
She wanted to say yes, tell Clark how she felt about him and see what they could do to make their marriage real, but she couldn’t. She’d lived on the edge too long. Fear and worry had been her constant companions. She needed some time on her own. George had saved her from her parents, and Clark had saved her and Louie from George.
And no matter how wonderful the past few months had been, she was still the same Anna.
Anna needed to save herself for once. “I’m sorry, Clark.”
…
A nice person? What the fuck?
“Nice is the best you can do? Next you’ll be telling me we can still be friends.”
Anna’s eyes burned with emotion. “I thought it was a compliment.”
“Not after last night. Nice is helping an old lady cross the street. Nice is holding the door open for someone. Nice is not dressing up in that outfit, making love to me, and then pretending like it doesn’t matter.” His emotions, a mixture of anger and heartbreak, warred inside him. He wanted to punch a wall. But more, he wanted to take Anna into his arms and tell her his truest feelings. Again. But that would be the wrong thing to do. For both of them.
You don’t deserve her. Or Louie.
“You’re a wonderful, generous person. Is that better?”
“No. Not at all. As a matter of fact, it’s even worse.” He’d lost steam, but it still hurt and he couldn’t give up the fight.
“I’m not looking for long term. You knew that going in.”
“Things change. People fall…” He stopped himself.
“I haven’t changed, Clark.”
“No matter what you may feel for me, you’re not going to let this be anything more than a fling?” He didn’t know why, but it felt better to put the blame on her.
“I don’t feel anything for you,” she said. She looked everywhere but at him.
“That’s a lie, and we both know it.”
After putting on the robe and cinching it tightly at the waist, Anna said, “I’m sorry, Clark. I really am.” She walked out and closed the door.
What the fuck have I been thinking?
He’d been foolish to believe Anna was his chance at happiness. She had a way of making him feel like he was enough. That he didn’t have to make everything right all the time. When he was with her, sometimes he forgot the guilt, forgot the black cloud he’d been living under since the accident. Anna was like a drug.
It wasn’t emotion. It was sex. Pure and simple. The bedroom action had taken his mind off his guilt. It was a distraction that kept him from worrying about Jake all the time. Since Anna and Louie had moved into the cabin, he’d spent very little time with Jake.
Not only was he a fool, but he was also a shitty friend.
Anna was right. A relationship between the two of them wasn’t what he needed.
He needed to finish out the term of this fake marriage and focus on making things right with Jake.
He’d fixed Anna’s problem. Now he needed to fix his best friend’s.
…
Anna was a liar.
She did have feelings for Clark. Feelings so strong there weren’t words to describe them. Passion. Respect. Admiration. Heat. All mixed together until her whole body felt like a hundred and twenty pounds of raw emotion.
Anna sank onto her bed and tugged her robe more tightly around her.
Hurting Clark had never been in the plan. Even if he was meddlesome and a wee bit controlling, he’d done nothing but good things for her and her son. He’d saved Louie from George, given them a nice place to live. Rescued Chewy from the animal shelter. Loved her son.
The months in the cabin had been the happiest of Anna’s life.
And as soon as she could pack their things, it would all be over.
How will I feel when I don’t see Clark on a daily basis? How cold will my bed on Florida Street be?
She’d get over it. Anna had already faced a lot of really hard things in her life. This was just one more bump in the road. In just a few days, she and Louie would be back in their cozy rental house. Back on a normal schedule. Anna’s job was to raise her son. She didn’t have the luxury of falling in love. Trusting another man with her heart or Louie’s heart. Especially a man who didn’t always tell her everything.
Someday, when Louie was an adult, she’d have time. Time to go to nursing school. Time to fall in love. It wasn’t that long. Only ten years. Ten long, miserable, cold years. Could she go without affection, sex for that long?
Clark had opened some secret door deep inside her, turned her into an oversexed fool. She had itches that were going to need scratching. Why couldn’t their relationship just be hot sex? Purely physical?
Because it wasn’t. In the few months she’d been living with him, she’d begun to have feelings for Clark. Deep ones that almost made her believe in love again.
No way was she falling into that trap again. Not with him. Not only was love bullshit, plain and utter misery, but she also couldn’t stand the idea of Clark always controlling things behind her back and convincing himself he was doing the best thing for her. So far, it had worked in her favor, but if she did stay with him, eventually the tide would turn and there would be a situation that wouldn’t work to her advantage.
She had to stand on her own two feet, build the confidence to change her life. She had to show Louie she could do it.
She was sticking to the original plan. Paying her own bills and raising her son.
Love was a complication she didn’t need.
Anna fell back onto the mattress and stared at the lazy circle of the ceiling fan.