C H A P T E R N I N E
Adam
I wake to the feel of pressure on my chest that I can’t place. As I slowly open my eyes, I am met with Sophie’s bright green ones. Her chin is resting on her hand with her broken arm lying beside my head, lying on my chest just watching me.
“Good Morning, sweet pea.”
“Good Morning!” she chirps.
This little girl has slowly become the center of my universe, along with her mother.
“What can I do for you this morning? Does your Mommy know where you are?” I ask her.
“Mommy is still sleeping. I don’t get to see you anymore, and I miss you,” she pouts.
That face! I swear every child perfects that face at birth. You know the face that can get them whatever they want when they want. That is the way Sophie is looking at me right now, and it breaks my heart.
“I‘ve missed you too, Soph, but I have to make sure the other boys and girls are okay. I help make their owies go away,” I say as I snuggle her into my chest.
“I know, but…” she trails off.
I gently lift her chin, so she is looking into my eyes.
“What is it, sweet pea? You can tell me whatever is bothering you,” I tell her.
“When you aren’t here, I’m scared that something will happen to me and Mommy. What will happen if Daddy comes back? You have to be here to protect us,” she says quietly.
Tears begin to trickle down her tiny face. I hate him for what he has done to them. A four-year-old girl’s biggest worry should be what Disney Princess she wants to be for Halloween, not whether her Dad is going to come back and hurt her or her mother.
I tighten my hold on her and sit up, so my back is resting against my headboard before saying, “Sweet pea, nothing will happen to you or your Mommy. I will always be here to protect you! No matter what. I love you, Sophie.”
She leans back, looking up at me in shock.
“You do? Really? You love me, Mr. Adam?”
“Of course, I do! What is not to love? You are the most beautiful little girl in the world. I am lucky to know both you and your Mommy,” I reassure her.
She launches herself onto my chest, wrapping her arms around my neck in a tight squeeze.
“I love you too, Mr. Adam, so much!”
Sophie
Mr. Adam loves me. I’m awesome and have been a really good girl. Now I know he would want to be my Daddy! I just need to ask him. I love getting snuggles from Mr. Adam. He smells different than Mommy, where Mommy smells like cookies, Mr. Adam smells like… I don’t really know, but I like it!
“How about some breakfast, sweet pea?” he asks.
My tummy answers with a grumble and we both laugh. Mr. Adam snuggles me into his chest before we both get out of the bed and head down to the kitchen.
As we enter the kitchen, he asks, “So what’s on the menu for this morning? Pancakes?”
“I can just have cereal. It’s okay.”
I don’t like lying to Mr. Adam, but I don’t want mommy to wake up and be mad because the kitchen is dirty. She loves when things are clean and shiny.
“Come on, sweet pea! Your Mommy never lets me cook anything anymore, and I really love to make pancakes. We can even do it together, what do you say?” He whines at me.
“Mr. Adam, Mommy says we shouldn’t whine. It’s not polite. Please use your big boy voice.” I try to sound like Mommy, but he just laughs.
“Okay, Soph. I’m sorry. And your Mommy is right, you should always use your big girl voice. People will listen to you more when you are speaking in a big girl voice,” he says with a smile. “Now, why can’t we make pancakes?”
“Mommy likes to have a clean kitchen. She said that you, umm what was the word? Oh, now I remember, live like a dirty slob, and she can’t stand it. So, if you promise to clean up so Mommy won’t be sad when she wakes up, I would really love to make pancakes with you!”
Mr. Adam mumbles something under his breath.
“Hey! You should speak so everyone can hear you! That’s not nice,” I tell him, hands on my hips like Mommy does.
I give him my serious face like Mommy gives me when she is angry. I can tell he knows I mean business because he puts me down and kneels in front of me.
“I’m so sorry Sophie. It won’t happen again. Do you forgive me?” he asks me.
He is trying to give me the sad eyes. Does he not know that I have that look down to a science? It doesn’t work on me, mister. I pat his cheek like Mommy does to make me feel better.
“I forgive you, Mr. Adam. Just don’t do it again,” I say before giving him a sloppy kiss.
He reaches over and starts to tickle me, I can’t help but giggle.
“Hey! You said you love me, it’s time to stop with this Mr. Adam stuff. How about you just call me Adam?”
“You have to ask Mommy first. She says that I have to call adults either Mr. or Mrs. It is a sign of re..re…re..” I hate when I cannot think of the grown-up words that Mommy tells me sometimes.
“Respect. Mommy is right, but it is alright to call me Adam if you want, but I will ask Mommy. I do not want you to get in trouble.”
I really want to call him Daddy, but I just can’t say it. I have to make sure I am really good when I ask. All of a sudden, I hear Mommy scream my name. She sounds really scared. Mr. Adam picks me up, and we run up the stairs to see what’s wrong.
“It’s okay, she was with me in the kitchen. We were going to make pancakes for breakfast. She’s okay,” he says to Mommy.
Mommy reaches her arms out, and Mr. Adam hands me to her.
“Sophie, how many times have I told you that you can’t leave the bed without me? Why didn’t you wake me up?” She asks, sounding angry.
“Mommy, I went to see Adam, I missed him so much. Am I in trouble? Mommy, don’t be mad, please!”
Mommy sits down and lets out a big breath.
“I’m not mad at you, but you scared me, you can’t just leave the bedroom while I’m asleep. Then I wake up and don’t know where you are or if you’re hurt.”
Adam reaches down to wipe the tears from Mommy’s face.
“I’m sorry Isabel, it was my fault. She was lying on my chest, and I didn’t want to wake you. We wanted to do something nice for you and make you breakfast for a change. I didn’t think you would wake up in a panic. I’m sorry.”
Mommy looks angry, but she said she wasn’t mad.
“Dr. Patterson, you are not to take my daughter anywhere without my permission.”
Why is Mommy trying to hurt his feelings? Adam looks like he is going to cry. Mommy, please don’t take him away! I want him to be my daddy.
“I said I’m sorry. It won’t happen again, please, let’s talk about this.”
“There’s nothing to talk about. Please leave so we can get ready for the day. I will be down in a minute to make breakfast,” she says before turning away from him.
No, Mommy! Don’t send him away! What am I going to do? I need him to be my Daddy.
“NOOOOOO! You promised not to leave me, Adam! Please don’t go!” I can’t catch my breath. I can’t stop crying. I don’t understand why Mommy is being so mean.
“Sweet pea, I am only going to go downstairs. I am not leaving you, I promise.” Adam says, but he is lying. Mommy is mad, and Adam would never do anything to hurt her feelings, so he is going to leave.
“Yes, you are! Mommy, why are you being so mean! We only wanted to be nice and take care of you. He protects us, and he said he loved me, Mommy. He loves me! He will protect us if Daddy comes back to get us. Why are you sending him away? Why are you being so mean?”
I'm screaming at Mommy now, I know I shouldn’t, but I am so angry. I love Adam, and I don’t want him to leave. She is going to ruin everything, and then I won’t have a Daddy at all!
“Adam, can you please leave Sophie and me alone, so we can talk? Why don’t you go downstairs and make those pancakes that you mentioned?”
Adam doesn’t say anything, he just nods his head and walks out the door. Mommy looks down at me, she is crying again.
“Sophie, I promise that Adam is NOT leaving either of us.”
Isabel
Where did that come from?
Sophie is normally such a calm and agreeable child, but now she is furious with me. She must really care for Adam to be so adamant about him being around. I wish that Jason cared for her as much as Adam does, well, as much as he cares for both of us. I know he cares, he shows me daily, but I honestly can’t help but be afraid.
Sophie is my miracle baby, once I got pregnant, the beatings stopped, thankfully. However, not long after they started up again. I have been able to protect her from the beatings, except for this most recent event, but the yelling has always been saved for her. My poor baby has never known the love of her father, so the way she has latched on to Adam makes sense, but I still have to protect her. She is too young to understand that people use you. That everyone is not who they say they are. I will not let Adam hurt her, it is my job to protect her. I will not fail again.
After hearing Adam close the door quietly, I look down at Sophie’s tear-streaked face. I sigh, how do you explain how the world works to a four-year-old?
“Sophie, I know Dr. Patterson says he loves you, but people don’t always mean what they say, baby. He might love you now, but he may change his mind.”
“So, you won’t love me forever?”
Damn, I should have known that was coming.
“Of course, I am your Mommy! I will love you to the ends of the earth and back.”
Sophie looks at me with a quizzical look in her eyes. I don’t think she understands, so I try to explain again.
“Adam is helping us right now. He wants to make sure that Daddy can’t come back and hurt us, but eventually, we will have to leave. Adam won’t be able to come with us. We may not see him much when we aren’t living here with him.”
Sophie is obviously getting angry again, but I can’t think of another way to explain it to her.
“Mommy, Adam said that he would always be there for BOTH of us.”
“I know, baby. I am sure that he means that right now, but once we are not living here anymore, he may change his mind.”
Sophie gets a very strange look in her eye before she looks up and smiles at me. “Okay, Mommy.”
Hoping that she actually does understand, I put her down and climb out of bed.
“It’s time to get ready for the day. Let’s get dressed and then see what Dr. Patterson has made us for breakfast!”
I try to show enthusiasm, but I have no desire to go downstairs and face Adam. How can I tell Sophie to distance herself from him, when I can’t bear to be away from him myself?
Adam
After a very awkward breakfast, I look at the time and see that if I don’t hurry, I am going to be late for work.
“I need to get ready for work. I have a light day of patients, so hopefully, I will be home in time for dinner.”
Sophie’s eyes light up as she asks, “Will you be home in time to read me a story?”
“Don’t bother Dr. Patterson, baby. I’ll read you a story. We have the new one we got from Target the other day.” Isabel cuts in before I can answer.
“Okay, Mommy.” I watch Sophie’s face fall as she answers.
All I can do is nod before heading upstairs to shower.
What the hell just happened? She came to me last night, opened up to me and now she is shutting me out again. Back to square one.
I walk into the master bath, rip my shirt over my head, and turn the hot water on full blast hoping it will help me clear my head.
NO! It is not ending like this.
With my mind made up, I stomp back downstairs to the kitchen.
Isabel is standing in front of the sink, probably doing the dishes from breakfast. I march right up to her, spin her around, grab her head in my hands and kiss all my frustrations out on her.
Her skin heats beneath my hands. Her mouth wars with mine as her hands are pushing and pulling on mine, begging for release, I pull away from her lips, breathing hard.
“I think that sums this up,” I said before turning away to head back upstairs.
It’s time to get in the shower, or I’m going to be late for work.