I HAVE CARRIED A lot of guilt and blame around with me for years, but this is as much as I can possibly handle. I should have fought my parents when they forced me to give up Ever. I should have fought my parents when they forced me to leave Connecticut. I should have fought my fears when I decided to cut AJ out of my life at eighteen. I should have begged him to come with me earlier this year when I was fighting for parental rights. I should have told him to put his seatbelt on last week. It’s all me. Every single thing that has gone wrong is because of me. Yet, he doesn’t look at me that way. He understands everything. I don’t deserve him.

Never having to sit in a waiting room as long as I have this past week, I have stared at one particularly small hole in the wall every day. Right now, though, I feel like I have gained the ability to stare through the hole completely. This hole is the only way to avoid the sickening look on the faces of AJ’s parents and Hunter. Gavin is playing with a book on the seat beside me, and Ever is playing a game on my phone. I can’t help wondering about the worst case scenario. I wasted so much time of AJ’s life not being there, not being together with him like we were always supposed to be. I thought I always knew best, or my parents knew best, and I went with my first thoughts, never second guessing much.

I wanted to set him free after I destroyed his life, taking away his daughter without so much as asking him how he felt. That was my biggest regret, along with not putting his name down as the biological father. It was the worst thing I have done, and I still haven’t apologized for it properly.

Going through the trouble of putting the information together to prove AJ’s biological connection was worth every second of time and effort. It was my only way to apologize for stealing the last thirteen years.

“Stop blaming yourself,” Hunter says, breaking my stare from the wall.

“I—I’m not,” I lie.

“Are you forgetting I’ve known you since you were fifteen?” he asks.

I force a half smile. “I know. Can’t help it.”

He lifts Gavin up and places him down on his lap so he can sit beside me. “I threatened the hell out of him. He’s coming out of this surgery, Cam. He has no choice.”

I feel myself slowly breaking down inside, but I can’t cry in front of every person who loves him as much as I do. Everyone is trying to be strong, and I have to be strong too. It’s just that I have more guilt than they all do.

“Do you know how many times AJ told me he was going to go find you in D.C.?” Hunter says.

“Really?”

“God, it was probably once a month for the first two years after you cut things off. He was convinced if you saw him, you’d change your mind.”

“Did you stop him?” I ask.

Hunter laughs. “Yeah, after his tenth trip to D.C. and coming home empty handed.”

“He came after me?”

Hunter turns his body toward me. “Cameron, AJ has loved you since you two were sixteen. He must have been twenty-five by the time we were able to go a week without hearing your name at least once. Usually it was a story or a memory. I let him air himself out, feeling sorry for him, but at the same time understanding why you did what you did.”

“I don’t even understand why I did what I did,” I tell him, feeling ashamed. “My parents were overbearing and they got into my head more than I should have allowed them to.”

“You were a pretty smart eighteen-year-old. You wanted AJ to go his own way, and you wanted to go your way, preventing any risk of either one of you giving up a future you deserved. You weren’t both going to go in the direction you wanted, only one direction would have been chosen, and that wouldn’t have been fair to one of you.”

What he’s saying makes sense but I’m not sure my train of thought was so in-depth when I was a freshman in college. It was along those lines, but he makes it sound far more thought out than I made it seem at the time. “I don’t know if I was thinking that clearly,” I tell him.

“You know what you proved, though? You did something Ellie and I were too scared to do. I won’t ever say we made a mistake by following each other into circles that kept us in a bubble until she died, but that’s essentially what we did.”

“It didn’t diminish your relationship,” I tell him. “You two could never be separated.”

“Maybe, but you and AJ, though, you went to the schools you wanted to go to, then life brought you back together. Something bigger than yourselves brought you here.”

Here. To a moment in my life where we’re all wondering if AJ is coming out of this surgery. And if he does, will he come out of it without lasting damage?

I shrug. “I can see it your way, but I regret wasting so much time in between. That’s all.”

“Look, I love my brother more than anything, but he would have screwed things up with you if you had gotten together at a younger age. AJ had a rough transition into adulthood. I mean, the guy has been through two failed marriages.” I know Tori wasn’t his fault, but I don’t know much about Alexa—his first wife. I’m guessing there’s a good reason for that too. “He had to learn the hard way. A lot of us have to learn the hard way. But when you learn things through error, you figure out what is important and what you absolutely need in your life, and that has always been you. He won’t screw things up with you, I can promise you that.”

“You don’t have to promise me,” I tell him. He may not have the chance to screw things up with me. “Hunter, I’m scared I won’t get to tell him all the things I should have told him.”

“I already told you, he has no choice. He’s coming—”

His doctor is walking through a set of metal doors, and my heart falls into the pit of my stomach. Hunter and I stand up first, walking toward him, feeling AJ’s parents on our heels. “Is he okay?” I ask, my words hardly understandable.

“He did great,” the doctor said. “I gotta say. That’s one tough guy you got there. To stay awake during that kind of procedure is not an easy thing to do.”

“Is he out of danger now?” Hunter asks.

“We did a thorough check for any further trouble areas, and it looks like we have everything cauterized. Thankfully, there appears to be no permanent damage, so once we get him back on his feet, I’m confident he’ll make a full recovery.”

I place my hand over my heart, feeling it pound against the inside of my chest. Hunter puts his arm around me and he squeezes, putting more weight on me than I think he realizes. He has his hand over his eyes and his body is shuddering against my side. I take Gavin from his arms, and AJ’s parents pull Hunter in, both hugging him.

I hold my gaze on the doctor, feeling the heaviness in my chest lighten up. “Thank you, Doctor.”

“He’s lucky,” he tells me. “He’s going to need to take it easy for a while, but other than some light physical therapy, we’re going to be in good shape.”

“Okay,” I tell him.

The doctor places his hand on my shoulder and offers a gentle smile. “Please don’t hesitate to call me with any questions,” he says, handing me his card.

“When can we see him?” I ask.

“A nurse will come out to get you when he’s settled in recovery,” he says.

The doctor retreats back through the metal doors, leaving us all staring at his disappearing shadow. At the same moment, the sun pours into the waiting room, which seems symbolic for the occasion.

I turn to Hunter and AJ’s parents. “I’m not sure how much AJ has told you, but Ever and I are moving back to Connecticut. I think AJ and I are going to move in together and take things slowly from there.”

AJ’s mom reaches out for me, removing one arm from around Hunter. “I can’t tell you how happy this makes me,” she says.

“I think it’s going to be a great thing,” I reply.

“You know,” AJ’s dad says. “I’ve got this buddy in real estate and he was just telling me about this house that went up for sale last week. It needs a little work, but that obviously won’t be an issue with the three of us carpenters.” AJ’s dad is beaming with the thought. “Oddly enough, AJ and Hunter were supposed to start work on it this week for the realtor.”

“Are there lots of trees in the back yard?” I ask, appeasing the little dream we’ve had, the one I soothed AJ with before his surgery—one we used to talk about all of the time when we were young.

“Uh, I’m not too sure about that but I know there are at least a few large oaks back there. Did you want a clear yard?”

“No,” I tell him. “Not at all.”

“I think you’ll really like it. You know, AJ sold his house in less than a week last month, so I think you should act quickly on this. You two can discuss it when he’s up for it, and I can help you with what needs to happen.”

I had no idea AJ sold his house. He didn’t mention it. “Where has he been living?”

“Oh, I didn’t realize you two hadn’t talked about it,” AJ’s dad says.

“He and Gavin were staying with me. We’ve been giving him a hand with Gavin,” Hunter says. “He didn’t want to tell you until he figured out his next move. He was waiting on the hearing; I know that much.”

“Wow,” I say through a heavy breath. “We talked almost every day.”

“He didn’t want to add stress to your plate,” Hunter says. “Don’t blame him for that. I can tell you it was all out of love, Cameron.”

“I would never question that,” I tell him, feeling more relief set in.

“Looks like all of your pieces are falling into place,” his Mom says.

It takes a little over an hour before a nurse comes back to get us. Gavin is wound up and going through his hyper hour of the day so we’re taking turns visiting with AJ. I insist that Hunter and his parents go in first this time. “Mom, are we really moving back to Connecticut?” Ever asks.

“Yes, is that okay with you?” I ask her.

“Yeah,” she smiles. “What about school?”

I look down at my watch for the date, noting that school must be starting in less than three weeks now, being that it’s the beginning of August. “We’ll enroll you in the high school—my old high school. There will be lots of new kids there for freshman year, and it will be the perfect transition for you.”

She looks a bit nervous, as I would be, but I know this is what’s best for her. “We'll go back-to-school shopping, and you can pick out whatever you would like. How does that sound?”

“You would have always been a really great mom, you know,” she tells me, instead of answering my question.

“Maybe, maybe not, but I’ve learned that this was always meant to be my life.” I sit down next to Ever and kiss her cheek. “And this little guy. After spending so much time with him this week, I don’t know if I could imagine not having him in my life too.” I kiss Gavin’s head and squeeze him as he wriggles out of my arms.

“It is kind of cool that I have a brother,” Ever says.

Hunter and his parents come back out, all three with large smiles on their face. “Looks like the surgery added an extra hop to his humor. Good luck with him,” Hunter says.

I laugh a bit, wondering what they mean, but AJ has always been a clown. The clown in him has just been buried under a lot of darkness from this past year. It’s time for happiness and a new start now.

I take Gavin by the hand and swing my arm around Ever as we make our way down the hall and into AJ’s room. His head is bandaged up but he’s awake and pretty alert considering what he’s been through. His face lights up instantly when I smile at him. “You’re going to be okay, I hear.”

“I heard I’m perfect,” AJ says. “I also heard I’m a little hard-headed.”

“I think I can attest to that,” I say through laughter.

“AJ, I’m so sorry for all of this,” I tell him.

He looks a bit confused at my apology. “What are you talking about?”

“I was driving the car,” I say with a shrug.

“Yeah, and I didn’t have my seatbelt on. Plus, that truck swerved and hit us, remember?”

I nod a bit. “I know. I feel like I should be apologizing for a lot more than just the accident, though.”

“Stop, Cam,” he says. “Don’t. You have nothing to be sorry for. If I’ve learned anything, it’s that everything happens for a reason—to teach us a lesson or make us appreciate something we didn’t appreciate before.”

I place Gavin down on the bed. “You have to be gentle with Daddy, little buddy, okay?”

Gavin, with his dark head of hair and AJ’s matching vibrant blue eyes, nestles under AJ’s arm and immediately closes his eyes. His feet curl up and he tries to pull the sheet over himself too. Gavin hasn’t slept much in the past week. I know he’s had a hard time being away from AJ, which has made me love AJ just a little more. He’s had such an impact on this little boy, and for someone who refused to ever have another child after what we went through with Ever, he’s turned into a father any kid would want to have.

“Can we go home now?” AJ asks through a grin. “You brought my clothes right? No one will see us leave. But, um, I’m going to drive, if you don’t mind?”

“You’re out of your mind,” I tell him through laughter.

“I was. I think they took my brain out for a few minutes. That was funky.”

“When you get out of here, in a few days hopefully, we’re going back to Connecticut, and we’re buying a house, just like we talked about.”

“Only if there’s a tree and a swing,” he tells me.

“I know,” I say, smiling. “I’ll take care of it, and you, and these two kiddos.”

“If I didn’t have a bandaged head with a hole going into my brain right now, I’d say I’m the luckiest man in the world. But even with the bandage and hole, I have to be at least the second luckiest man in the world.”

“Only you would be smiling and laughing just hours after brain surgery.” I lean over and kiss him gently on his lips.

His arm lifts with a slight struggle and he places it heavily on my back, pulling me in a little more. “Keep kissing me.”

“I won’t ever stop doing that,” I tell him.

“Ever?” he asks.

“I think that may be how we ended up with Ever,” I whisper into his mouth.