Sara ~ Nine and a half years later
“MOMMY!” VICTORIA BARRELED into my legs, wrapping her arms around my thighs in a death grip.
“Hey, baby.” I bent to kiss her forehead and rub her back. Bolting out of our apartment in a white-hot rage wasn’t a smart or responsible thing to do when you had a little girl watching your every move—especially lately. The poor kid clammed up whenever she tried to speak to me for fear of setting me off since I was always this close to losing it. I raced to her father’s apartment too infuriated to think.
I promised her before she was born she’d always get the best of me. Since her father stumbled into our lives, I’d only shown her the worst.
“Hey, cookie. Everything . . . work out?” Mrs. Lillo, our neighbor who became the only thing close to a family member we had over the years, studied me with a wary stare. I’d been awful to Josh and his girlfriend, Brianna, all the while making my daughter suffer solely for enjoying their company.
All those years ago, I’d made the decision not to find my daughter’s father but he ended up finding us. One look at Victoria six months ago was all the confirmation he needed to know she was his. Those haunting emerald eyes they shared gave their connection away in an instant. I should have been relieved. Josh turned out to be a great father, and Brianna adored Victoria as if she were her own.
I hated it—and reveled in showing exactly how much.
“Yeah, fine.” I darted my eyes to Victoria and back to Mrs. L. She nodded in reply, understanding I couldn’t get into it with little ears listening.
I cupped Victoria’s cheek and forced a smile through my exhaustion. “You can put on the new Wonder Woman pajamas we bought the other day and slip in a DVD. I’ll be in in a bit after I talk to Mrs. L. Give her a kiss goodnight and thank her for watching you.”
“But you said I couldn’t put those on until Saturday. Extra wash, remember?”
I nodded and pressed a kiss to her forehead. “It’s a special day. Go on.”
She went over to Mrs. Lillo, burying her face in the plumpness of her hip. Mrs. L was the poster woman for grandmothers. She had a nurturing voice with a chubby frame that enveloped you in the best hugs.
“You never have to thank me for watching you. You’re a sweetheart and I love it.” She kissed Victoria’s cheek before my daughter raced down our tiny hallway to her room.
“You’re pretty calm. I’m hoping that means you talked it out and there’ll be no talk of lawyers and such.” She raised a brow as she slid into one of my cracked dining room chairs and took a sip of her tea.
Being served custody papers was my worst nightmare realized, and to hold them in my hand this afternoon made my blood run ice-cold in my veins. But deep down, I didn’t blame Josh at all. I’d made things so difficult for all of us, but my tantrum after Brianna took Victoria to the mall and bought her a toy was the straw that broke everyone’s back. He only wanted to be a part of her life, and even I was disgusted with my behavior the day I yanked her out of their apartment. My poor girl cried for hours thinking I was angry with her. She deserved better than a mother too bogged down in her own insecurities to realize how much she was hurting her own kid. Josh had every right to make a legal play for his child after how I’d acted all these months.
“We did. He threw the papers in the garbage, so custody of Victoria isn’t an issue. He can see his daughter whenever he wants. They both can.” I grabbed a mug from the cabinet and drained what was left in the tea kettle.
“I have to say, I’m impressed by Josh.” Her brow raised as she took another sip. “He really stepped it up. Not many men would find out they had a child and run toward her instead of away from her faster than hell in the other direction.”
At first, I didn’t trust Josh or Brianna. I figured they’d hang around until the novelty wore off and pull away, hurting her as my parents had hurt me. Then—to my horror—they became a permanent fixture in our lives. Josh embraced his newfound fatherhood and . . . just wouldn’t go the hell away. He wanted to make up for all the time he missed—the time I took away from him by not searching for him all those years ago. I knew his last name and had an idea of where his army base was. Finding him wouldn’t have been difficult—had I tried. But I hardly knew him and had no clue what his reaction would have been.
“Very true,” I agreed. “I give him credit. He really loves her, you know.” The offer he made me echoed in my ears the entire bus ride home. Despite the shit I’d given him, I trusted him. She loved him instantly right back, and the rift I fought so hard to put between them was cruel, plain and simple. I realized that now with painful clarity. Shame scratched at my throat as I forced down a gulp of tea. My eyes drifted across my table, lingering on the enrollment forms for Champlain College stacked on top of my third past-due notice for my electric bill. I almost cracked up at the irony.
“I ended up telling him about Champlain. He offered to take Victoria for a year so I could finish up my credits and get my degree.”
Mrs. Lillo dropped the mug onto the table and let out a gasp. “That’s wonderful!”
I grunted around the rim of my mug. I applied for the paid internship on a whim, thinking I could take Victoria with me. I’d even found a nice elementary school not too far from the college. For the days and nights I had to work, I hoped I could find some sort of child care, but that dream was flushed down the toilet as soon as I found out she couldn’t live in on-campus housing with me. I still couldn’t bring myself to throw the forms out, even though I knew my answer had to be no.
“I even agreed for a second, but I can’t.”
“Why can’t you?” She glowered at me. “You just said Josh was a good father, and you know he’d take good care of Victoria. It’s only temporary, not forever.”
“She’s my everything. How can I leave her, even for a year? It would be selfish.” I waved her off with my hand as I stared into space across the table.
She scooted her chair toward mine and peeled my hand away from the mug’s handle. “It’s not that you wouldn’t see or speak to her for a solid year. Charlie does that face box thing with the grandkids every Sunday so I can see their faces.”
“FaceTime?” I quirked an eyebrow as I held in a laugh.
“Yeah whatever, and there are holidays you’ll have off. It’s a long drive upstate but it’s not across the country.” She draped her hand over mine. “Sara, honey, I love you. Like you were my own. I’ve seen you struggle. You’re stubborn, a little bit of a loner, and not all that friendly sometimes.”
“You are getting to a sort of compliment, right?” We shared a laugh before she swatted my arm.
“I’ve watched you skip meals to be able to afford presents for Victoria. Nod off mid-sentence because you worked for almost twenty-four hours straight. You’ve worked yourself to the bone trying to support that little girl. The one thing I’d never call you in a million years is selfish.”
I threw my head back in laughter. “The way I acted all this time. I’ve been an animal, for Christ’s sake. That’s not selfish?”
“No, sweetheart,” she whispered as she squeezed my shoulder. “That’s being human. Could you have handled it better? Maybe. You would cut your arm off before you’d hurt Victoria intentionally. But, you need to learn how to accept help. This is a great way to start.”
“I have an interview tomorrow. For my new second job. Pays less than the first.” I shook my head, warding off the stinging behind my eyelids. “I’m so delinquent in rent, it would take four jobs to catch up.”
“How long do you think you can keep going around and around in the same endless cycle? You may not get this opportunity again. If you want to really take care of your daughter, sacrifice a year of both your lives.” Her gray eyes bore into mine. “To not take Josh up on this, to barely keep your head above water until the one day comes when you drown for the sake of your own pride. That, my darling—that is selfish.”
“Mommy, I was waiting for you. If you’re not still mad, can you come watch the movie with me?” Victoria’s voice was small as she climbed into my lap. I cinched my arms around her and buried my head into her neck.
“I was never mad at you. I love you more than anything in the world.” My voice cracked as I kissed the top of her head. “I’ll be right in.” A smile lifted her cheeks as she hopped off my lap and headed back into her room.
I let out a long sigh as I grabbed my phone and punched out a text to Josh.
Me: Did you mean it when you said Victoria could live with you?
In three seconds, the message reply bubble popped up showing someone typing. What scared me more? That maybe he changed his mind or that he didn’t?
Josh: Absolutely. It’s the least I can do. Did you contact the school?
My head fell back in the chair as I prayed I was doing the right thing.
Me: No, but I will tomorrow. Thank you.
Josh: My pleasure, Sara. We’d love to have her.
“Well?” Mrs. L pressed, tapping her finger on the table.
“I’ll do it. For her.”
Mrs. Lillo’s mouth split in a wide grin. “No. You’ll do it for both of you.”