Chapter Seventeen
The new building had promise. Walking down the empty hallways and through the large classrooms, she could see the potential hidden beneath years of neglect and cobwebs.
“So, what do you think?”
Spinning in a slow circle, Hannah imagined the space filled with laughing children and said, “I love it.”
“Good.” Crystal grinned as she pushed away from the doorway. “Me, too.”
The two friends had run into each other at Starbucks that morning, Hannah making up an excuse about being in town visiting her parents. She hadn’t the strength yet to admit how very wrong she’d been about Deacon.
“Still wish you could join us,” Crystal said, sliding her arm through Hannah’s. She tugged her out the door and toward the main office. “Don’t think I won’t be calling you from time to time, asking for your advice or suggestions.”
“Please do,” Hannah replied with a small smile. “I’d love to help any way that I can.”
She really would. This space was going to mean a great deal to Willow Creek, and it was thrilling to know so many kids would be empowered like she’d been with the arts. But as happy as she was for the town, as Hannah walked the building and listened to Crystal’s plans for each room, she realized this wasn’t where she was meant to be, even without the possibility of Blue. Her heart simply wasn’t in it.
Technically, her heart was in a rowdy tour bus hundreds of miles away, currently headed in her direction. Last night on the phone, Sherry had made a point of reminding her of the free throw championship and concert coming up that weekend. As if she’d forgotten.
“You all right, sugar?” Crystal glanced at her with a worried line between her eyes. “I don’t mean to pry, but you’ve been real quiet all morning. I’m used to you singing and humming and dancing around. Not that a girl can’t have an off day—heaven knows, I live for the weekend when I throw on yoga pants and veg. But you seem a little sad. I hope you know you can tell me anything. I’ve always considered us friends.”
Hannah squeezed Crystal’s hand in appreciation and lowered her head to her shoulder.
“Me, too,” she murmured, drawing in a deep breath.
On the one hand, it was easier to hold it in and pretend she was fine. Once misery got a foothold, Hannah worried she’d be curled in the fetal position in the middle of the school. But she’d learned a lot about trusting people over the last couple months, and how good it felt to share her feelings.
She bit her lip. “It’s just…being here? I don’t know, I guess in a way it proves how much I really have changed,” she confessed. “This school used to be my dream job, but now, it fits a dream I no longer have.”
“Sweetheart, I know that.” Crystal led her into the main office and then turned to face her. Hannah ducked her head, shielding her eyes. “I hope you don’t think I brought you here to sway your decision.”
“No,” she assured her. “I didn’t think that.”
“Good, because I really am happy for you. You deserve good things more than anyone else I know.” When Hannah just sniffled and nodded in response, Crystal shifted her weight. “Forgive me for pushing again, sugar, but I can’t help thinking there’s more that you’re not telling me.”
She finally lifted her tear-glazed eyes, and her friend grabbed her hand in concern.
“As it turns out, my new dream doesn’t want me, either,” she sobbed.
“Oh, Hannah…”
In the next breath, Hannah was wrapped in a fierce hug, and she buried her head in Crystal’s shoulder. But even with the welcome comfort, she refused to let the tears fall. She couldn’t. Once they started, they’d never end.
Crystal took a deep breath and held it, but she didn’t say anything else. After a moment, Hannah raised her head and took in her friend’s conflicted expression. She forced a smile she didn’t feel.
“It goes both ways, you know,” she said with a sigh. “You can tell me anything, too. Even things I don’t want to hear. I’m a big girl, I can take it.”
The indecision in Crystal’s eyes firmed, and she released the breath she’d been holding.
“It’s not very Christian to say…but I never did much like that Krista.”
Hannah’s jaw dropped.
She’d been prepared for hearing she’d aimed her stars too high, or even a reminder of just how far apart her and Deacon’s worlds truly were. But hearing the sweet, kind-hearted, church-going woman say, well, that, had Hannah laughing for the first time in over a week.
Glancing around the vacant building, she admitted, “I didn’t much like her, either.”
Crystal giggled, and the amused sound of their joined laughter bounced off the tiles, filling the empty spaces of the room. Hannah covered her mouth with her hand.
Man, it felt good to laugh.
“Truth is, she was a horrible friend,” she confessed. “I can’t believe I put up with it for as long as I did. I guess I was just so starved for acceptance…” Sighing, Hannah stared at the rim of her Vanilla latte. “Of course, by the time I decided I’d had enough, Krista already had her claws in Deacon. I had to find a way to live with her. I couldn’t risk losing him, too.”
Crystal snorted. “Yeah, like that would’ve ever happened.”
She scrunched her nose at her friend’s flippant response, and Crystal shook her head. “Girl, anyone who paid a lick of attention to the three of you back then knew the score,” she said. “Why else do you think Krista was so jealous?”
Hannah sputter-coughed on her drink. “Jealous!”
Dabbing at her now stained white cotton tee, she widened her eyes, wondering how on earth Crystal had gotten things so backwards. Seriously, had she visited a yearbook recently?
“Jealous of what, exactly? My alluring stutter, or envious way with the male species?” She rolled her eyes, then snapped her fingers. “Oh, I got it! My off-trend, bargain-based, Pollyanna fashion sense. Now that was truly impressive.”
Hannah blew a raspberry to soften her sarcasm—and deflate her pity-party of one—and set her drink on the counter. Making a face, she pushed up onto the receptionist’s desk and sighed. Her spiel had left a sour taste in her mouth.
Growing up, she’d been all-too-aware of her social shortcomings, but she’d never once let those perceived flaws define her. At least not publicly. She’d left that to her tormentors.
Instead, she’d woken up each day with a smile on her face, figuring if she couldn’t be a great beauty, or a smooth conversationalist, or a world-class flirt, then she’d be the best friend, daughter, and student she could be. She’d always tried her best to stay positive.
Today was an all-new low.
As if she could read her thoughts, Crystal hopped up beside her and said, “Krista saw in you what the rest of us did. At least those of us who bothered to pay attention.” Her eyes were warm and intense, as if she could will Hannah to believe her. “She was jealous of your kindness, sweetheart. Your patience and unique way of looking at the world. You’ve always radiated optimism and joy, despite not having the easiest start.”
Then she grinned. “It didn’t help that Deacon always eyed you like a caveman starving for steak.”
Hannah snickered. “I think that soy latte went to your head,” she replied, kicking out her foot.
“I’m serious! That boy was completely crazy about you. We all knew it. Heck, anyone with a pair of eyes saw how gone he was, and from the pictures I saw posted from the Opry bash, he still looks at you that same way.” Crystal hooked her foot around Hannah’s swinging appendage and repeated, “Starving for steak.”
Hannah smiled at the imagery, but she fought it, too. The possibility was dangerous, to both her heart and her psyche…but hope swelled anyway.
In many ways, she was a polar opposite of the girl she’d once been. Her makeover and parts of her plan had given Hannah confidence to reach for things she otherwise wouldn’t have. But in other ways, she was the same off-beat goof she’d been at fifteen. Her friends and family still meant everything to her. She was still loyal and honest. She still made up silly songs about nonsensical things.
And her heart still belonged to Deacon.
When she’d returned from Paris, she’d vowed to start confronting things that scared her. Well, nothing scared her more than the fear of losing Deacon and Max. As she sat there, swinging her foot beside Crystal, she realized that was exactly what she’d do if she simply limped away without fighting for what she wanted.
Operation Find My Happy had been a success. She’d made great friendships, gone after what she wanted, lived life, and even made love with Deacon. But she’d failed at the most vital level. She’d never really put herself out there—at least not in the way she’d swore she’d do.
Not once had she told Deacon that she wanted to be with him, and not the band. Hell, she hadn’t even told him that she loved him. She’d let her actions do the talking, to a man who grew up believing he was worthless. How dense could she be?
Why wouldn’t he believe she was settling? She’d given him no reason to think she wanted to be Blue’s nanny. How was he to know that by staying on tour, and staying with him, that she was finally following her heart?
Hannah raised her head and met Crystal’s knowing smirk. “Looks like I’ve got a caveman to catch.”