After
It happened on the walk back to Bugle Hall. I was soaked by then, the pretense of the cagoule having entirely collapsed, and my hair was plastered to my face, yesterday’s hairspray stinging my eyes. I was bent down retying my shoelaces – caked in mud now, and tangled – when I heard footsteps. I looked up just as he reached me. He held out his hand.
‘What are you doing here?’ I asked. ‘I thought you had an early flight.’ A very small part of me thought that I might now be starring in a romantic comedy, one in which the hero decides not to catch the plane home and come get the heroine instead.
Ethan shrugged and pulled me to my feet. ‘Delayed,’ he said. ‘The fog.’
‘Of course. The fog.’
We blinked at each other.
‘Is everyone up now?’ I asked.
‘No, it was quiet when I left. I’m pretty sure everyone’s still sleeping off their hangovers. What time did you leave last night? I didn’t see you go.’
‘I left around eleven.’ I’d invented an excuse about a headache, and slipped out the back. I’d walked the mile back to Bugle Hall in the dark, my fingertips brushing the hedgerows so I wouldn’t get lost. ‘What about you?’ I asked.
‘About one, I think. I rode back with Chris and Madison,’ he said.
My eyebrows shot up. ‘Chris went home with Madison last night?’
He laughed at my shocked expression. ‘Yep. He spun her around the dance floor a couple of times, and the next thing I knew they were making out in the corner like a couple of teenagers.’
‘I thought she only had eyes for you,’ I said.
‘Nah, she just wanted some professional advice,’ he said with a wry smile. ‘I spent an hour and a half talking to her about three-dimensional imaging.’
‘Huh,’ I said, unable to keep the grin off my face. I thought back to the night before when I’d spotted the two of them deep in conversation and assumed they were declaring their deep mutual lust for each other. Turns out they were just declaring their deep mutual nerdiness.
We blinked at each other again.
‘I sold the company,’ he said finally. ‘The deal will go through in the next couple of weeks.’
‘Oh!’ I couldn’t hide my surprise. ‘What made you decide?’
‘Your dad,’ he said. ‘Seeing him in that hospital room made me realize how little time we’ve got – all of us. We can’t afford to waste it on things that don’t make us happy, you know?’
I nodded. ‘I know exactly what you mean. So what will you do now?’
‘That depends, I guess.’
‘On what?’ I asked.
‘On you.’ He paused and my breath caught in my throat like a tiny, trapped bird. ‘Look, I’m not going to sugar-coat this. When I read that letter, it blew a hole in my heart that I’ve spent years trying to patch up, and what you told me last night was the emotional equivalent of pouring iodine into the wound.’
‘Fuck,’ I muttered quietly.
‘I was fucking pissed off when you left, and I was pissed off last night when I found out why – what you did with that douchebag you used to work with.’
‘I know,’ I said, ‘and I’m so –’
‘I’m not finished!’
I raised my hands. ‘Sorry, sorry!’
‘The thing is, I never really forgave you for leaving me like that. You just sent some mysterious letter and then disappeared without a trace. Do you know how that felt?’ I was silent. I suspected I knew how it had made him feel, but that didn’t mean I wanted to hear it, however much I deserved it. ‘I spent years making myself into someone who would never feel that sort of hurt again. I got successful. I got rich. I got all the things I thought I could ever want. And you know what happened?’ He stopped and looked at me. His breath was coming out in foggy little puffs and I could see his ribcage quickly rising and falling from underneath his thin, damp T-shirt. I wondered if he was cold, and the thought made me sad.
‘You got laid a lot?’
‘Well, yeah,’ he said with a little shrug, ‘but it didn’t make me happy. Nothing seemed to make me happy – the money or the fancy apartment or the awards or the women – none of it. The work made me forget about it for a little while, but over the past couple of years, when all I’ve been doing is worrying about stock valuations, I’ve just felt . . . empty. The point is, I’d been chucking all this – all this stuff into this massive hole and the only time I felt like it could be filled was when I saw you sitting there in the airport. There you were, jet-lagged and fidgety and frankly not smelling all that great after the plane ride, but suddenly I didn’t feel so fucking empty anymore. I tried to deny it at first, but I did a pretty shitty job – Charlie called me on it when were at that castle and I had to come up with some bullshit lie because I wasn’t ready to admit it to anyone, not even myself. How do you tell the world that the only person you can possibly seem to love is the person who hurt you the worst?’
‘All I can say is I’m sorry,’ I said quietly. ‘I’m so, so sorry.’
He shook his head. ‘No more apologies. Like I said, there isn’t enough time. Because here’s the thing: the more time I spent with you, the more I realized I wasn’t angry anymore. Even after what you told me last night, I tried to feel angry about it – I spent all fucking night trying to be angry with you, trying to make myself hate you. But I couldn’t do it.’
I could feel a smile nudging at the corners of my mouth. ‘You couldn’t?’
‘No,’ he said, stepping towards me. ‘What happened between us, it was a lifetime ago. I’ve spent ten years trying to forget about you, and here you are in front of me again. I’d be a fool if I let you go again. In a way, I’m glad what happened between us happened. It was horrible, obviously, but it sort of shaped me, you know?’
‘I do,’ I said.
He lifted a hand and cupped my chin, and my heart stalled and swelled. ‘The thing is, the only thing that can fill the giant hole you blew in my heart is you. And I don’t want to waste another second of our life together. If you’ll have me, that is,’ he added with a nervous laugh.
I’m pretty sure I was crying at this point, though it was hard to tell with the rain. In any case, he reached up and brushed my cheeks. ‘Are you sure?’ I asked. ‘Even after everything?’
‘Especially after everything,’ he said. ‘I should have fought for you back then. I knew you were unhappy in New York, I could tell something wasn’t right. As soon as I got your letter, I should have got on the first bus down there.’
‘I did something horrible,’ I said. ‘I definitely wasn’t worth fighting for.’
He slipped his hands around my waist with the ease of a pair of favorite jeans. ‘You’ve always been worth fighting for,’ he said. ‘Take it from someone who’s been trying to fight against you for ten years. It’s much easier to fight on your side.’ And with that, he leaned down and kissed me, and this time I knew I was crying because I could taste the salt in our mouths.
We walked back hand in hand, stopping only to kiss and giggle like the kids we used to be. The rain kept on falling, heavier now, and our shoes slid in the mud, but neither of us took any notice. It was just him and me now, like it had been before. Only different. Better.
‘So what next?’ he asked as we neared the house. ‘I’ve got nothing but time on my hands now. I could head back to New York with you, or . . .’
‘Actually,’ I said with a smile, ‘I’ve got something else planned. You up for a little adventure?’
He swooped down and lifted me off the ground. ‘More than I can say.’
To: Bill Bailey
Sent: 19 July 2015 12:28
From: Ethan Bailey
Subject: Home
Dad,
There’s a flight out of Heathrow to Edinburgh tomorrow – a car will pick you up tomorrow morning at around 10 a.m. Pack a bag and your passport – whatever you’ll need for a couple of weeks. (Actually, maybe ask Jasmine to do it, to be on the safe side. Knowing you, you’d only pack a box of crackers and a spare pair of underwear.) We can get the rest of the stuff sent over later (including the cat).
We’re going home. All of us. I sold up, and Ruby and I . . . well, you’ll see for yourself tomorrow. It’s good. I’m happy.
Go pack. Don’t think about it, just do it. There’s no time to waste – too much has been wasted already, not least by your jackass son. So come on, let’s go.
E