Now
Piper, dazzling in Marchesa, smiled as everyone scurried around her. We took turns handing her flutes of champagne and retouching her lip gloss and gently pushing stray pins into the tower of blonde curls that crowned her head. All of us were itchy and slightly clammy after an hour in the chiffon monstrosities Piper had chosen for us (chartreuse was decidedly not my color) and our artfully made-up faces were starting to slide. Occasionally, a caterer or registrar or well-wisher would poke their head around the door, and Piper would hide herself in the bathroom. The rest of us would collectively beam at them while silently hoping that they had smuggled in food. None of us had eaten all day, and I was starting to worry one of us was going to end up on YouTube as one of those bridesmaids who faints at the altar and takes the bride out with her.
When we’d driven through the gates and entered the main hall of Bamburgh Castle, Taylor had frozen. ‘It’s just like Disney World,’ she’d said, mouth slightly ajar. There was something unreal about the size and scope of the place: the towering stone walls, the vaulted ceilings, the endless acres of wood paneling. I knew that it had been built nearly a millennium ago, stone by stone laid by the hands of benighted peasants, but it was still hard to think of it as a real place and not something conjured up in a fairy tale.
Now we were all locked away in a spare turret somewhere, away from prying eyes. I suspected we weren’t the first women to be in confinement in the castle. Pregnancy, childbirth, contagion, madness – there had always been reasons to lock women away in remote places. This time, it was so the beauty of the bride wasn’t diminished before she could be revealed to her new husband waiting for her at the top of the aisle. Until that moment, Piper had to be swaddled and protected and guarded like a secret. A secret who was currently a little bit tipsy.
‘Do you want more champagne?’ Madison asked, tilting the bottle in Piper’s direction.
‘Ooh, yes please!’ I was pleased to see that some of her sadness had been rubbed away and she looked like she was actually enjoying herself. I knew that the wedding wasn’t turning out how she – or any of us – had planned, but I was happy that she was happy. It was her wedding day, after all, and Piper had been dreaming about it since she was little.
There was a knock on the door and Piper let out a little scream. ‘Wait, I have to hide!’ she cried. I wanted to point out that technically she wasn’t required to hide from everyone – this wasn’t a fancy game of hide-and-seek – but she had already locked herself in the bathroom again.
I opened the door to find Candace standing there, wearing a hot-pink bandage dress and teetering precariously on platform heels. Her make-up was immaculate and her hair had been curled into cascading blonde waves. From the top of her head sprouted a plumed fascinator, the feathers arcing over her face and tickling her shoulders. She looked like an exotic, overblown orchid. I marveled at the strength it must have taken her to pull on that dress and stick those feathers in her hair. Here she was, at the wedding of her (not always easy) stepdaughter, in a castle, in a foreign country, with her husband laid up in a hospital bed across town, and yet she had still managed to paint her nails better than I could ever manage. I was filled with a sense of sudden, overwhelming admiration for this woman who had, sneakily and over the course of nearly twenty years, become my surrogate mother. I reached out and took her hand. ‘You look amazing,’ I said, and was glad to see her smile in return.
‘So do you, baby girl,’ she said, and I felt buoyed even though I was pretty sure she was lying. ‘Can I speak with your sister alone?’ she said, stepping into the room.
‘Who is it?’ Piper peered around the bathroom door. ‘Oh, it’s you.’
‘Oh, Piper,’ Candace said, ‘you look so – so –’ To everyone’s horror, a tear fell from her eye, and then another.
‘Your make-up!’ we chorused, swooping around her with tissues. ‘Don’t cry! Don’t cry!’ we cried, but as much as Candace tried to get herself back under control, she had lost it. Her face crumbled like a snowbank during an avalanche, and all we could do was watch.
Piper walked across the room and placed an arm around her. ‘Come on, I’ve got tons of make-up in here,’ she said, leading her to the bathroom. ‘I’ll get you cleaned up in no time. Just don’t get anything on my dress.’
We heard the door shut behind them and then the sound of murmured voices and the occasional stuttering post-sob breath. I didn’t want to eavesdrop (well, I did, but knew I shouldn’t) so I walked to the window and peered out to see if I could see the guests arriving. Instead, I saw a large white van pull up to the entrance, and Ethan get out of the front. Vic’s car must have broken down, I thought, and I was having a little smile to myself at the idea of the great Ethan Bailey turning up to a wedding in a beat-up old van, when I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned to find Madison in front of me, holding out a granola bar.
‘I found it in the bottom of my bag,’ she said. ‘Do you want to split it? We’d better eat it quick before Piper gets back and starts yelling at us about crumbs.’ She split it down the middle and handed me half. ‘Are you okay?’ she asked between chews. ‘I know this must be rough on all of you guys, with your dad and everything . . .’
‘I’m doing okay,’ I said. ‘Thanks though. And thanks for being so good to Piper. I know it means a lot to her to have you guys here.’
‘Please,’ she said, ‘I wouldn’t miss this for the world. Piper’s actually my first friend to get married – isn’t that crazy?’
‘Totally crazy.’ I couldn’t even remember the first friend’s wedding I’d been to – I felt like I’d spent the past decade trekking to various four-star hotels and country clubs and refurbished farmhouses and getaway resorts and wildflower fields and parental backyards around the country, toasting with mid-priced champagne, admiring letterpress placeholders and dancing barefoot to Van Morrison with a bunch of slightly-too-handsy uncles.
‘Well, let me know if there’s anything I can do,’ she said.
‘You got me a granola bar. That’s basically life-saving at this point.’
‘Don’t forget to hide the evidence!’
The bathroom door opened and Candace emerged, fully restored, smiling a heartbreaker of a smile. Piper followed, dress still immaculate and now wearing a tiny silver tiara on top of her curls. ‘Candace gave it to me,’ she explained, and from the look on her face I could tell that something had shifted between them, or rather opened up.
‘It’s gorgeous,’ I said, and we gathered around her and began cooing and clucking over it like a roost of hens.
She reached out and grabbed my hand. ‘Candace is going to walk me down the aisle,’ she said. ‘Is that okay with you?’
I glanced past her towards Candace, who was now eyeing me nervously. ‘Of course it’s okay!’ I said. ‘Why wouldn’t it be?’
‘I don’t know . . . you’re my big sister, and you’ve sort of been like – weird, I can’t believe I’m going to say this – sort of like a mother to me, but so has Candace, really, and with Dad not here . . . I just don’t want to hurt your feelings.’
Candace stepped forward, hesitant. ‘I would never want to cross any lines with you girls,’ she said, ‘and I know I can never replace your mother, but you’re like daughters to me, and I would be honored.’
‘I think it’s perfect that you’re going to walk her down the aisle,’ I said decisively. ‘And I love you both, but if you don’t cut it out with this stuff, I’m going to completely lose my shit!’ I wiped the tears that were threatening to destroy my liquid eyeliner, and pulled them in for a hug.
There was a knock on the door, and a nervous-looking waiter appeared. ‘I’m sorry to interrupt, but the ceremony is supposed to start now, so . . .’
‘Fuck!’
The room exploded in a frenzy of nervous energy. Feet were slipped neatly into heels, stray wisps of hair were tucked and sprayed, lipstick was retouched, last inches of champagne were swilled. We descended the precariously narrow stairs and gathered in the foyer, where the string quartet was awaiting its cue. I glanced into the great hall and saw necks craning anxiously in their seats. Charlie was standing at the front, sweating gently, face jaundiced, knees absurdly knobbly in the kilt he had insisted on wearing. Bob was standing next to him, face a bit less pale and knees even knobblier, and standing between them was Ethan, the knobbliness of whose knees were hidden in a pair of neatly pressed trousers. All three of them looked as if they were about to pass out from nerves.
‘Are you ready?’ I whispered.
Taylor and Madison’s heads bobbed in unison, their bouquets clutched in front of them like tiny, fragrant shields. Candace was swaying slightly on her platforms, but was otherwise rigid, her expression a mixture of happiness and pure terror. Piper was flushed with the excitement of a born performer about to take her natural place on centre stage. She pulled her mouth into a perfect bridal smile – elated yet demure, it must have taken her weeks of practice in the mirror – and gave me a quick nod. ‘Good luck!’ I whispered. I took a deep breath and signaled the quartet to begin before taking my first measured step down the aisle.
It was odd, I thought as Ave Maria was teased out behind me, to be walking down an aisle towards Ethan without any possibility of becoming his wife. I suspected the irony wasn’t lost on him, either. He caught my eye as I was halfway down and I could have sworn I saw the flicker of something – the ghost of a feeling long forgotten, like the phantom pains amputees are meant to feel in their lost leg – cross his face before disappearing. I was acutely aware of keeping my own face in check, and my jaw started to ache from the strain.
It was when I reached the altar that I saw him. There, sitting in a wheelchair in the front row, was my father. He had a blanket draped around him, but I could see that he was wearing his tuxedo underneath, and he grinned and gave me a wink. Chris was on one side of him, and on the other was a woman in nursing whites who was watching his vital signs on a small heart monitor. Dad gave me a small thumbs-up before turning to watch my sister walk down the aisle. I had no idea how he was here, but I was so, so thankful that he was.
The guests rustled to their feet as Pachelbel’s ‘Canon in D’ began to swell. I watched the look of wonder on Charlie’s face as he saw Piper enter the room. As soon as she saw him standing at the top of the aisle, the perfect bridal smile loosened its hold on her face and was quickly replaced with one that was broad, almost face-splitting. I could see the tops of her bottom teeth breaking above her lower lip – something Piper had always hated, as they were slightly crooked after years of refusing to wear her retainer. Seeing those little teeth poking out, and watching Piper’s eyes crinkle (also usually forbidden, as it causes wrinkles) made me realize how happy she was, and how much she loved this overgrown Labrador who was about to become her husband. My heart swelled – actually swelled, I swear it! – with joy.
Piper noticed him just before she reached the altar. ‘Dad!’ she cried, and immediately launched herself into his arms, which made everyone – including me – cry. ‘You look beautiful,’ I heard my dad whisper, which set off a fresh round of tears. Why does anyone bother to put on make-up for a wedding, I wondered, as I looked around the room through mascara-smudged eyes. I caught Ethan’s eye and I saw that his eyes were shining, too – evidently no one was immune. He quickly looked away.
The ceremony was beautiful and blessedly brief. The couple exchanged promises and shakily placed rings on each other’s fingers and kissed to great applause and yet more tears. They beamed at each other as they walked back down the aisle, stopping first to embrace my dad and Candace on one side of the aisle, and Bob and Barbara on the other.
Ethan walked with me as we followed them. ‘Are you okay?’ he asked.
I nodded. ‘Seeing my dad tipped me over the edge.’
‘I’m glad he could make it.’
‘Me too. Thanks again for being so great at the hospital last night. I couldn’t have got through it without you.’
‘That’s bullshit, but you’re welcome.’
‘It’s not bullshit!’
‘Ruby, you’re the toughest woman I know. Strike that – you’re the toughest person I know, and I once met The Rock.’
‘Show-off!’
‘I’m serious. You’ve never needed anyone’s help, least of all mine.’
‘That’s not true,’ I said, too quietly for him to hear. I was ashamed to admit that I’d needed him more than anyone, now just as much as I did back when we were together. But just as I was too proud to ask for his help then, I was too proud now to shatter this idea he had of me. I’d spent years building this fortress: I had no choice but to live in it.
We had reached the end of the aisle. Piper and Charlie strode through the doorway and onto the Battery Terrace, and behind us we could hear the surge of the guests as they discussed the ceremony, and how lovely the bride had looked, and how wonderful it was that her father could make it, and how grand the King’s Hall was, and whether Charlie and Bob were chilly in their kilts. Ethan paused on the threshold. We stared at each other for a moment, the crowd swelling past us, eager to get their first taste of champagne.
Jess’s words were still ringing in my ear. I knew this was my chance to say something, to set him straight on who I really was. ‘Ethan –’
I felt a hand on the small of my back and looked up to see Chris’s face grinning above us. ‘Sorry, mate, do you mind if I steal her for a bit?’
Ethan looked at him blankly for a stunned minute before nodding his head. ‘Go for it,’ he said. I watched him disappear in the crowd.
‘Nice guy, him, but he doesn’t half look miserable all the time,’ Chris said, steering me gently out of the room. ‘How are you holding up? It must have been a shock to see your father sitting there.’ He reached up and wiped a smudge of mascara from underneath my eye. ‘You’re gorgeous even when you’re a mess,’ he said with a smile.
‘Chris, look –’ I glanced past him to see Ethan already deep in conversation with Madison, his hand on the small of her back. ‘Never mind,’ I muttered.
‘Here we are!’ Chris grabbed two glasses of champagne from a passing tray and handed one to me. ‘Now, what’s the tradition at American weddings? Are there speeches? Is someone going to fire a gun at some point?’
‘Yes to speeches, no to guns,’ I said. ‘At least I hope no to guns. The last thing this wedding needs is someone waving a firearm around the place.’
‘That’s a shame – I was hoping for a bit of pistols at dawn.’
I saw Candace steer my father into the room in his wheelchair. ‘Do you mind if we go and say hi to them?’ I asked.
‘England is sadly still a patriarchal society, but I think forbidding you from speaking to your own father would be taking it a bit too far.’
We walked across the room to find the two of them giggling like a couple of schoolkids. ‘I hope I’m not interrupting anything,’ I said, leaning down to kiss his forehead.
Candace wrapped her arm around me and gave me a squeeze. I could smell her perfume – Poison, still, after all these years. ‘Your father was just telling me a story about the nurse,’ she said. ‘He’s being very naughty!’ The two of them collapsed in giggles.
‘Where is Nurse Clara?’ Chris asked. ‘Don’t tell me you’ve given her the slip already, Alec.’
‘Nurse Ratched is more like it!’ Dad bellowed. ‘That woman won’t quit poking and prodding at me!’
‘Dad, that’s her job,’ I pointed out.
‘Well, I wish she’d at least warm up her hands first, is all I’m saying. Anyway, she just went to the bathroom to freshen up. I’m hoping she’ll fall in.’
‘Alec!’ Candace admonished, but I could see she was secretly delighted to hear him back to his old self. Her face had lost some of its pinched look, and the color had come back to her cheeks. She looked happier than I’d seen her all week.
‘Play nicely with Nurse Clara or we’ll have to send you back to the hospital,’ Chris said. ‘And this time we won’t be so generous with the pain relief.’
‘You guys are a bunch of sticklers in this country,’ Dad said. ‘Must be all the socialism.’
‘Not enough of it in my opinion,’ Chris said with a laugh. ‘If I had my way, we’d all be as red as the hair on my head!’
‘I should have known you were one of them,’ Dad said with a smile. ‘Never trust a doctor who doesn’t own a decent suit.’
‘It’ll be a dark day when I take sartorial advice from an American.’
‘Boys, play nice,’ Candace admonished. ‘Chris, I think your suit is very handsome.’
‘Why thank you, Candace,’ he said, bowing with a flourish.
Dad reached up and shook Chris’s hand. ‘Look, I just want to thank you again for helping me out back there. I never would have seen my daughter get married if it wasn’t for you and Ethan.’
I froze. ‘What did Ethan have to do with it?’
‘It was all his doing, really,’ Chris said. ‘He’s the one who hired Nurse Clara and convinced the hospital administrators to discharge your father for the day.’
‘Are you serious?’ My heart was racing, but my blood felt like ice in my veins.
‘Absolutely,’ Chris said. ‘Got it all organized last night, and he and Madison came around with a van this morning to pick us all up. I don’t know how the hell he found an ambulance equipped for a wheelchair at such short notice.’
‘He’s rich, that’s how,’ Dad said.
‘And kind,’ I added. ‘Really, really kind.’ I felt the loss of him as keenly then as I had ten years ago. It wasn’t about the money with him, or about success, or about how ridiculously handsome he looked in his suit – and he did. He was, and always had been, the most decent man I’d ever met. And I’d repaid him by running away from him and lying to his face, even now.
It all strung together now, like pearls on a necklace. I had to tell him how I felt. I had no idea how he’d react, or if he felt the same way, but I had to try. I also knew I had to tell him the truth, even if that meant ruining it all. I handed my glass to Chris. ‘Will you excuse me for a minute?’ I asked. ‘I’ve just got to run to –’
‘You’re not running anywhere,’ Dad said, grabbing hold of a corner of my dress. ‘I’m about to give my speech!’ And with that, he produced a spoon from his pocket – God knows where he’d got it from – and began tapping on the side of his glass. ‘Excuse me! Can I have your attention please?’
The din of the room began to hush and the guests inched tentatively closer. ‘Come on over!’ he called, waving them towards him. ‘Don’t be shy!’
Silence descended. ‘Now, I’m sorry I can’t stand up, but you probably wouldn’t want to see what I’ve got on under this blanket, anyway.’ A ripple of nervous laughter went through the crowd.
‘Something tells me your father is a born orator,’ Chris whispered to me.
‘I hope you’re wearing comfortable shoes,’ I replied.
‘Ladies and gentlemen, I just want to welcome all of you to this wonderful occasion. I certainly didn’t expect to watch my little girl get married from a wheelchair, but I’m just so happy I was able to be here at all. Thank you, Ethan, for making this possible for our family.’ There was a round of applause, and I spotted Ethan at the back of the crowd, looking embarrassed and raising a glass in reluctant acknowledgement.
‘You know, when my late wife was pregnant with Piper, I have to admit that I was hoping it would be a boy. You see, we were already blessed with a little girl, our Ruby, and of course every man wants a son who he can teach about baseball and cars and, eventually, women. But instead, we had another little girl, Piper. As soon as I saw those big blue eyes of hers, I was a lost man. Phew! I tell you, I cried like a baby when she wrapped her hand around my little finger – though I have to say that that was the first and last time she’s ever been wrapped around my little finger, although I’ve certainly been wrapped around hers for the past twenty-odd years. Watching her grow up – watching both of my girls grow up – and become the beautiful women they are today has been the single biggest joy of my life. Bigger even than the time I beat Bernie Lipowitz on the golf course – you remember that, Bernie?’ Another ripple of laughter, louder this time as everyone relaxed. ‘I bet you do, you son of a gun. Anyway, I realize now that, if I’d had sons, I wouldn’t have been able to teach them a damn thing about women. It’s only through the pleasure of having daughters that I understand women now, though I suspect that my darling wife Candace would probably say that I still have quite a lot to learn on the subject.’
Candace smiled down at him indulgently and shook her head.
‘So, here we are, at my little girl’s wedding. Charlie, I have to say, when Piper first told me that she was seeing you, I had mixed feelings about it. I’ve known you a long time, and some of those memories aren’t exactly golden. I think you still owe me some money from the time you got drunk at the club and threw up all over the hood of my BMW. But times change – Lord knows I know that better than most – and people grow up. I am very happy to give my little girl over to this man, because I know that he has a good heart. He also has a good deal of money, which certainly doesn’t hurt!’
My stomach lurched at first, but then my face broke into a smile. Leave it to Dad to say the crassest thing possible at his daughter’s wedding and get away with it. Glancing over at Piper and Charlie, I saw that they were laughing, too, and that even Bob and Barbara had stiff smiles on their faces.
‘Well, I won’t keep you much longer, and I’ve got a nurse standing here waiting for me – I think she wants to give me a sponge bath,’ he said, eyebrows waggling, ‘but I want to take a minute to acknowledge the woman who came into a house filled with sadness and anger and turned it into a home. Candace, I know these past few years haven’t been easy – hell, I know that none of the years with me have probably been all that easy – but I want you to know that I love you, and that I am grateful’ – he looked out and gestured towards Piper and me – ‘that we are grateful to have you in our lives. I promise you that I will spend the rest of my life trying to make you as happy as you’ve made me all these years, and as happy as I hope Piper and Charlie will make each other in their future years as husband and wife.’
Candace leaned down and kissed him, and the room was filled with whistles and cheers. Piper made her way through the crowd to us and we all clutched at each other like the last survivors of a shipwreck. The room erupted in applause, and I saw my father – ever the ham – try to stand up to better soak it all in. ‘Dad!’ I admonished, and he sank back into his chair, a smile lighting up the whole of his face.
‘He absolutely smashed it,’ Chris said when I returned to his side. ‘Brilliant speech. Your father’s a class act.’
‘He really is.’
The rest of the speeches went smoothly, with Charlie blubbing slightly when he talked about how much he adored Piper, and Ethan telling the standard embarrassing stories from Charlie’s past, of which there were many. I kept hoping Ethan would catch my eye, give me a wink or some kind of sign, but he was a steadfast professional and addressed the crowd like a seasoned and somewhat world-weary pro. Finally, Piper took the microphone from him and proceeded to deliver a long, rambling speech about how much she loved everyone in the room, and how they’d all made her feel like a princess for a day. I didn’t roll my eyes even once, which just goes to show the sort of emotional state I was in.
Once the speeches were over, we were herded down into the marquee, where tiny canapés were foisted upon us in a probably futile attempt to soak up some of the champagne before dinner. I kept trying to battle my way towards Ethan, only to be buffeted away by a caterer panicking about the vegetarian option or Piper asking me to hold the train of her dress as she went to the bathroom (yes, really) or Chris – lovely Chris, what a guy – handing me a glass of champagne, or a compliment.
The dinner bell (actually, rather theatrically, the dinner gong) was rung, and the guests crowded around the royalty-themed seating chart to find their places. Ethan and I were both sitting at the top table (the ‘Crown Jewels’, obviously), marooned at opposite ends. I leaned back during each course (smoked salmon on a bed of rocket, poached chicken and steamed vegetables, a slice of gluten-free wedding cake as hard as a box of thumbtacks) and saw him talking quietly with Charlie, or making Barbara smile and blush. I tried to make conversation with Candace and Dad, but found that I kept drifting off into stunned silence, trying to imagine the conversation I was hopefully about to have. None of the scenarios were particularly reassuring.
Plates were cleared and napkins discarded and the guests rose to their feet to watch the first dance, Charlie turning in slow circles like a bear at a circus as Piper flitted around him like a beautiful butterfly. Finally, the band struck up ‘The Twist’, and the dance floor filled. I saw Ethan leaning against a pillar, alone, watching Bob and Barbara mash potato with a bemused smile on his face. I knew it was my chance.