Crewe

“What happened here?” Sasha sat on my lap with her legs straddled over my hips. Her huge tits were in my face, and her petite waist was perfect to grab on to. Her hand snaked up my chest to the scar over my pec. Thin black lines stretched over my pec from where the surgeons cut me open then put me back together.

“I got shot.”

“Ooh…” Her fingers moved gently across the wound. “I’m sorry to hear that.”

“Not a big deal. Just a battle scar.”

“And quite the conversation piece.” She spoke perfect English but had a heavy French accent. I liked listening to it when we were in bed together.

Meaningless sex with women acted as a great distraction. I didn’t think about the woman who caused more damage than the bullet that nearly pierced my heart. And when I was pretty much drunk all the time, that helped too. Not to mention the painkillers I was still on. “Yeah, I suppose.”

Someone knocked on my door even though it was almost nine o’ clock. “Sir?” Dimitri’s voice carried into the bedroom. “I’m sorry to bother you, but it’s urgent.”

I had a naked woman on my lap. Nothing was that urgent. “It can wait until tomorrow.”

Dimitri’s feet didn’t fade away as if he walked off. His mouth was right by the door. “It’s Lady London. She’s here. Do you still want me to send her away?”

My entire body froze when I heard what he said. At first, I thought I imagined the entire thing, but my fingertips pressed into Sasha’s hips, reminding me that this wasn’t a dream. This was really happening. “London?”

“She’s outside, sir,” Dimitri said. “What are your orders?”

Sasha looked down at me. “Who’s London?”

I ignored what she said. She wasn’t even there. “I’ll be down in ten minutes.” I rolled Sasha off me and grabbed my boxers and jeans from where they lay on the floor. I yanked them on and picked a random t-shirt from my closet.

Sasha sat up in bed and pulled the covers to her chest. “Who’s London?” she repeated.

I straightened my hair with my fingers as best as I could before I headed to the door. “I don’t have time right now. I’ll be back soon.” I knew London wasn’t going anywhere, but my heart just spiked with adrenaline. I never expected to see her again, never hear from her again. But she was standing outside my door in the middle of the night.

What did she want?

The last time I saw her was when we got into the Jeep. After that, everything turned blurry.

When I thought about what she did to me, the anger emerged. I shouldn’t even go downstairs to see her. I should slam the door in her face and demand my men to drag her off the property by her hair.

But that didn’t slow me down.

I walked down the stairs, feeling my pulse pound in my ears like a pair of drums. My hands automatically formed fists, and my knuckles turned white. No matter how much anger burned under the surface, it didn’t stop me from wanting to cross that threshold.

Stop me from wanting to see her.

I reached the front door and stared at the dark wood. Only a few feet separated us, separated me from the woman I once loved. She played me for a fool, manipulated me exactly the way Ariel warned. She humiliated me in a way Josephine never did.

And to think I actually loved her.

I took a deep breath and willed the anger to leave my body. I wanted to wear a stoic expression, an expression of nothingness when I looked at her. I didn’t want her to understand how much she hurt me.

But I doubted that would last long.

I opened the door and stepped out into the night, taking the long stone steps to the driveway. I saw her outline in the darkness, her body wrapped in a black jacket. Her breath escaped like vapor because the October nights here were far colder than the ones in New York.

Her face finally came into view from the outdoor lights. Her brown hair was exactly as I remembered, slightly wavy from the damp air. She wore dark jeans with black boots, looking slender in the curve-fitting outfit.

I stood in front of her and looked at her head-on, doing my best to appear as indifferent as possible. It was cold outside, especially in just my t-shirt, but I refused to invite her inside my home—not when she was my enemy.

She met my look with those green eyes I used to love. Sympathy and pain were written in them, remorse for what she’d done. I didn’t need to hear her apology to know it was sitting on the tip of her tongue.

I waited for her to speak first since I had nothing productive to say. The only thing that came to mind were cold insults that wouldn’t further the conversation. Any shred of chivalry I had was long dead.

“Hi…”

I didn’t say it back, purely out of stubbornness.

The wind was strong tonight, and her hair whipped across her face. When it got in her eyes, she tucked it behind her ear. “I was hoping we could talk inside. There’s a lot of things I want to tell you.”

“No.”

Her eyes contracted when she heard the authority in my voice.

“I never want you to set foot inside my house again.” I was surprised how well I controlled my tone. On the way to the door, I’d thought about strangling her. Now I was calm and collected, making my walls as thick as the Great Wall of China. “I don’t give a damn about anything you have to say, and you’re stupid for showing your face around here. Maybe you’ve forgotten all the men who died because of you—but my crew hasn’t.”

She finally bowed her head, breaking eye contact with me and tightening her arms around her waist. “I said I told Joseph not to come. I specifically told him—”

“Not to hurt anyone or kill me,” I interrupted. “But you did plan for him to come. You were stupid to think my enemy wouldn’t desecrate me the second he had a chance. You plotted against me on purpose, took advantage of my heart like the whore that you are.” My temper flared, and now it couldn’t be controlled. I didn’t feel bad for insulting her, not when she’d insulted me worse.

The fire didn’t leap in her eyes. “I told him not to come at all. I told him I was going to talk to you first.”

“Talk to me about what? Tell me that you successfully tricked me into being pussy-whipped?”

“No. About treating me like a real human being and not a prisoner.” Her own anger rose, but she kept it under control a lot better than I did. “Crewe, you said you loved me, but you still kept me chained up like a dog.”

“There were no chains. I wish there were.”

“You know what I mean. I wanted to ask if you would let me go…”

I clenched my jaw because I probably would have done it if she’d asked. The second she didn’t want to be with me, I didn’t want her either.

“I knew you would, but Joseph disagreed. That’s why he moved in when he did.”

This conversation was just making me angrier. “Why are you here? It happened, and it’s in the past now. Why are we talking about this? And why didn’t you just call me on the phone? Why are you showing up at my doorstep in the middle of the night?” I at least hoped she wanted me back, that leaving me was a mistake. The second I realized she just wanted to be relieved of guilt, it pissed me off all over again. I hated myself for wanting anything else in the first place.

“I wanted you to know that I never wanted to hurt you or your men.”

“I’m so glad to hear that,” I said sarcastically. “Really changes everything.”

Her hair flew in her face again, and this time she pulled it over her shoulder. “I wanted you to know it wasn’t all an act. I wanted to be free because I deserved to be free. I did what I had to do to get out.”

“Congratulations.”

“But when I told you I loved you…I meant it. I didn’t realize it at the time, but now I do.”

My hands were still by my sides, cold from the breeze and white from my grip. “You expect me to believe that?”

“Why wouldn’t you? You were there, Crewe. You knew how I felt about you before I even said anything.”

I shook my head and stepped back. “Everything was a lie. You successfully played me, tricked me into getting what you want. Now that you have your freedom, why don’t you just go enjoy it and disappear?” I hated to think of how many men she’d slept with this past month. I shouldn’t care, and the fact that I did pissed me off.

“Because I haven’t enjoyed my freedom…not like I thought I would.”

I stared at her and couldn’t look away. My entire body shut down so I could take in everything without missing a single syllable.

“Crewe, I miss you. I thought I would be happy back in New York, but I’m not. All I do is think about you. I’m not saying I don’t want my freedom, because I do. But I want both. I was hoping we could start over.”

“Start over?” I asked with a strangled laugh. “I almost died on the operating table. No, we can’t fucking start over.”

Her eyes welled with tears. “I understand you’re mad—”

“Mad doesn’t do it justice. There are no words to describe what I’m feeling, London. I’ve never actually wanted to hurt you until right now. I want to slap you so hard that your neck breaks. That’s how I feel.”

She didn’t take a step back even though she should. “I want to apologize for everything, but I can’t. I did what I had to do to survive. The only thing I am sorry about is hurting you. I never wanted to hurt you.” The tears continued to build on the surface of her eyes, but they didn’t fall. “You know that, Crewe.”

“I don’t know anything, London. I don’t know a damn thing.” The longer we stood outside, the more immune I became to the cold temperature and my hardening heart. I let my guard down again, and of course, it bit me in the ass. I felt stupid for ever trusting her. “I never want to see you again. Do you understand me?”

This time, the tears fell. They streaked down her cheeks to her lips.

Instantly, I felt my broken heart tighten.

“Crewe, I admit things didn’t work out the way they should. I should have talked to you about everything sooner. But you can’t pretend to be the only victim in this situation. You’ve done things wrong too. You took my life away from me when it was never your right. I don’t even know how I fell in love with you to begin with, but the fact that I have tells me this is real. So, you can’t put all the blame on me. We’re both guilty of a lot of things.”

“Maybe I kept you as a prisoner in the beginning, but you were never a prisoner toward the end. I made my feelings for you perfectly transparent. I never lied to you or misled you about how I felt. You, on the other hand, perfectly deceived. That’s worse, if you ask me.”

“Again, I was just trying to survive. In the process, I began to love you. I didn’t know it was going to happen, but it did. I could have run off with Joseph the second I got the chance, but I didn’t. I stayed behind and made sure you survived. I didn’t have to save Ariel, but I did because I know how important she is to you. I made a lot of mistakes, but I did the right thing when it mattered most.”

The breeze increased, and I watched her shiver slightly. If this were a different time, I would wrap my arms around her and take her inside. But I couldn’t look past my heartbreak or my embarrassment. She tricked me, and I honestly didn’t know what was real and what was a game. I was too angry to even consider forgiveness. I was too pissed to even contemplate starting over. “The only reason why I’m gonna say this is because it’s the only chance I’ll ever have.”

When she blinked, more tears fell.

“I really loved you. As in, I loved you in a way I’ve never loved anyone else. I trusted you. Fuck, you were my whole world. There was nothing I looked forward to more than getting off work and making love to you. I was happier with you than I ever was with Josephine, or anyone else that came before her. What we had was special. For the first time in my life, I was actually happy.”

More tears came, a waterfall in the making.

“But that’s over because it never really happened. Maybe you were sincere in your feelings, but I have no way of knowing when those moments occurred. When you told me you loved me, it was a lie. The second the words left your mouth, they were meaningless—”

“But they aren’t meaningless now, Crewe,” she said through her tears. “I love you. I know I do. It just took me some time to come to terms with it, to realize I couldn’t run from it anymore. This relationship didn’t start off in the right way. But that doesn’t mean we can’t give it a new beginning.”

“I don’t want to have a new beginning.”

Her hands reached for mine, and her frozen fingers wrapped around my wrists.

I pushed her away before I gave myself the opportunity to enjoy her. “Don’t fucking touch me.”

“Crewe—”

“Get off my property.” I wanted this to end. I wanted to go back to my life and forget she ever existed. I stepped back and turned to the entrance.

“I know you still love me.”

I stopped and turned around, watching her hair blow in the wind.

“I know you do. Just take some time to think about what I said. I’m staying in Edinburgh for a month… I’ll be around.”

“I don’t love you, London,” I said coldly. “I stopped loving you the second Joseph pointed that gun at me.”

She’d stopped crying, but her eyes were still shiny. “Ariel told me what she said to you.”

My eyes narrowed as the betrayal swept over me. I never asked Ariel to keep that a secret, but I assumed she would have kept that information to herself.

“The only reason you got up was to protect me. After everything we’d been through, you still put me first. So don’t pretend you don’t love me. Don’t pretend I don’t mean anything to you. I know you’re angry right now because this is the first time we’ve spoken, so I can be patient. I can give you some time. I’ll be in Edinburgh until the end of this month. When you’re ready to talk, I’m sure you’ll be able to find me.”

Her confidence just pissed me off more. “You shouldn’t waste your time, London. I’m not coming after you. I have a woman in my bed waiting for me at this very moment. I’ve moved on with my life—as I’m sure you’ve moved on with yours.”

She controlled her expression and hid the hurt that was burning under her skin, but I could see the devastation in her eyes.

I enjoyed hurting her, enjoyed getting back at her for hurting me. If she imagined I’d be crying over her, she was stupid. I didn’t shed a single tear. I spent my time drinking scotch and screwing beautiful women.

Because I was still the scotch king.

It took Ariel five seconds to figure out London stopped by. “What did she say?” She walked into my office without knocking, her arms crossed over her chest and her eyes focused on me like lasers.

I would have told her it was none of her business, but since Ariel warned me about her to begin with, I felt obligated to share. “She wanted to apologize for lying to me. Then she told me she loved me and wanted to start over.” I flipped through the expense report like our conversation wasn’t important enough for my full attention.

“That fucking cunt.” She ground her teeth together, looking angrier than I’d ever seen her. “What did you say?”

“What do you think, Ariel?” I looked at the totals in the back of the report before I closed the folder. “I told her to get off my property and disappear. End of story.”

Ariel breathed a sigh of relief like she’d been expecting me to say something else. “Thank god.”

Like I’d ever give London another chance. That ship had sailed. “I’m sure we won’t hear from her again.”

“Better not.” She finally took a seat and crossed her legs. “Are you doing okay?”

I was insulted by the question. “I’m more than okay, Ariel.”

“You haven’t talked about it and—”

“Because I don’t need to talk about it. It was a mistake, and it’s over. Let’s move on.” I didn’t need to be reminded how stupid I was. I put my life, as well as the life of everyone around me, in danger. Some of my men were buried in graveyards because of my poor judgment. It’s not something I would easily forget.

“Does that mean you’ve reinstated Dunbar?”

Dunbar had been right about her too. I should have let him beat her to a pulp. “Yes. I gave him a two-week vacation as an apology.”

“That was nice of you.”

Not nice enough. “Is there anything else you need? I’ve got a lot of shit to do today.”

Ariel glanced at my bottle of scotch, which was half empty even though it wasn’t even eleven yet. “Nope. I’ll see you later.” She left my office without a backward glance, in a much better mood now that she knew London wasn’t making a resurgence.

Even if I wanted to take London back, I wouldn’t.

Not after what she did.

I had too much pride, too much stubbornness to let bygones be bygones.

But I did love hearing that she still wanted me, that New York felt empty without me in her life. It made me feel good to know that she actually loved me, that she flew all the way here just to see me.

She accused me of still loving her.

Which I didn’t.

But I couldn’t stop thinking about her, not while I was at work or while I was in my room alone. Sleep had been difficult since the day she left. The only time I slept somewhat well was when a woman slept over. But even then, it wasn’t the same.

As soon as London left, I’d asked Sasha to leave. I didn’t feel like being interrogated by a woman who wanted me all to herself a long time ago. I was in too foul a mood to please a woman for the night.

I just wanted to be alone.

But my mood hadn’t changed. I was just as angry as the moment she left. I was even more angry that I allowed her to have this power over me, to make me feel so many different things at once.

And I was pissed that I hated seeing her cry. It made me feel like shit when it shouldn’t. I enjoyed hurting her, but that desire faded away almost instantly. I wish I’d never mentioned Sasha when it was such a low blow.

And then I hated myself for caring about her feelings.

I was so fucked up in the head.

What was wrong with me?

A week went by, and I didn’t contact her. I knew she was staying in Edinburgh, but I didn’t have a clue what she was doing. She didn’t come from money, so I didn’t know how she was paying for this expensive trip across the world.

Especially since it was all a waste of money.

Even though she was always in the back of my mind, I refused to go to her. I refused to see her after everything we’d been through.

She claimed I loved her, but that was just wishful thinking.

I didn’t.

At least, I wouldn’t admit it to her or myself.

Dunbar just returned from vacation, and he was still cold to me. He obviously hadn’t forgiven me for my error in judgment, and I couldn’t exactly blame him. He lost friends when Joseph ambushed the castle with his men. It was their job to protect me and the keep, but that was an unnecessary war that could have been easily avoided.

If I’d thought with my brain and not my dick.

The next day, I was taking a trip to my distillery in Edinburgh. I knew London would be in the city, but I hadn’t planned to acknowledge her existence. But that didn’t mean I wouldn’t think about her.

Because I always thought about her.

I completed my physical training in the morning, which was excruciating since the muscle had been so severely damaged, and then I sat in the back of the car as Dunbar drove me into the city.

All I had to do was call Dimitri, and I would figure out exactly where she was.

But I didn’t make the request.

I stayed strong—learning from my past mistake.