The bathroom isn’t hard to locate, and thankfully it’s empty. The mirror tells me that I’m flushed and excited—a confirmation that I made the right decision regardless of the way my stomach feels.

I splash some water on my face before I leave, hoping it will help clear my head and cool me down. Time to find Kara. I don’t think she’s up here—upstairs at these parties means sex, which is something she’d try to avoid at all costs. Heading back down the hallway towards the stairs, I hear a moan come from my left.

The door is open a crack, and I can hear more movement inside. Trying to be as quiet as possible, I press my face to the crack in the door. The room is mostly dark, but I can still see what’s happening. A couple is having sex. They’re both naked on the bed, limbs tangled. The guy’s on top, hips thrusting smoothly into his partner. The sight is like a shock to my senses. I knew people had sex at parties, but seeing it is completely different. This is the first time I’ve ever seen real sex. I mean sex in person. There was that porn I watched a couple times, but I felt so guilty afterward that I decided it wasn’t worth it anymore. But this is...different. This is exciting.

I feel myself heat with a blush. There’s pressure in my core and a sudden wanting. I’m getting wet, my body reacting viscerally to the sight in front of me. I’ve touched myself before, always wondering what the real thing would feel like. My body is tingling, nipples hardening against my shirt. I can’t help but imagine what it would be like to be in that girl’s place. I imagine the heat on my skin, and the pleasure…

I can feel the energy in the room, the way they’re so wrapped up in each other that nothing else matters. That same warm feeling from the dance floor takes over my body, and I realize that I want that. I want to know what that feels like—to be lost in someone. I imagine what it would be like to be on that bed, aware that the house is full of people that could walk in any second. I want to want someone that much that I would take that kind of risk for them, and they would do it for me.

The girl gasps as he thrusts into her, and I jerk back from the door, suddenly realizing that I’m being a creeper. I shouldn’t be watching them. If it were me, I wouldn’t like to know that I was spied on by a random party-goer. I turn to continue towards the stairs and freeze again. Carter is at the top of the stairs, watching me.

“You okay?” he asks. “You left really quickly, I thought you might be sick or something.”

“Oh...no,” I say, grasping for the words. I’m certainly not going to tell him I was just spying on sex. I keep my voice low so the people inside don’t realize I’m right outside the door. “I’m fine. I was just looking for my friend.”

There’s another moan from inside the room. This one is louder and very, very audible. Carter’s eyes go wide, and I see him notice the proximity between the door and me. A smirk crosses his face. “That’s not what I would have expected.”

“Oh?” I’m suddenly nervous, a little embarrassed, and stretch my fingers out and curl them into fists—an old nervous habit.

Carter crosses the hall to me, peeking through the crack in the door above my head. “You didn’t strike me as someone who just likes to watch.” His voice is soft like mine now. “Anyone who dances like that wants to be in on the action.”

My face turns red, as it seems to have a terrible habit of doing around him.

He holds up his hands. “But hey, everyone has their thing. Maybe yours is watching from behind a door.”

Anger bubbles up, quick and fierce. “That is not my thing,” I hiss under my breath. “I don’t have a thing.” Here, this close to him, those same thoughts rise to the surface. What would it be like with him? He’s hot as hell, and I wouldn’t mind feeling him touch me again. I have the sudden urge to prove to him that I’m not someone who lurks in doorways watching other people get off.

I move without thinking, pushing up onto my toes and pressing my mouth to his. His body freezes against mine. He wasn’t expecting it, and neither was I. I’m just as frozen as he is, our lips locked together. Then Carter moves all at once. He kisses me back while his arms come around me, practically lifting me off my feet to bring me closer.

Wow. This is a kiss. It’s not my first kiss, but this one makes every other one I’ve had seem like nothing more than a peck on the cheek. It reaches deep, stirring up feelings I’ve never had before. Carter’s tongue sweeps across my lips, and we open to each other. Everything feels bigger, deeper. It’s consuming. There’s nothing my body wants more than to be closer to him. To feel his skin on mine. To feel him inside me—

That thought brings my brain screeching to a halt. I want him. I don’t just want to kiss him. I want to...do other things with him. I’ve been training myself for so long to shy away from this, I can’t even bring myself to say it in my head. But deep down I feel settled. I know that this has been coming for a while. The older Kara and I got, the more I was the one shying away from our pact.

Carter is staring at me, and I realize that I stopped kissing him. I’ve been staring at him, processing just how much I want to have sex with him. For him to—I force my brain to say it—fuck me. Kara always told me she wanted it to be special. Candles, roses, a wedding dress.

I may not have realized it until just now, but I don’t want that. I don’t want it to be like some movie where the act of having sex for the first time is treated like some precious ritual. No. What I want is for it to be real. I want it to feel good. I don’t care about where. I just want the other person to crave me as much as I do them.

“You okay?” Carter asks me for the second time tonight. This time his voice is rougher, eyes dark with what’s left of our kiss.

I am okay. I’m more than okay. But I don’t have the words to tell him that. Instead, I choose action. I press my lips against his again, tangling my tongue with his. Carter groans, pulling me with him down the hall to another door. He pushes it open and we stumble through, barely managing to stay upright, each unwilling to let go.

This room is empty and utterly dark as he kicks the door closed behind us. The air suddenly feels charged, like the energy we’re sending back and forth to each other is filling up the space around us. Carter pulls me against him and we fall onto the bed together.

Every closeted desire I’ve had comes racing to the surface, and I can’t get enough. I have my hands in his hair and I love the way he moves his mouth to my neck, sucking at my skin. His lips feel like fire, sending burning pulses through me that echo all around and land between my legs. I’ve never been so close to someone like this and every touch feels bigger than it is. Carter’s hands are under my shirt, and my body arches into his touch, wanting to go faster, further. I’ve already gotten rid of Carter’s shirt, and my hands explore his body. I was right—it’s perfect, and I’m annoyed that it’s so dark in here and I can’t see what must be practically a work of art.

Carter’s body presses me into the bed, and I can feel him lined up with me at every point—chest, hips, legs. Just like on the dance floor, he’s hard. I smile through our kiss, because I’m not running away from it. I like having this kind of power.

His hips press into mine, and my body moves in response, legs moving apart. He moves again, and the hardness of him presses against me...there. I gasp into his mouth because it feels like something just exploded. I’ve been here before but not like this. This is something more. Every time his hips push into me, that unnamable pleasure builds a little more. I didn’t know it could feel this good even with our clothes still between us.

Carter’s fingers stroke across my ribs, trailing across my stomach to the top of my jeans. Oh. I want him to touch me, I want him to go further, not to stop. He doesn’t. His hand slips under the fabric of my panties, and god—the feeling is pure heaven. I’ve never had anyone touch me there but myself and it’s SO much better.

I touch him, reaching for his belt and fumbling in the dark. He’s so hard, even through the fabric, and I can tell he’s big. Oh god, could that even fit inside me? What if it hurts too much? Am I really going to do this? Carter makes a low sound as my fingers rub over him, so I do it again. I manage to get his belt open, but no further, because suddenly his fingers are there.

He’s stroking around me, every touch on my clit feels like lightning.

There’s a smile in his words. “You’re wet. I guess you did want to be part of the action.”

His finger slips inside me, and I freeze, all thoughts of a witty comeback gone. I’ve never had anything but a tampon inside me—I’ve always been too afraid to do it myself. It feels strange and amazing. Carter stops, noticing how I froze up, and I force myself to relax. I pull his head to mine and kiss him. I want him to keep going, I want to see how this feels.

He eases his finger in and out, slowly dragging it against me, and my body is shuddering with the new sensation. It doesn’t hurt at all. I thought it might. But then, his finger isn’t that big. Carter curls his finger up, and strokes the inside of me, and I gasp. It’s like he’s touched directly on a pleasure nerve and it drags a moan out of me.

He chuckles, low and sexy, and just that sound turns me on even more. “G marks the spot.”

Oooh. Through the haze of him teasing me I remember reading about the G-spot. Where has that been all my life? Carter’s lips are on my neck, and he’s working me a little faster, my hips lifting to meet his hand. No one has ever given me an orgasm before, and there’s another rush of wetness at the thought.

I reach for him again, this time getting his belt open, then his pants, and I can feel the heat of him. Oh god, I’m really going to do this. Nervous energy and adrenaline fill my stomach. It feels like when you’re about to do something you can’t wait for, but at the same time, you’re terrified, like bungee jumping. And then there’s the pulses of pleasure from his clever fingers, one still stroking inside me while his thumb is on my clit.

“Carter,” I say, arching up into him.

“Yeah.” His voice is rough.

I’m about to tell him that there are too many clothes between us, that I want him to keep going. But laughter from outside the door filters through, and it’s like a bucket of ice water has been dumped on my head. It’s Kara. Her voice is muffled. “I’ll be right back, I just want to see if she’s in the bathroom.”

Kara is looking for me. If she walks in here and sees me about to have sex with Carter, she’ll be...either furious enough to kill me or heartbroken. I’m not sure which one would be worse. I push up on Carter’s chest. “Wait.”

He freezes instantly, breaking our kiss.

“I can’t do this.”

In the dim light coming from under the door, I can see the barest hint of his features, and they look confused. “I’m sorry,” he says. “I thought you wanted—”

“I did,” I say quickly. “I do...I just can’t.”

He’s still over me, close enough that our breath mingles as he speaks. “I don’t understand. What’s wrong?”

I bite my lip. I should tell him—get it over with. He’ll laugh, and leave, and then it will all be over. “I’m a virgin.”

I hear him suck in a breath. Slowly, carefully, he kisses me. Even though this kiss is soft, it’s filled with heat. It makes my toes curl and my stomach drop in a dizzy free fall. “If you think that would make me want you less,” he says, pulling back, “you’re very wrong.”

“Really?”

His voice is ragged. “If anything, I want you more.”

He thrusts against me, showing me exactly how hard he is through his clothes. God, I want to feel that without any barriers. The rational part of my brain is quickly losing the battle with the part of my brain that wants to rip off the rest of his clothes and pounce. But I can’t. I can’t do that to Kara. Not like this.

“My friend is waiting for me. If she finds us like this...it’s a long story.” I sit up, and he lets me go. I refasten my jeans and straighten my shirt. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry,” he says, leaning in to kiss the side of my neck. “But please, let me see you again.”

I know he can’t see me smile in the dark, but I do anyway. “School starts in two weeks. Maybe fate will throw us together again.”

“I’m sure it will,” Carter says, almost like he’s amused by the idea. “It was very nice to meet you, April.”

“You too.” I don’t look back at him as I open the door and leave. If I do, if I see him shirtless and tousled on the bed, my already crumbling willpower will be nothing more than dust.

Luckily for me, Kara isn’t in the hallway. I slip back down the stairs and blend back into the party before someone can spot me coming from a bedroom. I find Kara in the kitchen grabbing a handful of chips. “Hey!” she says when she sees me. “I was looking for you.”

“Backyard,” I say. “I was getting some air.”

“You want to get out of here?”

“Yes please.” I take her arm and guide her toward the front door. Never have words been more welcome. I don’t want to see Carter again and face what is almost certainly disappointment in his eyes. I just want to leave.

I came to this party to keep an eye on Kara. Turns out, she was the one who needed to keep an eye on me.