From: avagracewentworth

To: heartofgold

HOG,

My deepest desire?

To love and be loved.

By someone besides my pizza delivery man.

Oh, and the barista I always tip very well even though he never makes my salted caramel mocha correctly.

You?

AG.

From: heartofgold

To: avagracewentworth

AG,

There seem to be a lot of men in your life.

Should I be intimidated?

HOG

From: avagracewentworth

To: heartofgold

HOG,

Avoiding my question?

And yes. I didn’t even mention the FedEx dude. I have a thing for online shopping. And you? Do you have a favorite online store?

Tell me about the women in your life...

AG

From: heartofgold

To: avagracewentworth

AG,

1) my housekeeper Esme

2) my assistant Linda

3) you?

HOG

From: avagracewentworth

To: heartofgold

HOG,

Seems a little premature to say I am in your life. But we are confirming you are a man then, correct?

Also, you aren’t playing fair. Deepest desire?

AG

From: heartofgold

To: avagracewentworth

AG,

You are in my life considering I dream about you every day. Every night.

And yes, I am a man.

And I know quite well that you are a woman.

Deepest desire?

To stop being so damn scared of love. Of losing love.

Your turn. Ask me anything.

And no, I don’t have a favorite online store.

HOG

From: avagracewentworth

To: heartofgold

HOG,

Sometimes I wonder if you are my pizza delivery guy. Or, like, my neighbor.

I want to know who you are. I’m scared I am making you to be someone you aren’t.

But what if you are exactly who I imagine you are?

That’s not my question though.

My question is this:

Favorite childhood memory and why?

AG

P.S. I’m not scared of losing love... I’m scared of never finding it.

P.S.S. My favorite online store is Amazon. They sell everything. I got a package today with deodorant AND granola bars. Magic, I tell you.

From: heartofgold

To: avagracewentworth

AG,

When I was eleven years old my dad took my brother and I on a fishing trip in the far North of Alaska. At night, the sky held a thousand stars. My dad knew all the constellations and he never got tired of telling me their names, pointing them out to me. Cassiopeia. Ursa Major. Orion’s Belt.

The world felt infinite and I felt so small and when I told my dad that, he smiled and told me no matter how big I grew, I’d always feel small when I looked at the sky. And that feeling small wasn’t the worst thing in the world to feel. That feeling small meant you were big enough to see that the world didn’t revolve around you.

He was a good man.

HOG

P.S. I ordered a few things from Amazon today. A toothbrush and leaf blower. I tried to find the two most random things I could imagine. Did I do okay?

P.S.S. Favorite movie and why?

From: avagracewentworth

To: heartofgold

HOG,

In college, I memorized the constellations. The professor taught us how to navigate the night sky and every time I found one, my stomach flip-flopped, wondering why I even had the right to understand the sky. Who was I to read the stars?

Your dad’s words were wise.

Favorite movie? Easy.

Titanic. I saw it in the theater twelve times and sobbed. Every. Single. Time. Then I’d come home, my cheeks streaked with tears, and my sister would look at me as if I were insane.

She’d say, “It’s like you think the ending is going to change. But Kate is always going to let go. Leonardo's always going to die.”

She didn’t understand—and still, doesn’t–that it wasn’t about the ending. It was about the journey. The end only hurt because the story was so beautiful.

If Kate and Leo never fell in love, would anyone have cried?

I mean, sure, a ship’s sinking is sad, but so is all of history. A battle lost, a country besieged. But I don’t collapse in tears over history books recounting the Revolutionary War.

Yet when the iceberg hits—I am lost at sea, my face covered in a flurry of tears. I fight to catch my breath but I can’t breathe.

It’s the love story, the fight, the dream. The longing for more than what you have.

That’s what gets me.

Maybe it all goes back to my deepest desire. To love and be loved.

Also, though, I’d like to be seen.

Speaking of... who are you, Heart of Gold? I’m becoming a bit besotted.

AG